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Author Topic: Poem for the Kasumarii  (Read 1328 times)
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Xarl
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« on: 23 December 2001, 23:36:00 »

Nightchild

Night beckons
A flash of silver
Moon watches above

Waves crash
On a sandy shore
Leaving one there

She rises
Night-child
One with darkness

Guards sleep
Two sounds later
Their sleep eternal

Door closed
Locked and barred
Shadow cares not.

Black wire
In and around
The door opens

He sleeps
Meddling one
Enemy of Them

She leaves
Her work done
Returns to darkness

Smiles
Sickle wet
Not with seawater

His wife awakes
His head
Looking at her

Inscribed
On his skin
One strange word

  Kasumarii

My, my, I'm feeling dark right now. Still, how is it?

Xarl Bluestride, Archmage of the White Arcana, Master of the Magic Forum, and generally cool guy. All requests are to be written on the back of a ten-dollar bill (or equivelant thereof) placed on a dead ferret, and tossed in the sewer system.
Xarl Bluestride
Owner of the longest sig in Santharia

Edited by: Xarl at: 12/23/01 5:37:20 am
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Xarl
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« Reply #1 on: 24 December 2001, 20:45:00 »

Sigh... I'm beginning to wonder if I need to respond to my own topics to get y'all to notice them. No offense, mind, but I'm noticing a pattern.

Xarl Bluestride, Archmage of the White Arcana, Master of the Magic Forum, and generally cool guy. All requests are to be written on the back of a ten-dollar bill (or equivelant thereof) placed on a dead ferret, and tossed in the sewer system.
Xarl Bluestride
Owner of the longest sig in Santharia

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Bard Judith
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« Reply #2 on: 27 December 2001, 08:40:00 »

Xarl:

Sorry, I've been off enjoying a peaceful Christmas vacation.  


Re the poem:

Dark.
Effective.
Short lines - very similar to your other work.

However, I  LIKE  that in this one.  It's punchy, creepy, and simple.  I have nothing but praise for the form here.

BUUUUUT....(looks over the tops of her glasses at him)
I don't care for the short lines in the other poem - specifically the Queprur one - and the inconsistent use of vocabulary.  Go over and have a look at my comments there, ok?

;)   The Kasumarii are developing wonderfully - very three-dimensional society and characters, aided by these little touches.  Now if only I knew what they ate....


Regards from the Bard...

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"Give me a land of boughs in leaf /  a land of trees that stand; / where trees are fallen there is grief; /  I love no leafless land."   --A.E. Housman
 
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