* 
Welcome Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?


*
gfxgfx Home Forum Help Search Login Register   gfxgfx
gfx gfx
gfx
Pages: 1 [2] 3
Print
Author Topic: Kelancey's Almanac of Afflictions--Introduction  (Read 7342 times)
0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
Kelancey the Green
Aspiring Member
**

Gained Aura: 26
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 316



View Profile Homepage
« Reply #15 on: 01 July 2012, 03:48:58 »

I'd like to ask for further editorial comments on this topic, please.

  • Brief outline of each constituent, with hyperlink included
  • Conditions to be described listed in bullet form
  • Note made that pregnancy is a condition, not an affliction, under Anima section
Logged

"Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."
--Master Yoda
Artimidor Federkiel
Administrator
*****

Gained Aura: 538
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 23.098



View Profile Homepage
« Reply #16 on: 03 July 2012, 04:58:05 »

Just had a look on your afflictions, Kelancey, so here a few general notes:

I guess I've mentioned that already at a previous comment, but I think this can't be reiterated enough: Entries for the Compendium should be as Santhariarized as possible. The topic of illnesses, afflictions etc. might not be easy to adjust that way, but there's a lot you can do.

Take for example the Afflictions of the Sanguine. If you look at the passage you linked to yourself in the Six Bodily Constituents entry you see Fire mentioned which stands for the Sanguine (note also the red colour), Excess, Desire, Lust, Love and so on. It would be great to link these things - whether it's medically correct or not to afflictions, even throw some superstitions in, use some more metaphors. At the moment the descriptions are a bit technical.

Women's Cramps for example could be linked to the renewal of the flame of lust and desire, so that the person literally gets "in heat".

Tumors offer themselves for a good deal of superstition - that they are punishments from the Gods, that - do I get this right? - the fire (blood) is hindered to do its job, maybe because an Etherian (God Etherus) excess, say gluttony, caused an imbalance within the organs of the body. A brain tumour might be linked to evil thoughts, or even be inherited from a parent of ill repute. Now that might sound like something from the Middle Ages, but methinks that's partly the point. That there are many uncertainties in a society like Santharia, which is still rather ancient compared to Earthen of nowadays. And these suspicions and insecurities make it all the more fascinating.

Heart Flutter and Heart Failure could also be explained with the Fire in someone's body being in imbalance, a more metaphorical approach. Now we might say that a person eats too many fat foods etc., but Santharians would just observe from outside that the fire in a person dies when he/she becomes fatter, the fire which is the blood. Inactivity kills the fire by making the blood slow down.

These are just example of how things could be made more into a science which doesn't know it all, makes a lot of spiritual or metaphorical assumptions and might even be way off at times from a modern point of view. But injecting such tidbits I think could really spice things up quite a bit.
Logged



"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Kelancey the Green
Aspiring Member
**

Gained Aura: 26
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 316



View Profile Homepage
« Reply #17 on: 03 July 2012, 05:54:19 »

Wow, that's a lot! Thank you, Arti, for the advice, and for letting me know what's desperately missing from my entries. I got so caught up in the modern day science of medicine, I forgot the essence of fantasy and wonder.  That gives me a lot to think about.

And, it means a lot of revision in store...

Thank you humbly, even if it means a lot of work in my future!  Heehee
Logged

"Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."
--Master Yoda
Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 143
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 2.418


The Remusian


View Profile
« Reply #18 on: 03 July 2012, 06:07:37 »

 thumbup

An aura for Kelancy for being so accomodating.  It's not always easy to look at the work put in and realize that it still needs a lot of work to go.  To accept that with graciousness and good humour is worth noting. :)


The one thing I want to agree with Arti on, is something I wanted to post, but hadn't yet.  Mostly because I really haven't much else to add, but that is that there should be more of a medieval feel (Santharized feel, more to the point) and less hard fact.  Even to the point where Sarvonian medical "experts" are completely wrong in what we know in modern times.

I posted "mistaken medical beliefs of the middle ages" into Google and it gave lots of links to various cultures and some of the beliefs that they had at that time that now feel antiquated.

All of which is my simple humble opinion, and can be ignored at your pleasure. :)
Logged

"Lather...Rinse...Repeat"   Why has God made my life so complicated?

This is what I'm working on
Kelancey the Green
Aspiring Member
**

Gained Aura: 26
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 316



View Profile Homepage
« Reply #19 on: 03 July 2012, 22:29:03 »

Thanks, Alt.  Genuinely thanks.

Can I ask for one more re-read, to get people's opinions of some of the new names for diseases?  I'm hoping this will jibe better with the spirit of Santharia.
Logged

"Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."
--Master Yoda
Artimidor Federkiel
Administrator
*****

Gained Aura: 538
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 23.098



View Profile Homepage
« Reply #20 on: 04 July 2012, 03:51:36 »

I see you've taken some lessons in Santharian Religion now and made some diseases from what you've learned... ;) I think some work very well, like "Baveras' Curse", "Armeros' Wrath", "Vestiges of Queprur" or "Foiros' Judgment", at others I'm not entirely sure why the God should be directly associated with the afflictions. Well, "Nehtor's Shakes" for example could be related to the dancing of the God e.g., but that heartburn is associated with Seyella, Goddess of Destiny, with a "Seyellian Geyser" sounds a bit strange to me. Could be that I missed something, though.

Using God names definitely is an interesting approach - you might also consider secondary names of the Gods in order to make the link not so direct. So you might e.g. use "Forgelord's stones" instead of "Urtengorian".

Another option is - as already mentioned above - get in the elements and their attributes to build interesting names. Or mythical figures (persons, animals, like dragons etc.) for example. E.g. heartburn could be something like "Dragon's breath". You also have the "magical arsenal" at hand in a fantasy world. So "melancholy" could have a term deduced from spells, like "dechantment" (opposite to enchantment). And of course the traditional terms derived from observation and making something poetical out of it, like, say "Shadowwalker" for a depressed person (maybe "Shadowwalk" for the illness).

We already have some cases on site where we show body/mind related stuff by letting fantasy explain it: E.g. we have created a saying by using a mythical figure to represent unconsciousness: "the veil of the Kiivosh". The Kiivosh is supposed to be a bird-like creature between worlds which waits to carry the soul away, also referred to as the soul gryph. This is a very typical example how effective fantasy terminology can be, "veil" stands here for clouded consciousness - and you might use a term like this in similar cases to get more poertry in it :)

It's definitely not easy to create various unique sounding names, but it sounds rather different when someone refers to someone as depressed or describes the person as "walking with the shadows", eh? These are the things that create the atmosphere we're looking for!  cool
Logged



"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Kelancey the Green
Aspiring Member
**

Gained Aura: 26
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 316



View Profile Homepage
« Reply #21 on: 04 July 2012, 05:39:17 »

Once again, I thank you humbly, Arti, for giving me direction and gentle correction.  CLEARLY, I need to slow down and Infuse more prose and creativity into this than I've thus far put forth.
Logged

"Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."
--Master Yoda
Kelancey the Green
Aspiring Member
**

Gained Aura: 26
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 316



View Profile Homepage
« Reply #22 on: 05 July 2012, 22:20:43 »

I've put some real thought into it this time, and I think it looks better.  So, I'll put this back up to request more comments.
Logged

"Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."
--Master Yoda
Artimidor Federkiel
Administrator
*****

Gained Aura: 538
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 23.098



View Profile Homepage
« Reply #23 on: 06 July 2012, 03:27:48 »

Yay! You really get the hang out of it now, Kelancey! Very cool ideas as far as the naming goes - Feyronn's revenge, Firebelly, Bileflow, Yelquartz Waters, rooted like a Drasil Tree among others all sound like very well thought up new names! And together with some very good ones that were already this looks very well put together now!  thumbup

I don't have the exact wordings/names of the first versions in my head now, but it sounds way more like it fits properly in a fantasy setting :) Here and there there are of course still some technical terms which identify the affliction for readers not born in Caelereth or sound still technical (like Parkinson's disease for the one things and Uterine prolapse for the other) - ideally none of these things would actually need to be mentioned and the point still gets across. So if you find ways to get rid of those, that would bring the entry close to perfection :)

Aura +1 at any rate for your creative additions and rewrites, Kelancey!

BTW: Speaking about fantasy/mythology and their associations with afflictions, here's another very typical example from Earthen folklore: Sleep Paralysis - see details at that entry.
Logged



"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Kelancey the Green
Aspiring Member
**

Gained Aura: 26
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 316



View Profile Homepage
« Reply #24 on: 07 July 2012, 23:38:03 »

First off, whew! Thanks for your support, Arti. I'd nearly given up on my writing, thinking I'd never clue in to writing fantasy entries.

I will make some edits this weekend to remove anachronistic terms (Parkinson's disease, tuberculosis and such) to make this entry more suitable for this forum. Just wanted to say, humbly, thanks for all your help with this introduction.
Logged

"Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."
--Master Yoda
Kelancey the Green
Aspiring Member
**

Gained Aura: 26
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 316



View Profile Homepage
« Reply #25 on: 09 July 2012, 01:02:42 »

Edits made, removing parenthetical names of Terran diseases, replacing them with brief descriptions of the diseases and conditions listed.

Please lay on your editorial comments, I'm ready for some serious criticism!
Logged

"Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."
--Master Yoda
Artimidor Federkiel
Administrator
*****

Gained Aura: 538
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 23.098



View Profile Homepage
« Reply #26 on: 10 July 2012, 04:12:50 »

Okeydokey, let's get this baby finished!  cool

- As suggested above we might put this in the form of a Guidbook in the library. So it's good to have an introduction here, ideally you should also mention who the author is, as this isn't really clear.

- Great name additions you've provided now for the Principles section, completely tribe/race specific whenever possible, mentioning Quixkvechotil twice also adds to the realism, very cool!  thumbup

- Generally we prefer the British spelling in our entries as this looks more ancient, so it's "savour", "savouring" instead of "savor", "savoring", "coloured" instead of "colored" etc.

- The afflictions should be nouns throughout, but "bilestopped" is the adjective. Could of course be mentioned that way further down, but the captions should be the the nouns only to have it all nicely organized, they'll probably be bold in the final entry. So this could be rearranged a bit here and there.

- There are some gems in thes descriptions, like the following: lol

Quote
People who engage in too many activities or who let their anima sway them too much may be prone to wracking pains from animated stones of wild fantasy coursing through their bladders.

Now that's definitely something different compared to a book about medicine of today, eh? Or here:

Quote
People who consort with demons run the risk of developing e'plepsi or Falling Sickness, a condition of losing one's sanity for a brief period, the mind being assailed by convulsions, falling to the ground with rigors...

or here:

Quote
These people may have trembling shakes in their hands and head, stiffness of their legs, even losing the ability to walk, becoming warped and bent over like a sage but rooted Drasil Tree.

I like that! :D

In short: This is a really great entry now, Kelancey, also with all the descriptions and elaborations on the bodily constituents, which result in these afflictions, garnished with references to other entries, mythology and fantasy related stuff, even the names are perfect now. With other words: Another aura +1 for sticking with the entry and making it as perfect as you possible could, and as far as I'm concerned this turned out exactly as I hoped it would! Ready to go up after your final edits I'd say!  thumbup
Logged



"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Kelancey the Green
Aspiring Member
**

Gained Aura: 26
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 316



View Profile Homepage
« Reply #27 on: 11 July 2012, 02:29:42 »

I think I need some help once more, please.

I edited some words to try to get a more archaic flavor to the text--'savouring', 'coloured', for example.

I'm still fumbling when it comes to the introduction. Is it acceptable for Kel to be the author, or should I attribute this to another fictional character? I've referred to Hodgerick Glassblower, a renowned gnome doctor, in other texts. Would it be better to say he is the author?

Also, I don't think I got the introduction quite right. How should I format this, what information needs to go into the introductory paragraph?
Logged

"Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."
--Master Yoda
Artimidor Federkiel
Administrator
*****

Gained Aura: 538
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 23.098



View Profile Homepage
« Reply #28 on: 11 July 2012, 03:21:58 »

Well, I don't really see a problem why Kelancey the Green couldn't be the writer of this one. I would see the first paragraph you now have in yellow what would be the summary/teaser of the book (e.g. what you would find on the cover), and the rest of the Introduction (paragraph two) as the actual introduction in the book.

Only thing I would add to the first paragraph is a bit of background to the author, like one last sentence where Kelancey has got his experience, when he joined the Compendium and who his main sources are for example. The gnome you're referring to, Hodgerick Glassblower, could be one of his main contacts who keep him up to date and is thus regularly quoted.

At least that's one possibility how you could do it, that would definitely work for me :)
Logged



"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Kelancey the Green
Aspiring Member
**

Gained Aura: 26
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 316



View Profile Homepage
« Reply #29 on: 13 July 2012, 03:03:17 »

Can I request another read through, particularly the introductory paragraphs?
Logged

"Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."
--Master Yoda
Pages: 1 [2] 3
Print
Jump to:  

Recent
[27 March 2019, 00:01:57]

[21 June 2018, 14:28:00]

[31 May 2017, 06:35:55]

[06 May 2017, 05:27:04]

[03 April 2017, 01:15:03]

[26 March 2017, 12:48:25]

[15 March 2017, 02:23:07]

[15 March 2017, 02:20:28]

[15 March 2017, 02:17:52]

[14 March 2017, 20:23:43]

[06 February 2017, 04:53:35]

[31 January 2017, 08:45:52]

[15 December 2016, 15:50:49]

[26 November 2016, 23:16:38]

[27 October 2016, 07:42:01]

[27 September 2016, 18:51:05]

[11 September 2016, 23:17:33]

[11 September 2016, 23:15:27]

[11 September 2016, 22:58:56]

[03 September 2016, 22:22:23]
Members
Total Members: 1089
Latest: c4r0lyn18
Stats
Total Posts: 144684
Total Topics: 11053
Online Today: 129
Online Ever: 337
(19 November 2019, 02:38:29)
Users Online
Users: 0
Guests: 87
Total: 87

Last 10 Shouts:
24 October 2019, 13:31:22
Hi and happy 2019 shoutout from me.
22 February 2019, 06:47:10
A delightful 2019 shout-out to you all ^^
21 November 2018, 23:39:14
Seems none of us can stay away ..
09 March 2018, 23:37:46
Dream goes on as long as there are dreamers my friend.
17 January 2018, 01:23:22
Oh, how I wish we could reawaken the Dream :)
16 January 2018, 11:55:48
Hello everyone!
14 September 2017, 09:40:04
Hello all! It's been a minute since I poked my nose in here. Can't remember if I ever did anything useful.
09 May 2017, 14:17:18
Ah, too bad that internet is so restricted in China, Ferra. Can't be much fun surfing the web that way if Big Brother's watching you... Hope you enjoy your stay nevertheless!
03 May 2017, 17:41:19
Hi, dear Arti and other developers!

This year I am in China and cannot use any Google services including YouTube. For this reason I stopped uploading new Nepris videos. I can also not read any comments there.

It just crossed my mind that this information might be useful to you.

Cheers

F
26 March 2017, 12:48:56
Hello to anyone that might read this. :)
Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2005, Simple Machines
TinyPortal v0.9.8 © Bloc
Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!
Theme based on Cerberus with Risen adjustments by Bloc and Krelia
Modified By Artimidor for The Santharian Dream
gfx
gfxgfx gfxgfx