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Author Topic: Rahaz Dath - a Haiku ?????  (Read 2053 times)
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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« on: 26 November 2001, 16:57:00 »

/me paces up and down thinking, shall I, shall I not? She never did any poetry before, and then in a foreign language? Shall she ask Bard Judith first??Forget it!
Next day, head full of pictures of the Rahaz Dath, again these words in the head ..... forget it , you don‘t even know if these are Haiku, though the 5-7-5 is not binding in English.... do some of the other works, finish them first...

/me finally jumps over her shadow and posts (they can‘t bite your head of)





********************************
golden dunes, gliding
singing sands bringing death
green leaves

sun burning down
motionless eyes, covered
death is waiting

full moon shining
frost hits the barren ground
a dune mouse

******************************

"Imagination is more important than knowledge; for knowledge is limited whileimagination embraces the entire world." - Albert Einstein

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"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path  that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking,  breathlessly. ~Don Juan"
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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #1 on: 27 November 2001, 16:42:00 »

Interesting pictures, Talia! Though I do some poetry as well, I have to admit that I don't know exactly about the nature of Haikus, though they seem to be quite popular. What exactly represents a Haiku except the 5-7-5 scheme?

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"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Bard Judith
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« Reply #2 on: 28 November 2001, 09:09:00 »


Stunning, Talia!

The 'curt' nature of a haiku seems to fit these people well.
Spare with words so as not to waste breath and its precious moisture - life and death linked, close to nature.

A few comments - in so short a space, I would try not to repeat any words (eg. 'death') , as the pattern does the rhythmic work instead.  Also, 'green leaves' was a dissonant picture for me, when everything else so evocatively suggested the desert - its beauty and its harshness.  

A possible revision below?  But do feel free to ignore my replacements, they are only suggestions.

********************************
golden dunes, gliding
singing sands bringing bones
dry grasses

sun burning down
motionless eye, covered
death is waiting

full moon shining
frost bites the barren ground
a dune mouse


Regards and praise from the Bard

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"Give me a land of boughs in leaf /  a land of trees that stand; / where trees are fallen there is grief; /  I love no leafless land."   --A.E. Housman
 
Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #3 on: 28 November 2001, 19:37:00 »

Rewritten with the help of our Bard Judith and approved by her :)  

Notice: They are not an ensemble but have to be read individually.


***********************

sun glare
bright brazen valleys
death is coming

***********************

sun burning down
motionless eyes, covered
death is waiting

***********************

golden dunes, gliding
singing sands bringing death
precious water

***********************

merciless sun
endlessly spanning sky
sand dragons flying

***********************

full moon shining
frost hits the barren ground
a dune mouse

***********************

south drifting stars
desert winds resting silently
love in her eyes

***********************


"Imagination is more important than knowledge; for knowledge is limited whileimagination embraces the entire world." - Albert Einstein

Edited by: Talia Sturmwind  at: 12/5/01 12:52:37 pm
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Bard Judith
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« Reply #4 on: 06 December 2001, 02:27:00 »

Lemme rephrase that (grin)

"Rewritten by Talia and approved of by Bard Judith"

Just to clarify, guys... I'm always available to comment, courteously critique, and make suggestions, but please don't feel you have to 'run' poetic stuff by me!  

I know Talia has appreciated my ideas and used some of my word choices, so I just want to let the rest of you be aware of that.  I'm flattered that you think my opinion is worth having on your poetry, and will try to deserve it!

Regards from the Bard

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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #5 on: 06 December 2001, 17:59:00 »

Ok, I guss we can finally move the first Haikus on the site as well now:)  Thanx, Talia - Santharia really offers everything for everybody...

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"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
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