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Author Topic: árne'lón  (Read 12349 times)
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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #45 on: 30 May 2007, 04:12:54 »

Ok, Clurion... Let's take a look again here...

Two things to note in general concerning submissions:
1.) If you want comments, change the post icon to the first entry to "Dev Status 2 - Comments welcomed"
2.) Always update the first post of the entry with the final version! Having to search through the whole entry to find the bits and pieces makes it unnecessarily complicated for commentators.

Concerning the new fighting style version:

This looks much more original and not directly copied from another source :) Just a few notes:

- The last sentences however of the paragraphs 2 and 3 pretty much say the same, so you might as well get rid of one of these sentences.
- This sentence is weird - better rephrase that one: "...unless holding by the end of the end opposite of the handle."

What about the rest of the entry? Did you take care of it, integrating other comments? Like some History/Origin adjustments? Try to deliver the complete thing, then I can check again!
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"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
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« Reply #46 on: 14 December 2007, 09:55:41 »

Alright, It's been forever, maybe I can get started back on this, lets try.
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Dare datte motteru hazu yuzurenai mono.
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« Reply #47 on: 14 December 2007, 19:54:47 »

Some confusion...

In the description you talk about the two different parts of the weapon, but you don't say how/if they are attached to one another.

And an idea!

You say that women began to use it after 400 years.  Was there any particular political change which caused this?  You could even write a legend about the first female warrior to ever use it, which would be quite fun.
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« Reply #48 on: 23 December 2007, 01:17:29 »

it's all one piece, i'm just saying that there are two parts, the handle, and the main shaft, its like a sword, it has a least 3 that i can think of, the hilt, handguard, and actual blade.
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Semenai de! Kesanai de! Makenai de!
Dare datte motteru hazu yuzurenai mono.
Ai dake! Yume dake! Kimi dake!
Sorre dake ha hanasanai donna toki demo.
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« Reply #49 on: 23 December 2007, 02:43:37 »

Oh right :P.  Maybe you could put in a paragraph describing the weapon as a whole?  The way you describe the two sections separately made me think they were completely separate.  Or possibly it's just me not understanding....
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« Reply #50 on: 23 December 2007, 04:01:21 »

It's ok, I will get to that later today.
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Semenai de! Kesanai de! Makenai de!
Dare datte motteru hazu yuzurenai mono.
Ai dake! Yume dake! Kimi dake!
Sorre dake ha hanasanai donna toki demo.
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« Reply #51 on: 02 January 2008, 11:37:13 »

Bump.
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Semenai de! Kesanai de! Makenai de!
Dare datte motteru hazu yuzurenai mono.
Ai dake! Yume dake! Kimi dake!
Sorre dake ha hanasanai donna toki demo.
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« Reply #52 on: 10 January 2008, 05:49:01 »

Did you "get to that later today", Clurion, as you mentioned? As I didn't notice a change in the entry, only saw you bumping it again. Try to stick to what you post and promise, especially if you are not regularly around - people need to rely on the fact that you're doing things right, only then it makes sense checking again.

Some comments nevertheless:

- The Overview needs to contain a very rough description of the weapon, and be it just one sentence. A "blunt wooden weapon" could be everything, so you definitely have to mention what makes it different from other blunt wooden weapons in the Overview.

- Various things that have been mentioned in prior posts are still valid, and while you made a bunch of changes (why aren't the changes marked with another colour as we usually do?), the History section is pretty basic and not overly imaginative I fear.

- Also the Santharian context of the entry is still lacking - e.g. which tribe began to use these weapons, when and why etc.

- Judy also asked for some examples of moves - you could give them names etc. - Be creative, Clurion!

- I could help with finishing this entry and add the final touches, but there's much more possible for you if you just take some time yourself. Have a look at other good weapons entries and see how people have done it there - you will find lots of inspiration, I'm sure!
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"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
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