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Author Topic: Serekeye, Pottery Village  (Read 7691 times)
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Grunok the Exile
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« Reply #15 on: 14 December 2007, 06:13:14 »

Hello Arceon.  I'm not a Nybelmar person at all, so I will confine myself to commenting more on the language and grammar aspects than about content.  Still, I hope it will be helpful  :)

My changes in yellow; comments, explanations and general witterings on in orange.

As of the end of my first block, which took me up to the end of the entrance:  this is very well realised, Arceon!  A very richly detailed submission so far!  Good work!


At the end of the second block - slowly does it... I will do more when I have time  :)


OVERVIEW:
This terracotta village terrracotta coloured, or actually made out of terracotta? marks the southern border of the Dragon’s Back Region, which is located in the Zhunite plains in the southwestern part of continent of Nybelmar. Famous for the pottery it produces and the vibrant colours of the women’s clothes, are the women's clothes here different from in the surrounding area?  If not, don't mention it in the overview.  If so, make sure you give a good reason for it the mud-brick houses of Serekeye welcome you like so many plump cats, stretching their backs and basking in the midday heat. The village draws most of its water from the underground stream sauntering along/across/over/under/through - sauntering is a fabulous word though! You just need a place to do it...the clay-rich earth of the surrounding area. The settlement’s proximity to the Kimb River and its more southerly air creates the perfect environment for the craft of pottery.  How does the southerly air help the pottery?  Perhaps you could clarify this.

DESCRIPTION:
As you close in on the lively village of Serekeye you (-) will remember the lines in a certain famous book written by Dearan Asaen: they truly capture the feeling of the village and its inhabitants.No need to have the reference to Z.S. in brackets, as you cite it after the quote.  In fact, not having it there assumes that everyone in Nybelmar has read it, which adds to the atmosphere.

Serekeye is already up, displaying her proud earthenware at the busy marketplace. Rows after rows of pottery are left out in the sun to dry, sometimes with the occasional sleeping sentry. Perhaps they tan in imitation of southerly ladies? Perhaps they bask to greet the flirting wind? Wrinkled woman sit
 in vibrant garments before the clay shaping wheels, bent in working meditation to mould those daily miracles. You decide to leave the town scurrying about after familiar toil humming merry Zhunite tunes as they work.


-- Dearan Asaen’s "A Zhunite Sunset, Tome 4: The Northern March", Chapter III, Dawn Over the Sleeping North; Section: Introduction: A Northern Cascade, Subdivision: The Voyage Through Dragon's Back

The Countryside
Even a stral out from / away from Serekeye you can already sense the distinctive feeling of peacefulness and harmony that is an intrinsic part of this pottery oriented (personal preference there - can be either) village. Be careful not to ruin your expensive boots in the (-) repetition “Serek mud”, as it is called amongst locals. This mud is actually the clay rich earth which made the “Clay Village”, Serekye (delete "Clay Village" if people don't call it that.  If they do, put it in the overview.) famous (-). The clay is of a specific orange colour, peeking out from under pretty high (is it pretty and high, or 'pretty high', meaning quite high?  Please clarify - use commas or change the word 'pretty') Zhunite yellow grass which gives the village "an interesting array of different pigments" - change to something more descriptive than "interesting": say 'beautiful, earthy range of colours' if that is what you mean, or strange bright clash of colours, if you mean that instead.  "Pigments" makes it sound like you are talking about the colours they can use in their pottery, not what the place looks like., especially when you take into account small, brown mud-brick shacks that dot the surrounding countryside of Serekeye. These shacks serve as mud gathering facilities, the owners of which, after gathering the ground in its natural hard state, then wet the clay and transport it to the village so that busy potters have a fresh supply of clay every morning. Is there somewhere in particular the gatherers dig, or is it just outside their huts haphazardly?  Describe how this looks, or say that it isn't seen from where you are now and describe it later.

The Main Road
As you close in on the first houses in Serekeye, riding on the only road that leads to the village from the south, you can see the shimmering river Kimb in the distance. The road is quite specific for Dragon’s Back region do you mean it only goes to this region, or that the style of road is different?  Clarify. and is made with special care. The symmetry of this brick-paved road shows the skilfulness of the village’s masters of clay.  Although the bricks cover only the last several dashes towards the village, it is still impressive to see the mastery which has made this little pottery village famous.

The Entrance
The southern entrance to the Clay Village deleted " ". When you use quote marks to show an unusual use of a word, you should use it only the first time, then not again with that word / phrase.  is marked by simple wooden gates, which is odd due to the fact that the round-shaped village has not been surrounded by walls of any kind since the Zhunite Upspring; the gates remain only as a memory of that time. The guard house which stands by the gate is completely made out of strong wood and its colour matches the clay which is found on the outskirts of the village.  This is unusual for Serekeye, as wood is used here only for purposes for which you cannot use brick. I found it unclear as to whether or not the guard house is made of wood or brick!  The use of the phrase "rare sight" doesn't quite work here - it sounds like it appears and disappears!  If my translation of what you wrote is right, you will need to explain why the guard house couldn't have been made out of brick, if, as you say, things are only made out of wood it they can't be made out of brick. 

The Main Street
The main street, with mud-brick, one story houses(-) on both sides, leads directly to the main square, the famous earthenware market. This street and the market are the only areas in the village which are paved with bricks; the paving gives the feeling that you are not in a small potter’s community, but (-) in one of a large city’s squares. The main street is also the place where all of the pottery takes place. In small courtyards, marked and connected with the houses by a mud-brick wall, women wearing vibrant and colourful dresses sit before (-) clay shaping wheels, concentrated on their work, not allowing anything to distract their attention from their masterpieces.  Some say that this (-) dedication to their work is what gives birth to amazing pottery masterpieces of Serekeye. In these small courtyards, most often just in the corner, next to the wall of the house itself, the brick ovens take their place. These ovens are used for clay baking and their proximity to the walls of the house make them ideal for heating the house in the rare Zhunite winters they don't have winter once a year?  shocked. There is a downfall to that too: there are many more hot days in this(-) southern(-) part of the region than there are cold ones, so in the room attached to the oven (most often it is the common room) is unbearable to be in on (-) such a hot day. This is the reason that you can find so many people out of their homes, working and relaxing, during the day time, which makes the village with pretty tight streets (the courtyards take almost the whole area of the streets) seem overcrowded.

The Market Square and the Crossroads
As you move forward down the main street, you reach the most vivid vividly coloured, or vivid as in striking? part of the village, the earthenware market of Serekeye. Three rows of stands cover the medium sized square of the village. Simple wooden stands on which the new formed pottery stands, repetition of 'stands' drying in the hot southern sun. The different colours in which you can find this pottery makes this part of the village the most colourful and it is the part which made the village of Serekeye (-) famous around the Zhunite plains.

From the south of the market, the main street of the village leads toward the gates. From the north, the main square is bordered by the stunning building of the village’s council. The courtyard of this magnificent structure is encased, as most of the courtyards in the village, by mud-bricks. The only difference between normal peasant’s brick fences and the one of the Village Council building keep your use of capitals consistent is in its design. This fence is decorated by clay statues of dragons and other beasts from jungles of Shar (the sign of villagers’ respect for their Krean roots), while on the iron gates (-) the great serpent takes its place, representing the village’s connection with the great river Kimb. The Council House in that courtyard is of a bright orange colour, also decorated by different creatures from the jungles, and is the highest building in the village, reaching thirteen peds in height with two floors and a roof with a sundial on it. To the west a simple road leads to the exit from the village, from where (or 'whence' if you are feeling particularly proper) you can reach the banks of the river Kimb. A small dock is set up (-) there, featuring a simple dock-house and a pier. A 4 ped(-) long boat is (-) often seen there; this boat is used to transport the pottery quickly to fill the orders of the rich elite of Evansos and Kimbar. The east road, leading from the main square, heads towards the north exit of the village.  It casually encircles the Council House and runs directly to the folkloric village of Ktsarmashik.  This part of the village is marked by heavy air and high temperatures as this is the centre of the brick making industry in the whole Dragon’s Back. The houses in the north part are small and tidy, often with broad chimneys and open windows to vent smoke and heat from the brick ovens.

The Well
In the very centre of the market stands another interesting building. The (name of building here) is built around the Serekeye well and is used for purifying the water from the underground stream which supplies the whole village with fresh water. The water from that stream needs to be purified because of the clay-rich earth which pollutes the drinking water. The complicated process of cleaning the water is quite unique, even for this part of Nybelmar.  It would be good if you could outline the process here - otherwise you might just be able to say that it is clean enough, and not have the building.  The advantage with underground streams, as I understand it, is that they generally are pretty clean.  If the water is contaminated with 'clean' (not poisonous) dirt, the easiest way to purify it is actually pretty simple - let the water stand in a bucket until the worst of the dirt settles to the bottom, then scoop the fresh water out from the top with a ladle.
 

LOCATION:

This peaceful, colourful village is located in the Dragon’s Back Region, in the southwest of the continent called Nybelmar.  The proximity of the vast river Kimb presents a good connection with the southern parts of the Zhunite plains, specifically the town of Evansos and the much more distant city of Kimbar. In approximately a day of casual riding north, you can reach the folkloric village of Ktsarmashik and after that the secretive mining station of Katkara. A bit to the northwest of Serekeye, just before you reach the Forefingers of the Earth, you can find the proudly standing capital of Dragon’s Back Region, the Dragon City of Karakan.

PEOPLE:
The Zhunite men who inhabit the Dragon’s Back region, are typical of Northen Zhunites.  They honour the traditions of their Krean and Krathrian heritage while sometimes adding their own flavours to it; the villagers of Serekeye are no exception. Talkative and optimistic, the people of this village can be described simply as folkloric (folkloric?  You mean like dragons - unproved, fantastical, imaginary? Or do you mean traditional?  If so, better to change other references in this submission to traditional as well) but also quite stubborn and determined, which probably comes from working with earth ooh, nice magic reference! lol. As the village of Serekeye was made famous for its pottery and terracotta industry it is mainly populated by potters and brick makers with occasional cloth maker and a smith. Better to just say that there are enough people who do other occupations to keep the town functioning - you don't want to become too specific when writing for the Compendium, as once it is published it would be handed down for generations - not very updatable! lol The travellers that often come to this terracotta village are also an important ingredient to the colour(-) of the village. They come to collect, bargain for? the orders for pottery and bricks they get from the rich land owners, primarily(-) in southern Zhun. Any merchants who come without orders to buy and then on-sell?  Do the Serekye people go to the cities as merchants to sell to ordinary people?


COAT OF ARMS:
The dragon is traditionally used in the insignias of this region, and Serekeye honours its connection with the other settlements in the Dragon’s Back by keeping the symbol of the dragon in its arms. I changed this sentence around because I found it quite wordy and confusing.

On the banner, which stands in front of the Council House greeting the light breeze, you can find a scarlet dragon on a golden background balancing a gorgeous gorgeous is pretty subjective, as descriptors go.  Maybe you can put something in here about why it is 'gorgeous', so that it gives a better mental image to the reader. pottery-coloured? amphora on his head.


CLIMATE:
As in the rest of the northern Zhun, Serekeye’s summers are quite often dry.  This gives the clay gatherers in the outskirts of the village a lot of work to do, properly wetting the clay before distributing it to the village’s potters. Can this happen?  I thought once it was dry it was unusable.  You may want to check your facts on the internet, if you haven't already :) The winters bring a lot of rain to Serekeye which, in it's turn, brings new troubles for potters and brick-bakers.  Frequent winter floods are possibly the worst (-) enemy of this peaceful village.  The water, however, wets the clay and makes it better for shaping.  This enables the villagers to make and sell more products, allowing them to repair the damages caused by the flood.


FLORA:
The fairly high better to change this to a rough measurement, as this gives a better image.  Calf-high, knee-high, waist high? yellow grass dominates the landscape with olive groves here and there. Thick bushes cover patches of land here and there, undergrowth needs to grow under something, usually large trees in a forest. consisting most notably of redberries. The most common flowers are daisies which are spread all around Serekeye and are also used in decorating houses and rare gardens. Wheat and other grain crops are usually cultivated to the northeast of the village as there is the most fertile land in this area.


FAUNA:
Butterflies are the most memorable I haven't seen anything too impressive about butterflies - but they are certainly striking, pretty, memorable, and eye-catching... maybe one of those words would be better part of the fauna in the region around the village of Serekeye. The cloth-makers in the village often catch butterflies of all sorts to make interesting and vivid brooches for southerly ladies. Eew, really? Haha! Other varieties of insects are also found here, like intriguing myrmex, seean beetles and some less helpful insects. These insects, along with the frequent floods have made the cultivation of crops around Serekeye impossible.


RESOURCES:
The most notable resource (-) the village of Serekeye has is, of course, the clay rich earth from which the villagers earn most of their income. The few cattle the villagers have provide the dairy products this is quite a modern term - could you say what they make out of the milk?  Do they use the milk, the cream, what kind of cheeses do they make? and meat, while most crops and other useful plants are imported from other towns and villages throughout the Dragon’s Back.


TRADE:
Serekeye has a monopoly of trade in mud bricks and pottery products in the Dragon’s Back region; this has made it a very busy village, possibly one of the busiest settlements in all of Zhun. The bricks are exported in all directions and are often used for building in other settlements, due to the lack of wood in the Zhunite plains, while the village’s imports most often consist food products and draught animals. The brick industry had more significance during the colonisation changed 'z' to 's', because you seem to be using the English spellings in most other areas of Zhun because the Krean government wanted to build new colonies faster than the Evaquis.  The discovery of Serekeye’s valuable clay (-) made this possible (-).

The Serekeye pottery is much more famous in larger cities like Karakan or Kimbar and even Marmarra.  The most valuable pottery pieces can be found even in far lands like the Santerran kingdom. One can recognise the worth of vases, decorations and other art(-) made of clay in Serekeye when (-) one sees the collections of these pieces in the courts of famous lords and ladies, even in the United Kingdom of Santharia. The profit (-) rarely goes directly to the village’s treasury, however: (-) traders (-) buy the pottery in Serekeye, (-) transport it to the far away lands and sell it for a much larger price than that they paid to the villagers of Serekye.


MYTH/LORE:
The villagers of Serekeye have a deep hatred of Marmarrans and there is a famous story to that. It is told that not so long a go, a Marmarran noble, a possible member one of the four Kogian families, entered the village to order a special shipment of amphorae. When they were all made it is said that they were of a pretty blue colour with an image of a snake on them. Once they were all set in front of the Maramarran noble, he ordered his men to “release the snakes” from his wagon. A dozen (-) Lisdra snakes rushed out of the nobleman’s wagon and entered the amphorae which were made for them. The terrified villagers hid in their houses not willing to get out of them for a week. It is still said that the local potters have to take an oath not to fill any orders which come from Marmarrans.

Another story tells about the origin of the name of the village, although the story is probably not true. It is said that in the Evaquis tongue, 'serek' meant enemy. So in the translation, the name of the village would mean Eye of the Enemy.  This would only seem to make sense if the Krean gave the village its name.
 

HISTORY:
History is usually written in the present tense, oddly enough :)
3476.b.S.-The Founding of Serekeye
Being one of the latest founded colonies in Zhun, Serekeye is nothing more than a little guard post where the Evaquis (-) watch over Krean and Krathrian activity in the region.

3180.b.S.-The Invasion
The village is discovered and considered a threat to the defensive politics of the Krean government during the Krean-Evaquis conflict. The attack that led to the downfall of Evaquis efforts in Zhun was a success and the village of Serekeye is now under Krean military control. The (-) information that during the battle, one of the Evaquis' noted generals was hiding in the village and killed in the heat of conflict(-) marks a great loss for the Evaquis in this battle.

3053.b.S.-The Discovered Clay
As the military have left the village it is no longer supplied by the Twin Kingdom(s?)This left the new Krean settlers needing to find a new way of income. During the years they spend in Serekeye, they (-) notice that the earth here acts differently than the one from their homeland. They begin to use their new discovery to aid them in keeping the colony alive.

2658.b.S.-The Poisoning
The underground creek that the villagers found and used for several weeks has become suspicious when half of the village that drank from that creek got sick and died. It was concluded that this creek was somewhat sabotaged and the villagers pursued and executed many men which supposedly had something to do with the poisoning. It was discovered later that the creek was actually full of clay which acted bad and even lethal for one’s health. You will probably want to review this whole paragraph.  You could first decide what it is which is poisoning them, if you still decide to have it, and then research how it is filtered.  Don't just stop by saying "they can filter it" - figure out how.  This leads to many more interesting insights into their way of life.  If you decide to have it, you should put the people who spend their time purifying the water in under "occupations".  If you decide to have it too, you should probably write a bit more fully about what happened, making it sound more like the tragedy it was, rather than just dryly reciting the facts like this.

1649.b.S.-The Breaking
Although all other settlements in Zhun had troubles with the disappearance of the Zhunite woods (which were essential for building), Serekeye simply used its mud-bricks to build and repair all sorts of things. The Cataclysm was the most prosperous time of Serekeye because once the leaders of these other settlements understood the value of bricks in these though times, Serekeye brick-bakers had thousands of offers coming from each side of the Zhunite plains.
What about all the people that died during this year?  With no sunlight the crops die, so no food and few animals - everything dies.  Perhaps you should say that it was a good decade for them after the Year of Darkness.


Well, a nicely realised little town Arceon.  You could probably add in some more about the people's lifestyle outside of work, though - do they worship any gods?  Have any celebrations?  Is there a tavern they go to, fields or a green for children to play upon?  What do they play?  Do young lovers hide behind the redberry bushes, do old men sit talking under the olive trees, or in the square?  What do they talk about?  These sorts of things will make what is already a good entry come alive!

« Last Edit: 19 December 2007, 12:47:24 by Grunok the Exile » Logged

Arceon Barrurbeleth
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« Reply #16 on: 15 December 2007, 07:09:58 »

Thank you for your time Grunok, your comments seem in place so I'll implement them during the weekend!

P.S.! Actually, I took out the whole overview from the "Dragon's Back Region" entry which was made by Coren, so "sauntering" isn't my word, so to speak.
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Grunok the Exile
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« Reply #17 on: 17 December 2007, 07:40:15 »

Haha, funny ^^ 

I will try to add some more to this check today ('today' runs for another seven or so hours, here), but I have a bit on today so no guarantees...  Making soup in bulk is an onerous task...  ^^
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Arceon Barrurbeleth
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« Reply #18 on: 18 December 2007, 06:17:59 »

Take your time Grunok, I'm a bit overburdened with schoolwork at the moment so I can do little about this during this week. And, by the way, what do "(-)" signs mean huh
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Coren FrozenZephyr
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« Reply #19 on: 18 December 2007, 06:23:09 »

PS: The Evalaris don't have rajas. They are matriarchal society and a Queendom. "Raja" is a term reserved for the local leaders of the Viaquis
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Coren FrozenZephyr
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« Reply #20 on: 18 December 2007, 06:27:45 »

Actually the original was:

"This terracotta village marks the southern border of the region. Famous for the pottery it produces and the vibrant colours of the women’s clothes, the mud-brick houses of Serekeye welcome you like so many plump cats, stretching their backs and basking in the midday heat. The village draws most of its water from the underground stream sauntering the clay-rich earth of the surrounding area. The settlement’s proximity to the Kimb River and its more southerly air supplement the efforts of the local potters"

And Grunok just spotted the missing word in the sentence. The sentence should have read "sauntering through the clay-rich earth"- sorry! If only I paid as much attention to detail in my entries as I do for my coursework...
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« Reply #21 on: 18 December 2007, 06:38:12 »

*cough* Greater Hummer *cough*
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Avrah Kehabhra

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Grunok the Exile
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« Reply #22 on: 18 December 2007, 07:51:03 »

(-) just means I removed something.  It is useful if you use a style of incorporating comments where you go through and change your copy, rather than just copy and pasting my version of your work in.  :)
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« Reply #23 on: 19 December 2007, 12:48:41 »

Okay, all done Arceon!  See what you make of my comments.  Good entry!   :D
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Arceon Barrurbeleth
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« Reply #24 on: 20 December 2007, 05:01:46 »

Thanks Grunok! I will certainly try to implement these by the end of the week!
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« Reply #25 on: 04 January 2008, 03:21:22 »

Changed a bunch of things suggested by Grunok! Corrections and additions in orange!!!

Sorry for taking so long but these corrections took more time than I expected.
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« Reply #26 on: 09 January 2008, 03:26:59 »

Okay Arceon, this is quite easy to read now.  Given we have comments from your Nybelmarian Overlords lol and from Art, I guess we can put up the blue arrow!  Well done, Arce!   thumbup

EDIT:  I must admit though - I have done a sneaky and changed the word 'depended' in the first sentence of the overview to 'dependent' - I think that is what you mean  :)  Let me know if it's not and we will figure out the right word together!
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« Reply #27 on: 09 January 2008, 04:29:35 »

Yes, that's what I meant. Thank you for your time Grunok!
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