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Author Topic: Children's Poem - The Brinitarisanear  (Read 6136 times)
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Deklitch Hardin
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« on: 09 May 2010, 07:42:37 »

New additions in red!
Corrections in Orange

The Brinitarisanear is a poem written by Aniqani Msaqu, the Eyelian Chief Librarian of the Bestiary Section at Lorehaven from the early years of the 15th century. Aniqani created the poem to teach children about different animals on Caelereth. The original form of the poem didn't have the response parts of it and these were developed by the children when they were used to the structure and repetition of the poem. As with other songs and poems, this poem has spread around Santharia, and it seems to be quite popular children all over the kingdom and even to Northern Sarvonia. The Black Butterfly Rovers are one group that have contributed in the dispersal of this poem, as are bards, such as Masterbard Judith of Bardavos.

The Brinitarisanear
by Aniqani Msaqu


There's quite a weird creature that we rarely see,
A most peculiar animal that hangs from a tree,
It is something like a vilerat and a little like a fujin
But it is nothing like a paxon or peaceful kyrattin,
So let me teach you its name, just in case it does appear,
It is Bri
Response: Bri
Brinitaris
Response: Brinitaris
Brinitarisanear
Response: Brinitarisanear

It is horned like a Krumhorn, fanged like a dark-stryke shark,
And it is coloured like a duscur, it has a fearsome bark,
It loves to chase children, the elf or human kind,
So stay with your parents, or you no more they'll find,
But if you call its name quite loudly, it will run away in fear,
It is Bri
Response: Bri
Brinitaris
Response: Brinitaris
Brinitarisanear
Response: Brinitarisanear

It lives in a family, just like me and you,
with a mummy, and a daddy, and little children too,
It feasts on kuswik hoppers and on cua-cua wings,
But it is scared of the gossiper, which copies when it sings,
Here is its name again, just in case it does draw near,

It is Bri
Response: Bri
Brinitaris
Response: Brinitaris
Brinitarisanear
Response: Brinitarisanear

But I doubt that you have seen it; and I truthfully must say,
That I haven't seen it either, neither today nor yesterday.
For I don't know of such an animal, but like you I haven't been,
To the lands of Nybelmar, with jungles all shades of green,.
I once again teach its name, so practice what you hear,

It is Bri
Response: Bri
Brinitaris
Response: Brinitaris
Brinitarisanear
Response: Brinitarisanear
« Last Edit: 09 October 2010, 17:53:45 by Artimidor Federkiel » Logged

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Deklitch Hardin
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« Reply #1 on: 09 May 2010, 07:51:28 »

Just a few notes on this ...

It is based on a poem called "The Triantiwontigongolope" ... an Australian poem.

I may be going to add an extra verse into it ... possibly describing a bit more of its habits.

I'm also likely to ascribe it to a poet ... not Sordoc ... it isn't exactly his style. The name of the Australian poet of it was C.J. Dennis.

It might actually be worthwhile me changing that last verse ... not actually having the poet admit to it being a joke ... what do you think?

Of course, that then leaves it open for someone else to do a bestiary entry on it :D Have fun with that if you decide to do so. :D

Dek
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seth ghibta
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« Reply #2 on: 09 May 2010, 20:25:53 »

Dek this is brilliant! kinda Lear or milliganesque, and the whole composite-animal thing santharianises very well. i'd be inclined to agree with you on adding a verse describing the habits, partly because then there'd be more of it, which'd be good on principle, partly because that'll make it more your own, and more unique to Santh, and partly because i'm having to fight very hard not to agree on changing the last verse so it can be adapted for a bestiary as well... except i shouldn't, because if i claim any more entries i will be crushed beneath the weight of my backlog.
auras anyway. grin
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Shabakuk Zeborius Anfang
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« Reply #3 on: 10 May 2010, 06:15:37 »

Cute, Dek!

Yes, give us another verse, please.

I've permitted myself to incorporate the Brinitarisanear in my Fimbles entry (Tapestry Weavers Section, in case you want to have a look), where I've cheekily assumed that the last verse will stand. I'll change that if you want, of course.

Another thing you could usefully add is a little introduction (one sentence), telling us where the children's song is from, and mayhap also where it's known today.

Given the assemblage of beasts you've got there, hailing from places as far apart as Northern Sarvonia and Nybelmar, I wonder if the song could have been written by the head librarian for the bestiary section in the Lorehold library?

(On earth, I know quite a few librarian-writers. The poet Philipp Larkin comes to mind, as does Jorge Luis Borges ... But of course, feel free to ignore this idea.)


EDIT: Two details:

Quote
But it is nothing like a gossipar who loves to copy you
...gossiper...

Quote
And it is coloured like a duscar, it has a fearsome bark,
...duscur...
« Last Edit: 10 May 2010, 06:38:05 by Shabakuk Zeborius Anfang » Logged

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« Reply #4 on: 10 May 2010, 19:33:30 »

Thanks for the encouragement and suggestions Miss Ghibta and Master Anfang.

I think your suggestion makes sense, Shab regarding the poet behind the poem and the need for an introduction. I've also fixed up those two spelling mistakes. As they are minor, I didn't colour the words ... I can do that if you'd like me to.

I will also do the extra verse, Seth and Shab.

Aura for both of you!

Oh, and although I've moved it to the pencil, please feel free to make further suggestions everyone :D

Dek
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« Reply #5 on: 11 May 2010, 03:15:05 »

I'm all for new ideas we haven't had before in Santharia, just always keep in mind to stress the Santharian component if you base texts on the works of others. We need to make sure to be as Santharian as possible, so I welcome further verses which make it even more Santharian.

BTW: I'm not sure about the expression "being a hit" (in the intro), that sounds rather modern to me, but then again, I'm not a native English speaker.
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Shabakuk Zeborius Anfang
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« Reply #6 on: 11 May 2010, 03:29:39 »

Quote
I'm not sure about the expression "being a hit" (in the intro), that sounds rather modern to me

I had the same concern over "I don't know its address", actually. Do Santharians have addresses? It's a shame, 'cause the rhyme with 'confess' works so well ...
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Deklitch Hardin
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« Reply #7 on: 11 May 2010, 03:32:08 »

Actually ... I want to rework that entire verse ... there are a couple of different things I want to try in that one.
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« Reply #8 on: 06 October 2010, 16:34:58 »

Questions for those who've been around for a while (simply as you'd be more likely to know than the newer people)

Do we have a 'Chief Librarian of the Bestiary Section at Lorehaven'? If so, has the person been given a name yet. If we don't or he/she doesn't have a name ... could I come up with a name for the person?

Do we have someone else who might fill a similar role elsewhere in Caelereth ... preferably in the kingdom of Santharia?

Many thanks

Dek
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« Reply #9 on: 06 October 2010, 18:18:54 »

My comments will be in ORANGE.
Suggestions for removal of words will be denoted by a strikethrough.
New words will be denoted by italics.

There's quite a weird creature that we do not often rarely see,
A most peculiar animal that looks down from lives in/hangs from a tree,
It is something like a vilerat and a little like a kuatu
But it is nothing like a gossiper who loves to copy you
So let me teach you its name, so you can draw it near,

This stanza bothers me a little. The first line seems to have too many syllables, and the rhyme of "kuatu" and "you" is what I only know as a "cheap rhyme" (although I'd prefer a more polite sentiment), because why the rhyme is there, it's not a perfect rhyme
Also, the last line, "so you can draw it near" is confusing. In the next stanza, the poem says that it runs in fear when its name is shouted.


It is horned like a Krumhorn, and has teeth like a dark-stryke shark,
And it is coloured like a duscur, it and has a fearsome bark,
It loves to chase children, the elf or human kind,
Or dwarf, gnome, or hobbit, it really will not mind,
Though if you call its name quite loudly, it will run away in fear,

Again, that first line feels like it has too many syllables. If there's some way you could shorten it to something along the lines of "... and has teeth like a shark" or something to that extent, it would read a lot easier.
The addition of the line "Or dwarf, gnome, or hobbit ...", I feel, somewhat cheapens the effect of the previous line.


It lives in social family groupings, with mums and dads and young,
It runs and plays all day and night, having lots of fun

Verse on its habbits, ending with the following

I'd like to see that changed to something like, "It lives in a family, yes just like you,/ with a mummy, and daddy, and little children too," or any variation thereof. I'm a sucker for that sort of stuff, and it'd make it a little more child friendly.

But of course you haven't seen it; and I truthfully must say,
That I haven't seen it either, neither today nor yesterday.
For there isn't such an animal, though there really might have been
If we lived upon a globe, I hope you don't think I'm mean.
It's just a little joke of mine, I hope I've made that crystal clear.
"I hope you don't think I'm mean" has one too many syllables. Is it really necessary to say "crystal clear" rather than just "clear"?


I like the poem, to be honest, although the ending is a little bit of a spoiler. If it's a child's poem, too, you'd want to keep it a mystery of whether it exists or not. You wouldn't make a song about Santa and add in that he doesn't exist right at the end, would you?

It's well-formed, however, with only a few problems with meter and line-structure, but you've got a rhyming structure that's steady (but for the kuatu/you rhyme), and it's a cute idea.

Congratulations.
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« Reply #10 on: 06 October 2010, 19:44:08 »

Thank you so much for your critique and comments on it, Cruciform. :D

Many of them were similar to concerns that I had with regards to it as well.

Just a couple of quick comments:

The dark-stryke shark is an animal in Caelereth, I'll find another animal with sharp teeth ... I'm sure with our researchers that I'll be able to find one or ten of them. I was trying, where possible to refer to specific animals from this world.

"so you can draw it near" was in there simply to lead to the chorus :) I've always meant to change that one, never got around to it. I'll get another word that rhymes.

That last verse has always troubled me ... I know it'll effect Mast Anfang's Masterwork, but revealing it as an imaginary beast seems rather ... cruel.

Have an aura for the trouble you took in reviewing it for me.
« Last Edit: 06 October 2010, 19:52:45 by Deklitch Hardin » Logged

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« Reply #11 on: 06 October 2010, 20:14:30 »

Thanks, Dek! And I checked the Bestiary for the dark stryke shark before I reviewed, hoping that it would just be called a stryke shark, with dark being a variation or something along those lines.
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« Reply #12 on: 07 October 2010, 18:02:53 »

Ok ... I've done a further look through of the bestiary ... and found other animals ... some which actually rhyme with each other, and used a rhyming dictionary to find other words that rhyme with 'Brinitarisanear'.

Open for comments etc again. :)

Edit: Oops ... forgot to change the icon, which has now been changed
« Last Edit: 07 October 2010, 19:02:59 by Deklitch Hardin » Logged

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« Reply #13 on: 07 October 2010, 19:27:54 »

The only thing I can suggest you change is in the line, "It lives in a family, yes just like me and you,/"

I suggest you remove that "yes". It places the line just out of meter.

Other than that, good work, sir!
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« Reply #14 on: 07 October 2010, 21:18:46 »

Thanks for your help again with this, Cruciform. Here's another Aura for you.
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