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Author Topic: Another "Of The Eternal"  (Read 2234 times)
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Xarl
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« on: 27 December 2001, 22:07:00 »

Here we go...
Apocalypse
  ...and so it shall be in the End.

The Shadow shall come
The Dream shall shudder (?)
The Dreamer will wake
Through the dark force of the Other

The Injera draws closer
War shall ride forth then
And Lust wields a free hand
As Black Fire consumes Sorren

The Deep Forge is shattered
The last Hunt-hound dies
Death waits for the last stand
As Earth falls, to never rise.

The Seas boil and dry up
The Harvest is sand
The Seer feels sorrow
At the Waterless Aér'aí'chán

The Winds cut through the living
Peace leaves all but the dead
While the Healer is helpless
To soothe those bathed in red

The Last Stand is mounted
To save Ava's Dream
Their task: To hold off
The Shadow, the Obscene

And after that?


So, what is the judgement by my august comrades?

Xarl Bluestride, Archmage of the White Arcana, Master of the Magic Forum, and generally cool guy. All requests are to be written on the back of a ten-dollar bill (or equivelant thereof) placed on a dead ferret, and tossed in the sewer system.
Xarl Bluestride
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Edited by: Xarl at: 12/27/01 11:26:03 pm
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Gean Firefeet
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« Reply #1 on: 28 December 2001, 01:58:00 »

As you requested more comments... I'm not even close to someone who knows something about poetry, still I'll try and say something useful.

I think the last line of each strophe is too long compared to the one of the first part. "Through the force of the other" sounds just right, while all others afterwards just sound wrong somehow... too long IMHO.

Third strophe: mind not using the same word to often if not ment as repetition: you have both "sound" and "resound"...maybe "echo" instead?

Hope it helps you on the long and winding road towards perfection...


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Xarl
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« Reply #2 on: 28 December 2001, 17:19:00 »

Gean, I know nothing about poetry, but I write it. Your comment is recieved, and the problem is that I couldn't think of any other way to make the rest harmonize. Eh. I'll fix that...

Xarl Bluestride, Archmage of the White Arcana, Master of the Magic Forum, and generally cool guy. All requests are to be written on the back of a ten-dollar bill (or equivelant thereof) placed on a dead ferret, and tossed in the sewer system.
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Bard Judith
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« Reply #3 on: 29 December 2001, 00:43:00 »

Xarl - yep, haveta agree with Gean on the scansion, but you knew that already!  ;)   I would prefer to see a longer, less choppy line used overall.  However, I WOULDN'T argue that it must always match; a deliberate halt or extension can create a very powerful effect.

EG:

Sleep, my babe,
throughout the night,
No dark dreams
Shall thee affright.
Sleep and rest in slumber now serene.

Here we have a 4/4/5 pattern, with the iambic foot changing to pentameter on the last line - it slows and softens the entire verse, just as the baby's breathing might slow into sleep.  The trick is to use it consistently and skillfully..... :)

The vocabulary is much more unified on this poem, creating a shadowy and plaintive effect which works well over the several stanzas.  Also, the subject was an area of Santharian 'history' that could really use the detail!  Well done, Xarl - keep the series going!

Regards from the Bard

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Xarl
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« Reply #4 on: 15 January 2002, 23:02:00 »

Ahem, Master Arti seems to have missed this one... *shove*

Xarl Bluestride, Archmage of the White Arcana, Master of the Magic Forum, and generally cool guy. All requests are to be written on the back of a ten-dollar bill (or equivelant thereof) placed on a dead ferret, and tossed in the sewer system.
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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #5 on: 17 January 2002, 16:49:00 »

Is this the final version, Xarl? There still is a "(?)" up there in the text... All Bard Judith things integrated?


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« Reply #6 on: 17 January 2002, 17:03:00 »

If it interferes with the Apocalypse as foretold, it needs changing, but otherwise it's done.

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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #7 on: 21 January 2002, 10:52:00 »

Will be up, but I see 2 rhyming problems:

1.) then - Sorren:
As far as I know the "o" is stressed at Sorren and spoken short and expressive, so I'd pronounce it Sórren (similar to "kíller" for example). If so, the rhyme wouldn't fit.

2.) sand - Aér'aí'chán
This rhyme also isn't pure if spoken English and spoken with German pronounciation (which I've used parly at the styrásh tongue) the last á would be spoken like in "run", but longer.

Rest is fine with me;)  


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"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Greybark
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« Reply #8 on: 21 January 2002, 12:22:00 »

1. Depends on the accent of the speaker. Then and Sorren rhyme to me, even after your pronunciation changes for sorren...


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