* 
Welcome Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?


*
gfxgfx Home Forum Help Search Login Register   gfxgfx
gfx gfx
gfx
Pages: [1]
Print
Author Topic: Ava's tear - an Erpheronian folk tale  (Read 2785 times)
0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
Irid alMenie
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 46
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 959



View Profile
« on: 27 June 2012, 01:31:41 »

The following Erpheronian folk tale explains the existence of that bright star, Ava's tear. Any wrongfully represented ideas of the Elven philosophy will have its cause in that it is humans who tell the tale. Enjoy, and I hope for some criticism. It's been quite quickly written, so there might be some mistakes left.

Terran note: It's been since february that the library last saw a post. I just had to do something about that :D This little folk tale was inspired by a Czech folk song called "Promeny", Transformations.


Once upon a time, when summers were still summers and animals could talk, there lived an elven maid. She was the prettiest elf you could imagine, with blonde hair flowing down her back and skin as white as an aelirel’s feathers. She lived deep in the forest, and every day she would sing fit to bring the birds down from the skies to listen to her. Even the wild tirpanis did not run from her, and the shingar would lie quietly next to the white deer for a touch of her hand. She was called Avaelon, and her name was known throughout Caelereth, even though few had seen her.

One day a human prince called Ephodin was hunting with his court in the forest where Avaelon lived. He had been pursuing a white hart, which had separated him from his friends, when he heard the elf maiden singing. Without knowing who this voice could belong to, he fell head over heels in love with her. He followed her voice, enthralled by the sound, until he found her seated on a log. When she saw the human standing there, she was suddenly quiet. Ephodin took the chance to declare his love and undying devotion to her. She regarded him silently as he talked, seeing a quite well-made and handsome young man in front of her. There was, however, one problem – Avaelon did not want a lover, and certainly not one that would grow old and die long before she would leave behind Ava’s Dream. She wished only to celebrate the Dream, happy in her solitude, in the best way she knew how.

But when she gently told him so, Ephodin refused to go away. He insisted that they were meant to be together, that it was their destiny. He tried to get closer to her, but when he approached her, the animals who had been lying quietly at her feet jumped up and threatened the prince if he advanced even one step towards the elf. Scared by his suddenly aggressive tone, she used his hesitation to cry out: “I will never have you for a husband – you or any other man!” And with that she changed herself into a quirrl and leaped away into the trees.

Ephodin, not used to having his wish denied, determined that he would prevail over the elf maiden. He swore that she would be his. He returned to his companions, and ordered them to catch every quirrl in the forest. They needed a long time, but eventually they had gathered each and every quirrl they could lay their hands on. Prince Ephodin went among them, and when he had found the most beautiful quirrl, with the longest and biggest tail, he knew that he had found Avaelon.

Before he could close his hand about her, she changed herself again, this time into a haloen bird, flying away with a defiant cry. At this second escape, the prince grew enraged, not realizing that his so recent love was slowly changing into hatred. Instead of wanting to love her, he now wanted to possess her, to make her his own. Consumed by this obsession, he returned home, where he ordered his subjects to catch every haloen bird that they could lay their hands on and bring them to the palace. This went on for a long time, many days passed before no more haloen could be found.

Then one evening, as the dusk settled over the land, prince Ephodin went among the captured birds, looking at them one by one, and when he found the bird with the reddest feathers and the brightest glow, he knew that he had found Avaelon. When she saw that she could not escape him by turning herself into an animal, she came back to herself, facing the prince with an unbroken gaze. She knew that if she gave in to this obsessed human, she would lose all happiness, and she might as well be dead. She could see the triumph in Ephodin’s face as he looked on her face once more, convinced that she would not escape him again.

As he approached her, this time unhindered by animals, she stopped him in his tracks when she said: “I have told you I will never be yours. I will never give myself to you. You have taken from me every chance of living tranquilly within Ava’s Dream, I see that you will hunt me down even were I to hide in the Void. But I will not submit to you.” And with that she started singing, and as she sang her white skin started glowing brighter and brighter, until Ephodin could no longer look at her. When the room grew dark again, Avaelon was gone, but as the prince went outside he saw in the night skies a star, brighter and more beautiful than any of the other stars, and he knew that there was Avaelon, and she was forever out of his reach. As the days and nights went by, it became obvious that unlike many of the stars, this one stayed fixed in the same spot. For the rest of his life, Ephodin spent his nights gazing up at the star, knowing that if he had been less obsessed, she would still have walked Caelereth. Since that time, she has shone brightly in the sky, unhindered by the world of humans but forever looking down on it.
« Last Edit: 14 July 2012, 17:16:03 by Artimidor Federkiel » Logged

Stat rosa pristina nomine, nomina nuda tenemus.
Irid al'Menie
Artimidor Federkiel
Administrator
*****

Gained Aura: 538
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 23.098



View Profile Homepage
« Reply #1 on: 27 June 2012, 03:45:09 »

Great to see some action in the Library again, Irid! It's about time to get some more literature up! :D

Just finished reading it already and made a few comments below on what things should be fixed. A nice little story indeed, just the thing we needed to add a bit lore/fairy tale stuff to our ailing library! So many thanks for that :D  thumbup

And here we go with the list of little problems I found:

Quote
She lived deep in the forest, and every day she would sing fit to bring the birds down from the skies to listen to her.

Quote
...and die long before she would leave behind Ava’s Dream. She wished only to celebrate the Dream, happy in her solitude, in the best way she knew how. (Guess the "how" can be omitted, doesn't sound proper English either methinks.)

Quote
elfess (Hmm... Is this a word? It's definitely been never used on the site so far. A female elf is still called an "elf".)

Quote
Ephodin, not used to having his wish denied, was determined that he would prevail over the elf maiden.

Quote
...they had gathered each and every kuatu they could lay their hands on. (As you first mention "quirrl" and then here "kuatu" you assume the reader sees them as the same. I'd recommend to replace "kuatu" with, say, bushy-tailed rodent to avoid confusion but make clear that you mean the same. Especially if the reader doesn't know what a "quirrl" is, that way he/she'll definitely get the idea.)

Quote
...this time into a haloen bird... (and subsequently as well)

Quote
She could see the triumph in Ephodin’s face as he looked on her face once more (instead of "again" to avoid repetition), convinced that she would not escape him again.

Quote
... within Ava’s Dream ...

And that's it, thus I conclude with: Aura +1!
Logged



"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 143
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 11.657


Shendar, Shen-D'auras


View Profile Homepage
« Reply #2 on: 27 June 2012, 05:28:13 »

A nice tale nicely told, Irid! :D

I thought I know a similar fairy tale, but a quick search did nothing reveal and as you have adapted it so nicely to Caelereth, it does not matter, if somebody else is reminded also.

Another one!
Logged

"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path  that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking,  breathlessly. ~Don Juan"
***Astropicture of the Day***Talia's Long, Long List***
Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
Aspiring Member
**

Gained Aura: 64
Offline Offline

Posts: 857



View Profile
« Reply #3 on: 27 June 2012, 15:42:20 »

I think 'elfess' is a Rayneism...

Looks a little like the Greek myth of Artemis, but very nice indeed!
Logged

"I don't care what you did as a boy."
"Well, I did nothing as a girl, so there goes my childhood." - Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire, The Gay Divorcee, 1934.
The Life and Works of Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
Kalta'hnk - My ramblings on anything to do with the Glandorians - The Glandorian Men (Proposal)
Irid alMenie
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 46
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 959



View Profile
« Reply #4 on: 27 June 2012, 17:34:20 »

Thanks for the comments, everyone!

Arti, I changed some of the things you said, but not all of them:

And here we go with the list of little problems I found:


Quote
Quote
She lived deep in the forest, and every day she would sing fit to bring the birds down from the skies to listen to her.


I didn't change this, I'm fairly certain this is a valid grammatical structure (do X fit to make Y happen), plus I feel this sort of structure gives more of a fairy tale feel. If I take out the "fit", the meaning of the sentence changes (from "she sing so beautifully that birds come down" to "she sings in order to bring birds down"). If a native English speaker tells me I'm wrong about this I'll be happy to change it :)

Quote
Quote
...and die long before she would leave behind Ava’s Dream. She wished only to celebrate the Dream, happy in her solitude, in the best way she knew how. (Guess the "how" can be omitted, doesn't sound proper English either methinks.)

Dream adjusted, how left in - again, I'm fairly certain this is a valid grammatical construction. Might have to take out the "in" though, when I look up this construction on Google the how is there but the in is not ;)

Quote
Quote
elfess (Hmm... Is this a word? It's definitely been never used on the site so far. A female elf is still called an "elf".)

Changed. We use elfess on the roleplaying board :)

Quote
Quote
Ephodin, not used to having his wish denied, was determined that he would prevail over the elf maiden.

Left this in, as he actively made the determination.

Quote
Quote
...they had gathered each and every kuatu they could lay their hands on. (As you first mention "quirrl" and then here "kuatu" you assume the reader sees them as the same. I'd recommend to replace "kuatu" with, say, bushy-tailed rodent to avoid confusion but make clear that you mean the same. Especially if the reader doesn't know what a "quirrl" is, that way he/she'll definitely get the idea.)

Changed, though just to quirrl again. "each and every bushy-tailed rodent" sounds somewhat over the top, wouldn't you agree? If I say quirrl too often I could see if there's another place where I can use a synonym. To be honest, I just assumed that if someone didn't know what a quirrl was, they'd look it up in the compendium, and there they'd find that it's the same as a kuatu ;)

Quote
Quote
...this time into a haloen bird... (and subsequently as well)

Changed.

Quote
Quote
She could see the triumph in Ephodin’s face as he looked on her face once more (instead of "again" to avoid repetition), convinced that she would not escape him again.


Will change.

Quote
Quote
... within Ava’s Dream ...

And changed! I didn't colour any changes but this way you know what was and was not changed :)
Logged

Stat rosa pristina nomine, nomina nuda tenemus.
Irid al'Menie
Artimidor Federkiel
Administrator
*****

Gained Aura: 538
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 23.098



View Profile Homepage
« Reply #5 on: 27 June 2012, 18:50:08 »

Well, I can't guarantee that my suggestions are right, I'm just a non-native English speaker who suggests something to another non-native English speaker... lol So don't hold me accountable... ;)
Logged



"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Irid alMenie
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 46
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 959



View Profile
« Reply #6 on: 27 June 2012, 18:57:16 »

I don't :D
Logged

Stat rosa pristina nomine, nomina nuda tenemus.
Irid al'Menie
Azhira Styralias
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 132
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 2.775


Mód’dél’áey


View Profile
« Reply #7 on: 27 June 2012, 22:09:48 »

As a native English speaker, I have never seen the word "fit" used in such a way. I have seen it used with the word "saw" as in:

"The father saw fit to discipline the unruly child for kicking the puppy"

I do understand what the story is trying to say so I suggest keeping it in.
Logged

No, I would not want to live in a world without dragons, as I would not want to live in a world without magic, for that is a world without mystery, and that is a world without faith. And that, I fear, for any reasoning, conscious being, would be the cruelest trick of all.
Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
Aspiring Member
**

Gained Aura: 64
Offline Offline

Posts: 857



View Profile
« Reply #8 on: 28 June 2012, 04:14:40 »

As a native English speaker, I think that the word "fit" is fine. Completely happy with that.

Also, leave the "in" in "in the best way she knew how". Taking it out sounds wrong to me, grammatically.

Ath.
Logged

"I don't care what you did as a boy."
"Well, I did nothing as a girl, so there goes my childhood." - Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire, The Gay Divorcee, 1934.
The Life and Works of Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
Kalta'hnk - My ramblings on anything to do with the Glandorians - The Glandorian Men (Proposal)
Irid alMenie
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 46
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 959



View Profile
« Reply #9 on: 28 June 2012, 18:04:07 »

Thankies for the input!

Also, Ath, out of curiosity, which Artemis myth did it remind you of?
Logged

Stat rosa pristina nomine, nomina nuda tenemus.
Irid al'Menie
Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
Aspiring Member
**

Gained Aura: 64
Offline Offline

Posts: 857



View Profile
« Reply #10 on: 29 June 2012, 00:13:09 »

I might be completely wrong, 'cause I'm working from memory and can't quite remember the names, but the one with the hunter torn apart by his own dogs after seeing Artemis bathing.
Logged

"I don't care what you did as a boy."
"Well, I did nothing as a girl, so there goes my childhood." - Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire, The Gay Divorcee, 1934.
The Life and Works of Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
Kalta'hnk - My ramblings on anything to do with the Glandorians - The Glandorian Men (Proposal)
Shabakuk Zeborius Anfang
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 192
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 1.321



View Profile
« Reply #11 on: 21 July 2012, 10:09:05 »

That's a beautiful tale, Irid, told with skill and grace. Aura from me! You make good storytelling look simple, but we know it's not.
Logged

The greatest danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.
Ding-dong!
Pages: [1]
Print
Jump to:  

Recent
[Today at 20:08:43]

[17 September 2019, 22:01:36]

[21 June 2018, 14:28:00]

[31 May 2017, 06:35:55]

[06 May 2017, 05:27:04]

[26 March 2017, 12:48:25]

[15 March 2017, 02:23:07]

[15 March 2017, 02:20:28]

[15 March 2017, 02:17:52]

[14 March 2017, 20:23:43]

[06 February 2017, 04:53:35]

[31 January 2017, 08:45:52]

[15 December 2016, 15:50:49]

[26 November 2016, 23:16:38]

[27 October 2016, 07:42:01]

[27 September 2016, 18:51:05]

[11 September 2016, 23:17:33]

[11 September 2016, 23:15:27]

[11 September 2016, 22:58:56]

[03 September 2016, 22:22:23]
Members
Total Members: 1087
Latest: aimeusdietger
Stats
Total Posts: 144685
Total Topics: 11053
Online Today: 85
Online Ever: 226
(06 November 2012, 05:38:23)
Users Online
Users: 0
Guests: 80
Total: 80

Last 10 Shouts:
22 February 2019, 06:47:10
A delightful 2019 shout-out to you all ^^
21 November 2018, 23:39:14
Seems none of us can stay away ..
09 March 2018, 23:37:46
Dream goes on as long as there are dreamers my friend.
17 January 2018, 01:23:22
Oh, how I wish we could reawaken the Dream :)
16 January 2018, 11:55:48
Hello everyone!
14 September 2017, 09:40:04
Hello all! It's been a minute since I poked my nose in here. Can't remember if I ever did anything useful.
09 May 2017, 14:17:18
Ah, too bad that internet is so restricted in China, Ferra. Can't be much fun surfing the web that way if Big Brother's watching you... Hope you enjoy your stay nevertheless!
03 May 2017, 17:41:19
Hi, dear Arti and other developers!

This year I am in China and cannot use any Google services including YouTube. For this reason I stopped uploading new Nepris videos. I can also not read any comments there.

It just crossed my mind that this information might be useful to you.

Cheers

F
26 March 2017, 12:48:56
Hello to anyone that might read this. :)
22 December 2016, 02:38:16
Merry Christmas everyone!
Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2005, Simple Machines
TinyPortal v0.9.8 © Bloc
Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!
Theme based on Cerberus with Risen adjustments by Bloc and Krelia
Modified By Artimidor for The Santharian Dream
gfx
gfxgfx gfxgfx