Beauty too in storm

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[Coren FrozenZephyr]

This poem (translated into Tharian from the original) has drifted through to us from the Ancient Krean of Nybelmar, through many centuries and thousands of leagues of ocean. Written as a peace offering to a friend with whom the poet had an argument, the poem argues that it is precisely because one loves that one should not shy away from difficult but necessary conversations.

‘Looking deeply,’ as the lines encourage us to do, we see that the poem encapsulates a very Krean view of life in that it reminds us to see past the surface into the beauty ensconced in every moment, in every challenge. It reminds us that there is peace in every step – that peace is every step.

To quote a well-known passage from an unknown Krean traveller: ‘I try to remind myself that – whatever they might teach us here in the world - the sun IS still there, smiling, and that this is but a fleeting cloud. And I remind myself that however big or menacing the cloud, it cannot obscure the sun forever. And that perhaps next time I will not only know but see that the sun is still there, and will have learnt to gaze right past the cloud and into the sun, and see that its heart and my heart remain one...’




BEAUTY TOO IN STORM

Across the sea amass the clouds;
Together come thunder and lightning
Like giants riding howling wind;
Descend the rain so swift and cold.


Where now the songs of Spring? Where now?
Where now the dancing day? Where now?
But there is beauty too in storm
If only we would deeply look.

/

The tree was once content beneath
Clear sky, unchallenged canopy
Crowned in sun-sparked silence, swaying.
It now resents the wind, I know.


I know. Just now I heard it ask:
Must argument to argument
Like lightning to earth attach?
And leave the ground charred in its wake?

/

Though now the tree has dug in root,
Though now from wind it turns away,
Though now it spurns the rain,
I know that it needs water still.


For though the sky now shakes, though now
Rivers rebel and flood their banks,
Though now the tree resents the wind -
Friend! There is beauty too in storm.

/

Please friend, look deeply – it rains now
To bend with fruit the growing bough
The bloom matures, with ripeness fills -
Yes, there is beauty too in storm.

[Seeker]

I know nothing of poems and how they should be put together.  However I did want you to know I read it and enjoyed it.   

Will this be published as a Coren work or will it be attributed to one of our other Santharian poets?

[Coren FrozenZephyr]

Thanks Seeker!

Though now I'm sort of wondering if it should be published at all. It sounded a lot better yesterday, when it first left the pen so to say. I guess unlike wine my verse doesn't age well


EDIT: The metre sort of ran away from me in the third stanza. I wanted to have "in sun-sparked silence swaying" all in the same line, in that order, but the metre wouldn't co-operate. Even now, it sounds off... Doesn't roll of the tongue - or maybe I stumble over it because my mind keeps going to 'sun-sparked silence swaying' - which of course isn't what appears on the paper?

So it is still a bit rough. If I can get it tightened a bit more, I'll add a teaser/introduction/background for Arti.

In the meantime please feel free to comment! And please do feel free to tell me if you think it should or should not go on the site

I don't really know anything about poetry - so I'm always a bit self-conscious when it comes to these things. 'These things' - as if I've written loads I think this is the third (fourth?) poem I've written in my life. Definitely, not to the calibre of Sordoc the Great, but perhaps not unacceptable?

[Rayne (Alýr)]

Poetry is an extremely personal expressive form. I would rather analyze, not evaluate. I love this poem. I think it's beautiful--the most I can do is analyze it a bit. You can see if my analysis matches what you intend, and you can make the decisions on what changes you might like to make.

First! Scansion:

  u  /   u   /     u  /    u     /
Across the sea amass the clouds;
  u  /  u    u      /   u     u     /   u
Together come thunder and lightning
 u    /  (u)  /  u    /   u      /
Like giants riding howling wind;
 u   /      u   /     u   /     u     /
Descend the rain so swift and cold.

  /(u)  u(/)   u     /      u   /          /      u
Where now the songs of Spring? Where now?
  /(u)  u(/)   u     /   u     /       /        u
Where now the dancing day? Where now?
  u    /    u   /   u    /   u   /
But there is beauty too in storm
 u / u    /   u       /  u      /
If only we would deeply look.

/

 u    /     u    /       u  /      u   /
The tree was quite content beneath
 /      /     u       /  u     u    /    u
Clear sky once, swaying unchallenged
u   /      u         /  u     /      u       /
In sun-sparked silence come what may.
u   /    u   /     u    /     u    /
It now resents the wind, I know.

u   /       u    /    u   /     u   /
I know. Just now I heard it ask:
  u     /  u    /   u   /  u   /
Must argument to argument
  u    /  u       u  /       u  /
Like lightning to earth attach?
 u     /      u     /         /        u  u   /
And leave the ground charred in its wake?

/

    u       /     u    /    u     /   u   /
Though now the tree has dug in root,
     u      /      u     /     u   /     u  /
Though now from wind it turns away,
    u       /    u    /      u    /
Though now it spurns the rain,
u   /      u   u   u     /   u   /
I know that it needs water still.

  u      /      u   /     u     /           u        /
For though the sky now shakes, though now
/   u    u /   u       /     u       /
Rivers rebel and flood their banks,
   u          /   u    /    u   /     u    /
Though now the tree resents the wind -
  /         u     u  /  u     /   u    /
Friend! There is beauty too in storm.

/

    /       u       u    /   u      u   /     u
Please friend, look deeply – it rains now
 u    /      u     /     u    /   u      /
To bend with fruit the growing bough
  u    /        u   /       u    /  u      /
The bloom matures, with ripeness fills -
  /     u    u    /  u    /   u    /
Yes, there is beauty too in storm.

There is a loose meter that maintains flow without constricting the line too heavily. The repetition in the lines feel like an echo, perhaps one carried through the wind. The theme of beauty in storm gives the entire poem coherence, but the coherence also extends to stanza and even line level in repetitions of "Where now" and "Though now."

The re-occuring "characters" of the poem also allow the parts to hang together well--particularly the character of the wind and the tree, which seem to be in battle here. The emotions also carry through, with the phrase "resents the wind" maintaining a similar emotional vein throughout the piece.

The repeated line "beauty in storm" gains significance as the poem progresses. In its first occurrence, it has propositional content--it serves as a very subtle volta, signaling that this impression will be further elaborated. Then we get images of the tree and images of the storm. The second repetition of the line is no longer a proposition so much as an observance related to the recently described images: the storm is beautiful because of the sensory experience.

Then the poem turns toward the effects of the storm--the fruit that comes from the rain the storm brings. The final repetition assumes the impressions of both the visual AND the casual effects of the storm. Therefore, through these repetitions, the line assumes more and more meaning.

So there's an analysis. ^^ Hopefully it matches your intents. Beautiful poem.

[Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels]

It should go on the site! So find a frame for it!

[Coren FrozenZephyr]

Thanks guys!

I'm still stuck on the third stanza - could someone help me out there please?

[Rayne (Alýr)]

The meter is still kind of rough with this version (which you can feel to borrow parts from or completely ignore). The stresses in the second line are difficult, because of the nature of the words in the line--it's hard to make things feel more strictly metrical when you have was seems to be a series of spondees ("clear sky once" can be read as being three stressed syllables). The pressure of those syllables makes anything following it almost by necessity unstressed--the line is trying to find a rest from all the stressed syllables. Therefore, even though metrically I would intend for "with" to be stressed, the pressure of the preceding spondees makes this difficult.

I also copped out a little with the end of line three. But sometimes enjambments of this sort make it feel more natural. But you can play around with that last syllable, if you like. After all, you don't have to worry about a rhyme scheme.

I also tried to alter things and choose words that highlighted the sounds of the stanza--particularly "s" and "c."

The tree stood quite content beneath
clear sky once, with crowned canopy
in sun sparked silence swaying--but
It now resents the wind, I know.

[Coren FrozenZephyr]

God, I'm still not sure about the third stanza. I took Rayne's suggestions and moved some of the words around a bit. Rayne, I love that you've chosen words that highlight the sounds of the stanza - great idea! I wanted to keep 'unchallenged' in, so had to rearrange the lines slightly.

What do you guys think?


(New Version)

The tree was once content beneath
clear sky, unchallenged canopy
crowned in sun-sparked silence swaying.
It now resents the wind, I know.

ux ux ux ux
(u)x, ux ux u(x)
xu x(u) xu xu
ux ux ux, ux.


(Rayne's suggestion)

The tree stood quite content beneath
clear sky once, with crowned canopy
in sun sparked silence swaying -- but
It now resents the wind, I know.


(Original version)

The tree was quite content beneath
Clear sky once, swaying unchallenged
In sun-sparked silence come what may.
It now resents the wind, I know.



PS: I'll find a teaser/intro tonight.

EDIT: Oh, forgot to ask: Should there be a comma after 'silence'? ie 'The tree was once content beneath / clear sky, unchallenged canopy crowned in sun-sparked silence, swaying. / It now resents the wind, I know.

[Coren FrozenZephyr]

UPDATE: And here is the teaser:

This poem (translated into Tharian from the original) has drifted through to us from the Ancient Krean of Nybelmar, through many centuries and thousands of leagues of ocean. Written by one friend to another, it speaks of the difficult situation where you love someone to bits and don’t want to hurt them, but there are words that must be said, precisely because they are your friends and/or family.

‘Looking deeply,’ as the lines encourage us to do, we see that the poem encapsulates a very Krean view of life in that it reminds us to see past the surface into the beauty ensconced in every moment, in every challenge. It reminds us that there is peace in every step – that peace is every step.

To quote a well-known passage from an unknown Krean traveller: ‘I try to remind myself that – whatever they might teach us here in the world - the sun IS still there, smiling, and that this is but a fleeting cloud. And I remind myself that however big or menacing the cloud, it cannot obscure the sun forever. And that perhaps next time I will not only know but see that the sun is still there, and will have learnt to gaze right past the cloud and into the sun, and see that its heart and my heart remain one...’



I'm wondering if it would be possible to incorporate Rayne's commentary too (maybe a separate version with just the poem and Rayne's comments). They could perhaps be quoted as a Santharian analysis of the poem by the famous elven poetess Rayne Avalotus?

[Azhira Styralias]

Coren, great idea! If you recall, the famous poetess contributed a poem to Anilya's entry (and I am still waiting on one for Empress Kash). I think a credit and analysis by her would be nice.  

EDIT: Oh, forgot to ask: Should there be a comma after 'silence'? ie 'The tree was once content beneath / clear sky, unchallenged canopy crowned in sun-sparked silence, swaying. / It now resents the wind, I know.

I think the comma there fits. It gives a pause between silence and swaying conveying two different concepts? Emotions? Not sure how to word that. But yes. Comma.

[Coren FrozenZephyr]

Thanks Azhira!

Re comma: The difference would be this: (i) without the comma, it would be the canopy swaying whereas (ii) with the comma the tree would be doing the swaying. But stylistically the comma gives the reader a pause - so perhaps the lines would flow better as a result? I don't really know - I'm not a poetry person

Does the teaser work? I suck at writing those...

[Shabakuk Zeborius Anfang]

Your teaser is beautifully written, Coren!

As is the poem!

Two comments:

1. The phrase 'love someone to bits' is rather colloquial (although it's a nice metaphor these English speakers have there, and I've used it myself in my life). Do you want to be colloquial? I also found your second teaser sentence ever so slightly unwieldy. How about the following as an alternative (use all, some, or none of it as you see fit!):

"It was written as the poet's advice for a friend, who hesitated when faced with the heavy task of having to criticize a loved one. The poem argues that it is precisely because one loves that one should not shy away from difficult but necessary conversations."



2. I wondered about the quotation from the Krean traveller. He seems to suggest that you get through a (metaphorical) storm by thinking of the (metaphorical) sun that still shines above.

On the other hand, I interpreted your poem to mean that you get through what appears to be an adversity (the storm) by accepting it, by acknowledging how it has a part to play in the world (no renewal without violence?), and by learning to see its own particular beauty.

These two views of how to handle adversity seem to me to be different. The traveller sees the beauty behind the storm, the poem sees the beauty in the storm. (But maybe you would argue that 'looking deeply', that's no difference?)

But actually, I don't think the difference is a bad thing. Just wanted to let you know my thoughts, really.


Oh, about the comma: I'd let it stand. Without it, I'd actually read the line to mean that the silence  was swaying (an unusual metaphor, but not so far-fetched as to be unthinkable?), which is not what you intended, I believe.

Anyway, aura!

PS: Maybe you know that 'looking deeply' is a favourite phrase of the Buddhist monk and writer Thich Nath Hanh. Are you alluding to him?

[Coren FrozenZephyr]

Hi Arti!  

Could you please update the teaser? I've coloured the changes I made to align it with Shab's comments:

This poem (translated into Tharian from the original) has drifted through to us from the Ancient Krean of Nybelmar, through many centuries and thousands of leagues of ocean. Written as a peace offering to a friend with whom the poet had an argument, the poem argues that it is precisely because one loves that one should not shy away from difficult but necessary conversations.

‘Looking deeply,’ as the lines encourage us to do, we see that the poem encapsulates a very Krean view of life in that it reminds us to see past the surface into the beauty ensconced in every moment, in every challenge. It reminds us that there is peace in every step – that peace is every step.

To quote a well-known passage from an unknown Krean traveller: ‘I try to remind myself that – whatever they might teach us here in the world - the sun IS still there, smiling, and that this is but a fleeting cloud. And I remind myself that however big or menacing the cloud, it cannot obscure the sun forever. And that perhaps next time I will not only know but see that the sun is still there, and will have learnt to gaze right past the cloud and into the sun, and see that its heart and my heart remain one...’

A short entry to address Shab's remaining questions and comments on Deci's place entry coming up next!


EDIT: Oh - and also: I think it should be "Descends the rain so swift and cold" in the first stanza?

[Artimidor Federkiel]

Ok, will be updated!

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[Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin]

Last 10 Shouts: Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin 29 May 2013, 17:07:40 Ughh.   Better hold off, Art.  I've go some editing to do. Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin 29 May 2013, 15:46:18 Talia !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  *Shakes fist in the air*   Artimidor Federkiel 29 May 2013, 10:03:27 But well, I see you already made an own post - I'll take that one as well then Artimidor Federkiel 29 May 2013, 10:01:15 No, not necessary... Just wanted to make sure that the text you want to integrate is the final version Just leave the rest there! Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin 28 May 2013, 03:57:46 Do you need me to remove the rest of it?  It was supposed to be a full blown entry, but still gathering facts for the other stuff.  I'll move the stuff to be integrated into its own entry.   Artimidor Federkiel 27 May 2013, 22:46:17 No problem there - are you sure that you've posted the final version? Text on the site is about a year old... Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin 27 May 2013, 16:59:45 Art, I want to submit my Antislar Overview, Appearence, Territory and People sections for uploading on the next update, please. No rush with what you have going on, however. Artimidor Federkiel 23 May 2013, 17:14:39 If it works, sure! Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin 23 May 2013, 16:47:05  Art, is this your little way of forcing me to do an entry? Irid alMenie 23 May 2013, 14:01:26 I see the board has been deactivated. Lets hope for a quick solution!

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