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Author Topic: Klas and the Bear, a Hearthsdays present  (Read 4077 times)
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Valan Nonesuch
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« on: 24 December 2010, 09:04:39 »

This endearing tale is one of Gaffer Klas, one of several halfling folk heroes collectively called the Blessedvales. While they are occasionally confusing to the Big Folk, the Blessedvales are not deities, merely well respected and politely revered by hobbits. Gaffer Klas is not a well known Blessedvale outside of Helmondsshire, but the story of Klas and the Bear is told during the festival of Hearthdays, sometimes known as Klastide, without fail. The story has lost some of its charm in the translation to the page, and we apologize for this.


Gather 'round young and old, gather round the hearth, for outside is cold! And for the winter's cold, a remedy I has, a tale of Gaffer Klas!

Klas, as well you know, was a blacksmith, with arms as big around as tree branches, a chest as wide across as a cask and hands the size of hoglings. His beard was white as snow, and trailed down past his belt, and the hair on his toes was curly and white too! And clever was Klas, with his eyes bright and his belly large, but even Klas could not have seen the winter coming.

A winter to end winters, with snow to cover the windows of hole and house alike. Snow piled high enough to make the Big Folk wade through it like marsh muck! Snow, piled so high to cover entire doors and leave poor hobbits trapped!

But not Klas, for big though he was, and old though he was, his step was light and his feet were nimble and clever as his hands.

The winds of the winter tore the leaves off of the trees and blew the teeth out of old gaffers' mouths but didn't bother Klas. He took a shovel and dug out the poor folk stuck in their houses. A few, who thought themselves quite clever, had tried to climb out of chimneys only to find themselves stuck, and Klas helped pull them out as well.

A winter so cold and bitter it froze over the great river Vandrina, and all the ponds and creeks from here to the forest. And out of the cold and the dark of the winter came the wolves.

Aye, wolves! Great black beasts the size of a pony, they slunk out of mountains to the east and across the Vandrina and into the Shire. The wolves had eaten everything in the mountains that they could find, and picked the bones bare! Everything else had fled the dreadful Winter coming out of the North. And the wolves came into the Shire and feasted on the hoglings and ponies and hobbits alike!

Klas stood at his forge, banging his hammer, pumping the bellows all the while. Klas did not heed the winter, for his forge kept him warm. And the folk came to Klas and said "Klas, save us from the wolves!" And while Klas was strong and clever, even he knew he could not fight the wolves.

So Klas stood at his forge, banging his hammer and pumping the bellows. And the folk watched as Klas made something. And when Klas was done banging his hammer and pumping the bellows he had an axe. And the folk said "Surely with such a great axe, Klas will save us from the wolves".

But Klas did not go to kill the wolves. He went and he chopped down a tree. And he dragged the tree back to the forge and threw the head of the axe back into the fire of his forge.

And once again the folk of the shire came to Klas and said "Klas, save us from the wolves!" But Klas simply stood at his forge, banging his hammer and pumping his bellows. And the folk watched as Klas made something else. And when Klas was done, he had made a saw. And the folk said "What will Klas do with a saw to save us from the wolves?" And with his saw, he sawed the tree into boards, and then threw the saw back into the fire of his forge.

Klas banged his hammer and pumped the bellows of his forge, and the folk came a third time and said "Klas, save us from the wolves!" When Klas had finished, the folk looked and saw that Klas had made a barrel. And one of them said to Klas "What will you do with a barrel to save us from the wolves, Klas?" But Klas merely swung the barrel over his back, picked up a branch from the tree he had cut down with his axe and walked out to find the wolves.

Klas did not have to walk long until he heard the wolves howling to one another, and so Klas howled back, louder than all the wolves. And the wolves chased after Klas. Klas led the wolves to the mouth of a cave, and there he stood, and he put down the barrel at the mouth of the cave. Out of the barrel, he took some meat and this he laid on the snow. And he broke the barrel, and burned it to cook the meat, but the lid of the barrel Klas saved. The wolves smelled the meat and saw Klas' fire and came running.
And as the wolves came running, Klas took the lid of the barrel and he held it in one hand and with the stick he'd taken from the tree he banged on the lid like a drum. The wolves were frightened by the noise, but not for long.

It seemed as though the wolves would have Klas for their supper after all, but Klas was clever. The cave he had led the wolves to was home to the great Bear of Winter, and the Bear was King of all the beasts of winter. Kuatu and mice and hares all hid from the great Bear, birds flew south at the sound of his snores. The Bear of Winter had gone to sleep after the snow had fallen, and now Klas was standing outside his cave, banging and making all sorts of horrible noise.

The great Bear of Winter roared and the wolves worried for a moment. Had they fled there, the wolves might have lived. Klas continued his banging, and the Bear came out of the cave. And such a bear it was, with paws as big as your head, fur like a blizzard and claws like great knives. His tremendous roar caused the snow to shake from the trees and the wolves quaked with fear. And the bear struck at the wolves, thinking they had made all the noise, and killed every last one of them, and went back to sleep.

Now Klas was strong and so he broke the necks of every last one of the wolves to make sure they were dead. And he tied all of the wolves to the hoops of his barrel, and put the hoops across his stick and dragged them all back home.

All the folk had surely thought Klas dead, and so no one was expecting Klas back at his forge. And he worked quickly and quietly all through the night, banging his hammer, and pumping the bellows of his forge. And with the hoops of the barrel he threw back into the fire. He banged his hammer and pumped the bellows of his forge, and made a knife. With the knife, Klas skinned the wolves, gutted them and took the meat from their bones.

Klas ran quick as a rabbit from house to house, delivering wolf skin blankets and sausage for roasting to the homes of the poor hobbits that had suffered from the wolves. In through windows and down chimneys Klas delivered his packages, and as the sun crept over the hills, Klas returned to his forge.
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« Reply #1 on: 24 December 2010, 16:45:49 »

Okay, so I read this before, and then I left, and now I'm back and I have nachos and Mother and I'm ready to disband all the things you said wrong about wolves while I'm on a break from whatever it is I've been doing. There's a few of them.

Crucifixion in RED.

I've gone through and put in all my suggestions, and I have a short disclaimer. If I sound harsh anywhere through this, please take any harshness with a grain of sugar (not salt... that might make it worse). I don't mean to sound rude or harsh. It's just a tone that my fingers take when they begin to... <that word that has to do with what I'm doing here> proofread! That's the one!

This endearing tale, (no comma) is one of Gaffer Klas, one of several halfling folk heroes collectively called the Blessedvales. While occasionally confusing to the Big Folk, the Blessedvales are not deities, (this comm here is confusing with the other comma before it.) ; they are merely well respected and politely revered by hobbits. Gaffer Klas is not a well known Blessedvale, but the story of Klas and the Bear is told during the festival of Hearthdays, sometimes known as Klastide, without fail. The story has lost some of its charm in the translation to the page, and we apologize for this.


Gather 'round (I'd really like to see an "O my brothers" here... but that's just obsession... ignore me here) young and old, gather round the hearth, for outside is cold! And for the winter's cold, a remedy I has, a tale of Gaffer Klas!

Klas, as well you know (no we don't, and if it's a translation to page, if it's a translation to compendium, then the people who read it WON'T know), was a blacksmith, with arms as big around as tree branches, a chest as wide across as a cask (I had to look this up. This confused me. To me, a cask is a little box. However, now I know that it's a barrel) and hands as wide as hoglings. His beard was white as snow, and trailed down past his belt (this seems dangerous for a blackbeard. Remember what happened to Hagrid when he got Norbert? Yeah... fire), and the hair on his toes was curly and white too! And (if it's a translation to page, try not to start too many sentences with prepositions. I'm sure there'd be variations on the story, so) Not to mention that clever was Klas, with his eyes bright and his belly large, but even Klas could not have seen the winter coming (... what? You go from clever to his eyes and belly, and then back to something that would be linked to his cleverness. Independent clauses, when linked by a preposition should be linked by content and theme. The comment on his eyes and belly is a tangent).

A It was a (starting with "It was a" is a lot more dramatic in speech than just "a") winter to end winters, with snow to cover the windows of hole and house alike. Snow piled high enough to make the Big Folk wade through it like marsh muck! Snow, piled so high to cover entire doors and leave poor hobbits trapped! (I'll ignore the fact that this last sentence is a fragment because you

(preposition, but it can slide because of its use. There still shouldn't be so many fragments and prepositionary starts in an adaptation) But not Klas, for big though he was, and old though he was, his step was light and his feet were nimble and as (without this, you're saying his feet were "clever as his hands" which sounds like he uses his feet AS HIS HANDS) clever as his hands.

The winds of the winter tore the leaves off of (this is a wasted syllable. You want this to be drama packed, which means the storyteller would say it rather quickly. You don't want them to be out of breath) the trees and blew the teeth out of old gaffers mouths... (drama!) but didn't bother Klas. He took a shovel and dug out the poor folk stuck in their houses. A few, who thought themselves quite clever, had tried to climb out of chimneys only to find themselves stuck, and Klas helped pull them out as well.

A It was a winter so cold and bitter it froze over the great river Vandrina, and all the ponds and creeks from here to the forest. And out of the cold and the dark of the winter came the wolves. (the prepositionary start is fine here. If you take away any, at least keep this one)

Aye, wolves! Great black beasts the size of a pony, they slunk out of mountains to the east and across the Vandrina and into the Shire. The wolves had eaten everything in the mountains that they could find, and picked the bones bare (wolves eat bones. In winter, all they would find would be mice and perhaps rabbits and hares. They would eat the bones)! Everything else had fled the dreadful Winter coming out of the North (that's right, but why do you say "everything else"? You didn't specify anything except "everything they could find". "All life had fled" perhaps?). And the wolves came into the Shire and feasted on the hoglings and ponies and hobbit alike! (the prepositionary start here is bad. Also, because this is a story "designed" for vocals, I'll ignore the "came into the Shire" since wolves don't do that).

Klas stood at his forge, banging his hammer, pumping the bellows all the while. Klas did not heed the winter, for his forge kept him warm (again, this is dangerous. Klas does not seem clever. He would sweat near his forge, and it would likely freeze on his skin as soon as he had to go somewhere else). And t The folk came to Klas and said "Klas, save us from the wolves!" And while Klas was strong and clever, even he knew he could not fight the wolves.

So Klas stood at his forge, banging his hammer and pumping the bellows. And the folk watched as Klas made something. And when Klas was done banging his hammer and pumping the bellows he had an axe. And the folk said "Surely with such a great axe, Klas will save us from the wolves".

But Klas did not go to kill the wolves. He went and he chopped down a tree. And he dragged the tree back to the forge and threw the head of the axe back into the fire of his forge.

And once again the folk of the shire came to Klas and said "Klas, save us from the wolves!" But Klas simply stood at his forge, banging his hammer and pumping his bellows. And the folk watched as Klas made something else. And when Klas was done, he had made a saw. And the folk said "What will Klas do with a saw to save us from the wolves?" And with his saw, he sawed the tree into boards, and then threw the saw back into the fire of his forge.

Klas banged his hammer and pumped the bellows of his forge, and the folk came a third time and said "Klas, save us from the wolves!" When Klas had finished, the folk looked and saw that Klas had made a barrel. And one of them said to Klas "What will you do with a barrel to save us from the wolves Klas?" But Klas merely swung the barrel over his back, picked up a branch from the tree he had cut down with his axe (redundant. We know what he cut the tree down with. There aren't many things he COULD have cut the tree down with) and walked out to find the wolves.

Klas did not have to walk long until he heard the wolves howling to one another, and so Klas howled back, louder than all the wolves (this would make them extremely wary). And the wolves chased after Klas (so they wouldn't do this straight away. Also, prepositionary start). Klas led (a man cannot lead a wolf. Perhaps he drew them to the cave by howling?) the wolves to the mouth of a cave, and (and) there he stood, and (and) he put down the barrel at the mouth of the cave. Out of the barrel, he took some meat and this he laid on the snow. And (and) he broke the barrel, and burned it (with his eyes? With his manliness? With prayer?) to cook the meat, but the lid of the barrel Klas saved (as well as the bands, right? Because those are a plot device, so they should be mentioned). The wolves smelled the meat and saw Klas' fire and came running. (I don't think they did. Wolves prefer rotting meat, and animals in general won't eat something hot. The smell of cooking meat and the site of smoke would warn them that there were humans/hobbits. They would stay away. Perhaps, due to his howling, they might come close, but in general, wolves stay away from fire. This wouldn't happen)

And as the wolves came running, Klas took the lid of the barrel and he held it in one hand and with the stick he'd taken from the tree he banged on the lid like a drum. The wolves were frightened by the noise, but not for long. (wolves are terrified of noise and light. Sharp noises would keep them away and would probably convince them to turn around and attack the now vulnerable hobbits)

It seemed as though the wolves would have Klas for their supper after(space!)all, but Klas was clever. The cave he had led the wolves to was home to the great Bear of Winter, and the Bear was King of all the beasts of winter. Kuatu and mice and hares all hid from the great Bear, birds flew south at the sound of his waking (birds usually fly south for the winter, do they not? So wouldn't they fly south at the sound of his sleeping?). The Bear of Winter had gone to sleep after the snow had fallen, and now Klas was standing outside his cave, banging and making all sorts of horrible noise.

The great Bear of Winter roared and the wolves worried for a moment (noise = bad. Wolves have excellent memories. Now, depending on the bravado of the Alpha wolf and the number of wolves in the pack, they might think, "Hey, we know a bear lives here. And if we kill the bear, we can eat for the rest of the winter". But they probably wouldn't think that). Had they fled there and then, the wolves might have lived.
(new paragraph. The previous sentence sounds like it would fade out to a short hesitation)
Klas continued his banging, and the Bear came out of the cave. (this prepositionary start following is okay) And such a bear it was, with paws as big as your head, fur like a blizzard and claws like kitchen knives. His great roar caused the snow to shake from the trees and the wolves quaked with fear. And the bear struck at the wolves, thinking they had made all the noise, and killed every last one of them, and went back to sleep. (1. where is Klas when this happens? Did he dive out of the way? The way I imagined, he was standing in front of the cave. 2. Bears are not stupid. If he is the Bear of Winter, he would know things like what a wolf sounds like. In his irritation he might kill them, but he would not be mistaken, I do not think. That makes him look stupid. 3. Did the wolves just take that? They would either flee or they would fight. If the alpha wolf was killed, they would flee. So what happens to them? Killing every last one of them makes me think there aren't that many of them, which makes me think that, as a pack, they're not that dangerous)

Now Klas was strong and so he broke the necks of every last one of the wolves to make sure they were dead (I don't like Klas. He does things that are potentially dangerous, doesn't treat the people's needs as a high enough priority, and he doesn't just check to make sure the wolves are dead... he breaks their necks as well). And (and... bad prepositionary start here) he tied all of the wolves to the hoops of his barrel (he burned the barrel, and if he only saved the lid, then he doesn't have any hoops/bands left), and put the hoops (repetition) of the barrel across his stick and dragged them all back home.

All the folk had surely thought Klas dead, and so no one was expecting Klas back at his forge. And h He worked quickly and quietly all through the night, banging his hammer, and pumping the bellows of his forge. And with t The hoops of the barrel, (comma) he threw back into the fire. He banged his hammer and pumped the bellows of his forge, and made a knife. With the knife, Klas skinned the wolves, gutted them and took the meat from their bones.

Klas ran quick as a rabbit (that's pretty quick, and it gives an odd image for the way that he runs. When you use an animal simile for something like running, you don't just give an image of speed, but you give an image of form as well. I can't imagine a big man moving like a rabbit... it's just weird) from house to house, delivering wolf skin blankets and wolf for roasting to the homes of the poor hobbits that had suffered from the wolves. In through windows and down chimneys Klas delivered his packages, and as the sun crept over the hills, Klas returned to his forge.[/size]
(in winter, wolves are extremely lean because they live off mice and rabbits and small rodents like that. In autumn, their coats start to lose quality because the animals they hunt are beginning to migrate. So, in the winter, you have crappy coats and not much meat. As I said earlier, I imagine it's quite a small pack being that the bear was able to kill all of the wolves, so there can't have been that much meat... not in my mind for it.
Also, wolf meat is terrible and has none of the nutrients we need. They eat herbivores and take all the nutrients into their bodies. That's why we can't eat carnivores. There's no leftover nutrients, so the meat would fill you up, but you can't live on it. You would, quite simply, die with a full stomach. Also, the Japanese used to eat yomainu, which were "evil" mountain wolves. They said they would eat it to gain courage, but also that the meat was very tough)


To recap: a lot of what you've said about the wolves can be put down to storytelling, yes. The preposition use at the start of your sentences is a bit over the top, and even in a vocalised story, there wouldn't be that many sentences starting like that.

In every sentence, you should be thinking about what it sounds like when spoken out loud, and make sure that there aren't extra words that don't need to be there. But also remember that this is a translation to "page" as you said, and that it does need to conform to general form and grammar.

It's a fine story, but Klas is... questionable... as a character. I don't like him, as I said earlier. There's a reason blacksmiths don't have beards. There's also a use for a blacksmith's massive muscles, and if he can't fight the wolves, he could at least rally the people to form a large force.

Another note: if the wolves saw that it was one man, they would attack and leave the carcass. They wouldn't drag it off. They would leave it because of the threat of the bear. Because they prefer rotting meat, they would come back a few days later and eat their fill while the bear was asleep again, and they would kill a bunch of hobbits and leave them to rot as well.
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« Reply #2 on: 24 December 2010, 23:12:20 »

I think I'll just expand on this from hobbit-y point of view. A hobbit is a very small person, about the size of a ten year old. They're not keen on fighting, so what they have going for them is cleverness and wits. Had Klas gone to fight the wolves, I think they would have killed him to be honest.

While purely from a meta perspective, Klas may actually have been an Eyelian beastmaster living among the halflings, and so could have persuaded the bear not to eat him.

Chalk the little "errors" (like working in the forge leading to Klas being dead from the cold) to dramatic licsence.
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« Reply #3 on: 25 December 2010, 00:28:09 »

Well, the sweat I can understand not being a problem. I think I had a picky nerve to fight past with that one, but the beard is almost definitely a no-go for a blacksmith. You should also clarify something to do with size with the wolf pack. Four to eight wolves wouldn't attack a large settlement, but that's how big I imagine the pack being. If it's bigger than that, I don't think the bear would kill all of them. That just doesn't make sense.

So, "3. Did the wolves just take that? They would either flee or they would fight. If the alpha wolf was killed, they would flee. So what happens to them? Killing every last one of them makes me think there aren't that many of them, which makes me think that, as a pack, they're not that dangerous" still stands.

"I don't like Klas. He does things that are potentially dangerous, doesn't treat the people's needs as a high enough priority, and he doesn't just check to make sure the wolves are dead... he breaks their necks as well" and "It's a fine story, but Klas is... questionable... as a character" also still stand (except for the big about the priorities).

No sane person would break the neck of something "to make sure it's dead". If you're going to go that close to something and put your hand near its mouth, you may as well just put your hand on its chest and feel for its heartbeat. Breaking its neck is just cruel. Surely hobbits (being a creation of Man) would understand that wolves are lesser creatures than humans (this is a lie. Wolves are the protectors of Earth) and not deserving of cruelty like that.

The sane approach to a "pest" (because they aren't) like that would be to kill it quickly and be done.

My notes on the eating of wolf meat still stands also, as well as Klas being a single hobbit; they would kill him rather than watch him make noise, especially due to this: "The wolves were frightened by the noise, but not for long."

They would kill him and leave if they had to. There is no doubt about that.
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« Reply #4 on: 25 December 2010, 03:30:08 »

Valan, I loved the story. :D  Wonder though, if gnomes would be a better fit (beards, blacksmiths, etc)  This is an excellent story for hobbits to tell and create a holiday from.  I can just picture a crowd of hobbity kids gathered round a fireplace with a wizened old hobbit telling the story in dramatic fashion with sound effects and such, while the children "ooh"-ed and "ahh"-ed with each dramatic scenario.

Cruci, I bow to your editorial knowledge.  Truly, you have a great understanding of the English language.  On the other hand, you seem to have missed the whimsy that this is supposed to inspire, as Valan wrote it.  This is a "fairytale" not a National Geographic special on wolves and bears. buck  Also, as this story is told from a hobbit POV within a Hobbit culture, I think the "As you know..." would be appropriate.

I would hate to have had you edit The Brothers Grimm's Hansel and Gretel or Sleeping Beauty.

Quote
The following morning, the family treks into the woods. Hansel takes a slice of bread and leaves a trail of bread crumbs for them to follow home. A family of people who lived in the wilderness would know that many animals would eat the bread crumbs thus a trail of breadcrumbs would be useless. However, after they are once again abandoned, they find that the birds have eaten the crumbs and they are lost in the woods. After days of wandering, they follow a beautiful white bird to a clearing in the woods, and discover a cottage built of bread and cakes with windowpanes of clear sugar.  The structural integrity of bread and cakes would not support a structure that large.  Perhaps write that a wooden structure was constructed and that a thin veneer of icing was placed upon it to make it appear to be a house of bread and cake Hungry and tired, the children begin to eat the rooftop of the house, when the door opens and a "very old woman" emerges and lures the children inside, with the promise of soft beds and delicious food. Their hostess is a "wicked witch" who waylays children to cook and eat them.


Quote
The king forbade spinning on distaff or spindle, or the possession of one, upon pain of death, throughout the kingdom, but all in vain. When the princess was fifteen or sixteen she chanced to come upon an old woman in a tower of the castle, who was spinning.Would not the king have noticed a spindle in one of his own towers when they had been banned in all the land? The Princess asked to try the unfamiliar task and the inevitable happened. The wicked fairy's curse was fulfilled. The good fairy returned and put everyone in the castle to sleep. A forest of briars sprang up around the castle, shielding it from the outside world: no one could try to penetrate it without facing certain death in the thorns.

After a hundred years had passed, a prince who had heard the story of the enchantment braved the wood, which parted at his approach, and entered the castle. He trembled upon seeing the princess's beauty and fell on his knees before her. He kissed her, then she woke up, then everyone in the castle woke to continue where they had left off. Without the invention of feeding tubes, everyone in a coma would have long died, not to mention that when they awoke, they still would have been over 100 years old.  Muscles would have atrophied in the years prior, and a full physiotheropedic regimen would have been needed before any of them could walk again, if ever.

Maybe we could forgive the inconsistencies in the story in order to let it be the "fairytale" Valan wanted it to be?  Though, many of your grammar issues could probably be incorporated in order to make the flow better and clearer.

All of this, however, is my simple observations and opinions and need not be heeded. :D
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« Reply #5 on: 25 December 2010, 03:31:24 »

hmmmm ... blacksmiths and beards are a no-no?

What about dwarfs who are smiths? Don't they have beards?

I liked this story, Valan ... makes me want to write an entry on a wolf that behaves like this :D
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« Reply #6 on: 25 December 2010, 03:56:25 »

Bless you Alt, you've hit the nail right on the head. And said things a great deal more politely and succintly than I could have I think.

I'll admit, I had a little trouble figuring on a profession for Klas, but I can't see gnomes having a figure like this one.

I'll deal with the grammar presently (I'm the first to admit I'm overfond of commas) though I prefer to keep some of the errors intact for the sake of the structure of the narrative. Repetition is important to any folk story or fairy tale, especially if it's told aloud.
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« Reply #7 on: 25 December 2010, 05:02:33 »

(I'm the first to admit I'm overfond of commas) though I prefer to keep some of the errors intact for the sake of the structure of the narrative. Repetition is important to any folk story or fairy tale, especially if it's told aloud.
Life advice: if in doubt, leave it out. In English, this applies to commas and apostrophes for the most part. =D

As for the errors, I pointed out some of the prepositionary (<-- this should be a word) starts that you should most definitely keep, but as I said, a lot of them should be removed because, quite frankly, there are a lot of them.

Repetition: yes, always important in storytelling, but words like "and" and "but" should be treated like "um". Don't say them too often or you'll look foolish, and definitely try not to start sentences with them.

hmmmm ... blacksmiths and beards are a no-no?

What about dwarfs who are smiths? Don't they have beards?

I liked this story, Valan ... makes me want to write an entry on a wolf that behaves like this :D
I imagine it would be a short beard, and certainly not one that reached past the base of the neck, at most. Fire + Hair = Danger and a bad smell! :O

Cruci, I bow to your editorial knowledge.  Truly, you have a great understanding of the English language.  On the other hand, you seem to have missed the whimsy that this is supposed to inspire, as Valan wrote it.  This is a "fairytale" not a National Geographic special on wolves and bears. buck  Also, as this story is told from a hobbit POV within a Hobbit culture, I think the "As you know..." would be appropriate.

Maybe we could forgive the inconsistencies in the story in order to let it be the "fairytale" Valan wanted it to be?  Though, many of your grammar issues could probably be incorporated in order to make the flow better and clearer.

All of this, however, is my simple observations and opinions and need not be heeded. :D
Thank you for your compliment, sir! I am truly grateful. *Doffs hat and bows and makes a fuss* :) I do have a very good understanding, don't I? Sometimes I take it for walks.

However, I know that it is not written about the behaviour of wolves and bears, but I find that some of the plot points are very inconsistent with what makes sense. A lot of what happens in this story isn't said, and what isn't said is that everyone just stands around. The townspeople stand and watch Klas do a bunch of stuff in montage. For the purposes of storytelling, I can suspend my disbelief long enough to believe that the wolves are not killing townsfolk while this goes on.

Klas apparently stands by while the bear kills "all" the wolves, which, again, makes me think there aren't that many of them. The wolves apparently stand by while the bear kills them. Klas then BREAKS THE NECKS OF THE WOLVES. Things are true in a story because the author says they are and these things should be backed up so I care about it, but the wolves being dead doesn't need to be backed up by a character performing a cruel act where nobody can see him. Saying that the bear killed them is enough. Really.

As you know, Altario, this story is not written for hobbits. It is spoken for hobbits and written for other people. Thus, you would not see the "as you know" since the people reading it DON'T KNOW.

And I have to reiterate my point on the wolf meat. That's just... no. It wouldn't happen.
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« Reply #8 on: 25 December 2010, 05:22:42 »

Cruciform, while I appreciate your suggestions with regards to grammar and structure, you've been heard. At this point, whether or not to incorporate the suggestions you have made is up to the author. And I can't stress enough that in any situation, a comment or uri-check is at best a suggestion. While suggestions from experts or long-standing members should perhaps be taken more seriously, it is up to the author to integrate them, just as it is up to the moderators, the experts and the long-standing members to try to help them integrate the entry into the world.

Now, you've said your piece, kindly keep your comments to yourself. You are the only person thusfar who has a problem with these inconsitencies and, sad as it is to say, it is not up to you whether or not this particular story will find its way on to the site.
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« Reply #9 on: 25 December 2010, 05:37:12 »

Quote
As you know, Altario, this story is not written for hobbits. It is spoken for hobbits and written for other people. Thus, you would not see the "as you know" since the people reading it DON'T KNOW.

Hmmm... your argument, though I do not agree, reminds me of my own argument against quotes in entries that are written with an accent.  An entry with a quote is NOT the same as a post on the RP side that is a true representation of that characters speech.

But, I lost that argument. :)
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« Reply #10 on: 25 December 2010, 12:16:55 »

No animosity here, hopefully? We certainly don't want to have to fetch the gestapo, yous twos.  police

Well, Valan, I liked the little phrase at the commencement of it. Some pretty decent halfling gab right there. Can't find much trouble with it, and I like the flow, so good work Valan!
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« Reply #11 on: 23 January 2011, 23:32:52 »

I've taken what I can from the comments Cruci made.
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« Reply #12 on: 26 January 2011, 06:04:42 »

- I recommend here as well to state in the teaser/intro that we're talking about the Helmondsshire, maybe even set a rough historical context (century would be enough), simply for embedding reasons. To establish the origins better, to make it clearer where Klas is especially prominently present in the hearts and minds of the hobbits.

Small corrections:

- ...and blew the teeth out of old gaffers' mouths but didn't bother Klas.

- ...and feasted on the hoglings and ponies and hobbits alike.

- "What will you do with a barrel to save us from the wolves, Klas?"

- It seemed as though the wolves would have Klas for their supper after all...

- Conclusion: Like it very much, I don't really mind possible inconsistencies - after all it's a hobbit tale, a tale told in the evening by the fire to make young hobbits gasp in awe and make the hobbits feel better about themselves. And as is the case with many a legend: It might be partly invented or exaggerated, but it serves the purpose pretty well. So from my point of view no problems with this story, it is nicely told, and also is a very helpful addition to the Klas entry. :)

- Can only give an aura per day, but you'll get another one as soon as I can for this lovely tale, Valan!  thumbup
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« Reply #13 on: 26 January 2011, 23:52:03 »

Fixed!
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« Reply #14 on: 27 January 2011, 04:22:12 »

And hereby marked for integration!  grin
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