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Author Topic: Remusian Warrior Prayers  (Read 5448 times)
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Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin
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« on: 22 May 2007, 02:55:35 »

Honour(spoken)  by Alysse and Altario

My horse, be swift in flight,
As a vévan’már,
My horse, be sound in flight,
as you do me bear.
Homeward we two will fly
And you rewarded be
With banners brightly red.

My sword, be strong in war
as the Thunderfoot
My sword, be true in war,
Keep my honour fast.
A warrior I will be
To the last air I breathe,
And then to Kur'och's side.


Destiny(chanted) by Alassiel and Altario

I am a Caracal, doomed to die.
If there is anything difficult,
If there is anything dangerous,
That is mine to do.



Fate(sung) by Alassiel and Altario

Oh, sun, you remain forever,
But we Remusian must die!
Oh earth, you remain forever,
But we Remusian must die!
Oh, ice, you remain forever,
But we Remusian must die!
That is how we brave warriors,
Though our bodies may be gone,
Our brave, strong Remusian spirits
Shall remain forevermore!

« Last Edit: 15 June 2007, 04:28:31 by Artimidor Federkiel » Logged

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Drasil Razorfang
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« Reply #1 on: 22 May 2007, 05:09:14 »

And this should go in the library.
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Alysse the Likely
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« Reply #2 on: 25 May 2007, 12:04:03 »

Hey, Alt!

I have written some poetry (Kuglimz love songs and battle songs mostly) so I hope you don't mind if I make a suggestion or two.

The second line of your first song/prayer might work better if you change it to be more specific. "Even like a bird" sounds a bit choppy--what about "As a vévan’már" (the Sarvonian seagull, a swift and beautiful flyer)

The third and fourth lines could go "My horse be sound in flight/ as he does me bear.  (This evens out the sylabic (is that a word?) irregularity.)

The the fifth line might  be smoother as "Homeward we  two will fly" (to make it scan with "My horse be swift in flight")

Then the last two  "And you rewarded be/ with banners brightly red".

So the first stanza would  read like this

My horse, be swift in flight,
As a vévan’már,
My horse, be sound in flight,
as you do me bear.
Homeward we two will fly
And you rewarded be
With banners brightly red.

Forgive me for mutilating your work,  these are only suggestions if you want it to scan more smoothly.   You may have intended the irregularity; if so, ignore me.  If you like my changes, I can rework the second stanza as well.  It's up to you what you want to do.

Alysse
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Alysse the Likely
Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin
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« Reply #3 on: 25 May 2007, 12:17:20 »

Hey, that sounds good. 

Well, with you working on this one, and Alessiel (sp) working on my second two, I'll have the best poetry going.  Hmmm....guess I need to give you top billing on this one too.

Thank you.  I would appreciate the help on the second verse.
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Alassiel Telrúnya
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« Reply #4 on: 25 May 2007, 15:47:11 »

I can't help you if you want Prayer 2 to be irregular, but two suggestions which would make it regular are:

I am a Caracal, doomed to die.
If there is anything difficult,
If there is anything dangerous,
That is mine to do.

OR...

I am a Caracal
Who is supposed to die,
If there is something hard
Or something difficult,
That's mine to do alone.

I understand if you want to keep it irregular.
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Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin
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« Reply #5 on: 25 May 2007, 22:33:28 »

I think that first one sounds bette.  How about you?
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Alysse the Likely
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« Reply #6 on: 25 May 2007, 23:03:34 »

I prefer the first one too--the alliteration of  "doomed", "die", "difficult", etc., sounds better to me.

For the second stanza of the first prayer, I'd change " battle to "war" in the first and third lines, the second line to "as the Thunderfoot"   and the last three lines to " A warrior I will be / to the last air I breathe / And then to Kur'och's side."

Thus:

My sword, be strong in war
as the Thunderfoot
My sword, be true in war,
Keep my honour fast.
A warrior I will be
To the last air I breathe,
And then to Kur'och's side.

It just flows a little more smoothly now.  You don't need to give me top billing here, just put my name in the credits ;)

Seriously, though, these changes are just suggestions and you can feel free to ignore them if you feel that I have changed or adjusted your meaning at all.  I have a preference for symmetry in poetry, but my taste is not everyone's.

Not to blow my own horn, but you could look at some of the Kuglimz poetry (not all of it is mine) for ideas, because, like the Ice Tribes, their culture is one that embraces nature, is deeply attuned to the earth, and values courage and strength as two of the highest virtues.  So there would be some similarities in their songs, poems, etc.  They're in the Library forum, under Songs of the Kuglimz, under Poems/Songs/Chants, if you're interested.
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Alysse the Likely
Takór Salenár
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« Reply #7 on: 25 May 2007, 23:43:02 »

Why is the caracal supposed to die - I mean more than other beasts? I would say it is the least threatened animal in this respect.
- your nemesis   buck
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Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin
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« Reply #8 on: 26 May 2007, 00:31:25 »

@ Takor: Well, not so much the caracal is supposed to die, but the warriors do not fear death, and the Caracal is what they would consider a predator worthy enough to aspire to.

@ Alysse  No, I like these suggestions a lot.  I will check out the poety of the Kuglimz soon.  Maybe it will inspire me to scibble down some more dribble (see I CAN rhyme) that you great people can turn into something worthy enough to include
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Alassiel Telrúnya
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« Reply #9 on: 26 May 2007, 00:44:29 »

Yes, I agree, I did like the first one better, because of the alliterations, as Alysse said.

Now, who would like to name it? rolleyes
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Miraran Tehuriden
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« Reply #10 on: 26 May 2007, 01:44:24 »

"Honour" ?
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Avrah Kehabhra

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Alassiel Telrúnya
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« Reply #11 on: 26 May 2007, 01:47:13 »

What is your reason for picking this title?

And ooh I've thought of one..."Like The Caracal", or "Doomed To Die".
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Miraran Tehuriden
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« Reply #12 on: 26 May 2007, 01:57:58 »

The text all seemed to be about honour in combat, by eather fighting bravely and winning, or finding death in battle instead of fleeing..
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Avrah Kehabhra

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Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin
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« Reply #13 on: 26 May 2007, 02:03:12 »

Like the Caracal...except maybe just The Caracal, as they are not comparing to the Caracal, thay ARE the Caracal.  Maybe just Caracal.

Honour might work for #1.

Fate for #3?

Thses simple titles might be best for a people who are not full of a lot of poetic ferver.  Everything to them is short and too the point.  (see Takor, I AM learning from you)  They might see flowery titles as wasted words/effort/time.  And they waste nothing.
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Alassiel Telrúnya
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« Reply #14 on: 26 May 2007, 02:06:41 »

They sound like good titles, easy to remember. :)
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