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Author Topic: Kasumarii Poem 2  (Read 1001 times)
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Xarl
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« on: 28 January 2002, 19:18:00 »

  Nocturne of Love
The night is your guard
But your shadow my life
My love beyond immortal trial.
Your eyes, sweet as wine
More deadly than any
Poison in a dark crystal vial.

The light of your face
The dark of my soul
Bound as are sun and moon
The blood on my hands
The rose within yours
Resounding with timeless tune

My heart is bared
An empty cup
For you to leave or take
But should you spurn
My greatest gift
This vessel will soon break.

I await your answer.
  Kasumar

*Letter from Kasumar Nightson to Tyrajall Greendeath, possibly the most famous poem on the island of Guldor.*
Well, a foray into the romantic. If it could be added seperate from the rest once finished? Opinions?

Xarl Bluestride, Archmage of the White Arcana, Master of the Magic Forum, and generally cool guy. All requests are to be written on the back of a ten-dollar bill (or equivelant thereof) placed on a dead ferret, and tossed in the sewer system.
Xarl Bluestride
Owner of the longest sig in Santharia

Edited by: Xarl at: 1/29/02 5:14:19 am
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Bard Judith
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« Reply #1 on: 28 January 2002, 20:17:00 »

Xarl - if you'd like a couple of comments -  The scansion is very consistent and the overall feeling strong and passionate.  A couple of words, especially the rhymes, feel forced or inconsistent.  I changed a few lines to demonstrate how the metaphor could be extended (ex. the heart as a vessel) and also tried a few different readings.  Please let me know what you think?    


Nocturne of Love

The night is your guard
But your shadow my life
My love beyond mortal ken
Your eyes, sweet as roses
And as deadly as any
Drake bound in den.
........
The night is your guard
Your shadow my life
My love beyond all trial.
Your eyes, sweet as wine
More deadly than any
Poison in fragile vial.
......

The light of your face
The dark of my soul
Bound as are sun and moon
The blood on my hands
The red of your lips
Resounding with timeless tune
...........

My heart is set out
An empty cup
For you to leave or take
But should you spurn
My greatest gift
This vessel will soon break.
................
My heart is set out
A flowing  cup                       
For you to leave or drain
But should you spurn
My humble gift
The vessel will break in twain.


Bard Judith

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"Give me a land of boughs in leaf /  a land of trees that stand; / where trees are fallen there is grief; /  I love no leafless land."   --A.E. Housman
 
Xarl
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« Reply #2 on: 29 January 2002, 23:11:00 »

Personally, the main problem I saw was with the first line. Thanks for the assist! Let's see...

Xarl Bluestride, Archmage of the White Arcana, Master of the Magic Forum, and generally cool guy. All requests are to be written on the back of a ten-dollar bill (or equivelant thereof) placed on a dead ferret, and tossed in the sewer system.
Xarl Bluestride
Owner of the longest sig in Santharia

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