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Author Topic: Blood of the Demon (Shadows)  (Read 6994 times)
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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #15 on: 20 November 2001, 15:26:00 »

Yup, also wanted to comment here, now that I've finally read the whole chapter:)  Indeed the descriptions are very well done, not only the battle scenes, but also landscape descriptions and several other atmospheric things you add to the story. We want more, yup!

The only problem I had when reading the text is that you definitely do too much commas, Winlok! They made the text quite difficult to read. Typos/misspellings were mostly corrected in the final version, so no problem here, but there were several commas which didn't belong there. *grin* Well, I've complained a bit to Capher in his previous chapter that he did too few commas and now I know where they all have gone;)

Just a few examples what I mean, and I guess our teacher Judith will confirm that there are too many commas in these sentences:

"The peasant, regarded, Ergoths apparent shock, with little interest."

"The plateau of open air, was an invitation to stay."

"Along the walls, candles melted away."

"He noticed that in her answer, she had already captured the apprehension in his voice."

Just wanted to point this out, Winlok. A bit fewer commas are quite ok;)  

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Capher
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« Reply #16 on: 20 November 2001, 15:28:00 »

Comma's and Art don't get along. Either you have too many or too few.;)  

With deepest regards,Capher

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Winlok
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« Reply #17 on: 20 November 2001, 16:45:00 »

"The peasant, regarded, Ergoths apparent shock, with little interest."

"The plateau of open air, was an invitation to stay."

"Along the walls, candles melted away."

"He noticed that in her answer, she had already captured the apprehension in his voice."

Just wanted to point this out, Winlok. A bit fewer commas are quite ok

You are absolutely correct. I purposely tried to cut down the amount of commas, as I did typos in the final copy. And that wyvern fiasco was a doozy, as you know, I still didn't get them all. There should be, in most cases, one comma per sentence, unless it's rather long. Here is the way the above should be. The above sentences with the exception of the first two, are okay. The third one should have been attached to another sentence, or else I messed up and gave you the wrong copy. I did little changes here and there, and possibly overlooked it. There should be at least a verb and a noun before every comma.

"The peasant regarded, Ergoths apparent shock with little interest."

"The plateau of open air was an invitation, to stay."

This is how it should look. . Along the walls candles melted away, and in some places built up into small neat piles.

"He noticed that in her answer, she had already captured the apprehension in his voice."


The first one has been changed but I didn't change anymore. I'm afraid to look at chapter one again. It's probably riddled with to many commas. :lol  

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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #18 on: 20 November 2001, 16:53:00 »

I've corrected everything in the uploaded version (this are just some examples), but I corrected the sentences this way:

"The peasant regarded Ergoth's apparent shock with little interest."

"The plateau of open air was an invitation to stay."

"He noticed that in her answer she had already captured the apprehension in his voice."

I guess there are no commans necessary in all these sentences. German usually is a language where punctuation is much more complicated than in English, but at these cases I wouldn't even do commas in German. Well, we need a teacher's word here - Judith?

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Bard Judith
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« Reply #19 on: 09 December 2001, 06:33:00 »

"The peasant regarded Ergoth's apparent shock with little interest."

"The plateau of open air was an invitation to stay."

"Along the walls, candles melted away."

"He noticed that in her answer she had already captured the apprehension in his voice."

Going only with the punctuation, and not with the styling or flavour of the sentences, the ideal would be as above.  

No commas are necessary in any of the sentences.  
However, an apostrophe for "Ergoth's" IS absolutely essential.  Commas separate complete thoughts, usually called 'phrases'.  They can be inserted to create a pause and slow down a spoken sentence, as in number three, which can contain a comma or not, at the writer's discretion.  

That official enough for you, Oh Great Sage? (smiles)

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Bard Judith

"If you will listen to this lay but a little while now,
I will tell it at once as in town I have heard it told,
as it is fixed and fettered
in story brave and bold,
thus linked and truly lettered,
as was loved in this land of old."

J.R.R.Tolkien, 'Sir Gawain and the Green Knight'

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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #20 on: 09 December 2001, 08:34:00 »

Yup, thanx Judith! So to summarize it all:

Capher: Do some more commas!
Winlok: Do some less!
Bard Judith: Do exactly the amount of commas you think appropriate;)  

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Capher
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« Reply #21 on: 09 December 2001, 11:53:00 »

:lol  :lol  Yes oh great sage. BTW do I send my chapters now to Bard for editing and integrating or do I send them to you still?

Wisdom is given to those whom it knows.Capher

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« Reply #22 on: 09 December 2001, 14:24:00 »

Good question. Now that Bard Judith has finished her exams (from the other side that is) and got rid of vicious misspelling attacks she'll get assaults from the Santharian front, eh? - Well, don't know... I have to read the texts anyway before putting them up (and not always do everything right), but Judith is trained here...

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« Reply #23 on: 10 December 2001, 04:03:00 »

Arrrrrghghgh!   Noooooh!  

I'm locked in my little study at the top of my extremely tall tower in the middle of the haunted woods with the guard wolves outside!  

And I'm enjoying a quiet hot cup of Ch'aa while flipping through old parchments and collected manuscripts, looking for (read 'composing') more information on the StoneFathers...

Possibly I shall even have time for a Doch-Nut-n-Koka-Chip  Cookie (recipe available upon request) and a look through my Herbarium sketches, ...

But I WON"T be available to correct punctuation errors!

(takes deep breath, calms down, smiles sweetly)
Regards from the Bard...

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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #24 on: 10 December 2001, 04:24:00 »

:lol  :lol  :lol  Poor, poor teachers!

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Dala Valannia
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« Reply #25 on: 10 December 2001, 21:04:00 »

Eh, if it's okay, I'll send my latest chapters to Art per norm? It's a habit I can't break...I like to torture him occasionally by making him read my stories :lol  This might fall under cruel and unusual punishments!

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« Reply #26 on: 11 December 2001, 12:56:00 »

:lol  :lol  :lol  I don't think so Dala, at least you have your comma's in place. If reading your stories are cruel and inhuman punishment. Then reading mine must be hair pulling out and inquisition torture for Art. Maybe that is why he has gray hair and balding for such a young man? :lol  ;)  

Wisdom is given to those whom it knows.Capher

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« Reply #27 on: 11 December 2001, 14:11:00 »

No prob, Dalá! In fact I enjoy to be tortured by your stories:)  

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