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Author Topic: The Carteloreen  (Read 5614 times)
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Alassiel Telrúnya
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« on: 29 June 2007, 16:01:15 »

I know, my title is pretty unimaginative, but at least it's simple! :P

This poem was originally a piece of prose written many centuries ago by an eccentric whale watcher trying to describe the reason for his passion for whales. It was then rediscovered by a poet who was inspired while he was looking through old books, parchment and scrolls which he had found deep in the cellar of the Library of Ciosa. The nearly dissolved parchment instantly got his attention, and he eventually wrote a poem about the Carteloreen based on the writing of this whale watcher.

The Carteloreen

Sometimes called Carteloreen,
Noble as a King or Queen;
Wreathed in waves and breathing air,
Such magnificence is rare!

Heads so soft, triangular,
Body stripes irregular;
Two front flukes and shoulders humped,
Tap‘ring tails to help them jump.

Let Thytellor sweep through seas
With its eerie melodies,
Graceful beaching, dancing pods
Make the watchers all applaud.

Four main types of sentient beasts,
North to South and West to East,
They have Dopholk friends, it’s true,
Allies of the Merfolk too!

Legends tell of Silffin’s name,
Men from ice with eyes of flame;
White Sword-Whale of Baveras,
Riders of the northern pass.

Mystery surrounds these whales
Many don’t know what it veils;
Now let’s all return to land,
Leave behind the shells and sand.
« Last Edit: 22 July 2007, 02:57:05 by Artimidor Federkiel » Logged

Alassiel Telrúnya
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« Reply #1 on: 30 June 2007, 05:12:46 »

Is this poem too short? I mean, there have been shorter poems, but does it get the message across, or should I add a little more to it?
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Letitia De Lockhart
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« Reply #2 on: 30 June 2007, 05:16:12 »

I think the poem looks quite good, though I do think you would need an introduction (that is definitely what I found the hardest part).
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Alassiel Telrúnya
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« Reply #3 on: 30 June 2007, 05:21:10 »

Is an introduction a must? I saw Decipher's Venlaken poem didn't have an introduction...but perhaps I'd better do one just in case.
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Decipher Ziron
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« Reply #4 on: 30 June 2007, 05:35:44 »

Hmmm....Lass it is true my poem lacked a description...but it did have a little opening which explained the influence (The magnificent Gean Firefeet and his 'Ode to the Desert' poem)

It aint neccesary! But its nice!

The Omnipotent Decipher Ziron
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Alassiel Telrúnya
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« Reply #5 on: 30 June 2007, 05:59:44 »

Alright, I've done an introduction! Hope it's okay! :)
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« Reply #6 on: 30 June 2007, 06:07:03 »

Very nice Lass...Does help me get what the poem is about alot more, the statement makes the first verse especially much easier to comprehend...grin
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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #7 on: 30 June 2007, 16:37:35 »

Introductions are really good to have, especially when we realize a better poem categorization system. Helps people get into the poem much better and gives some background. Readers will appreciated it :)

I'm busy with site updating this weekend, so no comments from me before Monday, but I'll get back to our poetry division later ;)
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Alassiel Telrúnya
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« Reply #8 on: 01 July 2007, 21:38:24 »

Glad I did one, then. I actually had no problem doing an introduction, it was the poem which I found more difficult to do. I chose to set a challenge for myself and write the poem in the way I did instead of only having every alternate line rhyme, or not having it rhyme at all. As much as I admire poems which don't rhyme, I just don't feel comfortable with writing one. It has to rhyme. I really like poems and songs which have a regular clear beat to them. :)
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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #9 on: 02 July 2007, 06:13:08 »

Hey, Alassiel,

I was just in the mood to look over your poem , for it is quite nice, but the rhythm is not always fitting. I run over a problem though, where lies the stress on

Canteloreen?

Canteloreen

Canteloreen
I looked through your introduction, hope you don't mind my critics



This poem was originally a piece of prose written many centuries ago by an eccentric whale watcher trying to describe the reason for his passion for whales. It was then rediscovered by a poet who was bored but felt like writing a poem about something. I don‘t think that this belongs in the compendium, that the poet was bored and had nothing better to do.. Maybe more like this :   It was then rediscovered by a poet who was inspired while he was looking ....He was looking through old books, parchment and scrolls which he had found deep in the cellar of the Library of Ciosa (e.g.)  The nearly dissolved parchment   instantly got his attention, and he eventually wrote a poem about the Carteloreen based on the writing of this whale watcher.



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"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path  that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking,  breathlessly. ~Don Juan"
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Alassiel Telrúnya
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« Reply #10 on: 02 July 2007, 16:00:34 »

Thanks for your comments, I fixed the introduction. And here's the whole poem with the stressings, just thought I'd show you in case you have any more critique on it.

Known as the Carteloreen,
Majestic as a King or Queen;
Wreathed in waves, breathing air,
To them, nothing could compare.

Their soft triangular heads
Guide them down to the seabed;
Two front flukes and shoulders humped,
Tapering tails to help them jump.

Let Thytellor sweep through seas
With its eerie melodies;
Graceful breaching, dancing pods
Make the watchers all applaud.

Four main types of sentient beasts,
North to South and West to East;
They have Dopholk friends, it’s true,
Allies of the Merfolk too!

Legends tell of Silffin’s name,
Men from ice with eyes of flame;
White Sword-Whale of Baveras,
Northriders none can surpass.

Mystery surrounds these whales
Many don’t know what it veils;
Now let’s all return to land,
And leave behind the shells and sand.
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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #11 on: 02 July 2007, 22:38:03 »

I was not sure, though I assumed it after your stress rhythm. We should ask Judy. Is this an invented name or does it exist in reality?

I don't have enough time now for the whole poem, just a few thoughts:

S=Stanza
L=Line


Known as the Carteloreen,
Majestic as a King or Queen;
Wreathed in waves, breathing air,
To them, nothing could compare.

Their soft triangular heads
Guide them down to the seabed;


L1:  Generally: It is not good if the stress is on an unimportant word as "the" "of" etc. Better avoid it if possible.

S1: it is not good if your change your stress from the first to the second line. if you do it, you should do It throughout the whole poem.

L3 : Two stressed syllables follow each other - that's bad, but it is easy here, just add a "and"

Wreathed in waves and breathing air,


L4: If I look at the meaning, "them " should be stressed and not "to", otherwise it  sounds wrongly .

Is "could" what you want, should it not be "can"?

No beast ,  nothing could compare. (that is not much better)


S2L1
Their soft triangular heads

I'm not a versified poet, in contrary, but I don't think that you can, even with a poet's freedom change the normal stress of a word like this.

It should be
Triangular

You can't read

triangular

there are two other words: triquetrous, three-cornered  - but they are as difficult to integrate them with them having three syllables.


S2L2
Guide them down to the seabed;

The stress on the unimportant "the "  is not good, in addition you miss the "s"

......

Your pictures are very nice, but it is  a hard work to find the right way to express them - and time consuming and often you have to change entire passages ! I'll help you to find better solutions later!

« Last Edit: 02 July 2007, 22:39:53 by Talia Sturmwind » Logged

"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path  that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking,  breathlessly. ~Don Juan"
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Bard Judith
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« Reply #12 on: 02 July 2007, 23:23:51 »

Talia, thanks for the IM!    The word "Carteloreen" is pronounced 'Kar-tell-awe-reen', and stressed 'carTELoreen'.     
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Alassiel Telrúnya
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« Reply #13 on: 03 July 2007, 01:46:23 »

Okay, I've fixed everything except the bit about their triangular heads...I have no idea how to replace it. I'm open to all suggestions. Also, I'm not sure about the last line of my 5th Stanza. I need somebody to confirm that it fits in. That's it so far. :)
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Alassiel Telrúnya
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« Reply #14 on: 03 July 2007, 04:57:21 »

For the triangular bit, how about:

'Heads soft and triangular...' And I don't know what to put next. Possible rhymes are 'irregular', 'particular', 'peculiar' and 'popular'. I've probably missed something out. rolleyes
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