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Author Topic: Blackbeetle Paint  (Read 6532 times)
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Rayne (Alýr)
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« Reply #15 on: 01 November 2009, 05:39:08 »

Peeking into this thread again, the little elf sighs. Extracting the first paragraph:

Quote
Overview
Blackbeetle Paint, a vivid blue dye made by the Vale Brownies  and as you can see from the title made from blackbeetles. [Fragment: lacking a verb] The paint made by the Bubbler Clan and in the clan by a very few. [Fragment: lacking a verb]  Many Vale Brownie ladies as well as men adorn their clothes as well as beads with the Blackbeetle Paint.

While removing linking verbs generally improves writing, removing them without replacing them with other verbs leads to fragments, which are just as bad, if not worse!
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Valan Nonesuch
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« Reply #16 on: 01 November 2009, 05:47:54 »

I've got a quick question. Why is is tharianized as "Blackbeetle Paint" when it's a dye?

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A substance that is applied as a liquid or paste, and dries into a solid coating that protects or adds color/colour to an object or surface to which it has been applied.

Quote
A liquid containing coloring matter, for imparting a particular hue to cloth, paper, etc.

Two completely distinct things I'm afraid.
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« Reply #17 on: 02 November 2009, 22:10:57 »

Valan: Why do things have to fit into neat little categories?  The Brownies use it to dye their clothes and faces but also in a thicker almost gluey form to paint onto their beads.  I really don't see the problem in it fulfilling both functions, even if this isn't common to the real world.

Aaron:  I have some issues with this paragraph.

Quote
In 894 b.S Bubbler Clan came into being. Probably during that time the beadwork so classic to the brownies became widespread to the Vale Brownies The beads have been around since before records began, it's just they weren't the focus of an organised industry until very recently.  The industry didn't boom until after they became really popular in the city of Milkengrad (those ones were made by a different tribe of brownies), probably some time after 1449 a.S., and most likely that during that time the Blackbeetle Paint sprung from the mind of Keckee. Who is Keckee?  We have a Keekoo but he lived around 4000 b.S and was more of a philosopher and leader. :P  If you'd like to make a famous inventor then feel free, but I'd choose a name that's a bit further from Keekoo to avoid confusion.The long term trading applications that led to the Vale Brownies wealth came into being sometime in near the year 900. Most of the Vale Brownies' wealth actually comes from their fertile valley and the way they're able to work together.  They don't trade that much, at least not yet.  However, the beads painted with the blackbeetle paint are very popular and unique to the Vale Brownies.

The changes to the beginnings of the sentences are great, they keep my attention a lot better throughout the piece.  However, could you also have another look at Rayne's advice?  As she says, not having a verb in a sentence makes it really hard to read!
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« Reply #18 on: 03 November 2009, 11:00:39 »

Sorry about not being able to get on the last couple days. I had internet problems and I just got them sorted out today. I will continue working on the fragment problem and those things you pointed out Rookie and Rayne. And about the Kekkee issue whenever I'm writing something the thing that I've read last influences what I write and I just read the Kekoo entry.
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« Reply #19 on: 04 December 2009, 04:12:25 »

My internet has been down for the last month so I haven't been able to post or do any edits. I should be continuing to edit now. Thank you for your understanding.   grin
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« Reply #20 on: 04 December 2009, 04:52:06 »

Welcome back, Aaron! cool Hope your connection remains stable now!  thumbup
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« Reply #21 on: 06 December 2009, 07:55:43 »

Name
Blackbeetle Paint or Eioiei Uhll in Brownie


Overview
Blackbeetle Paint, a vivid blue dye made by the Vale Brownies  and as you can see from the title is<This should simply be removed instead of struck out.. made from blackbeetles that are processed in a variety of ways. The paint's major production ]comes from inside the Bubbler Clan and those in the clan make it very rarely.This sentence is pretty mangled at the moment. You seem to be throwing what should be two separate ideas together. Try trimming the sentence down a little.  Many Vale Brownie ladies as well as menYou couldn't simply say "people" ? Or perhaps "Brownies" ? adorn their clothes as well as beads with the Blackbeetle Paint.


Description of the Product
Blackbeetle dyethings named in the entry should always be capitalized has a deep blue hue and the dye can be used as a blue glue it's so sticky. The great popularity of the dye might be because of its colour almost as intense as Udenza pottery but with a sheen like Baveras' Eye.A color does not have a sheen itself, it is the surface it is applied to, or the gloss of the paint in this case, that gives it that quality. Blackbeetle paint has a very thick consistency  and can be  very good at dying beads and clothes. When it is put on cloth it will sink into the cloth within minutes and form and thick blue covering.  When put on most cloth it will pretty much destroy"pretty much" is a coloquialism that doesn't have a place here. Destroy implies that the dye/paint actively eliminates the previous colour, when it would merely cover it or replace it.  anyGoing on to say that it doesn't destroy all colours makes this untrue. Try to avoid using absolutes like that.former color. The primaryIs there a secondary exception? exception are very bright shades of yellow and red which will ever so slightly show through the dye.You're thinking of paint here. Dyes would likely mix I believe  Containers of blackbeetle dyeName consistency. Capitalize it, and call it paint or dye. Not both. are  so thick that the brownies need to grease spoons simply to get it out of the wooden pots they store the paint in.You're talking about the actual paint/dye here, but dye is generally not a very thick solution. You have to soak things in it after all.

Method of Production
The Blackbeetle paint made from the skinI don't believe insects have "skin" "chitin" might be a better word. between the wing and the wing case of a male black beetle seems to work the best compared to other pieces of skin. Quality blackbeetle paint is only made by skilled and proven members of the Bubbler Clan. Bits of a blackbeetle's outer hard shell are soaked in water for several days and then  cut up and ground up to what consistency. Are pieces of this still distinguishable, like gravel, or is it like flour or sand?. After that it's mixed with boneswhat kind of bones? Insects don't have them and other scrapsWouldn't this dilute the colour? and ground once again. Then the maker mixes it with a secret mixture of different liquids, after that the brownies then store it in wooden pots You wouldn't have to mix and store it right away, that's why you make the powder in the first place, it can be mixed whenever.. And a wooden pot is typically called a barrel or a cask. and place it underground for use in festivals. When it is used for makeup it requires at least two tots of water to dilute it as when it is undiluted it can cause rashes.


Areas of Production
Most containers of blackbeetle paint can only be produced  deep within the Council Tree of the Vale Brownies.So can it be procured elsewhere? Blackbeetle paint can be used to dye the varieties of beads produced by the Brownies. Plenty of shipments of Blackbeetle Paint get traded with the Eyelains and the TenthrumTethinrhim Clan. Many dyes and the beads that are dyed by them are carried in rat drawn wagons and Arrowhead Geese.


Usage
The blackbeetle dye can be used to dye beads as well as providing a beautiful glue that can be made into so many of the many wonderful technological advances so commonly associated with the Vale Brownies. The dye can also be used as a form of makeup for brownie ladies during festivals. Many male brownies as well use it and both genders have Brownies who could not imagine festivals without it. The main use for blackbeetle dye, is a dye for beads and makes a glossy finish in addition to its deep blue shades.

History of the Industry
In 894 b.S Bubbler Clan came into being.  ProbablyWhy use probably here. Is this not a hard fact? during that time the beadwork so classic to the brownies became widespread to the Vale Brownies, and most likely that during that time the Blackbeetle Paint sprung from the mind of Rrao.Reasoning here? How did he invent it? How did the idea come to him? Did he accidentally fall off of his toilet while balancing an alarm clock, hit his head and then come up with the idea for a colour of paint?

Lore and Legend
This small passage being the only text that clearly defines the beginning of the blackbeetle paint is highly protected. It is believed that it dates back to the year 595 because of the aging of the ink indicates sometime near then.

Many years ago the brownies say a blackbeetle was hunted. The Blackbeetle attempted to flee the hunters by running all around the Vale. around great distances and it took many hours to catch it. When it finally died from the arrows and darts the hunters carried it to their village. The brownies of the village leaped in joy to see their favorite food being served. The different clans were tore apart the flesh. Members of the  Hotfinger clan cooked the meat, the Brightler Clan was used bits of the head as decorations, every brownie in the village were  happy. There were only one brownie who was not happy. He was a member of the Bubbler Clan and he had nothing to do. His name was Rerao.Consistency. Rrao or Rerao? He was only 15 and just days before he had joined the Bubbler Clan. He wasn’t experienced enough to do anything else so he just sat there. Beside him a elder brownie tore the the skin off a piece of the beetle. The young brownie grabbed a piece and sat on it. Later he got up and found a bit of sweating crunched up beetle skin. He picked it up and it crumbled into a deep blue powder. And that was true innovation  by mistake. And what would possess him to mix this powder with whatever secret and arcane liquids you need to make paint? Did it colour his hand? Was the seat of his pants suddenly blue?


Your entry is missing quite a bit of consistency. Remember that the name of your entry (Blackbeetle Paint) should always be capitalized like that. Don't flip flop between calling it a paint and a dye either. Stick with one name so that you don't confus the reader. I would recommend calling it a dye. Your language could use a little work, though that really isn't my area of expertise. What I noticed is that you've repeated yourself when you could have condensed the words into something more simple. Writing an entry is all about quality, not quantity. Keep that in mind.
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« Reply #22 on: 06 December 2009, 08:29:57 »

Thank you Valan for commenting on my entry. I'm very grateful for your help.  thanx
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« Reply #23 on: 20 December 2009, 03:29:54 »

Hey Aaron, a lime-green uri for you :)

Quote
Name
Blackbeetle Paint or Eioiei Uhll in Brownie


Overview
Blackbeetle Paint is a vivid blue dye made by the Vale Brownies and as you can see from the title it is made from blackbeetles that are processed in a variety of ways. Blackbeetle Paint is only made by the Bubbler Clan and within the clan a very few <-- a very few what?  I'm not quite sure what you mean here  undecided.  Many brownies adorn their clothes as well as beads with the Blackbeetle Paint.


Description of the Product
Blackbeetle Paint has a deep blue hue and the dye can be used as a blue glue it's so sticky.  thumbup The great popularity of the dye might be because of its colour which is almost as intense as Udenza pottery but with the glow of Baveras' Eye. Blackbeetle paint has a very thick consistency  and can be  very good at for dying beads and clothes. When it is put on cloth it will sink into the cloth within minutes and form a thick blue covering.  When put on most cloth it will replace any former color. The only exception are very bright shades of yellow and red which will ever so slightly show through the dye. Containers of Blackbeetle Paint are is  so thick that the brownies need to greased spoons simply to get it out of the barrels they store the paint in.

Method of Production
The Blackbeetle Paint made from the chitin between the wing and the wing case of a male black beetle seems to work the best compared to other pieces of skin. <-- This is the only part of the blackbeetle that is this colour, so I'm not sure it would work if made from other parts. Quality blackbeetle paint is only made by skilled and proven members of the Bubbler Clan.  thumbup Bits of a blackbeetle's outer hard shell are soaked in water for several days and then  cut up and ground up to an extent that it looks like blue sand. After that it's mixed with bones and other scraps and ground once again. After that the brownies then store it in barrels and place it underground for use in festivals. When it is used for makeup it requires at least two tots of water to dilute it as when it is undiluted it can cause rashes.  This recipe is supposed to be unknown to other races - could you add in a secret ingredient that only the Bubblers know?  Maybe there are rumours about what exactly it is, but no one knows for sure (apart from the Bubblers of course)?


Areas of Production
Containers of blackbeetle paint are only be produced  deep within the Council Tree of the Vale Brownies. Blackbeetle paint can be used to dye the varieties of beads produced by the Brownies. Plenty of shipments of Blackbeetle Paint get traded with the Eyelians and the Tethinrhim Clan.  thumbup Many dyes and the beads that are dyed by them are carried in rat drawn wagons and Arrowhead Geese. 


Usage
The blackbeetle dye can be used to dye beads as well as providing a beautiful glue that can be made into so many of the many wonderful technological advances so commonly associated with the Vale Brownies.  The dye can also be used as a form of makeup for brownie ladies during festivals. Many male brownies as well use it and both genders have Brownies who could not imagine festivals without it. <---I kind of imagined it as body paint more than makeup, just because I can't see how being blue and shiny would make you more beautiful.  Unless you're a baboon. The main use for Blackbeetle Paint, is as a dye for beads and adds a glossy finish in addition to its deep blue shades.

History of the Industry
In 894 b.S Bubbler Clan came into being.  During that time the beadwork so classic to the brownies became widespread to the Vale Brownies, and most likely that during that time the Blackbeetle Paint sprung from the mind of Rearao completely by accident.  You're saying "during that time", but you've only mentioned one specific year, which seems a bit weird, unless you meant that the paint was invented in that year?  Also, beadwork has always been a part of Brownie decoration.  The industry saw a revival in the late 1400s, (about 200 years ago) after the Milken Brownies set up a Guild in Milkengrad.  This made the beads famous and popular, and so the Llaoihrr could trade their's too. :)  Blue beads dyed with blackbeetle dye are popular though.

Lore and Legend
This small passage being the only text that clearly defines the beginning of the blackbeetle paint is highly protected. It is believed that it dates back to the year 595 <--a.S. or b.S?  Either is fine. because of the ageing of the ink indicates sometime near then.

Many years ago the brownies say a blackbeetle was hunted. The Blackbeetle attempted to flee the hunters by running all around the Vale.  <-- get rid of this full stop ;) around great distances and it took many hours to catch it. When it finally died from the arrows and darts the hunters carried it to their village. The brownies of the village leaped in joy to see their favorite food being served. The different clans were tore apart the flesh. Members of the  Hotfinger clan cooked the meat, the Brightler Clan was used bits of the head as decorations, every brownie in the village was  happy. There were only one brownie who was not happy. He was a member of the Bubbler Clan and he had nothing to do. His name was Rerao. He was only 15 and just days before he had joined the Bubbler Clan. He wasn’t experienced enough to do anything else so he just sat there. Beside him an elder brownie tore the the skin off a piece of the beetle. The young brownie grabbed a piece and sat on it. Later he got up and found a bit of sweating crunched up beetle skin. He picked it up and it crumbled into a deep blue powder.  Brownies don't really have small villages, at least not after the clans were introduced, but I reckon that can be looked over considering this is simply a story :).

Hope that helps Aaron - just a few things to touch up I think and then you're there!  Woo!
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« Reply #24 on: 09 March 2010, 06:49:26 »

I'm Back! Earlier I think I fixed most of the problems that Rookie noticed in that last batch of comments so I guess my question is whether or not I'm blarrowable.   grin
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« Reply #25 on: 10 March 2010, 06:13:56 »

Hey Aaron, good for you for sticking with this.  

There appear to be a number of small areas to clean up,  like double spaces between words and such.  Here's an example.

 
Quote
by the Vale Brownies  and as you can see
- doublespace between "Brownies" and "and".

The easiest way to clean this up is to copy the whole thing into Microsoft Word and fix the errors. Should be quick and easy to do.  If you can clean up these types of things I am sure Valan or I can blarrow it in time for the next update.

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« Reply #26 on: 17 March 2010, 04:02:30 »

Guess the edits are done by now as the edit date shows, so methinks we can mark this one for integration :) - So with other words: Blarrowed!  thumbup
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