Call of the Wind

Eldor Delrossa

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Call of the Wind

« on: 31 January 2010, 03:18:31 »

I hope you all enjoy it! I just had to write this.

Teaser: Call of the Wind is a dreary poem, written by a Gnomish Ximaxian Wind mage named Doran Elmerron Tetzleray, who had gone insane over the lustrous power of the wind. Over the years, he became senile and mad with power. He believed himself to be the most powerful Wind mage of his time. He would've become Archmage of the School of Wind Magic, but he was discovered to have been practicing Necromancy. This tells of the sad song of his heart, his reason for the mistakes he has made. Whether there is any truth to this will be for you to decide...

Call of the Wind

The fleeting breeze
Whispers softly in your ear
Its power
Raptures your being

You watch as it dictates
The direction of the trees and rain
How the nebulous clouds
Obey its subtle song

The rain appears
To retain some control
In its downward motion
And its pelting force

It is only but illusion
For its miniscule freedom
Is only granted by the Dragging Forces
And their undeniable pull

The way the other elements
Submit to the wind
Is comparable to how
I submit to my inner beast

It gives me the pretense of freedom
When I am its twisted string-poppet
I am forever trapped
For I could not resist
Grothar's hypnotizing melody
The call of the wind


« Last Edit: 08 August 2010, 12:12:49 by Artimidor Federkiel »	Logged

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Eldor Delrossa

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Re: Call of the Wind

« Reply #1 on: 04 July 2010, 02:40:25 »

Oh I just noticed this. I had meant for this to be an entry, but I'm not sure if it could go into the compendium. Let me know what you all think. So...*BUMP*


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seth ghibta

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Re: Call of the Wind

« Reply #2 on: 04 July 2010, 15:31:21 »

it's nice, Eldor! reminds me of certain aspects of old japanese poetry. what i would suggest, though, is Context: at the minute it's a completely free-floating fragment of poetry, and that's good in it's own right, but to fit into Santh you need to ground it in the world that already exists, make it belong there. where does this poem come from? do we know who wrote it? is it used/quoted often at certain occasions, does it have historical, mythical, religious significance? this is the value of teasers, and of choosing the right place for it on site - i'd advise you to flick through the library on site, and see whereabouts you might put it, and to put a short teaser at the front, explaing breifly where it's from and what it is, generally speaking.
aura for a good poem, though - writing poetry scares me, so you haave my respect.


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Shabakuk Zeborius Anfang

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Re: Call of the Wind

« Reply #3 on: 04 July 2010, 18:20:46 »

I agree with Seth! It's quite a beautiful idea, describing the wilfulness and power of the wind, and then turning the metaphor into a reflection on the irrestible urges of the soul, which are freedom and slavemaster in one!

The author could be a renegade wind mage? Or the poem might be a youthful self-reflection of a gifted magician who later became either a great villain or a great hero? I think the poem suggests the soul of someone who is sailing close to the boundary between good and evil? Again, agreeing with Seth: It would be great if you could find or invent a plausible Santharian author.

A detail:

Quote

Is to comparable to how

... delete the yellow 'to'?


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Bard Judith

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Re: Call of the Wind

« Reply #4 on: 06 July 2010, 03:16:45 »

'marionette' is a bit too - um - modern-sounding? Even 'puppet' does not have quite the right sound or connotation here.

Perhaps 'string-poppet' (that last being the old name for 'doll') would work?

Or substitute another, uniquely Santharian image, such as the white silk banners that are hung in Grothar-willows as acts of worship, whipped to and fro by the wind....


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Artimidor Federkiel

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Re: Call of the Wind

« Reply #5 on: 08 July 2010, 22:41:49 »

Basically, every Library entry, and this includes poems, should have a Santharian link. That's why we have introductions and teasers to the works, so that we can embed even works that don't really seem to originate from someone Santharian. So such an intro/teaser is missing here as well, so that it becomes clearer who was writing it and why etc.

Also, try to avoid too modern words, "marionette" might be one of those, but I'm also very unsure about the term "gravity", this seems to be a scientifically laden term, in Santharia such things would probably be associated much more with mythology (like that the Netherwordly powers pull us down or something). Tricky subject such words.


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Eldor Delrossa

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Re: Call of the Wind

« Reply #6 on: 08 July 2010, 23:21:39 »

Alright, I've added a teaser, and changed the Terran terms to something that fits Santharia.


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Artimidor Federkiel

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Re: Call of the Wind

« Reply #7 on: 13 July 2010, 00:00:44 »

The added teaser is really an interesting idea to integrate this poem into the Santharian world, gives it a whole new quite fascinating meaning I'd say

Suggestions:

- You can't say "Doran Elmerron, whom had gone insane" (should be who)

- Also "Is to comparable to how" isn't proper English, should be "Is comparable to how" methinks.

- The passage "Is only granted by the Mystic Force And its undeniable pull" seems a bit strange to me, because it's not very clear what you're referring here right now, though I get the idea of trying to replace "gravity". Maybe change it something like "Is only granted by the dragging forces, the unseen Netherworldy claws." While this is also a somewhat mystical/mythical description of "gravity" I guess it reveals a bit more and might fit better into the overall context. Just an idea of course.


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Azhira Styralias

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Re: Call of the Wind

« Reply #8 on: 15 July 2010, 16:58:55 »

If I were to guess what race this poet would be...I would say somewhat educated gnome familiar with scientific principles. The way the the descriptions read, it sounds too "worldly" and specific to be elven. I doubt a dwarf would write such a poem about wind (they being earthy people). Could possibly be human, of course. I don't think Brownie because of the Grothar reference (although a Brownie wind mage would be neat!)

So I say gnome! thumbup


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Eldor Delrossa

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Re: Call of the Wind

« Reply #9 on: 20 July 2010, 05:36:13 »

Thanks for the comments Arti and Azzy.

Edits in lime.


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Eldor Delrossa

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Re: Call of the Wind

« Reply #10 on: 25 July 2010, 21:04:09 »

Been a few days. If no one has any more comments, then...Blarrow? devilish


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Eldor Delrossa

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Re: Call of the Wind

« Reply #11 on: 05 August 2010, 23:01:16 »

*BUMP*


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