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Stargaze
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« on: 19 August 2007, 17:47:16 »

Overview: The Ronce falcon is a majestic creature that is both admired and feared at the same time due to it's rumored conection with one of the Demon Lords Tsalokath. It is known by two nicknames the Seeker and Tsalokath's Messenger. It is a bird who's eyes have a shocking resemblance to the Myrddin Falcons . It is found all over Sarvonia but mainly within the Nimerth Moutians.

   Appearance: The Ronce is believed to be in Tsalokath's favor and proudly wears its pure black feathers which represent Tsalokath's power over shadows.  Both the males and  females are about equal in size only getting up to around two palmspans in length from the tip of their beaks to the end of their tail.   Their beaks are about 3 nailsbreadth's long curving at the very tip on the top so that they can get a proper hold on their prey.  Their feet are almost all black but have zig zagging lines on them to represent lightning.  If you were to ever look one in the eye's you would see a pair of the beautiful gold eyes only second to the Myrddin's. 

                                 Their wing's are what set them apart from any other bird of prey.  With their wings resembling that of a dragons. The feathers on their wings are so thin that while they are in flight they look to be translucent. They are also stacked upon each other so that when one looks at them they appear to be scales. At the very end of both there appears to be a spike curving inward. They are also know for their wings appearing bigger than they should making their body look disproportionate. Depending on the size of the bird their wingspan can get up to two fores and 3 palmspan's allowing them great control and stability while in the air.   
   
        Special Abilities: This bird is not one of the fastest of the birds of prey but its uncanny ability to change its direction in an instant no matter how fast it is going has gotten it the nickname "Seeker" because it is able to follow it's prey no matter where it runs to.

Like the rest of the birds of prey it's eye sight is incredible being able to see several leagues away it has come to be known as one of the best hunters in all of Sarvonia.

        Territory: They are located through out all of Sarvonia in small numbers but have a large popluation within the Nirmenith Mountains.  There have been reported sitings of these birds flying through towns before a severe drought or a heavy storm that turn plains into bogs or before a Great Whirlwind charges out of the see giving them their more comonly used nickname "Tsalokath's messenger".   

        Habitat/Behavior: The Ronce is a very protective bird it has been almost impossible for any researchers to even get close to their nesting areas.  They use the outcroppings of the mountain as their nest. It is built out of anything that the bird can get its claws on they don't seem to be very picky about the items they use to build their nest.

                                   They are a very violent species, attacking anything that moves as long as they feel threatened.  However they are a very patient bird or very lazy seeing as how they can wait hours on in for their prey to show up.


        Diet: The Ronce doesn't just eat one animal it likes to have a pick of whatever it wants.  Living in the mountains however limits it's choices but it doesn't care that much it just makes sure to try and get something different for every meal.  It likes to eat Surica, and Minch most of the time. Whenever they get a chance to they will also attack the Myrddin.

         Mating: Not much is known about their mating rituals because not that many people enjoy to travel into mountains and many fear the birds.  The few that have taken the time out of their lives to study these magnificent specimens as they put it have learned quite a bit.  The females become sexually mature at the age of three.  Instead of finding a mate for the rest of their lives they force the males to prove that they are worthy every year but in some cases it has been shown that the female will always choose the same male.

                               In order to show their dominance over one another the males will try to scare eachother away by spreading their wings and puff out their chest so that they look larger and more intimidating than they are.  They will also bring food to the females to show that they are good hunters and can feed her for a time being.


Myth/Lore:      Tsalokath laughed a most terrible laugh when she created the Ronce from her shadows and lightning.  It is said that she was appalled at seeing the Myrddin falcon Gorthar's supposed creation. She let out such a scream that the wizard who had summoned her lost his hearing and sight. She than brought forth one of the worst storms Sarvonia had ever seen. On this night it has been reported that farmers could hear a voice on the wind saying "He dares to create one such as the Myrddin and think I would not retaliate."

                                This storm was said to have lasted for one day throughout the main part of Sarvonia but a week in the Nimermith Moutians. After that week Tsalokath left this realm and forever left her mark on it, the Ronce falcon, favorite of Tsalokath.   

     
       
« Last Edit: 10 September 2007, 13:33:20 by Stargaze » Logged
Decipher Ziron
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« Reply #1 on: 21 August 2007, 02:20:59 »

Bellring me When you've finished this...
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Drúadan
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« Reply #2 on: 22 August 2007, 09:56:42 »

Yay! I love Birds of Prey! Good luck Stargaze. Entry looks good so far, can't wait to see the finished form.:)

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Then take me disappearin' through the smoke rings of my mind,
Down the foggy ruins of time, far past the frozen leaves,
The haunted, frightened trees, out to the windy beach,
Far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow.
Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free,
Silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands,
With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves,
Let me forget about today until tomorrow.


-Bob Dylan "Mr. Tambourine Man"
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« Reply #3 on: 24 August 2007, 10:26:07 »

Lets take a look see. I will be attacking you with a red highlighter:)


Overview: The Ronce falcon was a creature created by Tsalokath as direct retaliation to Gorthar’s Myrddin falcon. While myth indicates that Gorthar created the Myriddin, this is only myth, and you can’t really say for sure that the Ronce was created by Tsalokath, you have to add a mythology section explaining that she probably created it.  This fowl did you do this on purpose? That is a great pun, I gotta say. “fowl” actually is the word for a bird, while “foul”, is evil and all that. Which one did you mean? creature was designed to resemble the Myrddin Something else to explain in the mythology section. Why is of such import to Tsalokath that it be similar to the Myriddin. If anything, I could expect it to be as separate an entity as it could be! But maybe you can think of an explanation. :) but to also have some traits of Tsalokath in her human form.see below

   Appearance: The Ronce takes after Tsalokath in her humanI don't believe she would have a human form. I assume you were working off the picture in the entry, which is actually (i think) her true demonic form. Something to do with humans not having wings. ;) form so much that many people believe them to be more than her creation but her in one of her many forms. Their feathers are pitch black. Instead of having normal wings they have wings like that of a dragon but smaller so that their body looks proportional. Their feet are pure white as if to create the illusion that lightning surrounds them at all times. I’m having trouble picturing this illusion, but if you see it, it works I guess. Their eyes are the purest gold you would probably ever see only second to that of the Myrddin's. the color descriptions here are lovely, I must say. But perhaps you could talk about the shapes of the head, feat, and body. Do they have sharp teeth? And how about an estimated length? All things to consider…

         
        Special Abilities: This bird is not one of the fastest of the birds of prey but its uncanny ability to change its direction in an instant no matter how fast it is going has gottenhow bout  "earned" instead of gotten? Litle bit better grammer. k? it the nickname "Seeker" because it is able to follow it's prey no matter where it runs to.

Like the rest of the birds of prey it's eye sight is incredible being able to see several leagues away it has come to be known as one of the best hunters in all of Sarvonia.

        Territory: The only known place in which these birds live for sure is the Nirmenith Mountains.  There have been reported sightings of these birds flying through towns before a severe drought or a heavy storm that turn plains into bogs or before a Great Whirlwind charges out of the see giving them their more commonly used nickname "Tsalokath's messenger".both this nickname and the nickname, “Seeker” should be mentioned in the overview
   
        Habitat/Behavior: The Ronce is a very territorial bird it has been almost impossible for any researchers to even get close to their nesting areas.  They use the outcroppings of the mountain as their nest. It is build out of anything that the bird can get its claws on they don't seem to be very picky about that kind of stuff."that kind of stuff"? Maybe try to word this in a little more formal manner.

They are a very violent species, attacking anything that moves for no apparent reason.  However they are a very patient bird or very lazy seeing as how they can wait hours on in for their prey to show up.


        Diet: Its main prey is the Minchwrath. It will also feed on any mouse that it finds in the area. If they ever get lucky however they will graciously dine on a snow rat every now and than.  In times of great desperation or for the fun of it at least two Ronce falcons will attack a Myrddin falcon but only when the time calls for it.You say that this was created as a direct retaliation to the Myriddin, but it only attacks it in times of great desperation, (or for fun?). Neither really seem to fit I think.


         Mating: Not much is known about these animals mating rituals because many people are afraid to get anywhere close to them believing that they will have the wrath or Tsalokath brought down on them.  When there has been a soul brave enough to capture one to study they have only learned a little.  This is because in all of recorded history only females have been examined the males have never been sighted or if they have no one knew it. Unless we can add some kind of explanation, I find a lote of trouble believing this. no males?
Through many studies and trying times a few recherches were able to get a newborn Ronce.  This baby was a female not to their suprise. I think this sentence should probably be removed. You have already said they haven’t found a male earlier, nuff said.;)  They raised it to adulthood and found out that they became sexually mature at about three years old.



This is a very good first entry. Much better than mine at least! The biggest problem I have is the similarity with the Myriddin. I know you say it with intent of direct retaliation, but it everything fro mthe appearance to the diet to the behaviour seems similar in atleast one way. The mythologies will be similar when you actually write it down, and I think you need to expand by changing lots of little details in order to create some major differences between the birds, besides just adding a more aggressive myriddin with an appearance change.

Grammer: Okay, but when you have edited in all other comments I will give it a readthrough for grammer.
Spelling: You need to run any entry you write through a spellcheck, both to make sure it is the best it can be, and as a courtesy to the people checking your entry.

Very good entry, and I applaud the amount of obvious research, especially about Tsalokath that you put in. :)
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Then take me disappearin' through the smoke rings of my mind,
Down the foggy ruins of time, far past the frozen leaves,
The haunted, frightened trees, out to the windy beach,
Far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow.
Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free,
Silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands,
With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves,
Let me forget about today until tomorrow.


-Bob Dylan "Mr. Tambourine Man"
Stargaze
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« Reply #4 on: 24 August 2007, 10:52:48 »

Thank you for your comments Druadan they mean alot.  I will try my best to change everything you have pointed out to me so that it will meet your expectations.

Thank you again
Stargaze
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Drúadan
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« Reply #5 on: 24 August 2007, 22:11:53 »

Thank you Stargaze for aknowledging my suggestions so quickly. Make sure you don't forget to color your changes. :)
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Then take me disappearin' through the smoke rings of my mind,
Down the foggy ruins of time, far past the frozen leaves,
The haunted, frightened trees, out to the windy beach,
Far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow.
Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free,
Silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands,
With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves,
Let me forget about today until tomorrow.


-Bob Dylan "Mr. Tambourine Man"
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« Reply #6 on: 24 August 2007, 23:55:26 »

Hello Stargaze,

a few quick comments to your submission.

As already said, a nice start, however there are some things which won't work.

- You cannot say, this bird was created by Tsalokath, you may say, that people believe it, but not more. And then you have to say WHY people believe it. The best would be you restrict it to the myth lore section and explain there, why people think it is the case. It is very difficult to weave the gods or demons in your case directly in overview and description as Vesk did it.


You need to describe much clearer,  how this bird differs from the Myrdinn falcon, how people came to say so - or are your falcons Myrdinn falcons who just behave strangely?

First the different behaviour, then the explanation!

So far I can't see anything in your description which would  point to the rumour that it was created by a demon.

Why does it only live in the Nirmenith mountains? And eat animals which are only living in the Mithral mountains? ;)

There is still quite a bit work required, but you are well on your way! :)
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Stargaze
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« Reply #7 on: 29 August 2007, 07:30:28 »

I have made all the changes that I thought you would like to see and they are in green.  Any more comments and criticism's would be greatly appreciated.
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Drúadan
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« Reply #8 on: 29 August 2007, 09:38:42 »

If you are looknig for more comments, why not bell ring Deci,

(link) http://www.santharia.com/dev/index.php/topic,10698.0.html
 
seeing as he asked you to when you were done a couple posts up. ;)
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Then take me disappearin' through the smoke rings of my mind,
Down the foggy ruins of time, far past the frozen leaves,
The haunted, frightened trees, out to the windy beach,
Far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow.
Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free,
Silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands,
With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves,
Let me forget about today until tomorrow.


-Bob Dylan "Mr. Tambourine Man"
Stargaze
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« Reply #9 on: 29 August 2007, 09:42:01 »

Ok thank you Druadan I'll do that right now and thank you for letting me know about the dragons too.
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Vesk Lyricahl
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« Reply #10 on: 29 August 2007, 10:12:52 »

I'm flattered that you would create a falcon to serve as a dark counterpart to my Myrddin falcons. :) Now on to the comments...

It doesn't seem quite right to say that the Ronce resembles the Myrddin in a lot of physical features when there is truly only one that they share, their eyes. I would suggest rewording this in the overview to specifically mention their eyes.

For birds with such unique wings, I think the wings should be described in greater detail. I'd like to see a description of how their wings resemble that of a dragon's. I assume you mean in the shape of the wings, but you don't actually describe the shape, so my assumption could be wrong.

Since the Ronce attacks everything that comes near, I think the diet section should mention something to the effect that they don't eat everything they kill. Also, I don't understand how such a violent and territorial bird can gather in groups. Wouldn't they only attack each other?

It seems to me that the Myth/Lore section is not descriptive enough. There should be more of a storylike quality to the myths themselves. For example, you could go into detail with the creation myth for the Ronce, detailing how Tsalokath supposedly created the bird.

You've got a good start here. It just saddens me that you'd want to harm the majestic Myrddin falcons. ;)

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« Reply #11 on: 29 August 2007, 10:18:38 »

Thank you for taking the time to read over my creation Vesk it really means allot to me since the Myrrdin is my favorite bird of prey. (I know that my sound weird since I said the Ronce killed them but it's true.)

I will make those changes that you have suggested as soon as I can.

Thank you again.
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« Reply #12 on: 29 August 2007, 10:38:17 »

Not to add another burden, but something Vesk said made me think...

Considering how aggresive these birds are, it seems like the Myriddin would be endangered, and close to extinction within a relatively short period of time, and we don't want that. Am I overexaggerating how agressive these birds are? Whaddya guys think?

I know, I know. Too many comments at once.  :D
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Then take me disappearin' through the smoke rings of my mind,
Down the foggy ruins of time, far past the frozen leaves,
The haunted, frightened trees, out to the windy beach,
Far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow.
Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free,
Silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands,
With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves,
Let me forget about today until tomorrow.


-Bob Dylan "Mr. Tambourine Man"
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« Reply #13 on: 29 August 2007, 10:42:29 »

Yes I had thought about that to but that is why I placed the Ronce in the Nirmenith Mountains, because according to the Myrddin's description that is only the begining of their territory and it's the only place the Ronce lives.
« Last Edit: 29 August 2007, 10:52:49 by Stargaze » Logged
Decipher Ziron
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« Reply #14 on: 30 August 2007, 18:16:44 »

Sorry for lateness, here is my comments:



Overview: The Ronce falcon is a majestic creature that is both admired and feared (Why feared?) at the same time. It is known by two nicknames the Seeker and Tsalokath's Messenger. It is a bird who's eyes have a shocking resemblence to the Myrddin Falcons eyes. Couple more details could be included in overview- basic territory?

Appearance: The Ronce is believed to be in Tsalokath's favor (what does that mean exactly?) and proudly wears its pure black feathers which represent Tsalokath's power over shadows (Somewhere you should state that Tsalokath is a demon lord or something....Im not sure...not my field).  Both the males and  females are about equal in size only getting up to around two palmspans in length (is this from beak to tail, head to foot?).  Their beaks are about 3 nailsbreadth's long curving at the very tip on the top so that they can get a proper hold on their prey.  Their feet are almost all black but have zig zagging (is there an alternate word we could use for zig zagiging?) lines on them to represent lightning (Why?).  If you were to ever look one in the eyes you would see a pair of the most (Don't use superlatives like 'most' or 'the best'...this limits future devving)beautiful gold eyes only second to the Myrddin's.

Their wing's are what set them apart from any other bird of prey.  With their wings resembling that of a dragons many believe these birds to be unholy (Why....Dragons aren't believed to be unholy?). The feathers on their wings are so thin that while they are in flight they look to be translucent. They are also stacked upon each other so that when one looks at them they appear to be scales. At the very end of both there appears to be a spike curving inward. They are also know for their wings appearing bigger than they should making their body look disproportionate. Depending on the size of the bird their wingspan can get up to two fores and 3 palmspan's allowing them great control and stability while in the air.   
   
Special Abilities: This bird is not one of the fastest of the birds of prey but its uncanny ability to change its direction in an instant no matter how fast it is going has gotten it the nickname "Seeker" because it is able to follow it's prey no matter where it runs to.

Like the rest of the birds of prey it's eye sight is incredible being able to see several leagues away it has come to be known as one of the best hunters in all of Sarvonia.

Some more details above please....Perhaps examples?....Normally what I do is I will write witness accounts of these events in progress...which are much more interesting then just stating them...

Territory: The only known place in which these birds live for sure is the Nirmenith Mountains.  There have been reported sitings of these birds flying through towns before a severe drought or a heavy storm that turn plains into bogs or before a Great Whirlwind charges out of the see giving them their more comonly used nickname "Tsalokath's messenger". So you state they are seen before storms, but why do they only live in the Nirmenith mountains? Wouldn't it make more sense to say they live over the whole continent but are rare and found in Nirmenith more than anywhere else?   

Habitat/Behavior: The Ronce is a very territorial bird it has been almost impossible for any researchers to even get close to their nesting areas (Territoral doesn't normally implie Nesting areas...normally it is area owned by a dominate male....perhaps rephrase to 'prootective').  They use the outcroppings of the mountain as their nest. It is built out of anything that the bird can get its claws on they don't seem to be very picky about the items they use to build their nest.

They are a very violent species, attacking anything that moves for no apparent reason (thats not a very good excuse, perhaps they feel very threatened?).  However they are a very patient bird or very lazy seeing as how they can wait hours on in for their prey to show up.


Diet: It (please change the It from 'This Bird' or 'The Ronce') doesn't just eat one animal it likes to have a pick of whatever it wants.  Living in the mountains however limits it's choices but it doesn't care that much it just makes sure to try and get something different for every meal.  It likes to eat Surica, and Minch most of the time. Whenever they get a chance to they will also attack the Myrddin.

Mating: Not much is known about their mating rituals because not that many people enjoy to travel into mountains and many fear the birds.  The few that have taken the time out of their lives to study these magnificent specimens as they put it have learned quite a bit.  The females become sexually mature at the age of three.  Instead of finding a mate for the rest of their lives they force the males to prove that they are worthy every year but in some cases it has been shown that the female will always choose the same male.

In order to show their dominance over one another the males will try to scare eachother away by spreading their wings and puff out their chest so that they look larger and more intimidating than they are.  They will also bring food to the females to show that they are good hunters and can feed her for a time being.

Myth/Lore: 



Okay here are some finishing comments:

1. You sections lack alot of detail- As I reccomended for SA section, you could use witness accounts in both habitat and mating...

2. NO MYTH SECTION!!! What kind of bird named the messenger of a demon lord has no myth!!!

3. This entry is a very nice  idea...but needs some more work...Keep with it Stargaze!

Decipher
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