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Author Topic: The Gift - A Mystery Tale (Part IV, The Finale)  (Read 4527 times)
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Decipher Ziron
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« Reply #15 on: 07 September 2009, 23:30:11 »

Oooh...Spooky......
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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #16 on: 08 September 2009, 03:43:15 »

Ok, guys, and this completes this spooky tale with another 2 and a half pages in part IV, leading to the conclusion of the tale. Hope it's somewhat enjoyable, makes spine chilling sense and the suspense could be felt somewhat until the end. :) Have fun!
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"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Azhira Styralias
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« Reply #17 on: 08 September 2009, 04:06:41 »

Oh its done? I'll be reading and commenting soon, me thinks! Just promise me that "other" story soon, okay Arti?  grin
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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #18 on: 08 September 2009, 04:19:10 »

Yeah, I'm struggling on how to approach that one, as you need to keep it suspenseful throughout, which is not that easy with that one. In this one I guess I could integrate various nice OMG moments I enjoyed myself, so that's easier to write then :)
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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #19 on: 13 September 2009, 18:19:34 »

Minor changes have now been integrated like some details on character descriptions when the characters are introducted (Baron, Baroness, boy), and an additional line here and there for better pacing.

Transitions within the Part II flashback and out of Part II were also changed, so that they lead better into the succeeding part and put things straight which could have led to a misinterpretation. The PartII/III transition is more effective in the dialogue I think, so that's what I went for then.
« Last Edit: 13 September 2009, 18:23:32 by Artimidor Federkiel » Logged



"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Seeker
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« Reply #20 on: 15 September 2009, 01:50:26 »

Wow great! Suspenseful all the way to the end.   I have a few questions about the end which I will send in a PM. I did not want to post them here in fear it could ruin the experience for someone who may read this before reading the story for themselves. 

Additionally here are some minor spelling errors:

Part II-Paragraph 3- mimiced should be mimicked
Part II-Paragraph 4- warefare should be warfare
Part II-Paragraph 8- huged should be hugged
Part II “It was three months later that the house staff was awaiting their master's return from a longer abscence due to business reasons.”  Abscence should be absence.
Part III -Paragraph 4- jewellery should be jewelry
Part IV “Shaerena moved closer to the figure, she could nearly touch it. The wheeping became louder.” wheeping should be weeping
Part IV "I'm coming..." she breathed almost to herself. "I'll be with you, have no fear," she tried to consolidate him from above.  Consolidate should be console. (That one made me laugh :))
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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #21 on: 15 September 2009, 02:20:08 »

Thanks for the corrections - all your questions have been answered as well over PM, hope to your satisfaction :)
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« Reply #22 on: 15 September 2009, 03:10:28 »

Errors are fixed now as well in the post, thanks again, Seeker! Though I bet there are a couple more wrong expressions and similar stuff, as I'm writing this not as a native ;) But good to hear that everything was understandable enough and that you got some decent chills out of it :D

And as I hear the clarifications make it all as bright as day, so no content changes necessary then.  thumbup Definitely a story that requires a bit of thinking, though.
« Last Edit: 15 September 2009, 03:15:18 by Artimidor Federkiel » Logged



"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
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