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Perabium Pelatorium
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« on: 01 November 2010, 19:34:46 »

The Red Letters

This is a small tragedy about love, jealousy and hatred. This story I have written in my school. It took some time to translate this from Croatian, but I think it is a success.

I. Love
[/b]

          In a small kingdom far away, in times of knights and heroes there was a knight with honor and courage filled with love which he was showing to the beautiful princes Almena. Almena returned this to him and they wanted to marry. Every night the two were leaving letters of love to each other. Every night they were meeting at the royal court near the fountain...

II. Jealousy
[/b]

...but then, one day the princes wasn't waiting on the fountain for the knight. He was worrying about her. He was walking trough the palace and then he saw it. Almena was walking with the prince of the neighbors kingdom. The knight was angry, but he understood that it may have a reason. He walked outside. The princes saw him and went after him, but the king saw her and told her that she isn't allowed to leave the castle. The king knew about the love between Almena and the knight, but he hadn't any other choice to marry his  
daughter with the rich prince from the neighbors kingdom. The kings kingdom was poor, their mines and market were drain. The knight was depressed and angry, but then a letter arrives. It wasn't a love letter, it was a letter of explanation. The knight doesn't know shall he believe the words in the letter. The princes has suggested to flee together with him away. They wanted to meet at the bridge below the town, there was a river which they called the Hope's Flow. The knight went down to the bridge and waited, and waited, but the princes doesn't came. At last he gave up and went to her. He was angry and wanted to talk with her. In front of the palace the king was standing. He has forbidden the knight to talk to his daughter. The King told him the princes wanted so. The knight was planing to kill the prince and the princes.

Hatred
[/b]

          The knight went into the palace and killed the prince. The guards were after him. He went to the river but then he was trapped, there was no way out. The river was to deep and to steep to jump in. The knight took out his dagger and a red colored letter. He has penetrated his heart and he fell down into the river. The letter he has trow on the ground. The letter was addressed to the princes. The princes has got the letter, it wasn't a letter of love, it was a letter of forgiveness. The princes was crying and she decided to kill her father. She took the dagger of the knight and she killed her father. At last she wrote a red letter. She trow the letter on the ground and penetrated her heart too. She fell into the water. Next morning a guard has fount a red letter on the ground. This letter was no else as a real letter of true love. heart

I know this story is a little bit bad translated..., but I hope you like it grin
« Last Edit: 02 November 2010, 01:52:18 by Perab- The Phoenix » Logged


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« Reply #1 on: 02 November 2010, 14:14:05 »

Colour of MY SKIN WHEN I SCRATCH IT REAL HARD AND THE BLOOD SHOWS THROUGH THE EPIDERMIS FROM THE CAPILLARIES is the colour of choice for editing and comments.

A note, also, on BBCode. On these forums, you need to make sure that your
tags go outside the tags in order to center and bold your text properly.
Before you actually hit 'Post' or 'Submit', do a 'Preview' of your post and make sure that all the text is displayed properly.

The Red Letters

This is a small tragedy about love, jealousy and hatred. This story I have written in my school. It took some time to translate this from Croatian, but I think it is a success. As a brief note; after reading this, there's nothing that seems distinctly Santharian, but I'll get to that later.

I. Love

In a small kingdom far away, in times of knights and heroes there was a knight with honour (It's not an urgent problem, and isn't really much of a problem at all, but try to remember that (I'm pretty sure) we don't use American English here) and courage filled with love which he was showing to the beautiful princess, Almena. Almena returned this to him and they wanted to marry. Every night, the two were leaving left (Stick to the active voice, past tense, and common terms where you can) letters of love to each other. Every night, they were meeting at the royal court near the fountain...
II. Jealousy

...but then, one day, the princess wasn't waiting on at/by the fountain for the knight. He was worrying worried about her. He was walking through the palace and then he saw it. (The two sentences before this are far too blunt, and the "and then he saw it" is a little vague. Try to imagine yourself as a verbal storyteller; This is clearly a story told in speech, so you need to try for tension and drama. Stay away from common terms like "it," especially since you're referring to Almena) Almena was walking with the prince of the neighbour's kingdom. The knight was angry, but he understood that it may have a reason. He walked outside. The princess saw him and went after him (Again, this is extremely blunt. Use something like, "tried to follow him" or some such), but the king saw her and told her that she isn't wasn't allowed to leave the castle. The king knew about the love between Almena and the knight, but he hadn't any other choice than to marry his  
daughter with the rich prince from the neighbors neighbouring kingdom. The king's kingdom was poor, their mines and market were drained. The knight was depressed and angry, but then a letter arrives arrived (This happens far too quickly. See my Second Note below). It wasn't a love letter,; it was a letter of explanation. The knight doesn't didn't know shall if he believed the words in the letter. The princess has suggested to flee together elope with him away. They wanted were to meet at the bridge below the town, where there was a river which they called the Hope's Flow. The knight went (See my Third Note below) down to the bridge and waited, and waited, but the princess doesn't came didn't come. At last, he gave up and went to her. He was angry and wanted to talk with her. In front of the palace, the King was standing (Was he just standing there? Was he standing on a road, or at a podium? Just standing doesn't seem like something that royalty does). He has had forbidden the knight to talk to his daughter. The King told him the princess wanted so. The knight was planning to kill the prince and the princess (This knight is starting to come off as a bit of a psycho. Refer to my First Note below).

III. Hatred

The knight went into the palace and killed the prince (Just like that? Did they fight, or did the knight slice open the prince as he slept? Just "killing" isn't very knightly or honourable). The guards were after him. He went to the river but then he was trapped,; there was no way out. The river was too deep and too steep (I don't understand what the steepness of the river has to do with it. Do you mean that it's too far down? In that case, you mean too high) to jump in. The knight took out his dagger and a red coloored letter. He has penetrated his heart and he fell down into the river. The letter, he has trow threw on the ground. The letter was addressed to the princess. The princess has got found the letter,; it wasn't a letter of love, it was a letter of forgiveness. The princess was crying and she decided to kill her father (Again, First Note. She comes off as a bit nuts here). She took the dagger of the knight and she killed her father (This is blunt and sounds boring and repetitive. As above, how does she kill him? In his sleep, or while he's standing?). At last, she wrote a red letter. She trow threw the letter on the ground and penetrated her heart too. She fell into the water. The next morning, a guard has fount found a the red letter on the ground. This letter was no else as a (I can't work out what this part means) real letter of true love. heart

First Note. On Fairy Tales, Santharia, and English.
For starters, I know that English isn't your first language, and I hope I haven't discouraged you too much with my commentary. I'll also say that I'm not a master of Fiction (though I'd like to be), and I'm not a master of Santharian "fanfiction" (which is why I won't be writing it), but the English language is my forté, and grammar is my greatest strength when it comes to the English language.

Now, the major problem with your story here is the confusion. At a first impression, it appears to be a fairy tale, but as the reader continues, it becomes quite violent, blunt, and a little horrid. The knight becomes a bit of a clingy, stalker type and the princess kills her father out of nowhere.

The second largest problem is that it's not really distinctly Santharian. It's a fantasy story, clearly, with knights and castles, but other than that, there's nothing that really fits into Santharia. I'm not sure if the Hope's Flow is a river in Santharia already, although I will say that Almena sounds like she might fit into Avennorian culture.

Again, on the note of the fairy tale, you need to make a choice. If you want to keep the semi-psychotic acts of murder, I suggest you remove the beginning: "In a small kingdom far away, in times of knights and heroes there was a knight with honor and courage filled with love which he was showing to the beautiful princes Almena." and replace it with something a little more suitable.

Second Note. On Storytellers.
The third largest problem with the story is that it's far too short. I read my four year old niece stories when she has to go to bed, and my throat starts to hurt when I finish. Most of the stories I read her take about 15 minutes.

A storyteller needs an extremely powerful throat, because their ballads and tragedies and dramas and comedies are long and it's an extremely laborious process for the throat. This is a story that would be performed for an audience, perhaps in the court of wealthy men, for example, at a fancy dinner, to point out the flaws in royalty so that rich men would feel lucky being rich but not regal.

So you need more tension and drama. You need more flair and description. As it is now, you tell us what happened, but that's it. There's nothing wrong with the base storyline, but you need to dress it up a little. Storytellers that tell a story that is bland and short would probably be boo'd off the stage and have knives and fruit thrown at them. For the sake of storytellers like myself, add some more description.

Third Note. On "went" and other blunt terminology.
As I began to touch on above, a lot of this is blunt, but the majority of the bluntness is in the individual words you use, like "went" and "killed".

Rather than saying that the princess killed the King, perhaps say that "she ran him through with her knife as he slept, before cutting open her own chest and falling to the ground beside her father's bed".

It just needs a little more flair and deviation from bluntness.

DISCLAIMER: And please, don't take any of my judgments too harshly. I mean well. Don't get discouraged.
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Perabium Pelatorium
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« Reply #2 on: 02 November 2010, 18:03:27 »

Hey Cruci, what you have done is that you only helped me, I respect this and I thank you very much that you have taken time to correct my "story". And you must know, I am not called Phoenix just for fun, I will correct my entry and fill it with some more description and remove the useless blunt words ;) grin thumbup
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