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Author Topic: A Mermaid's Tale  (Read 1104 times)
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Letitia De Lockhart
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« on: 31 July 2007, 05:07:15 »

Okay, I have not finished this yet, but it was originally meant to be a short story, yet I think it could turn out to be a lot longer than I thought. Anyway I thought I could post what I have done so far, just to make sure if people think what I am writing is good, or not. So this is what I have written so far, but I think, if it is okay, there should be quite a bit more to come.

“Hehila… Hehila, where are you,” a young mermaid called out to her sister, as she searched through the seabed, looking in every crack and crevice in view. “Ha ha”, a blurred figure speed across the water to a small cave of rocks, bursting out in a fit of giggles, before falling back into complete silence yet again.

“Come on Hehila, you know it is not safe around here and mum will be back soon.” The young mermaid continued speaking as she slowly glided through the water over to the small cave of rocks.

Just as she was barely a palmspan away from the cave, Hehila yet again shot past, strait in front of her sister’s face. “Ha ha, you cannot catch me; come-on Rellina, I will race you to that ship.”

Hehila enthusiastically streamed through the smooth, translucent liquid; heading straight towards a large ship that she saw hidden beneath weeds and moss on the seabed. “Hehila come back, it is not safe,” Rellina called in distress to her young sister.

Rellina frantically chased her sister down to the ship; she looked in all directions to keep an eye out for predators that may be hidden in the dark depths. Their mother had always told both Rellina and Hehila to watch out for sharks in these waters, it was not safe for two young mermaids to be out alone.

As Hehila reached the ship far in front of her sister, she found a small hole in the woodwork, just big enough for her to fit through. As she squeezed through the hole Hehila scratched her arm on a rusty, old nail that was just managing to hold the wood together, and stop in from falling to pieces.

Her blood spread fast through the water and almost seemed to stain the translucent liquid a light shade of red. This did not bother Hehila much, she was far too curious about this old derelict ship, that had sunk to the bottom of the sea.

But the smell of her blood attracted the attention of an unwanted visitor. As a shark previously resting in the waters nearby, stealthily stalked towards the source of what seemed to him to be a delicious scent.

As Rellina came closer to the ship, she noticed something quite large moving in the distance. Rellina moved slowly to get a closer look at the creature, it’s teeth looked sharp and it seemed to be heading for were Hehila was, “Oh no, a shark, Hehila is in there.”

Hehila entered into a small, dilapidated room; though her vision was impaired in the bitter darkness. She just managed to feel her way round the area and discovered a rusty, almost ancient in Hehila’s mind, door handle.

Rellina panicked unsure of what to do, she swiftly swam into a crack in the rock too hide away. Peaking over the edge of the rocks, she watched the sharks stalking around in the deep waters.

Hehila’s eyes were beginning to adjust to the dim light, though she began to feel a bit more wary of her surroundings. Her ears perked up as Hehila heard a noise coming from just outside the ship; she did not look round, but presumed it was her sister.

Hearing this in an attempt to hide from who she believed to be her sister, Hehila promptly twisted the old door handle and slipped through as it creaked open on the rickety hinges. She left the door open behind her whilst venturing further and further into the depths.

The shark could hear Hehila’s movement and smell the sweet scent of her blood. He found the hole through which she had entered and the red still lingering in the water.
The hole was too small for this blood thirsty beast, so it began to bit away at the rotting wood with his sharp, almost dagger like teeth. Crashing away at the wreck he managed to create a big enough gap for him to get inside.

"I love him, I adore him, my mind and soul is now transported with the thought of that blessed ecstatic moment when I shall see him, embrace him...
I must sin on and love him more than ever. It is a crime worth going to hell for."
Artimidor Federkiel

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« Reply #1 on: 09 August 2007, 05:01:26 »

Took a while to get to this, but have read now what you have so far, Letitia :)

So far it looks nice in general, though of course I don't know where you plan to head with the story - if there's a morale to it eventually etc.

What I'd like to point out in this context is that the merfolk in Caelereth has its own race entry and that it has its own language, customs and so on. What you describe here wouldn't reflect the merfolk as it really is in Caelereth (as in Caelereth mermaids are real), but it is more an anthropomorph version, where they are treated like humans. This isn't that bad if the story is put into a context where this is clear. For example if it is introduced as a fairy-tale or some sort of fable so that parents teach their children something. This should be made clear in the introduction. If the story has a morale, it could also be embedded for example into a dialogue between a parent and the children, where - once the tale is told - the parent makes final statements regarding the morale. - Know what I mean?

"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
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