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Author Topic: Rain Of A Necromancer - with Chpt1 changes  (Read 6955 times)
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Aylix Goth
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« on: 19 November 2002, 10:18:00 »

Right, so you guys wanted me to make my Deserted Manion story a bit longer, (well those that replied did anyways) so I've started it as a proper story that hopefully can make it to the site...
(Warning contains small spoilers for people in Defenders of Rimmerain.)
Tell me what you think/what is wrong with it/ etc...
Rated PG probably because of swearing.




Rain Of A Necromancer

A Necromancer Slowly Gains Power
In The Eastern Lands Of Kanapa
While Orcish Tribes Gather Strength
In The Santharian Kingdom.
The Fates Of The Land Are
Intertwined With Those Of
Others Throughout The
Lands Of Sorren.
It Is Up To Them
To Determine The
Very Future For
Man, Elf And
Dwarven Kind…




~*Aylix Goth*~

My name is Aylix, not Alix, or Alyix, or Ailyxis, or Aylicks, or Aylecks, or Ailicks, or Ayilyks,
or Aeiliycks or for all the Canucks: Eh-lix! or any other variation!!
Admin at The World of Klintorth RPG forums. The friendly annoyance at The Santharian Board and at Klintorth World Forums.
My char descrip done kindly by Uragel


Brains you say?
You shoulda believed them when they said I bite!

Edited by: Aylix Goth  at: 12/9/02 3:41:24 pm
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Bard Judith
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« Reply #1 on: 19 November 2002, 10:20:00 »

Did you mean 'rain' as in precipitation, or 'reign' as in rule?

I think most necromancers would prefer the latter...

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"Give me a land of boughs in leaf /  a land of trees that stand; / where trees are fallen there is grief; /  I love no leafless land."   --A.E. Housman
 
Aylix Goth
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« Reply #2 on: 19 November 2002, 10:22:00 »

omg a reply already... its a play on words, when the story gets further on it will make sense ;)  



~*Aylix Goth*~

My name is Aylix, not Alix, or Alyix, or Ailyxis, or Aylicks, or Aylecks, or Ailicks, or Ayilyks,
or Aeiliycks or for all the Canucks: Eh-lix! or any other variation!!
Admin at The World of Klintorth RPG forums. The friendly annoyance at The Santharian Board and at Klintorth World Forums.
My char descrip done kindly by Uragel


Brains you say?
You shoulda believed them when they said I bite!

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Winlok
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« Reply #3 on: 24 November 2002, 15:21:00 »

This is what I thought Judith.

It doesn't have to be literal. That is great Aylix.

its a play on words, when the story gets further on it will make sense

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Aylix Goth
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« Reply #4 on: 25 November 2002, 11:19:00 »

Right then chapter one is all finished. As you can see it is a lot longer than it was....
Ive also spaced it out a lot, so its easier to read, with the font on here being about size 8, (well it is on my computer anyway.)

Comments Please :D  



~*Aylix Goth*~

My name is Aylix, not Alix, or Alyix, or Ailyxis, or Aylicks, or Aylecks, or Ailicks, or Ayilyks,
or Aeiliycks or for all the Canucks: Eh-lix! or any other variation!!
Admin at The World of Klintorth RPG forums. The friendly annoyance at The Santharian Board and at Klintorth World Forums.
My char descrip done kindly by Uragel


Brains you say?
You shoulda believed them when they said I bite!

Edited by: Aylix Goth  at: 11/24/02 5:26:09 pm
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Winlok
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« Reply #5 on: 25 November 2002, 16:48:00 »

I'm hoping that this works.I'm hoping you see a bigger text. I don't see a bigger text in your story, but it is spaced so it's cool on the ole' orbs. :)


Spacing it out is excellent. It will get read more by people, because it is easier on the eyes. I think by raising the font size. It will only be noticed if I have my Internet Explorer set to the same size as you, or maybe the size is already set by ezboard. If this works then it could be a possible work around. I am using the HTML font attribute of size [FONT SIZE=?][/FONT] Hopfully it works. It's set to 3.if you use the [H3] attribute as well you will get a bolder text.

ps: use these "<" instead of these "[".

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Aylix Goth
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« Reply #6 on: 25 November 2002, 17:09:00 »

yea will do...



right done it... finally... took its time, ezboard stuck some html in that p!$$ed itself off...

enjoy everyone



~*Aylix Goth*~

My name is Aylix, not Alix, or Alyix, or Ailyxis, or Aylicks, or Aylecks, or Ailicks, or Ayilyks,
or Aeiliycks or for all the Canucks: Eh-lix! or any other variation!!
Admin at The World of Klintorth RPG forums. The friendly annoyance at The Santharian Board and at Klintorth World Forums.
My char descrip done kindly by Uragel


Brains you say?
You shoulda believed them when they said I bite!

Edited by: Aylix Goth  at: 11/24/02 11:19:33 pm
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« Reply #7 on: 27 November 2002, 13:46:00 »

Right then, a couple of extra modifications made, like the name of a God changed because it doesnt exist on Sorren.

Well is it worth sending you Arti or not?
*excited at prospect of perhaps actually getting something onto the site*



~*Aylix Goth*~

My name is Aylix, not Alix, or Alyix, or Ailyxis, or Aylicks, or Aylecks, or Ailicks, or Ayilyks,
or Aeiliycks or for all the Canucks: Eh-lix! or any other variation!!
Admin at The World of Klintorth RPG forums. The friendly annoyance at The Santharian Board and at Klintorth World Forums.
My char descrip done kindly by Uragel


Brains you say?
You shoulda believed them when they said I bite!

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Lucirina Telor Vevan
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« Reply #8 on: 27 November 2002, 16:48:00 »

Slightly confusing.... I need more :)



Nunquam Credere Hospes Orc Cum Donum


From sunrise to sundown I live my life as a song.
Listen to the songbird, don't ignore it.

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Aylix Goth
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« Reply #9 on: 03 December 2002, 10:56:00 »

More to come Luci, just need to get my brain in gear of how to actually start the next chapter... which char to introduce next and how?
Anyone see anything wrong with it at all?



~*Aylix Goth*~

My name is Aylix, not Alix, or Alyix, or Ailyxis, or Aylicks, or Aylecks, or Ailicks, or Ayilyks,
or Aeiliycks or for all the Canucks: Eh-lix! or any other variation!!
Admin at The World of Klintorth RPG forums. The friendly annoyance at The Santharian Board and at Klintorth World Forums.
My char descrip done kindly by Uragel


Brains you say?
You shoulda believed them when they said I bite!

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Winlok
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« Reply #10 on: 08 December 2002, 17:46:00 »

Not enough description on some things. For example: and this may sound insignificant, but what do they wear, what color is his or her hair etc.

It's nice to have it spaced out, but when you don't have a lot of description from one paragraph to the next. It makes it seem choppy.

There is no history as to the pendant that Aylix wears in the fight with the orc. His pendant interested her as well it was imbued with a powerful energy, but what was the source of it?
If it is supposed to be a mystery, then good job! he!

I like the speach of the orc when he says human oomie. You slipped up a couple of times and said hoomie, was that by design?

One other thing. You might want to proofread a lot, it's amazing how many times one reads something and realizes "why did I say that"?

Another thing is quite often you used human instead of Aylix, and Aylix instead of human. Just be aware of who is speaking or thinking, it makes a difference. For example if you had someone narrating the whole story, you would use proper names like Aylix, Leia, Grunskrat, and use the third person (human) often. But if you were looking or thinking from the perspective of Aylix only, you would almost never use the word human, unless he was talking about himself. Grunskrat would use the word human wether he was thinking or looking. Leia would use the word human to describe Aylix, unless they were on intimate terms.

There now aren't you sorry you asked people to read your entry? :lol

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Aylix Goth
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« Reply #11 on: 08 December 2002, 18:33:00 »

Hell no! need more input!

About teh human/Aylix thing. I used human because I used Aylix very close together and thought it needed breaking up.

Yea hoomie was intentional. I put that when he got more serious (I think) like when he was annoyed etc.
I did put Aylix's hair colour... i think... i know it needs a helluva lot more decrip tho.
The pendant will be one of the main elements of the story, so for now its stays a mystery :b

i prob skip between tenses too...

Thanks Winlok... anyone else like to moan?



~*Aylix Goth*~

My name is Aylix, not Alix, or Alyix, or Ailyxis, or Aylicks, or Aylecks, or Ailicks, or Ayilyks,
or Aeiliycks or for all the Canucks: Eh-lix! or any other variation!!
Admin at The World of Klintorth RPG forums. The friendly annoyance at The Santharian Board and at Klintorth World Forums.
My char descrip done kindly by Uragel


Brains you say?
You shoulda believed them when they said I bite!

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Vintara Soprath
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« Reply #12 on: 09 December 2002, 16:12:00 »

hmmm perhaps get rid of earthy saying such as Go to Hell and  perhaps replace them with sayings like Ava will never forgive you and the like.... it is a VERY good story... cant wait for more...

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Lamertu Kthaen
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« Reply #13 on: 16 December 2002, 17:57:00 »

Rain trickled down the grubby windows of the Boars Head Inn, a constant pattering hitting the pane.

Aylix lay alone in the shabby inn room he had hired in the drowsy state between unconsciousness and consciousness.

That’s how he spent every day now. Alone. With nobody. He was no longer happy or carefree. That had been wrenched from him when Leia, an Elf, his first true love, was killed by an army of Orcs as he aided companions in the destruction of an evil warlock who had been turning people into daemons.


1) make it into one paragraph ( it's introducing the character of Aylix, and emphasizes his lonelyness)
2) leave out ", an elf", (it's irrelevant at this point in the story)

He still dreamt about her. Her beautiful eyes, enchanting smile, wonderful laugh…
He still also had nightmares about when she was killed before his eyes, while he was powerless to do anything.


again,1 paragraph

“Aylix!”
He turned, weapon ready; Orcish bodies lay at his feet. Leia was trapped in a corner of the large room. Her crossbow lay useless at her feet, an Orcish short sword held tightly in her hand, her knuckles white as she watched with nervous eyes the six Orcs around her, circling, moving to block her path at every move.
“LEIA!” The scream ripped itself from Aylix’s throat and he surged forward, his previous exhaustion of battle forgotten as he fought his way to reach the woman he loved.
A trail of crushed Orcish bodies lay behind him as the human flailed his warhammer around. Efér-óh burned brightly on his chest and fire coursed along his veins, adding strength to his limbs.


Again, change the "human" into something else: This part ofthe storyis told through the eyes of Aylix, so it would be weird for himto mention his race

She was still too far away. He managed to see her clumsily score a hit on one of the orcs. The Orc grunted in pain and anger and thrust his sword through Leia’s midriff.
Aylix tried desperately to double his attempts at proceeding through the hoard. To little avail, Leia sank to the floor, the sword still protruding from he stomach.
“No!” Aylix screamed, anger, hatred and frustration mingling in his voice. He sank down to his knees in disbelief less than five ped away from where she lay.
She was gone…
The flames surrounding Aylix intensified and started to turn black.
He started to stand slowly, as if strings were pulling him up. Black-red flames billowing around him.
“Argh!” he roared and the flames exploded around him, disintegrating orcs within a ten-ped radius.
The air reeked of ozone.
He sank back to the floor, the flames dying slowly. He crawled over to where Leia lay prone on the floor, the sword still embedded in her chest.
“Leia…” Aylix sobs, sinking down beside her.
“A…Ay…Aylix…” Leia coughs weakly “…one last time… Thank you Avá…”she says coughing again, blood spraying out of her mouth.
“Leia… Leia no, please no…” Aylix cries holding her gently.
“…I…love you…” she says labouredly and closes her eyes.
Her chest rose, and then fell. It didn’t rise again.
Aylix kisses her lips softly, hugging her body close to him.
“I love you…”Aylix whispers, holding her body as the battle rages on around him.
He did not see or hear the Orc sneak up behind him with an axe. Aylix turned at a sudden noise and cried out as the battle-axe hurtled towards h
~


You could of course end it with "his head", but the suddennes of the end emphasizes the suddennes of his waking up,so I think it's a great technique you used :)  

“Argh!” Aylix screams sitting up quickly his hands bolting to his face. The dream again... Changed though, slightly. That last Orc… never happened. He rubbed his dirty face; cold tears still fresh, leaving clean streaks through the dirt.
The memory was still painful. It always would be. He would never get over her. Ever. Two months they had known each other. It felt like an eternity. Whatever it was, it wasn’t long enough. A million lifetimes would never have been long enough.
He was leaving the town today. He was the last to do so; the others had left ages ago.
Aylix was no longer himself. He had been happy and enjoyed the world.
Now all he wanted to do was to kill.
And he would.
Some bastard would pay…


"Some bastard would pay"
This sounds really 8)  

Three Months Later


“We have a new challenger to face the invincible Grunskrat!!” Boomed the magically enhanced voice across the stadium.

It was a death match in the large arena. Warriors would fight to the death. Anything went. Including the law, none of it was legal.

The champion was a huge Losh-Oc Orc. Three peds tall, a ped wide, won nine hundred and ninety-nine. Lost none. Nine hundred and ninety-nine warriors, mages, barbarians of all races had thrown away their lives fighting this monster in this arena alone. Only the God’s knew how many he had killed outside the arena.


God's = gods

Aylix stood in the challenger’s entrance, a gap in the wall of the arena. Vary plain.

very :)  

Nothing fancy. Fancy was for the champion. The human was very untidy; a three-day stubble growing on his dirty face. His hands stained with dirt, his usually light blond hair dulled with mud. Scars riddled his hands; a large one marred his left cheek. The human felt lighter than usual, which was probably due to the fact that he wasn’t wearing his full plate armour, instead he wore the simple leather jerkin he usually wore, with a shirt and a pair of leggings. His worn leather boots adorned his feet.

You see :)  . You get to mention his race another time :p  

“Pre-sent-ing! AYLIX GOTH!!” Roared the announcer.

The crowd booed. They wanted the champion. This would be his thousandth match. He wouldn’t lose to a 19-year-old human. Aylix didn’t hear the announcer or the crowd. His eyes were locked on the champions’ door, an elaborately carved stone frame around it.


“AND NOW!!” The voice bellowed, somehow increasing in volume. “THE CHAMPION!” the crowd erupted in cheers.

“Don’t hurt yourself.” Aylix thought trying to remain calm by making light of the announcers enthusiasm. It wasn’t helping, Aylix’s fists were tightly clenched, his knuckles white. A fire burning in his eyes though. He was ready, if death came for him, so be it.

He breathed deeply, Efér-óh glowing gently around his neck, growing brighter with every exhalation.

“GRU-UNSKRAT!!!”

The crowd erupted in cheers afresh as the Losh-Oc appeared in the champion’s door.

Aylix started slightly, even at a just over two peds he was dwarfed in comparison to the monster Orc.

It roared loudly, its unusually dark green skin patched with lighter hues where scars had healed. It wore a sleeveless jacket that was stained red, as was were its patched trousers. Around its wrists were spiked wristbands; it also wore similar kneepads to make it all the more dangerous.

Aylix clenched his fists tighter, almost drawing blood, as he quickly glimpsed around the arena. Various weapons lay around, sadistic things like hooks and garrottes, but also more conventional weapons like swords and axes and, Aylix noted with grim satisfaction; a warhammer.

The Orc roared again and charged at Aylix who threw himself in the direction of his preferred weapon. He scooped it up as he rolled by it and carried rolling until he was standing. He held the warhammer ready facing the monster before him. It looked in interest at the human before him and Aylix guessed that few had made it past that first dive before.

“Very well ‘oomie.” The Orc growled low. “You wanna play wit’ da’ tois? You jes’ die more painful!” The Orc bowed down to pick up a war axe that lay on the floor.

Aylix saw an opening and launched himself at the Orc snarling.

The crowd gasped collectively.

The Orc blocked at the last possible second with the shaft of his axe.

“Cleva hoomie. Grunskrat’ll enjoy dis.” The Orc leered showing several broken teeth. Aylix growled and punched the Orc in the face hitting it square in the nose. It cracked loudly and green blood sprayed everywhere.

The Orc bellowed in pain and knocked Aylix back against a wall like he was a bug.

“Shit...” Aylix cursed rubbing his back.

“I wuz gonna go eezee on ya!” The Orc snarled, “But yoo’ll be beggin mah ta kill yoo wen Grunkskrat’s dun wit ya!”

“I’ve heard that before,” Aylix retorted dodging a wild swing where Aylix had been.

The human managed to punch the back of the Orcs leg with his fist as he dived past, the Orc stumbled down to one knee. Aylix swung his warhammer round at the Orcs head, but with a speed defying its bulk the Orc dodged and rolled out of the way, managing to catch Aylix’s left arm with one of the spikes on his kneepads.

“Ack!” Aylix muttered softly, moving backwards to escape the Orcs immediate reach.

The crowd erupted again with cheers for their champion, who stood opposite the underdog human, blood covering his green face.

Aylix chanced a look at his arm. The blow was light. He’d had worse but it seeped blood slowly. It wouldn’t stop unless it was bandaged up either. If this dragged on very long Aylix would probably die from lack of blood. The Orc wasn’t hampered by anything like that yet. He only had a nosebleed at the moment.

The Orc leered at the human sniffing slightly. He could smell red blood. He moved his hand up to rub the blood away that was obstructing his vision and Aylix saw a chance.

Feigning left, Aylix dived right and swung out with his warhammer catching the creature on its weapon arm.

As he continued past, the Orcs mailed fist caught the human across the back of the head. It wasn’t timed or judged, more of a reflex action. But Aylix went down, stunned slightly.

The Orc rubbed his arm absently and Aylix shook his head n disbelief. That blow should have broken the Orcs’ arm.

Aylix stood shakily to his feet as the Orc appealed to the crowd; its beady eyes still fixed Aylix who glanced hurriedly around the arena and saw a net at his feet.

Feigning as if the blow to the head was still bothering him, he dropped to one knee and moved his free hand to the net, which had its corners weighted.

As he had hoped the Orc suddenly vaulted at Aylix again. The human swiftly snatched up the net and hurled it at the Orcs legs. The creature stumbled as Aylix quickly stood and swung his warhammer as hard as he could at the Orcs head.

He’d slightly misjudged the timing though and hit the Orc in the upper part of his weapon arm.

This time a crack echoed across the arena and the crowd went quiet.


Great description of the fight :D  


~


Leia Goldenheart sat in the crowd with bated breath. She could remember nothing about the last four months but this human, Aylix, seemed familiar. His pendant interested her as well it was imbued with a powerful energy, but what was the source of it?

Maybe the handsome human would know… She caught himself in shock. She had feelings for this him! Even though she didn’t really know who he was.
“Come on Aylix..."she prayed silently. “Please Avá, help him.”


~


Leia lives! Yay:D  .

Aylix stood back slightly as the Orc held his arm, bellowing in pain and anger. It looked up at Aylix and the human stood transfixed by the Orcs stare.

His mind screamed at him to follow up his attacks, but his body refused to move. The Losh-Oc radiated fear and Aylix had been ensnared by it.

The Orc dropped its axe and hurtled towards Aylix roaring thunderously.

“MOVE AYLIX!!” a voice screamed and spurred him to out of the way.

The Orc hit the wall that had been behind Aylix giving him a second to recover.

He looked quickly around for the source of the voice; none of the other members of the crowd seemed to have heard it. It sounded painfully familiar though.

The Orc launched itself at Aylix again, but this time the human was ready. Swinging his warhammer with all the strength he could muster he aimed for the beasts head.

At the last possible instant, the Losh-Oc grabbed the weapon with his good arm and threw it aside. Straightening up, the Orcish warrior grabbed Aylix around the throat with his broken arm and picked up the human like a toy.

“Grrrk!” Aylix choked trying to claw the hand away from his throat.

“Yoo die now ‘oomie!” The Orc snarled; blood lust flaming in its eyes. “Yoo must suffer pain ferst though!” Grunskrat barked punching Aylix in the gut, then dropping him. Aylix hit the ground hard and coughed up blood. The Orc booted Aylix’s prone form into the wall.

“This is it…” Aylix thought bitterly. “I die here…”


Hmm... Maybe some more details here... I don'think you would just think: I die here :)  .

The Orc strode over to the human and picked him up again by the scruff of his jacket and backhanded him across the face sending him flying. Aylix hit the ground again, his cheek bleeding profusely.

The Orc picked the human up again.

“Ready to die yet hoomie?” the Orc leered sadistically.

Shaking, Aylix spat at the Orc in defiance. “Go! To! Hell!” he coughed.


Hmm... Why is he at first totally uninterested in his fate, and then wants to live?

“‘Av it yor way den!” The Orc snarled and threw Aylix across the arena.

Grunskrat strode over to Aylix pausing briefly to collect a broadsword.

“Grunskrat will remember yoo hoomie!” The Losh-Oc said, “Yoo fort gud.” He raised the sword above his head; point down, in his two large hands. “You die now tho.”

The sword came down. Aylix braced himself and heard a voice scream “NO!”

Efér-óh glowed…

Aylix waited.

He should be dead.

He opened his eyes and looked at the Orc.

It held the hilt of the sword in his hand. The rest of the sword was scattered in fragments around Aylix.
He looked down. Efér-óh glowed fiercely in defiance of the Orc, a barrier of fire protecting the human.

“Wot the?!” the Orc uttered in shock. “Is that…?”

Aylix felt himself stand, strength coursing through his veins again.

“THIS IS AMAZING!” screamed the announcer. The crowd were deathly quite and Leia uttered a silent prayer of thanks to the heavens.

“Yoo will still die hoomie!” the maddened Losh-Oc Orc bellowed and threw a powerful punch, all of his formidable weight behind it.

Aylix caught it in one hand without even flinching. He squeezed it tightly; breaking the Orcs hand, then wrenched it sharply breaking the rest of the arm.

He swung his left fist and punched the Orc square in the stomach.

Grunskrat dropped to his knees coughing labouredly. Aylix brought back his right fist and punched the Orc across the face. Then again with his left. Then again with his right straight on breaking the Orcs jaw.

Aylix picked up the nearest weapon to him, a hooked pike, preparing to finish the orc off.


yay he wins! He's alive :)  


~


Aylix awoke in a field, a stick in his hand. He sat up quickly, looking around for the stadium and the Losh-Oc. He could see nothing except a female Elf lying on a rock a few peds away.

“What the…?” Aylix thought, then said it again to make sure he was awake. “What the? What is going on?”

“Congratulations Aylix Goth.” Boomed a voice that appeared to emanate from everywhere.

“Who’s there?” Aylix exclaimed aloud turning around quickly trying desperately to find the source of the voice.

“Do not be afraid young human… the fight you just encountered was not real. Except one person, that Elf on the rock over yonder…”

“It felt real enough…” Aylix muttered rubbing his cheek where it had been bleeding. He was shocked to find no cuts at all.

“It was merely a test.” The voice spoke gently. “I needed to test you, to see if you are strong enough for the task I have in store for you.”

“What?” Aylix exclaimed. “A test? What for? What do I need to prove myself for? Against a Losh-Oc! I could have been killed!”

“Calm down…” The voice said sternly. “You have an important job to do. That fight was a test of character. To see if you could keep your head in difficult situations… I could have made it worse for you so be grateful. The true task will be more dangerous…”

Aylix looked over to the Elf who lay unconscious on the rock, she looked familiar, from this distance though he couldn’t make out her face. “What is this task…?” Aylix asked, not taking his eyes off of the Elf.

“That you cannot know yet… as you will over-react and make mistakes before you have even begun.” the voice said. “You will know in time though.”

“What mistakes…” Aylix struggled to find wording for his questions.

“You do not need to concern yourself with anything yet. I just suggest you tend to the female Elf and travel to Nyermersys, you will meet others there you need to know.”

“Nyermersys!” Aylix exclaimed, “We’re right near the Zeiphyrian forest! It will take months to get there!”

“Best get moving then.” The voice laughed shortly. “But do get moving Aylix. We are working to a very tight schedule here.”

“Wait!” Aylix started moving forward, but it was no good. He could tell the voices presence had left.

He approached the female cautiously, and she stirred as he grew near. He couldn’t believe his eyes.
He made to rush forward quickly as she lowered herself off of the rock, but found he couldn’t move. She approached him and stopped less than a ped away.

The human looked the Elf in the eyes for long moments, longing to just throw his arms around her and kiss her. The woman he loved, Leia, whom he had thought dead for months, was standing in front of him now, alive.

“…Leia…” he whispered.

“…yes…” she whispered in return, answering the word that had a million meanings.

He stepped forward instinctively to hug her and hesitated. Leia understood and moved into the embrace. They sank down to the floor and held each other for long minutes, Aylix sobbing quietly.


Well, really want to know where this is going :)  
cant wait *jumps up and down*  

Edited by: Artimidor Federkiel at: 12/16/02 10:20:18 pm
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« Reply #14 on: 04 January 2003, 12:07:00 »

Well, I see several problems and concerns here at this story. Santharian stories should be througly integrated into the Dream and require a lot of work in this context. The Santharian background at this story is very limited, and though this might fit well to an RPG story played at the RPG board, Santharian stories need more work concerning background, historical accuracy and research to aquire the necessary depth. E.g. we've discussed gladiator fights for Shan'Thai, but not up north in Sarvonia. If orcs speak Tharian is also questionable for example. All ok if you make certain assumptions at role-playing at the board, but we have to elaborate the concepts here in detail. In general I also wouldn't recommend to construct a story around a role playing character you actually play as the RPG world of Santharia isn't always identical with the developed world.

Also, as has been already pointed out, the story lacks many descriptive details and is very basic in the dialogues, much too straight to the point if you ask me. Sure, people fighting often don't talk much, but descriptions bring more atmosphere if placed well and done thoroughly. You need a lot more of actual writing experience here, which shows e.g. at works of Dalá, Wren, Lucirina etc. Stories containing explicit cursing and swearing also won't make it to the site.


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