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Author Topic: A shepards ditty, the Kuglim  (Read 8659 times)
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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #15 on: 26 July 2007, 21:57:24 »

A little break for me...

I showed the stresses of the first line to make the differences clear to the second stanza. I thouhgt there might be problems if you want to actually sing both with the same melody, but maybe there is a solution.

"The cancu sheep have all run off,
the cancu sheep are gone,
Look in the valley, comb the hills,
the cancu sheep are gone,
Go pray you find them, pray  they're safe
the cancu sheep are gone,
Look at the ground boy, search the tracks,
the cancu sheep are gone,
The great bear hunts, the great bear eats,
the cancu sheep are gone."


Different stress here, though very nice as well!

Why are you sleeping, what have you done?   / - - / - / - - /
the cancu sheep are gone,.. .......................... - / - / - /
Now we'll be hungry, what will we eat?........   / - - / - / - - /
the cancu sheep are gone,
Your mother is crying, your father's in  rage,
the cancu sheep are gone,
Go grab your sharp arrows, go grab your  swift bow,
the cancu sheep are gone,
Tonight we shall feast, on rich  (add one syllable word) bear meat,
the cancu sheep are gone.

Needs an edit later, someone is coming.
« Last Edit: 26 July 2007, 22:12:54 by Talia Sturmwind » Logged

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Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin
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« Reply #16 on: 29 July 2007, 12:27:35 »

I made the changes you suggested, Talia.  I'm not sure how to handle the stresses though. huh

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Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin
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« Reply #17 on: 31 July 2007, 12:00:37 »

Alysse, as the Kuglimz are your baby, I hope to get your input on this.
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Alysse the Likely
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« Reply #18 on: 31 July 2007, 12:16:04 »

Yes, I saw it earlier but didn't actually have time to comment.  Thanks for the heads up and I will try to go over it carefully soon.  But I will be busy for the next couple of days, planning a birthday party for my beloved husband, who turns 38 on Wednesday.

But I should have time before the next update to comment and make any pertinent (or, knowing me, possibly impertinent)  suggestions.  grin

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« Reply #19 on: 07 August 2007, 22:43:24 »

I like the poem, Altario.  Did you want suggestions for the meter, or were you simply asking me to look at content?  I'm not much of a poet, but if this is a song, it doesn't necessarily have to scan perfectly, as long as you can sing it and get it to work with your tune.  I use lots of different kinds of rhythms and meter patterns in my songs.

Which tribe of the Kuglimz did you have in mind when you wrote this?  There are half a dozen--some are nomadic, and some are settled.  My guess would be one of the Kuglimz'ura, the nomadic tribes, and most likely the Fal'cone people, as they have large herds, but you can choose differently if you wish.  Alysse the Likely is a Fal'cone Kuglim, so you could mention her as a source for the song. (Since the Fal'cone are very reclusive, she would be one of the major sources of information available to the Compendium on them.)

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Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin
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« Reply #20 on: 07 August 2007, 23:13:19 »

ok, thank you.  That's the kind of info I wanted, plus, just didn't want to try passing a Kuglim entry without your input, as they are your people so to speak :D

Trying to hit all the bases.

It is to be sung.  Mostly by shepherds while tending the sheep, but i liked Arti's suggestion of having a chorus shout the "The Cancu Sheep are gone" part.  So, yes, I'll mention Alysse the Likely for this, thank you.
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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #21 on: 07 August 2007, 23:20:41 »

Hi Altario, let‘s have a look at this one, Alysse pushed it up, so I don‘t have to look for.

I think the first stanza is ok now, but you have to decide, if you want to keep the stress in the second like in the first or alter it, but then you have to keep it through the whole poem if possible. (I don‘t know how Alysse does it, but I only know the exceptions where you sing two or some shorter notes instead of one where the text has more syllables. But you should not necessarily go for this, it is always a stone to stumble over. The „going“ with the tune is not as easy as it seems - for me ;) May be we should ask Gean)

So if you want to use the different stress (which was quite nice) like you had it, look at my last revision (not that before). You need to keep the „why were you sleeping“ in L1. look at my additions to line 7 and the alteration of L5!

If you want to keep the stress from the first stanza, then you should try to apply it wherever possible:


Why have you slept, what have you done?
the cancu sheep are gone,
Now we'll be hungry, we will starve
the cancu sheep are gone,
Your mother cries, your father shouts
the cancu sheep are gone,
Go grab your arrows, () grab your bow,
the cancu sheep are gone,
Tonight we'll[ feast, on  rich bear meat,
the cancu sheep are gone.
« Last Edit: 07 August 2007, 23:23:10 by Talia Sturmwind » Logged

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« Reply #22 on: 07 August 2007, 23:28:49 »

Thanks Talia.  I admit, this stress/unstress thing is beyond me...it just stresses me, lol

OK, I will make those changes.  In line 7, the (), I don't understand?  Is this to show you removed a word?  Or to show I need one?

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« Reply #23 on: 10 August 2007, 23:38:04 »

Hang on Art, I'm here to help.... grin

If I can get this approved for ya, I will.  Just need any new refining comments.
 
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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #24 on: 11 August 2007, 00:25:15 »

Yes, () means omit this word.

Altario, just read any article about stress in poetry and you will know of what I speak, I'm not a poet either. The underlined words need to be stressed, have the accent/emphasis..

Please read my comments again thoroughly, you need to decide which form you want and not mix it up!



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« Reply #25 on: 11 August 2007, 00:37:08 »

Thanks, Talia.  I went with your comments. grin

I'm gonna save that article on stress/unstress for my next song i think, lol.  For now, I will trust in your wisdom.
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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #26 on: 11 August 2007, 00:38:20 »


And again:


- means unstressed, / stressed

first stanza fine!

The cancu sheep have all run off,
 - / - / - / - /
the cancu sheep are gone
 - / - / - /
Go pray you find them, pray  they're safe
- / - / - / - /
the cancu sheep are gone,
- / - / - /
Look at the ground boy, search the tracks,
- / - / - / - /
the cancu sheep are gone,
- / - / - /
The great bear hunts, the great bear eats,
- / - / - / - /
the cancu sheep are gone."
- / - / - /

Second stanza: Either like the first:

Why have you slept, what have you done?
 - / - / - / - /
the cancu sheep are gone,
- / - / - /
Now we'll be hungry, we will starve
 - / - / - / - /
the cancu sheep are gone,
- / - / - /
Your mother cries, your father shouts
 - / - / - / - /
the cancu sheep are gone,
- / - / - /
Go grab your arrows,  grab your bow,
 - / - / - / - /
the cancu sheep are gone,
- / - / - /
Tonight we'll[ feast, on  rich bear meat,
 - / - / - / - /
the cancu sheep are gone.
- / - / - /


Or like you had it in the beginning, different, would probably need a different melody .

Why are you sleeping, what have you done?
/ - - / - / - - / 
the cancu sheep are gone,
- / - / - /
Now we'll be hungry, what will we eat?
/ - - / - / - - /
the cancu sheep are gone,
- / - / - /
Mother is crying,  father's in  rage,
/ - - / - / - - / 
the cancu sheep are gone,
- / - / - /
Grab your sharp arrows,  grab your  swift bow,
/ - - / - / - - /
the cancu sheep are gone,
- / - / - /
T'night we shall feast, on some rich  bear meat,
/ - - / - / - - /
the cancu sheep are gone.
- / - / - /

Of course you can alter the choice of words, but the stress should be kept if possible.
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« Reply #27 on: 11 August 2007, 00:39:29 »

I dislike it very much when somebody posts while I'm writing still ! evil

LOL
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Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin
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« Reply #28 on: 11 August 2007, 00:41:56 »

lol...especially when you went to so much trouble with that stress/unstress diagram, then i ruin it by saying "ok", and making the quick change.

No wonder I vex you so much Talia, I'm just annoying. buck
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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #29 on: 11 August 2007, 02:46:22 »

Okeydokey, then I'll take this from here :)
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