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Author Topic: The Avéquis Lighthorse  (Read 3326 times)
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Antoinette De Vere
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« on: 04 November 2007, 08:05:16 »

This poem was written as an account of a rare sighting of the Avéquis Lighthorse. The poet was a devout follower of the Aeoliran religion and the Goddess of light, Nakashi. But unfortunatly this man or women is unknown by name.

The Avéquis Lighthorse

The sparkle of gold,
In the highest heights;
The splendid glow,
In the sky this night.

The gallant wings,
 Of a proud knight;
The greatest wonder,
 Of this amazing sight.

The fighter for good,
Strength and right;
The fire of gold,
Silver and white.

The loyal steed,
Of a proud Lady light;
The luscious feathers,
Of the wings in flight.

The extravagant dress,
To the viewers delight;
The elegant beast,
What a magnificent sight.
« Last Edit: 07 November 2007, 16:23:49 by Antoinette De Vere » Logged
Miraran Tehuriden
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« Reply #1 on: 04 November 2007, 08:19:56 »

LightHORSE, if you'd please.. LightHOUSEs are those things you use to keep ships from wrecking..

Art, this one ought to go in the same list as the revived Beatles
« Last Edit: 04 November 2007, 08:37:18 by Miraran Tehuriden » Logged

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Antoinette De Vere
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« Reply #2 on: 04 November 2007, 08:23:04 »

Oh gosh buck, sorry I think I was rushing a bit there, I should pay more attentsion when typing, thanks for pointing that out anyway.  :)
It is meant to be the lighthorse, which is one of the Mythical beast enteries. So anyway what do you think of it, any good, I was not sure personally wanted to make it a bit longer but I do not know what else to say.
« Last Edit: 04 November 2007, 09:05:09 by Antoinette De Vere » Logged
Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #3 on: 06 November 2007, 04:49:45 »

Indeed, the Avéquis Lighthouse would be something quite new, and something not even Nakashi would expect. On the other hand: A lighthouse dedicated to Nakashi, the Goddess of Light, would also be an interesting idea to worship her...

Ok, Antoinette, now to the poem: While the poem is an irregular one as there is no consistent rhyming scheme, it has quite a good effect the way it is written I'd say. There are no verbs used, so it appears to me that this fascination of the encounter with the horse is expressed that way rather accurately.

Personally I think that there are a bit too many "light" used here, especially when rhymes with "delight" and "flight" also add to the "light" count. Maybe here and there you could use a slightly different rhyme like "bright" or something? But in general I like tht poem - it has its impressive moments! cool
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Antoinette De Vere
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« Reply #4 on: 06 November 2007, 05:59:41 »

Hello Artimidor, thank you for the comments, I appreciate it, and I definitely agree with what you said about the light, I admit I did get a bit carried away with my "ight" words. But I am glad you like it overall, I have not write poetry in a while after all my big exams so I thought it would be good to get back into it, a new begging. Anyway I will try and replace some of those lights, thanks again. :)

So far I have only managed to exchange one light for a right, sorry in this poem I could not help but use all these "ight" words, for some strange reason.
« Last Edit: 06 November 2007, 06:13:16 by Antoinette De Vere » Logged
Antoinette De Vere
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« Reply #5 on: 07 November 2007, 16:29:31 »

Okay I am now down to only three "light", there is the "delight" which I cannot think of another word for,l but I will still try. The "flight" which seems like an essential word to me, and so does the one "light", as Nakashi is the goddess of light so I have called her "Lady light" to fit into the poem. Overall I hope that is okay now. What do you think?
« Last Edit: 07 November 2007, 16:36:05 by Antoinette De Vere » Logged
Bard Judith
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« Reply #6 on: 07 November 2007, 20:04:43 »

I'm surprised you didn't work in 'bright'... :) 


Poetry.com provides the following from its rhyming dictionary, just for your amusement:

beit, bite, blight, bright, brite, byte, cite, clyte, dwight, feit, fight, fite, flight, fright, height, heit, hiett, hight, hite, kight, kite, knight, kyte, lite, might, mite, night, nite, plight, quite, reit, right, rite, scheidt, sight, site, sleight, slight, spight, spite, sprite, streit, strite, tight, trite, twite, white, whyte, wight, wright, write, zeit

That'd be a doozy of a poem, eh?

:D
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Takór Salenár
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« Reply #7 on: 07 November 2007, 20:58:00 »

Hello, Antoinette, I use this site:

http://www.rhymezone.com/

Your otherwise nice and interesting rhythm  is a bit off  in the second and third stanza, "proud" e.g. should be replaced by a two syllable word and if L2 and L4 in stanza 3 would be as long as the ones in the first stanza it would be even better :)
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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #8 on: 08 November 2007, 04:12:25 »

Hey, am I the only person here who didn't know that such pages actually exist? I was always under the impression that a poet's work mainly lies in wracking one's brain in order to find the right rhymes - and this could take for hours... And I ask myself the question: Would Goethe, Schiller and other famous poets have used these as well or isn't it a kind of cheating? lol

But now I've learned that "light" also rhymes with interesting stuff like "preemptive right", "pillow fight" and "launching site"! That's somewhat enlightening, I admit... I miss a button at these pages however, a function where you can adjust the poetic flavour of the rhyme, ranging from "highly sophisticated words" to "classical stuff" right until "cheesy". Oh, and my absolute favourite would be an automatic poem generator! cool Need a love poem? No problem - just specify how many lines and amount of grease you need, et voilá! evil

But back to the poem: Looks definitely better with these changed rhymes - there are still some double uses of other rhymes, which maybe cost a bit of effect (e.g. you use "sight" twice or "gold") - but maybe these mentioned rhyme-finding pages can help you out here and there, Antoinette! :D
« Last Edit: 08 November 2007, 04:14:48 by Artimidor Federkiel » Logged



"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Antoinette De Vere
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« Reply #9 on: 08 November 2007, 05:34:00 »

Oh gosh I love those sites, never heard such a thing existed, but it is interesting, thanks. I will definitely be having a good look at them for some words, though at the moment I am at failure to see how "property right or harvest mite" will fit into this particular poem.  rolleyes
And thanks again for the comments. grin
But at the moment, I had better get on with my essay. buck
« Last Edit: 08 November 2007, 05:36:52 by Antoinette De Vere » Logged
Bard Judith
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« Reply #10 on: 09 November 2007, 07:24:47 »

(giggles @ Art and Toinette)

Sites such as these are, like most tools, used sparingly by competent craftsmen (craftswomen) and abused shockingly by the hacks and incompetents who litter the foot of the mountain... as I hope my abominable ode to the poor moon illustrates!

As both Sage Federkiel and Miss de Vere point out so delightfully, a sense for appropriateness, context, and connotation cannot be added to a list and copied.  Nor can the other poetic concepts, as Takor demonstrates: a feel for rhythm, meter, pacing, and the deployment of such additional tools as scansion, alliteration, and metaphor.

That said, those new to the site are requested to judge of Judith's bardic skills by some other standard than the doggerel above!
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"Give me a land of boughs in leaf /  a land of trees that stand; / where trees are fallen there is grief; /  I love no leafless land."   --A.E. Housman
 
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