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Author Topic: Wild Rose  (Read 3059 times)
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Eldor Delrossa
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« Reply #15 on: 18 August 2011, 04:42:58 »
@Seeker: I added in the detail about the leaves there fore you. It is two per flower. :) Thanks for the encouragement! Also, mentioned below is that they turn barsa dusk in the colder months.

In regards to Sprite's comment about the method of reproduction (I address my readers because she is no longer here), it is mentioned that the roots are rather long for the plant's size, giving them a considerable range to trap prey.

Edits in orange, and open for comments!

Hopefully this can get onto the site after an entire year of being untouched (sorry!).
« Last Edit: 19 August 2011, 00:24:38 by Eldor Delrossa » Logged
"The trials and tribulations of Brownies over the centuries have made them wary of humans. I am humbled to be called 'Brownie Friend'."- Eldor Delrossa
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« Reply #16 on: 22 August 2011, 21:25:34 »
Okeydokey, now that my vacations (=Santhworld work) is over, let's have a look at this one.

- First of all: Great to see you back again, Eldor! :D Good to see that you still haven't forgotten about getting this one done, even though it's been quite a while since you started it!  thumbup

- "Santhos" should be "Santhros" if you mean the Santharian king of back then ;)

- "assassins" is written with two double "ss".

- I recommend to add at least a few more details to the Overview, e.g. to specify a bit who that Delberath guy was, because you don't know anything except his name when you read the Overview (mage, researcher, experimenter?). Also "Southern Sarvonia" might be a bit general. Because the whole southern part of Southern Sarvonia e.g. is pretty much a desert. Further up it's more a moderate climate. Maybe at least give a basic indication in this regard.

- "favorite", just like e.g. "colour" should be written "favourite" as we're using a more "ancient looking" language here in "medieval" Santharia.

- "Chemicals" is also a word we shouldn't use, because we only have researchers who don't possess such a modern vocabulary. We'd say "alchemical" in such cases, but I would in general recommend to write it a bit differently, like "and the remaining poison will then be broken down by various  substances, which some have managed to extract for their alchemical experiments". If that's a bit far fetched I'd simply go with "substances". Something like that at any rate.

- See Overview: A bit more precision would be good, maybe some concrete spots - at least this one's a pretty dangerous plant, so people should know where they grow in abundance. You should avoid them, right? ;)

- "Its roots spring up from the ground and lurk ominously." (removed an apostophe there)

- Something's missing here as well: "The original plant will then die, leaving four to six more in its wake."

- Delberath: Who's he? Human, gnome (they like to experiment!)? Town, region? Kingdom? Just a rough idea where to place him is always nice :)

- Queprur - mention as well that she's the Goddess of Death. Always remember that people might have no idea about our world when they read this entry, so explaining in brief words when you mention a new name would be helpful for those!

- Nice to see you mention Monsonius here as well :) The poem is a bit uneven and irregular (see e.g. the lengths of the lines), but it's more a freely flowing piece of text, so I guess it's ok the way it is - some cool imagery there at any rate!

Thus, another aura +1 for you Eldor! I see you're determined to get this one done and this is appreciated. Just get to the mentioned things, and I'm confident we'll have this one up at the next update!  cool
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Eldor Delrossa
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« Reply #17 on: 19 September 2011, 01:37:32 »
Once again Arti, I must apologize to you. I have been without internet for the past few weeks due to a few financial problems within my family. I only just got it back yesterday. I tried to notify you on one of the school computers, but the librarians kindly informed me that I would be suspended if I attempted to visit any site that was not for educational purposes.

I believe I have integrated your comments in a satisfactory manner, so hopefully this one will get put up in the next update. Once again I apologize. My edits are in lime.

Note: I borrowed Delberath from the Chimaera entry. He seemed the perfect fit for this entry. :)
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"The trials and tribulations of Brownies over the centuries have made them wary of humans. I am humbled to be called 'Brownie Friend'."- Eldor Delrossa
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« Reply #18 on: 19 September 2011, 09:36:10 »
Clearly Santharia needs to be added to the sites that serve educational purposes... You need to have a talk with your school! ;) pet

Anyway, I see you finally made it here nevertheless, Eldor, so I'll have a look at your changes this evening, and if everything's fine this one will be included in the next update! Yay!  thumbup
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« Reply #19 on: 19 September 2011, 22:42:57 »
Okeydokey, I guess this one will do fine :)

I wasn't sure about the word "comatose", but it is Greek in origin and should do for now. In the long run we might think about a mythological explanation for such a "deep sleep", e.g. related to the Soulgryph, but this shouldn't bother you for now.

Here and there I spotted a few strange things:

Quote
"...he accidentally fused a Chasm Demon with a sacrificial Cartesian bear. The new creation attacked him, and successfully drove him insane before he was able to exterminate it."

There's the "with" missing, and "successfully driving someone insane" is probably also not the best way to put it. I guess you don't really need to have the word "successfully" there. ;)

But there's another thing in that passage which made me laugh out loud - the Carthasian bear has become the Cartesian bear in your text (see here), now what's the philosophy behind this one? Maybe "I growl therefore I am?" *hehe*

Anyway, these are just minor details. Nice entry, Eldor, glad to have it up on site! Finally marked for integration! Wooo-hooo!  thumbup
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Eldor Delrossa
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« Reply #20 on: 20 September 2011, 02:50:42 »
LOL! I love the Descartes reference Arti. Very nice. ;)

Cartesian is now Carthasian. He was unable to prove his own existence unfortunately. lol
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"The trials and tribulations of Brownies over the centuries have made them wary of humans. I am humbled to be called 'Brownie Friend'."- Eldor Delrossa
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« Reply #21 on: 20 September 2011, 22:49:44 »
Well, I guess we get a little something for our "Development Blunder" page as well that way with our bear - so good that you thought about adding something in this section as well, Eldor ;)
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"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
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