* 
Welcome Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?


*
gfxgfx Home Forum Help Search Login Register   gfxgfx
gfx gfx
gfx
Pages: [1]
Print
Author Topic: Magic  (Read 2474 times)
0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
Silfer Darkflare
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 1
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 2.477



View Profile
« on: 07 February 2002, 10:18:00 »

Avas thought became the winds
Magic from this evolved
Holding the world, binding the kins
It can many problems solve

Wizards it used
In the War of the Chosen
But because they it abused
They all died by dozen

Nearest to the magic the elves are
The great children of Ava
Using it to hold their kin
They first formed from the dream

Many artifacts were by magic made
Good or evil, memories will fade
Many things destroyed, many people killed
When the world was with magic filled



Please give some comments

Silfer Darkflare
Master of the Lightning, The Santharian Annoyer and Reminder.
Fanden st i alt som binder!
Fanden st i alle kvinner!
Untatt en......

Logged

Anaea the Marked
Newbie
*

Gained Aura: 0
Offline Offline

Posts: 344


View Profile
« Reply #1 on: 08 February 2002, 23:53:00 »

hmmm... after painfully tracking the meter - may i suggest you "rethink" just  few lines:

"Wizards it used"- maybe "many a wizard it used"?

"Many things destroyed, many people killed" -maybe just "many destroyed, many killed" or "deadly destruction of races gone" or something of the sort.

other then that i do like it- those two lines i think throw off the feel.. but hey- i'm not the offical word here: i just play around in the bard's sandbox.. :)  

"Popai n'o sonko ligta luc for'is a ment'ik, popai o sonko lighta lac o mart."
Sor'inyt saying - "Ask not why the sun sets, but why it rises."

Logged
Uragel
Newbie
*

Gained Aura: 1
Offline Offline

Posts: 796



View Profile
« Reply #2 on: 10 February 2002, 11:53:00 »

hehe <looks at the sand box and shys away>

I like the poem - <grin>

Uragel!
Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of the men of old; seek what they sought.
And then do what the women did.Character Description
Moderating Mistress - All Round "Little Helper"

Logged
Bard Judith
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 365
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7.650


Dwarvenmistress


View Profile Homepage
« Reply #3 on: 16 February 2002, 08:22:00 »

------------------------------------------

Avas thought became the winds
Magic from this evolved
Holding the world, binding the kins
It can many problems solve

Wizards it used
In the War of the Chosen
But because they it abused
They all died by dozen

Nearest to the magic the elves are
The great children of Ava
Using it to hold their kin
They first formed from the dream

Many artifacts were by magic made
Good or evil, memories will fade
Many things destroyed, many people killed
When the world was with magic filled

------------------------------------------------

Siffler:  Very sorry it has taken me so long to get to this!Editing poetry is an involved and effortful job, and I like to be thorough.  

First off - the rhyme is quite forced, which results in an awkward rhythm to the lines.  Since you are telling a story and need to create a sense of history, and use certain vocabulary, it might be easier to forget rhyme and use a more natural pacing.  

Pretend you are teaching this history to a group of attentive students - you need to be serious, measured, yet flexible.  Simply stick to a rhythmic pattern and don't worry about the endings.  The result will be solemn, rather like a chant, but not bouncy.  For example, if you chose a five-beat pattern (iambic pentameter), it could sound like this:

Avas thought became the world-wide winds,
And magic sprang from wind to make bright bonds.
This power held the world in ties of silk,
And problems solved with magic's wild breadth.

Note the stresses, which make it easy to read:

AVa's THOUGHT beCAME the WORLD-wide WINDS

and also the use of words with the same vowel sounds and beginning letters (assonance and alliteration)  The many "i" sounds keep it light and sparkling, while the repetition of "w" as an initial letter gives it the breathiness that imitates wind!  All I had to do was add the necessary adjectives to fill out the line, and restructure the grammar somewhat.

Wizards it used
In the War of the Chosen
But because they it abused
They all died by dozen

Next - there are some grammatical problems.  For example, the second verse needs to have the referent changed.  Right now it actually says that MAGIC ("it") used the WIZARDS, and I believe you meant it the other way around.  Once you eliminate the unnecessary rhymes, however, you will find that you have more freedom to choose vocabulary AND grammar structure.  "They it abused", for example,  is archaic, and shouldn't be used except for effect by a qualified medievalist!  (sorry, little 'in-joke' there!)  

Try making all the lines longer, remove the rhymes, and say what you meant to say without the 'forced' vocab.  Then try rearranging words to give the line the proper stress.  And feel free to write a few more stanzas!  We could definitely use a more complete 'history' of magic!

Let me encourage you, because it's a tricky job to write poetry, and it's even harder to put your 'baby' up for critique and watch people chew it apart!  I hope I've communicated clearly what I meant, and that you find it useful and constructive.  I'll wait to see the end result eagerly.

With regards - Bard Judith

Logged

"Give me a land of boughs in leaf /  a land of trees that stand; / where trees are fallen there is grief; /  I love no leafless land."   --A.E. Housman
 
Silfer Darkflare
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 1
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 2.477



View Profile
« Reply #4 on: 23 February 2002, 14:48:00 »

A wind arose in Avas dream
Flowing like a holy stream
Magic of it came
The dream was never the same

F'v'cl'r once stood so tall
Enemies it made
Couldnt bear the hard fall
Turned soon to shade

In the War of the Chosen long forgotten
People used powers rotten
All they died in the fight
Left was only hate and might

The towers of Ximax
Guard the sacred orb
Any magic climax
They can easily absorb

Many artifacts by magic were made
Good or evil, memories will fade
People were killed, cities destroyed
When magic entered the void

A day will come when forces rise
Colliding in the dying light
When Ava, being holy wise
Awakening ends the final fight



My dear bard, i want to keep the rhymes.

Silfer Darkflare
Master of the Lightning, The Santharian Annoyer and Reminder.
What is goos and what is evil depends on which side of the coin you see.

Logged

Bard Judith
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 365
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7.650


Dwarvenmistress


View Profile Homepage
« Reply #5 on: 23 February 2002, 19:45:00 »

You've obviously worked very hard on the rewrite, Silfer - very few of the lines are the same as the original, yet the thoughts and ideas are still contained, in some cases with greater clarity.  This tells me you put a great deal of effort into the content; in other words, you had something to say, a concept not all new poets feel they must subscribe to.

Your rhymes are much less forced in this version - more natural.  My aim in suggesting that you do away with rhyme was to simplify the process of creation - to examine one aspect of poetry at a time.  Often people get 'bogged down' in trying to make their endings match and completely ignore the demand of meaning, grammar rules, and even common sense in creating the rest of the line.  By all means, use rhyme; it is a powerful tool in forming and shaping poetic thought.  It is just not the only one.

Also, the word choice is more consistent.  What I mean by that is that often people working in a heroic or epic style use archaic expressions or structures alongside contemporary phrases and words, producing a very artificial and even jarring effect.  For example:

"His blade he raised and shoved it deep within the monster's stomach.  Then he took off with the gold from its lair" is awkward because of just such incongruous word choices.  

One can write "He shoved the knife deep into the unsuspecting clerk's stomach and took off with the money" (contemporary expressions and grammar)
OR
"The blade he raised / and thrust it deep into the monster's maw / The gold he sought lay in its lair / what treasures there he saw!" (historical structures and archaic words such as 'maw', 'sought', 'lair' create the flavour of the past here)

Here word choice has been simplified and no artificial archaisms are used, but the overall effect is still stately.

Some of the lines are still very irregular in length, which can produce a stilted effect -  your center two stanzas are the most varying,  so I'll choose them to examine.

----------------------------------------------------------------
In the War of the Chosen long forgotten
People used powers rotten
All they died in the fight
Left was only hate and might
-----------------------------------------------------------------

The first line reads with four stresses, like so:

In the WAR of the CHOsen LONG forGOTten

but then the second line goes to three stresses:

PEOple used POWers ROTten

The third line is also three but the fourth line goes back to four

This wouldn't be quite so obvious if the next stanza did not then go to only two stresses a line!

The TOwers of XIMax / GUARD the SACred ORB
----------------------------------------------
The towers of Ximax
Guard the sacred orb
Any magic climax
They can easily absorb
-------------------------------------------
Perhaps just a well-placed adjective to lengthen the line out to either four or three, preferably four stresses? Eg., "The mighty towers of Ximax" would do the job...


However, the first two stanzas work rhythmically, and the last two stanzas are strong and effective.  I particularly like the variety of tenses you've used - from the past tense statement "A wind arose in Ava's dream" to the wistful future "A day will come when forces rise" and the nice parallelism between those first and last stanzas.

Thank you for your dedication, and your willingness to accept intensive critique - never easy, but essential to the process of fleshing out a Dream!

With regards,

Bard Judith

Logged

"Give me a land of boughs in leaf /  a land of trees that stand; / where trees are fallen there is grief; /  I love no leafless land."   --A.E. Housman
 
Silfer Darkflare
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 1
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 2.477



View Profile
« Reply #6 on: 24 February 2002, 02:32:00 »

Hmmm, i will try to put in some thigns here and there

Silfer Darkflare
Master of the Lightning, The Santharian Annoyer and Reminder.
What is goos and what is evil depends on which side of the coin you see.

Logged

Artimidor Federkiel
Administrator
*****

Gained Aura: 538
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 23.091



View Profile Homepage
« Reply #7 on: 24 February 2002, 03:04:00 »

*hehe* I exactly mentioned the same line-length thingy on ICQ when talking to Silfer... But he just wanted to hear it from the Bard as well;)  


The Santharian Dream Webmaster - Let Fantasy Dreams come true!
World Development Admin - The Forum where Worlds are born...

Logged



"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Koldar Mondrakken
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 1
Offline Offline

Posts: 3.724



View Profile
« Reply #8 on: 24 February 2002, 05:33:00 »

In the vast void of space that was supposed to be filled with literatic knowledge I was disturbed by the same though I guess Bard is the far better work the flaws out and the poem is far better now!  

Koldar Mondrakken, Knight of the Moonlight
--Santharian Master of Disaster ;)--

Logged
Silfer Darkflare
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 1
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 2.477



View Profile
« Reply #9 on: 03 March 2002, 09:43:00 »

A wind arose in Avas dream
Flowing like a holy stream
Magic of these forces came
The dream was never the same

F'v'cl'r once stood so tall
Enemies it made
Couldnt bear the hard fall
Turned soon to shade

In the War of the Chosen long forgotten
People used many powers rotten
All they died in the bloody fight
Left was only hate and might

The ancient towers of Ximax
Guard the sacred orb
Any magic climax
They can easily absorb

Many artifacts by magic were made
Good or evil, memories will fade
People were killed, cities destroyed
When magic entered the void

A day will come when forces rise
Colliding in the dying light
When Ava, being holy wise
Awakening ends the final fight

Silfer Darkflare
Master of the Lightning, The Santharian Annoyer and Reminder.
What is goos and what is evil depends on which side of the coin you see.Edited by: Silfer Darkflare at: 3/2/02 3:44:21 pm

Logged

Bard Judith
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 365
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7.650


Dwarvenmistress


View Profile Homepage
« Reply #10 on: 06 March 2002, 17:43:00 »

Right, Sifler, I've had a look at the revision.

If you are satisfied with it, it can be moved to the site for next update.  Just let me know, or better yet, let Art know it's finished as far as you are concerned, and give him the link to this page.

Regards from the Bard

Logged

"Give me a land of boughs in leaf /  a land of trees that stand; / where trees are fallen there is grief; /  I love no leafless land."   --A.E. Housman
 
Pages: [1]
Print
Jump to:  

Recent
[27 March 2019, 00:01:57]

[21 June 2018, 14:28:00]

[31 May 2017, 06:35:55]

[06 May 2017, 05:27:04]

[03 April 2017, 01:15:03]

[26 March 2017, 12:48:25]

[15 March 2017, 02:23:07]

[15 March 2017, 02:20:28]

[15 March 2017, 02:17:52]

[14 March 2017, 20:23:43]

[06 February 2017, 04:53:35]

[31 January 2017, 08:45:52]

[15 December 2016, 15:50:49]

[26 November 2016, 23:16:38]

[27 October 2016, 07:42:01]

[27 September 2016, 18:51:05]

[11 September 2016, 23:17:33]

[11 September 2016, 23:15:27]

[11 September 2016, 22:58:56]

[03 September 2016, 22:22:23]
Members
Total Members: 1019
Latest: lolanixon
Stats
Total Posts: 144590
Total Topics: 11052
Online Today: 42
Online Ever: 700
(23 January 2020, 20:05:39)
Users Online
Users: 0
Guests: 21
Total: 21

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2005, Simple Machines
TinyPortal v0.9.8 © Bloc
Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!
Theme based on Cerberus with Risen adjustments by Bloc and Krelia
Modified By Artimidor for The Santharian Dream
gfx
gfxgfx gfxgfx