* 
Welcome Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?


*
gfxgfx Home Forum Help Search Login Register   gfxgfx
gfx gfx
gfx
Pages: [1] 2
Print
Author Topic: A Tarshiinite Tale: 'Otapii and the Cave'- Part 2- Commentary Please!  (Read 3888 times)
0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
Decipher Ziron
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 55
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 2.574


General Genius of Remarkable Modesty


View Profile
« on: 05 July 2009, 01:42:42 »

Otapii and the Cave- Part 2

Eyeing up the opening that had so cordially revealed itself, Otapii crept into the small, square hole, quickly identifying a basic ladder descending down a rocky chute no wider than the tunnel he'd crawled through before. Lowering himself rung, by rung, Otapii slowly yet surely left the comforting glow of his Nighttorch moths behind, venturing further and further from the security of their light. Eventually he found himself in darkness. Otapii, unable to see even a hand held infront of his face, found himself clinging to the rungs even harder than before. The cool, smooth touch somehow made him feel more secure in the darkness as they guided his descent lower and lower toward the treasure he sought below.

The ladder came to an end as Otapiiís feet once again met the hard ground of the rocky cavern. However, though no longer suspended from metal pipes at heights unbeknownst to him, Otapii was still standing in impenetrable darkness. Having run out of ingenious methods of illuminating the blankets of black, the man reverted bestially to his hands and knees, shuffling through the tunnel with deliberate care, not knowing he quite easily could have skipped and hopped through the gargantuan tunnel without hitting a single thing.

The manís eyes caught the dancing luminosity of a small clutch of Firecap Mushrooms and, for no other reason than that their mystical red glow was the only recognisable source of light, no matter how iridescent, Otapii began to approach it. Removing the largest of the Firecaps from the fungal formation, Otapii began to use the small, warm toadstool as a makeshift torch, allowing himself to quickly realise he no longer needed to crawl along the floor of the tall, rocky space.

As the treasure hunter began to notice his rocky surroundings smoothen and sharpen into subterranean ceilings and walls, it became more and more apparent the path he was following was not craft by the whimsical romance of natureís order but the calculated precision of mortal involvement. This shaft had been made, not found. Continuing to slowly descend down the depressed shaft like a raindrop sliding towards the limit of a petal, Otapiiís confidence in his own success was growing.

The muffled echo of a thunderous splash forced itself up the shaft, at and past Otapii. Whatever had happened, something of considerable size, probably nothing more than a boulder, had fallen into a body of water somewhere at the end of Otapiiís tunnel. It was, however, through the nerve-shaking disturbance that Otapii did not notice the rocky surface of the floor had begun to shape itself into steps. Upon consolidating his shock at the splash, and eventually realising the presence of a man-craft staircase beneath his feet, Otapii began to lower himself further and further into the unknown.

Despite the help of his fluorescent mushroom, Otapii was still unable to see more than a few feet from his own face. As a result, upon reaching the foot of the staircase Otapii could spot only two things. The first, the dampness of the air- the water source he heard before was probably nearby. The second, the unmistakable scent of Slowflash. Otapiiís alchemist father had forced the boy to catalogue his various powders, and the pungent scent of the bright-burning metal could never escape him.

Though it took some time, and many failed guesses, Otapii eventually managed to locate a small impression in the stone where a pile of the granulated light sat, placing the Firecap next to it so he could rustle into his pockets and retrieve a handful of tindersticks, a wondrous invention that caused a stick to ignite when lightly struck against anything hard and dry. Using the coarse skin of his own arm, the tinderstick sizzled, eventually negotiating the release of a small flame at its tip, Otapii quickly thrust this into the pile of Slowflash with spectacular results.

As the ignited Slowflash began to fizzle into an orb of intense brightness, the illusion of hundreds of others varying distances from Otapii did the exact same thing, as though various other piles of Slowflash were mimicking the action of the one next to Otapii. It was as the hundreds of eye-burning lights revealed themselves that Otapii realised what lay next to the Slowflash he had so recently lit- a mirror, reflecting the intense light onto another and onto another until the entire room, which took the shape of a perfect dome around tenfold larger than the stone space that housed the Needle of the Maw. Whoever had built this place, it would seem had intended for it to be found.

The space, now revealed to Otapii with such brightness a star might as well have been stuck in the centre, was gigantic both in proportion and tone. Directly in front of Otapii lay a stone walkway that bridged the gap between the arch that Otapii was standing under and an arch around fifty peds in the distance. The walkway itself, however was overshadowed by the expansive pool of water that dominated the rest of the space, the dark black water glimmering with an ominous beauty. Perhaps most disconcertingly about the water, however, was not its colour, but its movement. Rough, choppy ripples gravitated towards the left of the space, suggesting, to Otapiiís keen eye, that something had not fallen in, but was moving inside.

ĎBack to business.í

Otapii wrestled his interest from the shape of the ripples to what lay before him. Walking down the narrow, stone bridge with considerable pace Otapii quickly found himself at the previously distant archway, only to see that what lay on the other side was identical to what he had seen before, the complex of mirrors lighting too this dome that was roughly, if not exactly the same as the other. The only noticeable difference was the inalienable stillness of the water in this instance, which even then only grasped the attention of the ever-observant paddler for a few blinks.

Walking towards the opposite archway through another bridge, Otapii began to spot a pattern developing, which the opposite archway leading him to another, huge, well-lit dome with another grey stone bridge divided a huge circle of black water. The pattern continued for another five walkways, walking through identical rooms, almost convincing Otapii that he was walking in circles.

At the emergence of the seventh dome, however, a new turn had taken. In this instance, the bridge before Otapii did not lead to the other side of the dome, but took him directly into the middle of the water. Upon reaching the centre of the circular water surface there lay a small, glass tunnel inclined at a straight yet gentle diagonal. Stepping into the slippery, transparent neck Otapii slowly sank further and further below the surface, deeper and deeper into the comfortless, black water.

The glimmer of Otapiiís prize was the first thing he saw. Deep towards the end of the glass shaft laid an equally cold and transparent sphere, completely submerged underwater. Venturing into the stomach of the glass structure, the sight before him literally brought tears to his eyes. The large glass globe, equivalent to the size of a goldfish bowl had Otapii been the goldfish, was filled, shin-high with an array of precious stones arranged at the bottom of the sphere like a pebbled beach. The Bounty of the Maw, it seemed, was real too.

Grasping at the sense-numbingly colourful splendour of the loose blanket of rubies, emeralds, sapphires and diamantes, Otapii failed to spot the grandest sight of them all.

Nestled atop a small hill of precious stones itself, the Fist of Chima, fabled as the largest cut crystal of the entire Tiquaitan Kingdom, or any other kingdom in Kaereth or the Western Bay for that matter, sparkled delicately with a glimmer somehow superseding that of the various jewels around it, almost nullifying and dulling their beauty. Supposedly modelled on the fist of King Sarasalias himself, the diamante, around as big as a small turtle, was itself encrusted with smaller gems that only magnified the immensity of the base stone.

ĎThis could easily be the most valuable thing those Silver-eyed enigmas ever crafted. I could buy all the lakes in Kimka with this!í

As Otapii leapt, imparting a loving embracing onto the huge nugget of wealth that he had so readily sought, the water enveloping the sphere began to move with unexplainable ferocity, accompanied by a rumbling caused by much more than a splashing rock. As Otapii searched frantically through the transparent glass to see what had caused the pervasive noise a huge, yellow oval revealed itself from the black water and pressed itself against the glass.

Otapii, overcome either by inconceivable curiosity or a possessed by a emotion of much greater stupidity, ventured slowly towards to glass to inspect the oval, probably as tall and as wide as he was. Tapping the glass that the oval was behind caused two grey shields to envelope its entirety before releasing and returning the prominence of the great ellipse to full view again. Though it took a few seconds to register in Otapiiís head what he looked before, it was clear the grey appendages were not shields, but lids.

What stood before him was something monstrous. Something terrible.

It was an eye.
« Last Edit: 19 July 2009, 00:40:00 by Artimidor Federkiel » Logged

Laugh ,and the World Laughs with you.

Weep, and you weep alone.
Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 144
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 2.416


The Remusian


View Profile
« Reply #1 on: 05 July 2009, 02:34:20 »

Just a quick mention.. as I will read this more in depth later.. ladder is rung.. wrung being the past tense of wring, as in in I wrung out the towels earlier :)
Logged

"Lather...Rinse...Repeat"   Why has God made my life so complicated?

This is what I'm working on
Smee
Aspiring Member
**

Gained Aura: 20
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 340



View Profile
« Reply #2 on: 06 July 2009, 17:10:57 »

Hey Deci :)

Lets have a look at this then...

Quote
Eying up the opening that had so cordially revealed itself, Otapii began to diligently venture into small, square hole, quickly identifying a ladder

On the most basic level, you are simply missing a 'the' after 'into' and before 'small'. I'm thinking about 'diligently venture' though. It seems an odd phrase to me. It's also a little odd to 'begin' to venture into a hole. Looking ahead to the next sentence, it is a rather long one. So, I suggest simplifying this first sentence, and then taking a little from the second to make the first longer and the second shorter. Like this :

"Eyeing up the opening that had so cordially revealed itself, Otapii crept into the small, square hole, quickly identifying a basic ladder descending down a rocky chute no wider than the tunnel he'd crawled through before. Lowering himself rung, by rung, Otapii slowly yet surely left the comforting glow of his Nighttorch moths behind, venturing further and further from the security of their light."

I think this evens out the size of the sentences and removes some unnecessary parts. It also removes a repetition of venture. I think you could even afford to add a few words describing the ladder - wooden, metalic? Old, new, rusted?

~

Quote
Eventually the man found himself in darkness.

I know it gets tricky trying not to repeat 'Otapii' too often, and only having 'he' as an alternative isn't great for variety. But I think trying to use 'the man' as another alternative is just confusing. I found myself wondering if there was suddenly someone else down there too. I suggest sticking to 'he'.

~

Quote
Otapii began scraping, with a hand he could barely see in front of his own face, at the rough rock wall to identify the smooth, cold wrungs that were guiding his descent lower and lower to the treasure he sought beneath.

I see what you are trying to do here - show how dark it now is. But the method doesn't quite play true to me. If I'm going down a ladder, the next rung for my hand is one my feet were on just a second ago. I don't think I would struggle to find the next rung even in pitch black. I don't think I'd be scraping at the rock to try and find it. Ladder rungs are typically evenly spaced and as you're going down you get into a rhythm, you know how far each foot goes down and the corresponding hand goes down the same amount.

Rather than using the trying to find the rungs to emphasize the darkness, perhaps use the loss of security you mentioned earlier. For example :

"Otapii, unable to see even a hand held infront of his face, found himself clinging to the rungs even harder than before. The cool, smooth touch somehow made him feel more secure in the darkness as they guided his descent lower and lower toward the treasure he sought below."

~

Quote
The length of ladder wrungs ceased as Otapiiís feet once again met the hard ground of the rocky cavern.

Aside from another use of 'wrungs' this sentence is ok, but a little awkward to read. It's not a very typical phrase to say 'the length of ladder rungs ceased', he simply "came to the end of the ladder".

~

Blankets of black - lovely phrase.

~

Quote
The manís eyes caught the dancing luminosity of a small clutch of Firecap Mushrooms

Weirdly, your use of 'the man's' here seems perfectly fine to me. Perhaps it's because we're further into the writing and it has been well established that he is on his own.

~

Quote
As the treasure hunter began to notice his rocky surroundings smoothen and sharpen into subterranean ceilings and walls, it became more and more apparent the path he was following was not craft by the whimsical romance of natureís order but the calculated precision of mortal involvement.

A lovely section again. Treasure hunter is a great alternative to 'him' 'he' etc in this case and I love the part 'whimsical romance of nature's order'. A very poetic turn of phrase.

~

Quote
a wondrous invention take caused a stick

I think you mean 'that' instead of 'take'.

~

Quote
Otapii quickly thrusting this into the pile of Slowflash with spectacular results.

'Thrusting' should just be 'thrust'

~

Quote
Upon reaching the centre of the circular water surface there lay a small, glass tunnel inclined at a perfect diagonal.

I'm not sure what you mean by 'perfect' diagonal. As far as I know, a diagonal is a line that is anything except directly horizonal or verticle. What is a perfect diagonal? 45 degrees?

~

Quote
the sight before him literally brought tears to the paddlerís eyes.

Paddler? I would just go for 'his' in this case.

~

Quote
size of a goldfish bowl

I'm at work at the moment and checking on things is difficult. Do we have Santharian goldfish and are they the same size as I would think?

~

Quote
This could easily be the most valuable thing those Silver-eyed enigmas ever craft.

I think you meant 'crafted' rather than just 'craft'.

~

Great ending - loved the 'Tapping the glass that the oval was behind caused two grey shields to envelope its entirety before releasing and returning the prominence of the great ellipse to full view again.' - such an elegant and poetic way of describing an eye closing. Very nice.

A good read, Deci - thanks.

Happy Writing :)
Logged

"The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own satanic herd!"
Decipher Ziron
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 55
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 2.574


General Genius of Remarkable Modesty


View Profile
« Reply #3 on: 07 July 2009, 01:25:55 »

Thanks Smee!

Made all the recommended edits except one:


Quote
Quote
Otapii quickly thrusting this into the pile of Slowflash with spectacular results.

'Thrusting' should just be 'thrust'

Thrusting in this instance, I'm sure, is gramatically correct, as it runs on from the last clause of the sentence.

Still a valuable critique nonetheless!

For creative and comprehensive suggestions and analysis +1 Aura

Thanks Alot,

Deci grin
Logged

Laugh ,and the World Laughs with you.

Weep, and you weep alone.
Smee
Aspiring Member
**

Gained Aura: 20
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 340



View Profile
« Reply #4 on: 07 July 2009, 03:13:15 »

I'm not sure about last clauses of sentences - but re-reading it several times, I'm fair certain it should be just 'thrust'.

"Otapii quickly thrust this into the pile of Slowflash with spectacular results."

If it were thrusting then the sentence would be different - likely involving another observer, i.e. :

"Bob saw Otapii light the Slowflash by thrusting the flame into the pile."

or

"Otapii quickly lit the Slowflash by thrusting the flame into the pile."

Logged

"The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own satanic herd!"
Decipher Ziron
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 55
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 2.574


General Genius of Remarkable Modesty


View Profile
« Reply #5 on: 07 July 2009, 03:16:19 »

If it will satisfy you, I will change it...but I stick to my guns on the point that both are acceptable!
Logged

Laugh ,and the World Laughs with you.

Weep, and you weep alone.
Smee
Aspiring Member
**

Gained Aura: 20
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 340



View Profile
« Reply #6 on: 07 July 2009, 04:40:44 »

Nah I'll leave it to you. It's your story  :)
Logged

"The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own satanic herd!"
Decipher Ziron
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 55
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 2.574


General Genius of Remarkable Modesty


View Profile
« Reply #7 on: 07 July 2009, 04:50:01 »

Already changed!
Logged

Laugh ,and the World Laughs with you.

Weep, and you weep alone.
Eldreneth Aenterien
Newbie
*

Gained Aura: 1
Offline Offline

Posts: 60


View Profile
« Reply #8 on: 09 July 2009, 04:55:36 »

This is great work Deci! I can't wait to read the next part and find out what creature the eye belongs to! I'll be waiting.

Eldreneth
Logged
Decipher Ziron
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 55
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 2.574


General Genius of Remarkable Modesty


View Profile
« Reply #9 on: 10 July 2009, 02:48:30 »

Thanks Eldreneth!

If no one else has anything to add I'd like to get this blarrowed ASAP, then I'll get on producing the concluding installment.

Deci
Logged

Laugh ,and the World Laughs with you.

Weep, and you weep alone.
Drasil Razorfang
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 47
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 2.034



View Profile
« Reply #10 on: 11 July 2009, 01:23:34 »

Quote
I know it gets tricky trying not to repeat 'Otapii' too often, and only having 'he' as an alternative isn't great for variety. But I think trying to use 'the man' as another alternative is just confusing. I found myself wondering if there was suddenly someone else down there too. I suggest sticking to 'he'.

Just a belated thought: Didn't you say in the first chapter that Otapii is a fisherman or a sailor or something?  You could use his profession as an alterate word or something with explorer + an adjective.
Logged
Decipher Ziron
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 55
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 2.574


General Genius of Remarkable Modesty


View Profile
« Reply #11 on: 11 July 2009, 02:02:27 »

Well he's a sea Kiiahker (kayaker), so he was introduced initially as just 'The Paddler'...
Logged

Laugh ,and the World Laughs with you.

Weep, and you weep alone.
Decipher Ziron
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 55
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 2.574


General Genius of Remarkable Modesty


View Profile
« Reply #12 on: 13 July 2009, 01:51:24 »

Blarrow worthy?
Logged

Laugh ,and the World Laughs with you.

Weep, and you weep alone.
Decipher Ziron
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 55
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 2.574


General Genius of Remarkable Modesty


View Profile
« Reply #13 on: 18 July 2009, 00:52:26 »

B-B-B-B-B-Bump for b-b-b-b-b-blarrow
Logged

Laugh ,and the World Laughs with you.

Weep, and you weep alone.
Artimidor Federkiel
Administrator
*****

Gained Aura: 538
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 23.091



View Profile Homepage
« Reply #14 on: 18 July 2009, 22:07:09 »

Yep, this will be included in this week's update, Deci, together with part 1!  thumbup
Logged



"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Pages: [1] 2
Print
Jump to:  

Recent
[27 March 2019, 00:01:57]

[21 June 2018, 14:28:00]

[31 May 2017, 06:35:55]

[06 May 2017, 05:27:04]

[03 April 2017, 01:15:03]

[26 March 2017, 12:48:25]

[15 March 2017, 02:23:07]

[15 March 2017, 02:20:28]

[15 March 2017, 02:17:52]

[14 March 2017, 20:23:43]

[06 February 2017, 04:53:35]

[31 January 2017, 08:45:52]

[15 December 2016, 15:50:49]

[26 November 2016, 23:16:38]

[27 October 2016, 07:42:01]

[27 September 2016, 18:51:05]

[11 September 2016, 23:17:33]

[11 September 2016, 23:15:27]

[11 September 2016, 22:58:56]

[03 September 2016, 22:22:23]
Members
Total Members: 1019
Latest: lolanixon
Stats
Total Posts: 144590
Total Topics: 11052
Online Today: 73
Online Ever: 700
(23 January 2020, 20:05:39)
Users Online
Users: 0
Guests: 41
Total: 41

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2005, Simple Machines
TinyPortal v0.9.8 © Bloc
Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!
Theme based on Cerberus with Risen adjustments by Bloc and Krelia
Modified By Artimidor for The Santharian Dream
gfx
gfxgfx gfxgfx