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Author Topic: Touch of Eternity  (Read 5325 times)
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Shabakuk Zeborius Anfang
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« Reply #15 on: 06 January 2013, 06:27:21 »

Aura from me! I enjoyed the plot, whose structure reminds me of Poe (the narrator's voice being that of one who tries to give a calm and rational account of supernatural events he has witnessed, as for example in The Maelstrom). I think I can guess the ending; there is a little episode in Susanna Clarke's brilliant "Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell" that works according to the logic I am guessing will apply here, too. I guess I'll find out soon whether I'm right!
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« Reply #16 on: 06 January 2013, 16:03:57 »

I guess the ending isn't really that difficult to guess now with a lot of stuff already revealed - would have liked to post it already earlier or soon after Part IV was done, because I think the ending is just the logical extension of part IV. And it shouldn't be very long either. Alas, couldn't get to it until now, but I hope that early next week the story will finally be complete. Stay tuned. :)
« Last Edit: 06 January 2013, 16:06:05 by Artimidor Federkiel » Logged



"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin
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« Reply #17 on: 07 January 2013, 03:58:23 »

Reading from the beginning again to reaquiant myself with it.  Excellent story, Arti. :)  Very atmospheric. 

Quote
However, more than just the weather had changed. There was something different about the circling wisps far off. When lightning struck and a flash painted everything in bright light the wisps seemed to disappear completely for a few moments - but once darkness reigned again they were very much alive, circling, swirling and twirling as if nothing had happened. Another flash of light, another one - and the same thing happened over and over again. I still starred stared at the wisps when I felt Albricht's elbow hit my side.

Quote
"By the Twelve!" Albricht suddenly exclaimed, grabbing my hand and pulling me back, so that I tumbled an and fell. I cursed and feared that the others might have overheard the commotion, but then I realised what Albricht had seen.

Quote
[There was another lightning, a flash that brought the gigantic ruins up ahead back from nothingness into plain view. The silhouettes of the broken building appeared closer than ever before. The closer they appeared, the more menacing they became: The stone structure which had looked like fingers reaching out before seemed to turn into a claw now. A claw that beckoned us./quote]  Not sure if you meant the colon after "more menacing they became", if so, it should be a semi colon with "The stone..." uncapitalized. Or. the colon should be a period.

Quote
“Hmmm... I see where you’re coming from. But there wouldn’t be much of a point in doing that, really,” the stranger answered. “Unless for entertainment purposes of course. The jester in us rejoices. You see – there’s something you might have noticed already, but in case not - I’m happy to remind you: I’m quite dead already. Or not, depending on how you look at it, I give you that. Right now you seem to look at it the other way or you wouldn’t make such an awefully foolish remark. But rest assured: You’ve already killed me, and I’m quite thankful for that. Blessed be thy soul, dear adventurer, I’m indeed eternally grateful that you’ve finally arrived.” Once again he stood up and bowed.
  Had he stood up before?

Quote
“Very well, my dear impatient saviour, I guess you have earned the right to know,” the youth sighed. He got up. “Excuse me, but I’m not used to talking - only to myself, and quite often I have an idea what I’m going to say anyway. But so be it, let’s hear some truth then before I have to abdicate...”
  Did he sit again?

Very much looking forward to Part V, Art.  thumbup
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« Reply #18 on: 08 January 2013, 06:12:58 »

Will fix the mention things - thanks for the suggestions, Alt! Hope that I can conclude the story tomorrow and make final revisions, so stay tuned for the last part :)
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« Reply #19 on: 09 January 2013, 06:03:30 »

And here it is, the final part of the story, 3 1/2 more pages of the overall 18 pages long tale. Hope you enjoy the rest of it - thanks to anyone for reading and commenting! :)

P.S. Fixes Altario suggested are included as well (as a matter of fact BTW: Yes, he had stood up before, so that's in fact correct). Two or three sentences in the first part were also added, just to make things fit better together, though. You don't miss anything if I don't point them out explicitly here ;)
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"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Shabakuk Zeborius Anfang
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« Reply #20 on: 09 January 2013, 07:48:17 »

Quote
I hestitated what to do next. Everything in front of us seemed unchanged since we had arrived, and yet it all was different: the stone chairs, the skeletons, the ruins, the moonlight, even we did, now that the stranger had revealed to us that we were in mortal danger if we only decided to stay.
... hesitated ...
... even we were (different) (?) ...

Yep, it was the ending that I had expected. I liked how you finished with a punch (the last sentence). Good storytelling skill, Sage!
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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #21 on: 11 January 2013, 18:38:00 »

I agree, both ending and beginning are very good, though I liked the beginning with the fool also. It was sharper, more inviting to read on.  But to introduce the name might really have been the better choice. The end was predictable, if one read a part in the beginning carefully. Actually, I reread that part, looking if I was right and there were two men sitting in the boat when it approached and then suddenly just one when it came near. And wondered!

I need to reread it when I have some more time and not feel hunted from my daily tasks. When reading it with a lot of people in the house I felt the story is a bit lengthy, I wanted to hurry on. But maybe one should not read such a story without enough time on your hands, probably I would have found any other story lengthy also.

The best thing is - it is finished! Coren away for half a year and child of spring just in the beginning, brrrr...

I started a story about the Himiko, but I won't torture you, not yet ;)

I could give you the first sentence!  rolling
« Last Edit: 11 January 2013, 18:39:56 by Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels » Logged

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« Reply #22 on: 11 January 2013, 19:16:16 »

I plan to still make a few changes this weekend, for one in order to adjust the passage at the beginning with the encounter a bit and make it more vague. I also think of shortening some parts especially at the beginning a bit, because the guy is just thinking too much and this hurts the flow. When there's more dialogue later the style at the beginning and the end don't quite match, there's definitely room for improvement. The last part will also need some more stylistic updates I'd say. One should always let a finished story rest a few days, return fresh to it to spot problems easier, and then do another revision - at least that's my take on it. So I'll try to get this done in the next days.
« Last Edit: 11 January 2013, 19:19:28 by Artimidor Federkiel » Logged



"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Shabakuk Zeborius Anfang
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« Reply #23 on: 13 January 2013, 00:13:56 »

One more nitpick: close to the beginning of Part II, you have 'phenomenons', which should be 'phenomena'.

You're still doing better than most English native speakers of my acquaintance, though, who think that 'phenomena' is the singular form.

I look forward to reading the story again in its fully revised form!
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« Reply #24 on: 15 January 2013, 05:02:28 »

... still revising, bear with me ...
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« Reply #25 on: 16 January 2013, 04:37:53 »

Ok guys, the story is now officially finished and uploaded on site already, so you can also download it in Word format if you like, see here. Various things were adjusted, some further mistakes fixed, lots of paragraphs split to make reading easier, some passages hopefully were written more effectively or more lively now, more direct speech was added here and there, but the content is still the same, so no new twist ending to expect... lol

If the one or the other still discovers a problem or two, let me know, and I'll still fix these things - always happy to have feedback. But basically I'd say this one's done and ready to be put officially on site. Sorry for the long delay to get it completed, but now it's done! Thanks to everyone who helped out with commenting and suggesting something, always appreciated! :D thumbup

P.S. I've not updated the version posted on the Forum here, so if you're looking for the finished text, get it from the site!
« Last Edit: 16 January 2013, 04:40:09 by Artimidor Federkiel » Logged



"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
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