Troi Ciosa: Founder of a Nation

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[Artimidor Federkiel]

School's first, Ath! Take your time with this one, no problem! 

[Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels]

Push

[Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr]

Thanks Ta'lia. I hadn't forgotten, and I made some edits when I was supposed to be revising, but I lost them Shouldn't have made them straight in IE.

Edits will be forthcoming, presumably in the liminal - love that word - space between GCSE exams and GCSE results.

Ath

[Deklitch Hardin]

I have changed your icon here back to the pencil, Athviaro, as I can see you are working on your edits to it. I'll give it another look over once you've attended to Talia's comments. Also, best of luck for your GCSEs.

[Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr]

Thanks Dek

[Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr]

Ta'lia;

I've dealt with most of your comments; there were too many to go through them here like I usually do, but you can see where I've edited in orange.

Just a couple of points to make - anything you don't understand, such as why I left something/edited in the way I did, please ask:

1) I don't see what's wrong with my description of why women were on board - it looks just like yours, but with a reason for the social expectation, so I left that.

2) Numbers. I added two ships; also note that there were "six-score" on Ciosa's vessel, so your use of 100 is inaccurate.

With 120 on Ciosa's vessel and 100 on each of the others, we have 320 explorers. There are a few children when they start, who are now young men and women of 15-18.

Take your proportions, we have 225 men, 80 women and 15 children. Say the children are 50-50 split, we have numbers on arrival of 232 men, 87 women. Our 7 who started as children are all fertile young women. Of our 80, assuming they were mainly fit young women to start with, we have maybe 30% (40% is too high, remember how they probably started from 15, not 18) no longer able to bear children, so we have 56+7=63 who are still fertile. Add to that 232 men, we say none of the women fail to find a husband. We also say that to inprint yourself and survive --> Breed. So all 63 of our women want to get pregnant. Just to make the numbers easier, and to placate to non-matching possibilty, we'll cut the "3" and say that 60 women got pregnant. 20 fail gives us 40 live births. Two years later we have another round, again of 40: we now have 80 births. Of each 40, 10 fail in infancy, giving us 30 with the first found and 30 with the second. A third lot comes a well, adding another 30, and giving a total of 90 children between the ages of 0 and 6 after 5 or 6 years. Children in such a community help young, and have to help young.

There may be more, but I think that's all. Anything you want explained -> Ask

Ath

[Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels]

Oh, that's not yet up? 
I'll look at your cult first though, later!

[Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr]

Still not up...

[Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels]

Hey Ath! You are nearly finished!

This is a very well done entry, maybe a bit too many narrative parts for my taste, but as Artimidor puts them in italics, I suppose, it is fine as it is. There are many things I could praise here, too many I like (the description of Ciosa's personality is one of them), so it needs to be a general  

There are two things left:

Could you please alter one word?    were to seemed

The Glandorians were very scornful of the Darians, both the ones at the foot of the mountains and the ones in their immediate area - the "primitive" tribes carried no weapons of warand had no military structure; rather, they seemed simple, almost round-faced folk with very little in the way of anything beyond a farming existence, although they were very kind and helpful - perhaps too trusting.

The last thing:

I would add one more sentence before the biography part, something saying, that , despite the long time, many records seem fairly accurate through Nikolfs diary who survived the millenias miraculously, the other, that especially the beginning is lore, though it has a true core. I mean, how could reports survive, so detailed as you have described them (he vomits, people clapping hi mon his shoulder... that's legend forming). That is a story. But, as this points and enlightens who Ciosa was, it has found its way into a compendium entry nevertheless, and in the biography part, to avoid a lore part.

You surely can word this much better! In only one and a half sentences!:)

I cannot blarrow it though!

Somebody here to blarrow this?

Edit: Could you please set the narrative parts in italics? And maybe decrease the size one point. So it is easier for Art to see, what is what.

[Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr]

Those three things are done and marked in red (or they should be...)

Ath

[Deklitch Hardin]

As Talia has given this her ok, and asked for someone to blarrow this for Athviaro, I'm happy to blarrow the entry. Well done Athviaro on a superb person's entry.

Dek

[Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr]

Thanks Dek

*Ath grows several inches as a weight lifts from his shoulders*

[Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr]

And - almost forgot - an aura for Ta'lia for her patient work on this with me. Thank you!

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