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Author Topic: Inspired by Pensive Young Woman in White Dress with Pearls  (Read 8090 times)
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Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
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« on: 17 June 2011, 22:24:41 »

Here are my two poems. They're inspired by Judy's picture, whatever that turns out to be of (even if it just turns out to be a Santharian work of art, which isn't illegal :D)

Poem the First

They never see this side of you.

All the people, passing by.
They see you at the balls
Or in the streets
Passing by.

They never know this side of you.

All the people, judging you
On how you wear your dress
For the flower in your hair.
Judging you.

They never see this side of you.

All the people, hiding lives.
They see the simple, polite façade
They see the lips, the eyes, the hair
Hiding a life.

They never know this side of you.

All the people think you are
Just another pretty face
They'll never know you
Think.

They never know this side of you.

Poem the Second

In public you are gorgeous,
In private even more
But never with another soul
Are you simply what you are.

You wear a dress, a flower, a frown
But none will ever see
For when they come you straighten up
And are what they want you to be.

A string of pearls you contemplate
Each different from the last
But with other girls in other white dresses
You hide this knowledge fast.

When others talk about your hair
You listen, nod ; the while
They never think what lies beneath
The enigmatic smile

They come in ones, in twos, in droves
They ask you for a dance
With not a single one of them
Can you do aught but prance.

It falls to when you are alone
None to talk to but yourself
To think of what this life could be
And not merely be a shelf.

A shelf on which they keep
Their ideas, opinions, dreams
They care for what they put on it
But not for the shelf, it seems.
It is important, yes indeed
But not for itself, it seems.


They see a pleasant, ruffled skirt
A pleasing string of pearls
A face to take the breath away
And beautiful dark curls;

They never see a mind that thinks
That struggles to be free
And you cannot reveal it
For it is not what they want to see

So carry on; deceive and hide
Your mind beneath your eyes
And hope that someone gazing in
Will see what in there lies.


Well, there you go. Two Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr poems.

I love just doing stuff like that. Creative Writing Group was cancelled this week, so I felt frustrated at not writing something!

Comment and critique welcomed.

Ath
« Last Edit: 27 June 2011, 01:44:24 by Artimidor Federkiel » Logged

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« Reply #1 on: 18 June 2011, 08:17:59 »

Wonderful!  I much prefer the second, and would like to see that in the Library with the illustration.  This does not of course preclude her being used for a portrait in a person's entry, or to illustrate a story, so other compendiumists may feel free to claim and name my dark-tressed lass!

For interest's sake:  my reference picture was taken from a commercial bridal gown site.  The pose was irresistible, though I modified the bodice and embroidery.  I chose to do darker skin a) because we can use the ethnic diversity on the site and b) it contrasts so beautifully with the blues and whites of the gown.   Hopefully someone will tell me what human clan she might be from!   
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« Reply #2 on: 18 June 2011, 10:42:46 »

Athviaro, such a sensitive side.  You must present this to some special lady in your life. Especially that second one.  She will melt.  Let us know how it goes.
« Last Edit: 18 June 2011, 10:48:39 by Seeker » Logged

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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #3 on: 18 June 2011, 15:17:09 »

Judy, maybe if you could do her a tad more darkskinned, she could be:

From the new history tables:

Quote
Marriage of the Santharian Kind Mantheros II. and Skeijorna Ithsje Ciosaskjan
Only a few months after his coronation the young Mantheros marries the much older, but extremely beautiful dark skinned Skeijorna Ithsje Ciosaskjan, daughter of the most prominent Avennorian merchant. Aside from the wealth Ithsje undoubtedly brings with her, the marriage is clearly a matter of prestige, as even highly ranked Shan'Thai officials courted for her, but she declined every offer.

So she would be Avennorian. Well, she doesn't look old, so maybe that is not such a good idea - or that is a picture of her youth.

Ath! You are a poet! ... Oh, that was obvious, wasn't it? ;)
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Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
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« Reply #4 on: 18 June 2011, 16:28:12 »

Wow, thank you very much guys (well, guy and gals...)

I prefer the second one really; and on that note, does anyone have any favourite stanzas? I'm considering entering a short poetry competion inspired by works of art, and I can't think of any artwork I'd prefer to be inspired by. The problem is that I'm limited to 16 lines, or four stanzas, so I need to cut six of them. I've got two I'm thinking of cutting, but I'd like to hear your thoughts.

Also: coughmakeheravennoriancough

*Likes the idea that she's related to Ciosa*

Ath

EDIT: Edited one stanza in red
« Last Edit: 18 June 2011, 16:56:11 by Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr » Logged

"I don't care what you did as a boy."
"Well, I did nothing as a girl, so there goes my childhood." - Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire, The Gay Divorcee, 1934.
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« Reply #5 on: 26 June 2011, 15:24:37 »

As is the case with everything else we put up in the Library we need introductions to these poems as well, Ath, something that sets them into Santharian context. If you can provide that we can integrate it.
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Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
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« Reply #6 on: 26 June 2011, 20:45:24 »

OK, sure. I can wait with that, if you like, until Judy's picture has been finalised, or I can write one now assuming that it's of Ithsje, and if not it can be changed later.

Anyway, here's the latter:

"This poem [these poems? - it looks like only the second will be used] was inspired by the pensive mode and exceptional beauty of the young Ithsje Ciosaskjan in this picture, drawn by the Masterbard Judith of Bardavos, and explores the poet's reaction in the form of an address to the depicted."

Feel free to change it however you want, if there's a problem, or replace "Ithsje Ciosaskjan" with just "woman".

Ath
« Last Edit: 26 June 2011, 20:47:49 by Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr » Logged

"I don't care what you did as a boy."
"Well, I did nothing as a girl, so there goes my childhood." - Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire, The Gay Divorcee, 1934.
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Shabakuk Zeborius Anfang
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« Reply #7 on: 27 June 2011, 05:27:32 »

How did I miss these lovely poems before? Especially the second one I find mellifluent, subtle, and insightful. You've got talent, my friend! Aura from me!
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Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
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« Reply #8 on: 27 June 2011, 05:28:58 »

Why thank you Shaba! That's very kind of you.
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"I don't care what you did as a boy."
"Well, I did nothing as a girl, so there goes my childhood." - Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire, The Gay Divorcee, 1934.
The Life and Works of Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
Kalta'hnk - My ramblings on anything to do with the Glandorians - The Glandorian Men (Proposal)
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« Reply #9 on: 02 November 2011, 19:28:16 »

As I said I was thinking of doing, I entered an edited version of the second poem in the competition I mentioned and to my great delight it was placed second in the Senior category! Thanks to Judy for the brilliant inspiration - it's an absolutely beautiful picture - and on the off chance that anyone is interested, here is the redrafted work:

Beauty

In public you are radiant,
In private even more,
But never with another are you
Simply what you are.

When other girls discuss your hair
You listen, nod; the while
They never think what lies beneath
The enigmatic smile;

They see a pleasant, ruffled skirt,
A pleasing string of pearls,
A face to take the breath away
And beautiful dark curls.

So carry on; deceive and hide
Your mind behind your eyes
And hope that someone gazing in
Will see what hidden lies.

The form is that of a ballad, the rhyme abcb (well, mostly) and the title was originally a poor pun on the poetic "muse" and "lyrical" poetry. I prefer "Beauty".

Athviaro
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"Well, I did nothing as a girl, so there goes my childhood." - Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire, The Gay Divorcee, 1934.
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« Reply #10 on: 03 November 2011, 04:10:39 »

Congrats on second rank, Athviaro! clap

I see the new, edited version is also quite different from the initial one, also much shorter, but still quite effective. Maybe even because it's shorter its even more to the point :)

Anyway, would you like to replace the version on site with the new one? And rename it? Actually we've put up the two poems and called them simply "Poems to Ithsje"... So is the title meant only for the second one? If so, how would we refer to the first one?

P.S. Reading various good poetry inspires me to translate one of my own favourite poems - should really start with it...
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Shabakuk Zeborius Anfang
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« Reply #11 on: 03 November 2011, 21:29:38 »

Congratulations from me, too. Those judges appear to have good taste!

And well done also for continuing to work at your poem, even though it was already a good one before you formed it into the well-polished gem that deservedly won you a prize.
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