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Author Topic: A Seagull's Cry: Chapter 1 - LOCKED  (Read 9359 times)
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Bard Judith
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« Reply #15 on: 04 September 2008, 21:24:27 »

'tough' in the very first paragraph (I think) falls dissonantly upon the ear after such lucidly lilting sentences and impeccable word choice.  Please do replace that as soon as possible!

"“Dearan...” Akantha said. “But enough of this talk of blossoms and exploring the world. As you said, today I must be grateful.”

“Dearan, stop.” Akantha’s hands lost their composure. “Dearan! This isn’t funny! Will you stop please!”"


There seems to be something rather significant missing between these two lines, both attributed to Akantha.   Is it just toooooo subtle for me, or did you leave out an action of Dearan's in revision?

More as I have more time, and remember that I am going to be as critical as I can be, since this text is worth my intensity  - and I know that any efforts of mine to detect breaches will be repaid by you rising splendidly to the occasion to repair them.

  With sincere affection, and anticipation, Judith
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"Give me a land of boughs in leaf /  a land of trees that stand; / where trees are fallen there is grief; /  I love no leafless land."   --A.E. Housman
 
Coren FrozenZephyr
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« Reply #16 on: 04 September 2008, 23:32:56 »

- Re "tough": I thought the same thing! In fact I am unhappy with the whole sentence, starting from "The past days..."

Btw:
If something sounds wrong - usually either grammatically or in terms of word choice
If I am undecided between two alternative turns of phrase. In general, I cannot fix these myself so please feel free to correct them.
If I think the sentence does not flow or is otherwise unclear

- Other sentences I am not pleased with:

"... a disposition to arrange the affairs of his world accounting very little for the many turns & surprises of life, the inclination of others, or his own exhaustion: these were ..." >>> change to >>> "a disposition to arrange the affairs of his world with little thought for ..." ??

"not unlike one of those colossal Anpagan Pacifier galleys" - breaks the flow? The narrator butting in too much and thus disrupting the suspension of belief?

"exhausted anew by so much talking, so soon after his impressive assault on the stairs, before it was fully restored" - the meaning is there (both sub-clauses are necessary), but something does not ring true. I am nitpicking but maybe the comma between "talking" and "so soon" should be removed. Oh God! If I have an editor one day, I get the feeling he/she is going to hate me :P

"Abruptly, Mr Terensis broke out fiercely," - umm, lukewarm about the sound

(Dearan's tirade) "... I also object that we Krean, who produce the most, who trade the most, and therefore give the most encouragement to the industry of the Empire’s other nations, should have to face such extravagant levies and consider it unjust that Krean traders should be taxed less advantageously. And I shall ..."


- Re the missing line: You caught me!  guilty I did not want the "camera" to switch back to Dearan and thereby interrupt the flow; I wanted the reader to infer that Dearan started laughing from the change in Akantha's demeanor/"This is not funny" line. But yes, there was a crucial line of exposition in between that seems to have evaporated in revision! 

- And, please do! I am honoured that you found the text worthy enough to invest so much time critiquing when you must have a million other things to do!

Judith, I appreciate this very much. Thank you :) 
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Coren FrozenZephyr
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« Reply #17 on: 27 October 2008, 22:30:36 »

Final edits will be made this week. Then we can FINALLY get rid of those horrible chapters on the site...

« Last Edit: 20 June 2009, 04:44:39 by Coren FrozenZephyr » Logged

"Everything should be as simple as possible and not simpler." Albert Einstein

"Is he allowed to do that?"
"I think that comes under the rule of Quia Ego Sic Dico."
"Yes, what does that mean?"
"'Because I say so', I think."
"That doesn't sound like much of a rule!"
"Actually, it's the only one he needs." (Making Money by Terry Pratchett)
Coren FrozenZephyr
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« Reply #18 on: 20 June 2009, 04:47:18 »

Locked. Moved here. :)
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"Everything should be as simple as possible and not simpler." Albert Einstein

"Is he allowed to do that?"
"I think that comes under the rule of Quia Ego Sic Dico."
"Yes, what does that mean?"
"'Because I say so', I think."
"That doesn't sound like much of a rule!"
"Actually, it's the only one he needs." (Making Money by Terry Pratchett)
Coren FrozenZephyr
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« Reply #19 on: 20 June 2009, 04:47:58 »

Umm.. it seems I cannot lock the topic. Could you guys at least pretend that it is?
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"Everything should be as simple as possible and not simpler." Albert Einstein

"Is he allowed to do that?"
"I think that comes under the rule of Quia Ego Sic Dico."
"Yes, what does that mean?"
"'Because I say so', I think."
"That doesn't sound like much of a rule!"
"Actually, it's the only one he needs." (Making Money by Terry Pratchett)
Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #20 on: 20 June 2009, 14:49:08 »

Ok, it's now locked.
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