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Author Topic: The Tale of the Rhne'el'mis; Prologue: A Winter's Night  (Read 5713 times)
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Miraran Tehuriden
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« Reply #15 on: 05 May 2007, 04:08:55 »

Judith, we should collect these alternative spellings somewhere to make them accessible to everyone. It would be fun to have everyones entries in actual Tharian instead of that awfull dialect they call 'English'

Avrah Kehabhra

"The whole POINT of Nybelmar is that no one has any idea whats going on, overly long entries keep it that way." - Decipher Ziron
Artimidor Federkiel

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« Reply #16 on: 10 May 2007, 04:49:50 »

A few comments:

- The tenses shift here in these sentences (and at the rest of the paragraph):

The mage introduced himself as Saldar Flametouched. [...] The mage had worn dark red - nearly the color of dried blood - robes. A hood was over his head, and he wore gloves. Scal had seen no skin.

Also later it should be "The mage had said".

- "a large emerald surrounded by white" - What is white?

- There are a bunch of little mistakes and misspellings, maybe it helps reading through it again, Mahvalan, I'm sure you catch some! E.g. Thieve's Guild, Scal creeped, Inside was treasures, trying to outdo the son, began to loose his hold on life - stuff like that.

- Smaller numbers for example should not be written 2 and 4 but "two" and "four" etc. I also wouldn't recommend to put in too many numbers in a description, as you do: The obelisk stretched nearly 4 peds ... He found himself in a large pantry, with a roughly 2 ped high ceiling.  ... It was 4 peds long and had a four-pronged piece of bent metal at the end. - There are better ways to describe this, e.g. The rope was long enough to reach to the ground. Whether this is 4 peds ot 4.37 doesn't matter that much, you know. It reads a bit as if your thief has a measuring tape with him :)

- "The alarm was being sounded" - How?

- Another suggestion is to reduce starting your sentences with the subject, in particular, the hero. Just look at the beginnings of these succeeding paragraphs:

"He quickly scaled..."
"Scal, not caring..."
"Scal knelt..."
"He poured ..."
"Scal leaped back... "

Could be made much more diverse, e.g. at the last paragraph: Suddenly a noise made him.., things like that.

- "No, I left them elsewhere." lied Scal - here it is not clear what is meant with "them". Also don't get this: "I left them where you first hired me. But remember what you said, they are mine, as long as I live."

- Insults: Maybe you find something here?

- The teasers you provided are a) too short and b) not usable - the main teaser cannot go as such on the site. Teasers are meant to go on the site. "A destiny known to none but me or whoever I accidentally blab it too" doesn't qualify.

- Well, an interesting start, but of course a lot depends on future plans of how the story will progress...

"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Mahvalan the VIII

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« Reply #17 on: 12 May 2007, 06:30:05 »

Oh, wow! Thanks Artimidor! This is going to take me some time to integrate since I am a little busy lately. Just as a side note, over the summer I will not really be around. I will try to get this done, but after my school gets out it could be up to mid-August/Maah'valannia. I'm just making sure everyone knows and doesn't flip out if I randomly disappear.

EDIT: Ugh... I am doing finals right now and will try to catch up with the work, so don't count me as gone. I figured out that I am home for a total of 10 days between the end of my school and August 5th, so yea, this will take a while to finish because of my often absences.
« Last Edit: 17 May 2007, 10:32:11 by Mahvalan the VIII » Logged

"Behold my innner flame. Beware my wrath. The passions and rage of Fire is my own." - Mahvalan the VIII
Mahvalan the VIII

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« Reply #18 on: 02 October 2007, 06:00:08 »

oh, heh heh.... sorry i was gone so dang long

I didn't exactly intend to be a slacker, it just sorta... happened. Sorry I never got to those changes and fiddles Arti. I'll at least try to get to them right away.

-Mahvalan, newly returned (again) beginner developer

P.S. I've been out of it for so long, I know that last time I was on people were considering changing the mentors system. Is there any updates on that? Thanks.

EDIT.1: Oh, sorry Arti, I didn't realize that the teasers were going on the site. Oops. I'll probably be saying that alot nowadays. Heh.

EDIT.2: Not sure what else to write for the teaser for the whole story, since I'm not sure entirely where I'm going. I usually end up letting my story write itself. It just takes me along for the ride, and then lets me go thru the hell of proofreading and editing. No insults intended in the "hell of proofreading and editing" phrase. :P
« Last Edit: 03 October 2007, 11:27:51 by Mahvalan the VIII » Logged

"Behold my innner flame. Beware my wrath. The passions and rage of Fire is my own." - Mahvalan the VIII
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