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Author Topic: Piearced Souls By Chronicler Llain  (Read 971 times)
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Llian Aarchim

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« on: 15 June 2002, 15:38:00 »

     Piearced Souls

      It blows and howls through minds and souls,
piercing fear into the lonely traveler of old.
Although he stays on the rain beaten road,
he never loses his heart nor bold.

His endurance knows no bounds towards thy quest,
so he continues with the walk and journey without rest.
And never losing faith in his dear sweet love,
he continues to journey on by, his love stays as strong as a dove in flight.

The dear sweet old man lost his wife,
endlessly loving her through trouble and strife.
And when he finally returned one day,
There is wife pale and gray, on the ground does she lay.

His faith and heart was never lost till this day,
as he cradled her head in his lap, stroking and comforting the dead.
And the mind and soul was finally pierced.
There her husband pale and gray, on the ground does he lay.

-Llian The Chronicler.

      Written by myself this time, about a man returning from war

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Edited by: Llian Aarchim at: 6/15/02 12:31:19 am
Artimidor Federkiel

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« Reply #1 on: 21 June 2002, 12:56:00 »

I see several inconsequences and problematic passages in this poem, Llian. Please, English speaking people, correct me if I'm wrong, cause especially at poems it could be that certain things indeed make sense.

"he never loses his heart nor bold" - I guess "bold" is completely wrong here, logically it should be "boldness", but this doesn't rhyme. But you can't write "bold" here.

"His endurance knows no bounds towards thy quest," (his? thy? What now?)

The length of the verses doesn't fit (some are much longer), also the rhyming seems to be arbitrary and some points. Guess you wanted to rhyme "dove" and "love", but the "dove"-line is much too long now and "dove" isn't at the end:

"Sweet" old man... Hmmm...

"And when he finally returned one day,
There (h)is wife pale and gray, on the ground does she lay."
Uhmm... returned ... does... Does it fit?

And again rhyming/sentence length problems at the final verse.

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"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
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