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Author Topic: The Butterfly Dragon: Shatí'eliás  (Read 8891 times)
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Drasil Razorfang
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« Reply #15 on: 12 June 2011, 08:53:44 »

Final batch of comments!   grin

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They present themselves with a haughty air, as they know what they are capable of and why these abilities were given to them.

Can you put a definitive subject somewhere in this sentence?  Its the opening statement of the section so it would be nice to lead off with exactly what we're talking about.

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Believed to be one of the first dragons created, the use their abilities in belief they are to help keep the balance of good and evil within the world, even with having retreated into the Thaelon Forest.

'the' should be they.  Also I believe you have an added word somewhere in the last clause.

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I want to learn as much as they will allow me, but I am finding they are often tight-lipped, but much of what I have gleaned has been from true observation.

run on

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Yet, my experiences have gone far beyond that of mere observation, and I must say I am truly blessed to have been acquainted with such amazing creatures.

'that' should be plural because experiences is plural.

-Overall, I'm confused as to how the first two paragraphs fit into Myth/Lore.  It seems to, if anywhere, belong in Special Abilities.  You provide some discussion of the dragons' abilities but no mention of any Myth.  You could add a small intro to explain to the reader that this is a tale of how Kalina got her longevity, but I'd prefer this as a narrative account after the applicable portion of the Special Abilities section.

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His existence has been labelled as a legend, something which happens one in a hundred of lifetimes.


No 'of'.

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Elijah, a young boy who lived with his father in the city of Voldar, was often the recipient of his father's wrath. It was  after having been nearly beaten to death by his father one day that he ran as far as he was able into the depths of the Thaelon Forest, collapsing unconscious from exhaustion after a day's journey.

As it is now, this reads a bit choppy.  I'd suggest adding a sentence in between these two.  Perhaps more an account of why his father beats him (drunk, poor, ect)?

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The dragons found the young boy and took pity on him, and took him deeper into the forest to tend to his wounds.

run on

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Stirring from his unconsciousness, the boy found himself in the midst of several dragons who had been watching over him with a careful eye.

I don't think stirring is the right word here.  It seems to make the sentences not flow together smoothly.  How about replacing it with a 'when he awoke'?

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The dragons looked at each other, sensing the innocence of the child but were apprehensive as to how to reply.

There should be a comma after child.

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"We are the Shatí'eliás, the dragons of the Thaelon Forest," they replied in unison.

I wouldn't characterize this as apprehensive.  Rather, this sounds assured and slightly assertive.

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In the midst of legends, excitement rose with their introduction.

huh?

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Yet, as their nature,

I think there are some words missing in here.

-I have a few comments about the portion at the end where the dragons kill the boy's father.  Firstly, it reads a bit choppy and secondly their reasons for killing him seem a bit hollow.  I think you should make it clearer somewhere that the dragons have used their power of empathy to figure out what this man has done to the child and explain how angered they are by it.  Finally a few more context clues to make it clearer that the angry man is the child's father would be helpful.

Another way you could go, would be to separate it into two individual parables.  Since the two descriptions are only very loosely tied together at the moment, if you don't like my above suggestions, you could always create two stories out of them.

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Elijah spent his life travelling the world, trying to make it a better place with the time he had been given, but his intentions were not often well received and it soon caught up with him.

Run on

And that's that.  Let me know when you have these comments integrated and I think you should be ready for a blarrow.  Another job well done Kalina.   thumbup
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Kalína Dalá'isyrás
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« Reply #16 on: 13 June 2011, 02:41:18 »

I believe I have addressed all the issues presented, even Seeker's suggestion in a unique light.

I hope what has been done is acceptable. heart
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« Reply #17 on: 13 June 2011, 03:59:07 »

oooh I like your colorful solution.   thumbup

acceptable by me.  thank you for integrating the change.

Aura+1 from me.
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Drasil Razorfang
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« Reply #18 on: 13 June 2011, 07:37:58 »

Just a few last grammatical corrections and then you're good to go. 

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The man was a sorry excuse for a man, much less a father, something he cursed about every day.

man man

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But, he tried to calm him, as he figured they would've killed him by now if they wanted to.

Typos in this sentence

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Though, the story of Elijah's father and his fate is often retold as well, as the man went after his son after a night of drinking.

This sentence is awkward.

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As the hours passed, he became rowdy and found himself kicked out onto the street, as what was the nightly routine of his indulgence.

no what

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Not willing for this to continue any longer, they decided to take action and put an end to the child's fears and situation.


Should be "not wanting" or "not willing to allow this".  Either way, no for. 

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but found it worthless of what had been given to him

I'm confused by what you mean by everything after "of".
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Kalína Dalá'isyrás
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« Reply #19 on: 13 June 2011, 09:58:28 »

Alrighty! Addressed the issues (again).
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« Reply #20 on: 13 June 2011, 10:09:29 »

Ok good to go!
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