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Author Topic: A Marmarran Elegy  (Read 1979 times)
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Decipher Ziron
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« on: 02 September 2008, 23:30:27 »

Macar's song 'Strange-land' inspired me to write something like this.




A Marmarran Elegy

The poem disclosed is dedicated to the Memory of Vivyne Salame, a Marmarran of considerable affluence who was famed in the City for her fun-loving (often excessive) lifestyle as well as her consistent promiscuity in her younger years (before becoming a committed spouse). Araid Salame, Vivyne's brother read this public elegy outside of her funeral. Though her funeral was held within her family crypt, which he himself did attend, this address was made to her adoring public who would sorely miss her presence. Vivyne herself comitted suicide after discovering of her husband's multiple adulterous affairs. Once news of his pursuits became public, he was scorned by a majority of the City for depriving Marmarra of such a divine woman

To Vivyne's sad family,
Who loved her first and best,
To those who broke their bread with her,
And watched each early quest,

To every long-time friend of hers,
To those who held her dear,
For those who kept her smiling,
And those who drew her near,

To each of my sweet sister’s fans,
Admirers,  devotees,
Who brought her into status,
Or grovelled at her knees,

To all my sister’s lovers,
Who clutched her in the night,
To all of those who held her close,
Suppliers of delight....

Vivyne was our diamant,
Our perfect, shining pearl,
Her ever-present smile,
Encompassing our world;

The sun of her bright eyes has set,
Her laugh no longer here,
But none of these suggest that we
Forget what we held dear.

If we remember every jest,
The joy that she would choose,
Then the spirit of my sister,
We'll truly never lose.

(Stylistic Improvements and Rewording by Bard Judith)
« Last Edit: 14 September 2008, 20:46:04 by Artimidor Federkiel » Logged

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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #1 on: 03 September 2008, 03:50:23 »

Here's the link BTW to that song Macar made.

Sounds like a very touching elegy to me, Decipher! The Strange Land piece definitely has this funeral character, this underlying sadness and melancholy, which also reflects in your words. The poem is a bit uneven concering verse meter (short and long lines), maybe this could be improved a bit. But the idea is cool and I like the tone of the poem that fits the musical piece rather well.

Also: The intro is a bit basic on introducing the character ("celebrity") - that could be a bit more precise.

He ever-present... should als be Her ever-present...
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Bard Judith
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« Reply #2 on: 03 September 2008, 07:55:38 »

I don't think we have anything like this - except the Monsonius series, and that's a bit different in style and conception.  Nice work, Deci!  And a  great way to integrate a piece of music, as well.

A few suggestions, if I may?  I'd add in another verse, starting with 'family', and then rearrange two, so that you can progress in intimacy and cover all the people who loved her... also, 'fans' is a very modern word, though I can't on the spot think of a substitute...    I've also given some ideas for improving scansion, but that's probably your decision as to how you want it to flow.  I've also rewritten two lines entirely for rhythm and rhyme reasons, but I've tried not to alter your poem into something completely different...

 Anyhow, feel free to accept or reject any of these suggestions, as you like!

To Vivyne's sad family,
Who loved her first and best,
To those who broke their bread with her,
And watched each early quest,

To every long-time friend of hers,
To those who held her dear,
For those who kept her smiling,
And those who drew her near,

To each of my sweet sister’s fans,
Admirers,  devotees,
Who brought her into status,
Or grovelled at her knees,

To all my sister’s lovers,
Who clutched her in the night,
To all of those who held her close,
Suppliers of delight....


Vivyne was our diamant,
Our perfect, shining pearl,
Her ever-present smile,
Encompassing our world;

The sun of her bright eyes has set,
Her laugh no longer here,
But none of these suggest that we
Forget what we held dear.

If we remember every jest,
The joy that she would choose,
Then the spirit of my sister,
We'll truly never lose.

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Decipher Ziron
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« Reply #3 on: 03 September 2008, 19:13:01 »

Personally I think your modifications on it greatly improve it- if it would be alright with you I would like to use your edited version as the actual mmmk?

Thanks Judy!
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Coren FrozenZephyr
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« Reply #4 on: 03 September 2008, 19:48:04 »

I like the tone! :)
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Decipher Ziron
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« Reply #5 on: 03 September 2008, 20:14:14 »

I also addressed Art's issues with the ambiguity of the introduction.
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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #6 on: 04 September 2008, 03:27:16 »

Cool... :) Now with Judy's adjustments also taken in, I guess this can safely be marked for integration!  thumbup
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Decipher Ziron
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« Reply #7 on: 04 September 2008, 03:30:00 »

Wow....Could this be the fastest entry to ever be marked for intergration so quickly?
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« Reply #8 on: 04 September 2008, 05:18:06 »

Well, I didn't get any commentary on my last poems for Irid's White Lady entry and they were included still - last update (Deci, feel free to rip them apart and post ideas ;)). I must say I was surprised by your idea and liked it muchly, like Judy. I do enjoy the improvements all in all, and though you could add an extra syllable here and there, it is now worthy of reciting.

I watched King's speech this week as it was its 45th anniversary, and if I imagine his voice with the words above... nice! thumbup
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