The song beyond shadow

Perabium Pelatorium

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The song beyond shadow

« on: 19 September 2012, 15:43:27 »

Hello dear members of santharia... I don't know how much that fits in this category... But I've written a poem which might be interesting and useful... I thought you might take a look...

Category

Poem

Referenced by

Perabium Pelatorium (Perab)

Title

The song beyond shadow

Description

The darkness and sorrow
Are nothing you can borrow
They happen and are
On your heart a big scar

The storms over you
Are painful and true
The curse released
Will hunt you like a beast

You are already forgoten
Your flesh rotten
Your blood dry
No whisper, no cry

The darkness will take you now
To me you shall obey and bow
So it ends and you fade
The shadows are like a two edged blade


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Let the shadows follow your path, they may be your ally in hard times

Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels

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Re: The song beyond shadow

« Reply #1 on: 20 September 2012, 05:33:52 »

Hey Pera, you don't need the category stuff here with your poem, but a short introduction, the three Ws - who wrote it, why and when.

I know, it is difficult to find a suitable 'event' for a newbie, but I didn't have an idea either so far.

As I'm not a native speaker, I can't say much what the language concerns.

A few ideas though.

Quote

The darkness and sorrow
Are nothing you can borrow
They happen and are
On your heart a big scar

Hmm, who would 'borrow' darkness and sorrow, from whom? It doesn't make sense, just because it rhymes.

Quote

The storms over you
Are painful and true
The curse released
Will hunt you like a beast

Which curse? Maybe that could give you an idea of the 'Why'?

Quote

You are already forgotten
Your flesh rotten
Your blood dry
No whisper, no cry

Quote

The darkness will take you now
To me you shall obey and bow
So it ends and you fade
The shadows are like a two edged blade

Now and bow does not really rhyme, it is pronounced differently.
Do yo know this site

Is there any meaning in the last line? Seems to me, that the rhyme dictated it again..

Nice work so far, some things are still unclear though. Maybe you think about the three Ws first and adapt the poem afterwards, when you know better, what you want to tell with it, in regard to Santharia?

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Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr

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Re: The song beyond shadow

« Reply #2 on: 20 September 2012, 16:10:59 »

Ta'lia, "now" and "bow" most definitely rhyme. It's "bow" as in "I bow my head to the hills, and a stillness descends on my heart."


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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels

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Re: The song beyond shadow

« Reply #3 on: 20 September 2012, 17:02:11 »

Ath is right, I didn't look close enough, sorry! : huh

Ath, where from is that wonderful sentence you cite?


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Perabium Pelatorium

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Re: The song beyond shadow

« Reply #4 on: 21 September 2012, 01:46:46 »

Yeah true... The poem is really bad related... But I may tell that I wrote that in my dream


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Let the shadows follow your path, they may be your ally in hard times

Artimidor Federkiel

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Re: The song beyond shadow

« Reply #5 on: 09 October 2012, 23:23:26 »

General note, Perab: Poems need to be posted in the Library Forum, not Miscellaneous. Every kind of literature, poem, story or otherwise, goes there. The Forums correspond to the site menus, see the Miscellaneous menu and you'll find what is usually posted there.

Also, as Talia has already mentioned: Every text you post needs to have a context. Therefore you need to have an introduction to it (see other poems we have on the site, again Library menu), so that the poem has a reason to be there. It needs to be embedded into the world that way. Make sure to provide that context.


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