* 
Welcome Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?


*
gfxgfx Home Forum Help Search Login Register   gfxgfx
gfx gfx
gfx
Pages: [1] 2
Print
Author Topic: No Clue What To Do With This  (Read 4757 times)
0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
Drogo
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 0
Offline Offline

Posts: 1.247



View Profile
« on: 03 February 2002, 02:55:00 »

Like the title says, no idea.  It came to me and well I didn't want to put it up here to be honest, with all of the other wonderful poetry here, but I figured it would be best and I could learn something from it.  Besides right now it's too short for me to take it too hard if no one likes it lol  ;)

Blissful ignorance
torn away with insistence
by the knowledge elves have brought.

Unnamed things awoken
for the price of a token
by the greed dwarves have brought.

Tears of blood have splattered
upon ground that’s been shattered
by the war orcs have brought

The seeds of time have been sown
and the end of all is known
by the change men have brought

Drogo Lord of the North and Places Supervisor May Helvet bring courage to your blade, and Teimor grant death to your enemies

Logged
Anaea the Marked
Newbie
*

Gained Aura: 0
Offline Offline

Posts: 344


View Profile
« Reply #1 on: 03 February 2002, 13:08:00 »

Great Drogo! And you said you couldn’t write anything! :)  *shakes Drogo's hand heartily*

But, being true to my perfectionist nature, here are a few comments: ;)

Is this a poem written by man? I get the impression from a) the first stanza about ignorance being torn away by the elves- it seems that the elves would have torn away man’s ignorance the most brutally. (at least from man’s view) and b) the last stanza- seemingly favoring the men?

While I’m not [much] involved in the history here- it seems to me that you could use this as a common “saying” among the race of man. Maybe something along the lines of a moral bedtime rhyme told to children before they fall asleep?  

But I like it! Good job!

"Popai n'o sonko ligta luc for'is a ment'ik, popai o sonko lighta lac o mart."
Sor'inyt saying - "Ask not why the sun sets, but why it rises."

Logged
Xarl
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 1
Offline Offline

Posts: 1.335



View Profile
« Reply #2 on: 03 February 2002, 13:44:00 »

The call of the forsaken
Bids the Kuglimz awaken
From the night the gods have wrought

Might make a good ending or beginning add-on, that or something similar. Then we have a little Kuglimz related thingie!

Xarl Bluestride, Archmage of the White Arcana, Master of the Magic Forum, and generally cool guy. All requests are to be written on the back of a ten-dollar bill (or equivelant thereof) placed on a dead ferret, and tossed in the sewer system.
Xarl Bluestride
Owner of the longest sig in Santharia

Logged
Capher
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 5
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 1.177



View Profile
« Reply #3 on: 03 February 2002, 14:21:00 »

I like it but I defer judgement to the MasterBard.

All rise, Judge Bard Judith entering her chambers.;)  

Capher, Tribes and Races Supervisor Moderator.Wisdom is given to those whom it knows.

Logged

I live to but to serve my Goddess Seyella and Talon Hawke; son, heir and Wizard of the White Tower-defender of the lands and peoples of Caelereth!
Anaea the Marked
Newbie
*

Gained Aura: 0
Offline Offline

Posts: 344


View Profile
« Reply #4 on: 03 February 2002, 22:29:00 »

*solemnly and respectively rises from her spectator seat*

"Popai n'o sonko ligta luc for'is a ment'ik, popai o sonko lighta lac o mart."
Sor'inyt saying - "Ask not why the sun sets, but why it rises."

Logged
Bard Judith
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 365
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7.650


Dwarvenmistress


View Profile Homepage
« Reply #5 on: 04 February 2002, 02:25:00 »

(rolls eyes and tries not to snicker, before adjusting her wig and pacing gravely in....that better not be a piece of toilet paper stuck on the heel of my shoe!)


Ok, couple of things - nice structure and parallelism.  Creates the 'folk' effect well.   A few tiny scansion problems, which can be fixed VERY easily by deleting one word or even syllable (see below - no rewriting necessary!)  I liked the Kuglimz suggestion, not only for the extra stanza, but for the use of another rhyme word - wrought.  

Why not?  Plenty available, and would spike the interest level for each stanza if you did something like:

(warning - minor changes follow)

Blissful ignorance
destroyed with insistence
by the knowledge elves have sought.

Unnamed things awoken
for the price of a token
by the greed dwarves have brought.

Tears of blood splattered
on ground that’s been shattered
by the war orcs have fought.

The seeds of time have been sown
and the end of all known
by the change men fear not.


Not to blame the orcs for everything, of course, but I think the point might be made more effectively by changing the verb.  And all bets are off for the last verse - you could play around with that and have it be completely different - the punch line of the piece, as t'were.

Well done!  (thumps gavel)  Court dismissed!  Next time just see me in my chambers...



 

Logged

"Give me a land of boughs in leaf /  a land of trees that stand; / where trees are fallen there is grief; /  I love no leafless land."   --A.E. Housman
 
Capher
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 5
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 1.177



View Profile
« Reply #6 on: 04 February 2002, 12:40:00 »

;)   Drogo she wants to see you in her chambers.  Ooooh I feel a scandal coming.:lol    Now that's what we need is a good scandal in the court of Santharia. :lol    It would take our minds off some unpleasent discussions around here abut magic and soul genies and so forth.;)  

Capher, Tribes and Races Supervisor Moderator.Wisdom is given to those whom it knows.

Edited by: Capher at: 2/3/02 6:43:37 pm
Logged

I live to but to serve my Goddess Seyella and Talon Hawke; son, heir and Wizard of the White Tower-defender of the lands and peoples of Caelereth!
Anaea the Marked
Newbie
*

Gained Aura: 0
Offline Offline

Posts: 344


View Profile
« Reply #7 on: 04 February 2002, 13:00:00 »

soul genies?????!!!!  

"Popai n'o sonko ligta luc for'is a ment'ik, popai o sonko lighta lac o mart."
Sor'inyt saying - "Ask not why the sun sets, but why it rises."

Logged
Capher
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 5
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 1.177



View Profile
« Reply #8 on: 04 February 2002, 13:32:00 »

Yeah, read the magic thread Anaea. It is becoming downright wwf in there between Darren , Xarl, and Tarquet. ;)  

Capher, Tribes and Races Supervisor Moderator.Wisdom is given to those whom it knows.

Logged

I live to but to serve my Goddess Seyella and Talon Hawke; son, heir and Wizard of the White Tower-defender of the lands and peoples of Caelereth!
Artimidor Federkiel
Administrator
*****

Gained Aura: 538
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 23.091



View Profile Homepage
« Reply #9 on: 04 February 2002, 14:15:00 »

Do you have a name for your poem, Drogo? Need name to put up things. And it looks really nice from my point of view:)  


The Santharian Dream Webmaster - Let Fantasy Dreams come true!
World Development Admin - The Forum where Worlds are born...

Logged



"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Xarl
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 1
Offline Offline

Posts: 1.335



View Profile
« Reply #10 on: 04 February 2002, 15:11:00 »

Now I'm going to have to actually moderate something.... ah well, I signed up for it... *sigh*

Logged
Drogo
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 0
Offline Offline

Posts: 1.247



View Profile
« Reply #11 on: 05 February 2002, 11:30:00 »

Wow, didn't quite expect this much response lol.  Was actually a little ashamed to put it up.  Thank's everyone for your thoughts on it, I really appreciate it.  I must say that I like the changes you added Bard, and your idea as well Xarl.  I might try dabbling in this a little more.  As for a title ummmm....maybe something simple like "Of the Races" or something?

Drogo Lord of the North and Places Supervisor May Helvet bring courage to your blade, and Teimor grant death to your enemies

Logged
Drogo
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 0
Offline Offline

Posts: 1.247



View Profile
« Reply #12 on: 08 February 2002, 19:05:00 »

Here's the redone version.  Thanks everyone for making me first attempt come out a good one, and for your support.

Blissful ignorance
destroyed with insistence
by the knowledge elves have sought.

Unnamed things awoken
for the price of a token
by the greed dwarves have brought.

Tears of blood splattered
on ground that’s been shattered
by the war orcs have fought.

The seeds of time have been sown
and the end of all known
by the change men fear not.

The call of Surian
bids the Kuglimz awaken
from the night Gouran has wrought

Drogo Lord of the North and Places Supervisor May Helvet bring courage to your blade, and Teimor grant death to your enemies

Logged
Bard Judith
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 365
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7.650


Dwarvenmistress


View Profile Homepage
« Reply #13 on: 08 February 2002, 21:36:00 »

Hmmmm..... very nice ... but I'd rather hear it out loud.

(pauses, looks around the crowded courtroom...)

A private reading could be arranged with the poet, perhaps?

(flicks Drogo a sidelong look from green eyes and strides off to her chambers, judicial robe swishing behind her)











(there, that should give Santharia something more to gossip about!  Let's hope we haven't invented the Press yet...)

Logged

"Give me a land of boughs in leaf /  a land of trees that stand; / where trees are fallen there is grief; /  I love no leafless land."   --A.E. Housman
 
Anaea the Marked
Newbie
*

Gained Aura: 0
Offline Offline

Posts: 344


View Profile
« Reply #14 on: 08 February 2002, 23:42:00 »

good good... is "song of the races" the offical title then? :waggles eyebrows suggestively:

"Popai n'o sonko ligta luc for'is a ment'ik, popai o sonko lighta lac o mart."
Sor'inyt saying - "Ask not why the sun sets, but why it rises."

Logged
Pages: [1] 2
Print
Jump to:  

Recent
[27 March 2019, 00:01:57]

[21 June 2018, 14:28:00]

[31 May 2017, 06:35:55]

[06 May 2017, 05:27:04]

[03 April 2017, 01:15:03]

[26 March 2017, 12:48:25]

[15 March 2017, 02:23:07]

[15 March 2017, 02:20:28]

[15 March 2017, 02:17:52]

[14 March 2017, 20:23:43]

[06 February 2017, 04:53:35]

[31 January 2017, 08:45:52]

[15 December 2016, 15:50:49]

[26 November 2016, 23:16:38]

[27 October 2016, 07:42:01]

[27 September 2016, 18:51:05]

[11 September 2016, 23:17:33]

[11 September 2016, 23:15:27]

[11 September 2016, 22:58:56]

[03 September 2016, 22:22:23]
Members
Total Members: 1019
Latest: lolanixon
Stats
Total Posts: 144590
Total Topics: 11052
Online Today: 53
Online Ever: 700
(23 January 2020, 20:05:39)
Users Online
Users: 0
Guests: 34
Total: 34

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2005, Simple Machines
TinyPortal v0.9.8 © Bloc
Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!
Theme based on Cerberus with Risen adjustments by Bloc and Krelia
Modified By Artimidor for The Santharian Dream
gfx
gfxgfx gfxgfx