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Author Topic: My latest Godly Works  (Read 1675 times)
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Xarl
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« on: 24 December 2001, 21:05:00 »

My thanks to Master Arti for collecting these into one collection, by the way. Now, in honor of Queprur...

Black Ice

A palace, most cold
She sits on its throne
alone, still, unfallen
a Queen of both Ice and Bone

Smiling, she thinks back
to an elvish priestess
disbelieving in Her?
refusing her Mistress?

who chanted and prayed
to the All-Mother
unknown to her
she angered the Other

the Dark One stirred
Fire and Earth awoke
fate was sealed then
Her cold mask broke

rage filled Her
Fire-Lust grinned
She did not care
The she-elf had sinned

her Sickle flashed red
in the moon's silver light
blood trickled down
robes that once were white

The smile is gone
from the Queen on her throne
She looks through the past
through her mirror of Ice and Bone

  So it was in the Beginning, and so it shall be in the End.
Ahem... Better?

Xarl Bluestride, Archmage of the White Arcana, Master of the Magic Forum, and generally cool guy. All requests are to be written on the back of a ten-dollar bill (or equivelant thereof) placed on a dead ferret, and tossed in the sewer system.
Xarl Bluestride
Owner of the longest sig in Santharia

Edited by: Xarl at: 12/27/01 3:42:27 am
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Bard Judith
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« Reply #1 on: 27 December 2001, 08:58:00 »

(bard gives a courteous nod to Xarl, sips her hot chocolate sans marshmallows and poises her quill)

A smile, most cold
She sits on a throne
alone, still, unfallen
a Kingdom of Ice and Bone

 The first two lines are switched in subject - we are usually introduced to the person before details about her... and the last line does not scan with the second.  Also, why such short lines?  Commonly, this kind of scansion is used for comic or 'folksy' effect - for drama, you might want to use a more solemn or paced line....say pentameter.  Especially if you want to use rhyme, which I applaud, as far too many people think 'free verse' is somehow more poetic...

For example:    On bone-white lips a smile cold / She sits upon her throne / unchallenged and unfallen still / A queen of ice and stone... [i/]

She laughed once
elvish priestess
disbelief in Her?
refusing her Mistress?

 sorry - this is a bit abstruse... could we make the reference a bit clearer?  Another reason for using longer lines...to include more information... :)   [i/]

she chanted and prayed
to the All-Mother
unknown to her
she angered the Other

the Dark One stirred
Fire and Earth awoke
fate was sealed then
Her cold mask broke

 gives a good picture of the history involved, although very choppy in feeling...[i/]

rage filled Her
Fire-Lust smiled
She did not care
She was now riled

 Oh, ouch!  After all this dark medieval styling which you have going, and the consistency of formal vocabulary up to this point -  'rage', 'unknown'  'sealed' 'awoke', for example - the word 'riled' comes as a horrible dissonance.  With its 'folksy' downhome connotations, it's like a cabbage in the middle of elegant tulips.  Please, rework this verse with some other word!  'filled'/'spilled' for the rhyme, or 'care/hair'? [i/]

her Sickle flashed red
in noon's golden light
blood trickled down
robes that once were white

 mmmm, much better - although why noon?  Wouldn't 'moon's silver light' carry through the 'gothick' theme more effectively? [i/]

The smile is gone
from the Queen on her throne
She looks at the past
through her mirror of Ice and Bone

 Like the parallel with the first verse - but I still wish you'd go for longer line scansion.  Could you make this even more wistful, as a contrast to the violence of the verse before?  We need to feel some sympathy for the goddess, understanding the dark forces which drive Querprur to her actions...[i/]

That the kind of detailed commentary you were looking for, Xarl?  I really appreciate your imagination and the amount of effort you put into your posts.  Remembering that poetry is very personal, I've tried to be as kind and yet as honest as possible.  See if you'd like to rework it in a more elegant structure, and find out what happens to the 'feel' of the poem.

R

Bard Judith

"If you will listen to this lay but a little while now,
I will tell it at once as in town I have heard it told,
as it is fixed and fettered
in story brave and bold,
thus linked and truly lettered,
as was loved in this land of old."

J.R.R.Tolkien, 'Sir Gawain and the Green Knight'

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"Give me a land of boughs in leaf /  a land of trees that stand; / where trees are fallen there is grief; /  I love no leafless land."   --A.E. Housman
 
Xarl
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« Reply #2 on: 27 December 2001, 21:35:00 »

Yeah, I kinda felt something was wrong with that one. [mutter]  I knew that with no marshmallows I was in for it... [/mutter] Ahem... I'll edit and incorporate.

Xarl Bluestride, Archmage of the White Arcana, Master of the Magic Forum, and generally cool guy. All requests are to be written on the back of a ten-dollar bill (or equivelant thereof) placed on a dead ferret, and tossed in the sewer system.
Xarl Bluestride
Owner of the longest sig in Santharia

Edited by: Xarl at: 12/27/01 3:44:20 am
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Bard Judith
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« Reply #3 on: 29 December 2001, 00:36:00 »

Ooops!  Very sorry to make you read through all that in italics, Xarl!  Arti just told me how to do it, and I guess I got the "turn-off-italics' code wrong (blush)...

(Peers closely into Xarl's eyes) hmmm....they look a bit strained.  Now why don't you just sit back and close them a minute (places two cool Bai'ian Cha bags over his eyelids solicitously) and listen while I sing you my latest ode....

(Hauls out her lute and begins strumming, then realizes the weary Archmage has fallen asleep).

Hm.  Oh, well, I guess carrying that signature around all the time would tire out anyone!  I'll just creep quietly out of the room, then, and let him catch up on his beauty nap....

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"Give me a land of boughs in leaf /  a land of trees that stand; / where trees are fallen there is grief; /  I love no leafless land."   --A.E. Housman
 
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