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Author Topic: Ode to Foiros (Elven View)  (Read 4846 times)
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Twen Araerwen
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« on: 15 November 2007, 10:31:05 »

As I have promised Talia a writeup of an elven knight group based under the god Foiros, I've decided a hymnal/recital in honor of him would be a nice start. This is a reminder that my promise still stands to you Talia, should your clerical entry come to light. heart

As elves are firm believers in the Goddess Ava, Foiros is a pathway into her eternal dream. A guiding light per'se for all those that have gone astray. I have tried to express this fundamental belief in this writing, hopefully one day it becomes a part of a greater entry.

Introduction: Although wars have passed into the sands of time, the elves are not so short sighted. They comprehend that an eternal struggle always lingers beyond the realm of man, the conflict between Cor the Shadow and Av the High Goddess. With the coming of the twelve lesser Gods the elves grasped that these are indeed aspects of the High Goddess and worship them accordingly. A group of knights formed many centuries ago about the God of Light, Foiros. These knights are unique in their perspective that Av is the true creator, yet they preach the word of Foiros to bring the other races that have gone astray back into the Dream. The following hymnal is sung to the rising and setting of Injera each day. In addition it is recited when they find someone they believe to be prepared to accept Av back into their lives.

Foiros's Fiery Guidance
"See the shimmering light
The fire within
Guides thee on the path of righteousness
For all of us waiting
Ava's dream doth come

Flames of Foiros shining
Rays of magic fall
On the urmarillion voice that speaks within
For all of us waiting
Ava's dream doth come

Feel Foiros's eternal warmth
The fire within
Pure it burns a flame that drives all to win
For all of us waiting
Ava's dream doth come

Words of power resound
Calling to us all
Holding us together while other spirits fall
For all of us waiting
Ava's dream hath come

Another darkness hath waned
The truthful are waiting
Remain and receive the guidance of Foiros
For all of us waiting
Ava's dream hath come"
« Last Edit: 07 March 2008, 06:05:13 by Twn Arerwn » Logged

Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin
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« Reply #1 on: 17 November 2007, 11:20:33 »

I liked it there... and I like it here, Twen. grin
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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #2 on: 17 November 2007, 17:14:29 »

A note on the Styrsh you've got there on top here first, Twen:

~Sincerely~
Co f cr'tuuln:Twen Araerwen

This should actually be:
Co cr'tuulens: Twen Araerwen

As this is a genitive form ("child of death"). If you're used to English and translate it directly it often happens that you forget about the right declination, so yeah, that's why I'm here to help you out to get it right ;)

On the poem:

Due to the structure, as there are no consistent rhymes, and the repetitions at the end of each verse, the poem looks to me more like a kind of prayer one could recite to or with a congregation. - You still should add a few lines in front explaining the poem a bit as is common in Dev entries in a short introduction, maybe you can add something in that poem direction?

In the poem itself I would recommend to try to keep the lengths of the various lines somewhat consistent. For example the line "On the urmarillion voice that speaks within us" in the second verse is way longer than in the first one. So even if this is a somewhat irregular and free form poem, maintaining a rough structure throughout all verses should be attempted. You could for example split that long line to:

On the urmarillion voice
that speaks within us

And do so in the following verses as well. If you look at the first verse then you see that you've actually done that there, so the structure is there already, just implicitly. Only the last verse in general is a bit shorter then, even if you split that last but one line. But this could be intentional, as it ends the poem wioth greater effect :)

The poem's content is fine in general I'd say from my perspective :D
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Irid alMenie
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« Reply #3 on: 18 November 2007, 00:54:28 »

I believe that in the original post, this was indeed intended more as a prayer than as a poem, if I'm not mistaken :)
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Twen Araerwen
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« Reply #4 on: 18 November 2007, 03:55:28 »

Thank you very much for the Styrsh help Arti.! My absence from this area has left my elven skills a bit .... rusty.  :)

Indeed it was intended as a prayer, but having a proper structure I believe would be a necessity. It was done like a hymnal in the post, so to keep the tempo in song, I think would require structure?

I have not gotten to the edits as of yet Arti., but I shall today. Thank you both for the comments hug.
« Last Edit: 18 November 2007, 03:59:37 by Twn Arerwn » Logged

Twen Araerwen
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« Reply #5 on: 03 March 2008, 15:14:20 »

*Bump as edits were made* Hopefully my edits have addressed some of the concerns with the structure here. Open for comments from anyone that enjoys my ramblings.  :)
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Grunok the Exile
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« Reply #6 on: 03 March 2008, 15:21:09 »

Looks good, Twen!  The only thing I noticed was that it probably should be 'doth', rather than 'dost'.  But bellring Alysse - she's the one who knows about that sort of thing.
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Alysse the Likely
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« Reply #7 on: 04 March 2008, 05:32:08 »

Yes, I would say that "doth" is correct in this instance, rather than "dost".

Lovely poem, Twen!  It flows nicely and the imagery and language is delightful.  Should be ready for blarrowing, unless anyone else wants to comment.  I see you have integrated the previous postings comments, so it doesn't look like there's much more to be done.  But since you "promised Talia a writeup of an elven knight group based under the god Foiros", perhaps she should look at it?  I'd give her a quick bell-ring, since I haven't actually seen her on the boards much lately, she's probably busy with RL.

Alysse
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Alysse the Likely
Twen Araerwen
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« Reply #8 on: 04 March 2008, 05:42:44 »

Edited as requested! Thank you both very much for the comments. I researched both words when I wrote this actually, but with 15+ definitions for each it was a tossup .... guess I picked wrong. :)

Alysse, I will bell-ring Talia. Although what has and has not been determined in regards to this knighthood was discussed extensively amongst the two of us. Still a good bit of time has passed since these discussions, so I shall make sure things are on par with where she is at.  heart

Edit: Talia's bell-ringing thread states she is not open for comments.  undecided
« Last Edit: 04 March 2008, 05:47:55 by Twn Arerwn » Logged

Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #9 on: 04 March 2008, 05:48:09 »

Yeah, the poem looks all fine to me, so no problem from my side with blarrowing it. Only thing still missing is a short intro as we always have it all Library additions. :)

Oh, and just keep bothering us, Twen, if a work seems forgotten. In the flood of entries it happens way to easy that some things drown in the Forum depths. So just stick around abd be persistent ;)
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"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Twen Araerwen
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« Reply #10 on: 04 March 2008, 05:59:48 »

Persistent is my middle name Arti, you most of all should know I never give up. Just tiny bits of laziness overcome me at times. Presently I am just trying to find a nice balance between both sides of the boards, as I enjoy them equally as much. Writing stories and developing a world ... quite the hard duo to choose between.

I am working on an intro now and have placed the pencil icon up until I get it completed.
~Sincerely~
Co f cr'tuuln:Twen Araerwen
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Twen Araerwen
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« Reply #11 on: 04 March 2008, 06:19:50 »

Intro added.
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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #12 on: 06 March 2008, 06:12:43 »

I have a bit of a problem with calling this group you speak of "an elven knight group/order", Twen. "Knights" are pretty much a human invention, as it fits into how their society is structured, and they wear heavy armour etc. So it seems rather unlikely for me that elves can be regarded as regular knights as humans.

So we might perhaps look for a Styrsh word how these elves could be called that would be similar to a human order of knights, I'd say.
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"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Twen Araerwen
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« Reply #13 on: 06 March 2008, 07:43:19 »

My final analogy of them is going to be in a view far more ranging than an armored field warrior "stereo" type. I see healers, archers, knights, pathfinders and preachers as being integral parts of this order. If you wish for me to construct a Styrash title for them I would be more than happy to do so Arti., although some help from you in that regard would be most appreciated.
~Sincerely~
Co f cr'tuuln:Twen Araerwen

Edit: Placed the pencil Icon up until I research a proper name.
« Last Edit: 06 March 2008, 07:54:26 by Twn Arerwn » Logged

Twen Araerwen
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« Reply #14 on: 06 March 2008, 08:55:02 »

Ideas I have had for a name of this Order.
r'injh = First light creature
nhartajn = The Honourable
artajn'valanna = Honourable dreamer
artajn'r = Honourable Flame
enayiartajn = Freedom('s) oath
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