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Author Topic: Dragonstorm  (Read 1886 times)
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Degas Zummatra
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« on: 26 November 2007, 02:55:57 »

In wake of the hellish Dragonstorm, in which a massive flight of dragons wrought destruction on the northern part of Sarvonia, the peoples who bore witness to the carnage were swept up in mourning for their loss. Amongst those who wrote of the disaster was a one Varthin Aldris, then a young man, who was so stirred by what he saw it sparked a lifetime interest in poetry and the written word. This is the first piece he is known to have written.

Dragonstorm

From heights above comes fury, ire, revenge.
Sanctuary eludes the stricken.
Wherever one looks
For silence
Or safety
Only fires are found.
-------------------------------------------
Doom has risen, die is cast
Fate does wing aloft.
Man's decision, now long past
Beckons to the flame.

Winged death embraces
Rampant hate ignites
Scourging ire erases
Pleading cries invite
The darkness unending
A year of respite
Time spent on mending
In wake of the flight.
----------------------------------
Darkness rose.
And victim and victor kneeled together
Before the greatness
Of the night.

Varthin Aldris
1650 b.S.
The Year of Darkness
« Last Edit: 19 April 2008, 21:38:18 by Artimidor Federkiel » Logged
Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #1 on: 28 November 2007, 05:37:19 »

lol You seem to steer directly into poem topics that others have chosen already, eh, Degas? Well, it isn't forbidden, and everybody has a different kind of approach anyway. Ideal is also to post the poems in seperate threads so that the comments can deal specifically with a piece, otherwise it might get a bit confusing.

But anyway, let's see what we can comment here on the first piece for now:

Dragonstorm

- Ok, now I'm not a native English speaker, but for me the passage "die has cast" seems a bit strange. Maybe it works somehow under poetic license - personally I'm unsure if this can be written that way.

- Personally I'm not sure if the sentence "The price paid is light" works here that well. But maybe that's just me. I guess you mean that what is sacrificed here is the light of the sun, yet in this phrase it looks a bit ineffective as it is somewhat formulate in a negative way. More effective would be in my opinion to state the result you get, like "the price - endless night", something like that. At least it sounds more logcial to me, though I think I know how you mean it (though a change would affect the rhyme of course).

- I notice you then jump into past tense, intentionally I assume. That demonstrates a change in the poem, where suddenly we get to learn this other perspective, more in the form of a historical thing, so that it is manifested. I think that change works fine.

- Poem is also quite touching the way it is written and with its apocalyptic images fascinating. Reminds me a bit of a piece I wrote myself (in German unfortunately) as a response to a famous poem from Goethe. I remember that quite well as a literature teacher printed that one out on special paper and put it in a frame on the wall, congratualting me for the idea and realization of such a bold endeavour. :) But I digress: Once again, good work, Degas!  thumbup

- In both poems an introduction as you've done in the other poem is recommended, so that we follow the regular poem scheme when putting it on the site.
« Last Edit: 28 November 2007, 05:39:27 by Artimidor Federkiel » Logged



"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Niccoli
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« Reply #2 on: 28 November 2007, 06:20:31 »

@ Art. Via english the correct singular form of dice is Die. There is a slight inconsistency there which can be ignored (i'm not quite sure you need a 'the' or 'a' and it would ruin the tone.)
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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #3 on: 28 November 2007, 16:02:10 »

Aha - indeed I didn't know that, and that after years of communicating in English... There seem to be two singular possible forms: "die" and "dice" as well as I just found out. Makes a lot more sense that way of course...  grin
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Irid alMenie
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« Reply #4 on: 28 November 2007, 17:01:41 »

I think the problem is that the sentence in English would be 'the die is cast', instead of has. I'm not entirely sure about it though, I could be mistaken ;)
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Degas Zummatra
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« Reply #5 on: 08 April 2008, 08:17:27 »

Oh, Santharia, however I neglect you, you always draw me back.

Intro up.
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Baromosa
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« Reply #6 on: 08 April 2008, 08:21:07 »

No no, The die has cast comes from the great Julius Caesar i believe, coming from "The die has been cast", also referring to it is too late to turn back and fate will decide.

*notices it is quite old* I like it though, and good to see you back as well.
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Degas Zummatra
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« Reply #7 on: 08 April 2008, 08:27:58 »

Ah, yes, the crossing of the Rubicon.
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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #8 on: 09 April 2008, 04:54:45 »

Welcome back, Degas!

Haven't heard from you for ages, so I'm glad to see you back again, picking up where you left. Hey, together with Letitia one of your poems has also been voted as the Best Poetry contribution in 2007, see here in case you haven't seen it yet, your award is at the bottom of this page :)

I've checked this one already in detail a while ago, and having the intro now as well, I'd say this one is pretty much ready to go and we can move on to your other one!

Oh, BTW:
Shouldn't it be "Doom has risen" instead "Doom is risen"?
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"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
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