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Author Topic: Paélrhem Elves  (Read 14379 times)
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Coren FrozenZephyr
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« Reply #30 on: 08 February 2010, 01:10:00 »

Hi Rayne :)

There are a number of typos/missing fragments. Let me know when you've had a chance to go through the entry and fix them. I can then attempt a detailed uri if you like :)
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"Everything should be as simple as possible and not simpler." Albert Einstein

"Is he allowed to do that?"
"I think that comes under the rule of Quia Ego Sic Dico."
"Yes, what does that mean?"
"'Because I say so', I think."
"That doesn't sound like much of a rule!"
"Actually, it's the only one he needs." (Making Money by Terry Pratchett)
Rayne (Alýr)
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« Reply #31 on: 08 February 2010, 13:07:14 »

I will hopefully get around to editing this tomorrow. Maybe while you're waiting, you might take a look at Enchantments and Ounia entries in the Magic Forum? I have a lovely green-eyed half-elf who would like these to find their way on the site.


EDIT:

Barely good to my word...  buck ... I've edited the entry, but I'm slightly brain-dead (for a snow day, I sure did have a lot of work!). Hopefully it reads better, now, though.
« Last Edit: 09 February 2010, 11:05:42 by Rayne (Alýr) » Logged

"There is much misjudgment in the world. Now, I knew you for a unicorn when I first saw you, and I know that I am your friend. Yet you take me for a clown, or a clod, or a betrayer, and so I must be if you see me so. The magic on you is only magic and will vanish as soon as you are free, but the enchantment of error that you put on me I must wear forever in your eyes. We are not always what we seem..." -Schmendrick the Magician, The Last Unicorn
Coren FrozenZephyr
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« Reply #32 on: 16 February 2010, 03:11:13 »

Thank you for the patience. Exams are no longer looming over the horizon but marching towards me with terrifying speed  undecided

Please find attached a Word document containing my edits/comments.

Thanks for undertaking this, Rayne! The entry reads really well  number1
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"Everything should be as simple as possible and not simpler." Albert Einstein

"Is he allowed to do that?"
"I think that comes under the rule of Quia Ego Sic Dico."
"Yes, what does that mean?"
"'Because I say so', I think."
"That doesn't sound like much of a rule!"
"Actually, it's the only one he needs." (Making Money by Terry Pratchett)
Coren FrozenZephyr
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« Reply #33 on: 16 February 2010, 03:12:44 »

Also, let's change the dev status to '!' - otherwise people won't know that this is ready for comments. The poem can always be integrated later :)
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"Everything should be as simple as possible and not simpler." Albert Einstein

"Is he allowed to do that?"
"I think that comes under the rule of Quia Ego Sic Dico."
"Yes, what does that mean?"
"'Because I say so', I think."
"That doesn't sound like much of a rule!"
"Actually, it's the only one he needs." (Making Money by Terry Pratchett)
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« Reply #34 on: 06 March 2011, 14:21:16 »

This is my, not so humble, plea for this entry to be polished up and blarrowed in the near future. I've read every post regarding this particular tribe, not once but twice over the last year. The details presented here are beyond what is listed for tribes already within the compendium... Such a shame for collaborative work to linger so near completion.

Rayne's poetic writing mingled with Coren's wisdom is tantamount to love on my eyes. heart
« Last Edit: 06 March 2011, 14:40:40 by Emváy » Logged

Rayne (Alýr)
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« Reply #35 on: 10 March 2011, 13:24:47 »

Ah, I am quiet fond of the arrangement. And this does need to get finished!

I have attached the version with the corrections, still colored. My comments to your comments are below (but not in the version attached. I'm sorry. I should have kept them in, but I haven't much time, and didn't think it through).

I would like a little time to go through now that a year has passed and review this entry to ensure I'm happy with the style. I hope that's all right!


Comment One: This grammatical technique is more akin to a kind of floating noun-modifier, similar to something like: “Her majesty, a plump woman with a coruscating crown and robes of velvet, sat haughtily upon her throne.”

-I have no idea how to pronounce Yphroca (Maybe “yi-phro-KAL”) or ýphero’naíl (YI-phero-na-IL?). I’m hesitant to say, because I’m unsure.

Comment 2: Agreed!

Comment 3: “as” works for me.

-I think it should me “merges.” The paragraph is written more or less in future tense, and the immediacy of the present tense is stylistically impactful; the convolution of the appearance of present perfect (because of the past participle “merged”) seems a little disjointed to me.

Comment 4: Good catch! Changed.

Comment 5: I have no idea what this means, but it made me giggle.

Comment 6: “ascends as a cloud, floating into his cliff home”?

Comment 7: I could only find this instance (a typo); I altered some wording for stylistic reasons, but don’t see anything grammatically amiss.

Comment 8: In the US, they often say that it is not the gun that kills people; it is people who kill people. I use a knife to peel my potatoes and cut my carrots, but having a knife does not make me a violent person. There is an aspect of necessity, which reminds me of a beautiful poem by Silko:

Deer Song

Storm winds carry snow
to the mountain stream
clotted white in silence,
pale blue streak under ice
to the sea.

The ice shatters into glassy
bone splinters that tear deep into
soft parts of the hoof.
Swimming away from the wolves
before dawn
choking back salt water
the steaming red froth tide.

It is necessary.
Reflections that blind
from a thousand feet of
gray schist
snow-covered in dying winter sunlight.
The pain is numbed by the freezing,
the depths of the night sky,
the distance beyond pale stars.

Do not think that I do not love you
if I scream
while I die.
Antler and thin black hoof
smashed against dark rock -
the struggle is the ritual
shining teeth tangled in
sinew and flesh.

You see,
I will go with you,
Because you call softly
because you are my brother
and my sister
Because the mountain is
our mother.
I will go with you
because you love me
while I die.
I apologize for responding with such unnecessary digressions—but it’s one of my favorite poems.

Comment: 9: “As such, the Paélrhem often work together to corner one, and then work swiftly to take it down quickly and humanely.” Does this sound better?

Comment 10: Sounds good to me.

Comment 11: Correct

Comment 12: Correct

Comment 13: Moved down to Gondolwain.

Comment 14: Of course! One of Judith’s creations, I believe.

Comment 15: “With the Aca-Santerrans,” I think.

Comment 16: “can grow enormous”? Does this sound better?

Comment 17: I think so—probably. I can’t remember, but it sounds like something I would do…

Comment 18: Maybe we can make a note in the entry.

Comment 19: It sounds all right to me—though did you want to make this a different sub-heading?
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"There is much misjudgment in the world. Now, I knew you for a unicorn when I first saw you, and I know that I am your friend. Yet you take me for a clown, or a clod, or a betrayer, and so I must be if you see me so. The magic on you is only magic and will vanish as soon as you are free, but the enchantment of error that you put on me I must wear forever in your eyes. We are not always what we seem..." -Schmendrick the Magician, The Last Unicorn
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« Reply #36 on: 11 March 2011, 04:00:25 »

So you're still working on that one as well, Rayne, even though we already have an updated document? Looks like I won't have much to work on at this week's update then! shocked
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Rayne (Alýr)
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« Reply #37 on: 11 March 2011, 11:23:02 »

Still working on what one? And updated document? I'm sorry. I'm a bit lost.  huh
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"There is much misjudgment in the world. Now, I knew you for a unicorn when I first saw you, and I know that I am your friend. Yet you take me for a clown, or a clod, or a betrayer, and so I must be if you see me so. The magic on you is only magic and will vanish as soon as you are free, but the enchantment of error that you put on me I must wear forever in your eyes. We are not always what we seem..." -Schmendrick the Magician, The Last Unicorn
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« Reply #38 on: 11 March 2011, 15:53:39 »

No worries - just saw you've posted an updated document, but still are working on this one, right? So I'll wait till you've got a final version!  cool
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Rayne (Alýr)
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« Reply #39 on: 14 March 2011, 08:26:30 »

Very few changes--just a few stylistic things and the inclusion of the lyric. Coren, if you get a chance, can you take one last look?

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"There is much misjudgment in the world. Now, I knew you for a unicorn when I first saw you, and I know that I am your friend. Yet you take me for a clown, or a clod, or a betrayer, and so I must be if you see me so. The magic on you is only magic and will vanish as soon as you are free, but the enchantment of error that you put on me I must wear forever in your eyes. We are not always what we seem..." -Schmendrick the Magician, The Last Unicorn
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« Reply #40 on: 17 March 2011, 17:54:58 »

Rayne, this was a lovely idea, elves in the sky. I have read it some time ago and always wanted give a small comment.

The only thing which disturbs me is the fact, that the elves
" Almost from birth, these elves have the ability to turn their bodies into vapours, floating through the air like clouds."

This sounds for me so out of reach for a race which is closely tied to the other elven races from which they stem. We don't have evolution here described, but I still think, how could this happen?

As these elves are not closely researched due to their nature, an option would be to formulate it a bit more vague: "It seems as if ..." And maybe a remark, that this is so unbelievable, but observations point to that, though there is not explanation, how they do it.

In this case, it is still open, if it happens as you state it, or if it just looks like this, and the elves know how to get to the ground and back, but have other unknown means which sound not as strange as morphing in a cloud!

But, if you want to leave it as you have it, I have no objections!
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« Reply #41 on: 17 March 2011, 20:26:37 »

Maybe some Myth/Lore concerning the cloud morphing rather than factual statements? That way, researchers could make their own conclusions. Of course, it would be dev fact, but to the rest of the world, the stories of the cloud elves would be fantastical and awe inspiring. I take a similar approach with the Kaaer and their shape-shifting.
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« Reply #42 on: 19 March 2011, 03:58:48 »

Hi Rayne! Of course I wouldn't mind going through the entry one last time - always a joy to read your work. :) All your entries are well written of course, but there are some particularly beautiful passages here!


1) I've marked up minor typos/changes etc in colour and shall attach the edited document later on tonight.


Quote
The only known record of song emerged in the research notes of a Santharian researcher who took down their lyric:

2) Hmm... What is a Santharian researcher doing there? This contradicts what we've said earlier about the Mist Elves being very reclusive and that the only tribes they have contact with are the Gondolwain & Aelónrhim. Besides, aren't their settlements supposed to be difficult to find? Perhaps it would make more sense to say that the researcher obtained a copy of the original elvish version from a Gondolwain merchant and then translated it from elvish into Tharian? Something along those lines perhaps?

3) I've said it before, but allow me to reiterate: Beautiful poem! I especially liked:

Quote
We are all drops of the water.
We are distinct for a moment.
Then we merge into the vast ocean.


Take care hun!
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"Everything should be as simple as possible and not simpler." Albert Einstein

"Is he allowed to do that?"
"I think that comes under the rule of Quia Ego Sic Dico."
"Yes, what does that mean?"
"'Because I say so', I think."
"That doesn't sound like much of a rule!"
"Actually, it's the only one he needs." (Making Money by Terry Pratchett)
Rayne (Alýr)
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« Reply #43 on: 21 March 2011, 09:58:51 »

1) I will go through and make edits. I glanced through yours and agree with them. The only issue remaining is the pronunciation. Do you have your heart set on having them in this piece?


2) The issue with having it recorded by a Gondolwain and given to a Santharian researcher is that the Nybelmarian dialect of Styrash hasn't been developed. The poem is in Santharian Styrash, not Nybelmarian Styrash.

If I could, I would try to develop some rules by which to convert it into Nybelmarian Styrash, but the way this dialect has been portrayed thus far on the site has been erratic and haphazard, and I cannot make sense of any underlying rules to explain the multifarious derivations.

I do not mind taking up the story of a Gondolwain merchant transcribing it and giving it off to a Santharian researcher. Once we develop a structure for Nybelmarian Styrash, we can convert it. What would you like to do?
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"There is much misjudgment in the world. Now, I knew you for a unicorn when I first saw you, and I know that I am your friend. Yet you take me for a clown, or a clod, or a betrayer, and so I must be if you see me so. The magic on you is only magic and will vanish as soon as you are free, but the enchantment of error that you put on me I must wear forever in your eyes. We are not always what we seem..." -Schmendrick the Magician, The Last Unicorn
Coren FrozenZephyr
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« Reply #44 on: 21 March 2011, 22:08:59 »

Re pronunciation: I would prefer to have it settled in writing - otherwise we will just procrastinate and it will linger somewhere in the ether for a long time to come. Maybe Artimidor could add the pronunciations as he uploads the entry?

Re researcher: Yes, I think converting it to Nybelmarian Styrash later makes the most sense. Dialectical differences aside, this option seems to be much more realistic than a lone Santharian researcher finding the Paelrhem.
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"Everything should be as simple as possible and not simpler." Albert Einstein

"Is he allowed to do that?"
"I think that comes under the rule of Quia Ego Sic Dico."
"Yes, what does that mean?"
"'Because I say so', I think."
"That doesn't sound like much of a rule!"
"Actually, it's the only one he needs." (Making Money by Terry Pratchett)
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