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Author Topic: Nature's Song (a poem)  (Read 4084 times)
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Amuwen
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« on: 24 January 2003, 20:15:00 »

There is poetry in nature
Music floating on the breeze
A bird sings out a melody
The beat moves through the trees

Dove's wings flapping in the air
A rustle in the leaves
Flowers nodding gentle heads
Luring in Malise

An echo rings out through the fields
The Glitra's peaceful tune
Golden grasses whispering
Sand shifting on a dune

All these things together
Compose nature's perfect song
A harmony like no other
T'will play til days have gone

Amuwen
May your heart float softly upon the breeze and the wind guide you on your path.

Edited by: Amuwen at: 1/24/03 2:59:51 am
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Lucirina Telor Vevan
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« Reply #1 on: 24 January 2003, 20:21:00 »

I like the general atmosphere of the poem, but the rythm is a bit odd, try reading it out loud and you will understand what I mean.


From sunrise to sundown I live my life as a song.
Listen to the songbird, don't ignore it.

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Amuwen
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« Reply #2 on: 24 January 2003, 20:28:00 »

I know exactly what you mean. I've been working on it all week and still can't get it with the right wording to make a rythem work. It's really bothering me, so I put it up here to see where I went wrong.

Changed a few bits.

This part is still lacking:
A dove's wings flapping in the air
Busy buzzing of Malise
Small fish jumping up from streams
Children laughing as they please

Amuwen
May your heart float softly upon the breeze and the wind guide you on your path.

Edited by: Amuwen at: 1/24/03 2:39:31 am
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Rayne (Alýr)
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« Reply #3 on: 24 January 2003, 20:39:00 »

I like the imagery. Very nice. The rhyme is a bit off, and you need some grammar things, like commas and periods. This will help you see the sentences in your poem and help you to alter them such that the rhyme aligns better.


Again, I really like the imagery. It's really beautiful. ^_~

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"There is much misjudgment in the world. Now, I knew you for a unicorn when I first saw you, and I know that I am your friend. Yet you take me for a clown, or a clod, or a betrayer, and so I must be if you see me so. The magic on you is only magic and will vanish as soon as you are free, but the enchantment of error that you put on me I must wear forever in your eyes. We are not always what we seem..." -Schmendrick the Magician, The Last Unicorn
Amuwen
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« Reply #4 on: 24 January 2003, 22:11:00 »

Other than punctuation (which I detest in poems, mostly because it's my worst area), I've edited up the wording some more.

Amuwen
May your heart float softly upon the breeze and the wind guide you on your path.

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Rayne (Alýr)
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« Reply #5 on: 24 January 2003, 23:07:00 »

You really should use punctuation. I used to write without punctuation just because it was so annoying, but it's still important or else your poem doesn't make sense. It's like a huge run-on sentence. My poetry teacher marked me down for not punctuating my poems correctly.

She also encouraged me to make the line-length as uniform as possible.

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"There is much misjudgment in the world. Now, I knew you for a unicorn when I first saw you, and I know that I am your friend. Yet you take me for a clown, or a clod, or a betrayer, and so I must be if you see me so. The magic on you is only magic and will vanish as soon as you are free, but the enchantment of error that you put on me I must wear forever in your eyes. We are not always what we seem..." -Schmendrick the Magician, The Last Unicorn
Winlok
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« Reply #6 on: 25 January 2003, 12:37:00 »

I did a makeover, hope you don't mind. Although it's still a bit  stuttery, I can see what's happening except that one line I mentioned at the bottom.

There is poetry in nature,
Music floats on the breeze,
A bird sings out, a melody,
A beat, moves through the trees,

A dove's wing flaps, in the air,
There is a rustle, in the leaves,
The flowers nod, their gentle heads,
Luring in Malise,

An echo rings, o'er the fields,
The Glitra's, peaceful tune,
The golden grasses whisper,
The sand's within a dune,

All these things together,
Compose, nature's perfect song,
A harmony like no other,
T'will play, til days have gone.

Luring in Malise I don't get the meaning of. Do you mean Malice? :(  

Edited by: Winlok at: 1/24/03 6:40:19 pm
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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #7 on: 25 January 2003, 15:09:00 »

Winlok!:lol  
Malise is the honeybee!

hmm, the bees are lured to the flowers? This direction?


To the poem:
I don't even remember, if I had any poetry lessons in school, probably, but we never ever had to do poems, just analyse some, and learn what a dactylus is and so on. So I'm not influenced by what one has to do or not. And my feeling is:
No comas and  fullstops etc.
I like your poem much better without them, Amuwen,  and i don't think , that there are misunderstandings possible. There are some minor flaws in the rhym, but with adjusted(?) reading it is fine.

Without looking if it is correct or not, I like the sound of

Music's floating on the breeze (is this grammatically wrong?) better than
Music floats on the breeze (Sorry Winlok!)

Did I already say , that I like it?
Just the last verse needs maybe some change still, but I don't know which.

Last remark: Modern poetry is very free, if we like what we have written - every thing is allowed

:D  

Edited by: Talia Sturmwind  at: 1/24/03 9:22:50 pm
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"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path  that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking,  breathlessly. ~Don Juan"
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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #8 on: 25 January 2003, 15:46:00 »

Maybe this way?
form-compose
a harmony..... other
looked for another rhyme for together then



All these things together
Form nature's perfect song
A harmony to fill the ether
T'will play til days have gone

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"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path  that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking,  breathlessly. ~Don Juan"
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Winlok
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« Reply #9 on: 25 January 2003, 16:29:00 »

There is poetry in nature
And music floats on the breeze (or Like music floating on the breeze)
A bird sings out a melody
As the beat moves through the trees

A dove's wing flaps upon the air
There is a rustle in the leaves
And the flowers nod their gentle heads
To lure in the colorful Malise

An echo rings o'er the fields
Amid the Glitra's peaceful tune
And the golden grasses whisper
Over the sand's of dune


All these things together
Compose nature's perfect song
A harmony like no other
T'will play til days have gone

The last line of the third stanza seems out of place.

Talia I took out the commas. Does it read better now? :)  

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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #10 on: 25 January 2003, 17:01:00 »

Winlok, yesss!

But we have a problem here, you like the , the..*thinking hard*..connecting words like as, there, amid and so on. It seems to make the poem somehow more fluent, but I think it is not necessary and changes a lot of the original feeling and freshness.This poem reminds me a bit on a haiku, where things stand next to each other without many connecting words.The sentences not always finished, the pictures standing as they are, each for itself, you loose that, if you want to bind them together.
An example:

An echo rings out through the fields
The Glitra's peaceful tune.....................this is a picture


Golden grasses whispering...................another one
Sand shifting on a dune..........................the next one

the grass hasn#t to be on the dune,

Golden grasses whispering....that's the Narfost
Sand shifting on a dune...........that's the central Rahaz Dath

then you don't need your connection

And the golden grasses whisper
Over the sand's of dune

********
Flowers nodding gentle heads
Luring in Malise..........................is this wrong English? It would fit perfectly in german
luring in, the flowers are seducing the bees to come into their midst?


Amuwen, I hope I didn't interpret YOU to much! May be I'm totally wrong.







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"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path  that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking,  breathlessly. ~Don Juan"
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Winlok
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« Reply #11 on: 25 January 2003, 17:34:00 »

Talia. I was trying to stay away from seducing. I'm from Canada, and as pure as the driven snow. :lol

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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #12 on: 26 January 2003, 04:54:00 »

bähhh,......... was this word too strong? My dictionary didn't warn me ;)  

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"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path  that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking,  breathlessly. ~Don Juan"
***Astropicture of the Day***Talia's Long, Long List***
Amuwen
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« Reply #13 on: 26 January 2003, 18:03:00 »

I would like to maintain, at the least, the feel that my poem originally had, but I do appreciate suggestions.

Talia, you have interpreted what I wanted the poem to be exactly. I'm giving you a picture, not trying to make a connection with every sentence.

I do like punctuation in some things but I don't think it needs to be in all poems and only put it in poems that I feel the need to separate the words in.

BTW,
Quote:
A dove's wing flaps upon the air
Only one wing flapping in the air? I don't think that it's even possible for most birds to flap only one wing at a time.

Amuwen
May your heart float softly upon the breeze and the wind guide you on your path.

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Amuwen
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« Reply #14 on: 26 January 2003, 18:17:00 »

This is what my poem would (if it actually worked with punctuation, which it really doesn't) read if I put punctuation in it. I'll use periods and commas to make things easier on myself. Punctuation doesn't work as well because most of these sentences aren't whole sentences and aren't made to connect to one another like sentences would.

There is poetry in nature,
Music floating on the breeze.
A bird sings out a melody,
The beat moves through the trees.

Dove's wings flapping in the air.
A rustle in the leaves.
Flowers nodding gentle heads,
Luring in Malise.

An echo rings out through the fields,
The Glitra's peaceful tune.
Golden grasses whispering.
Sand shifting on a dune.

All these things together
Compose nature's perfect song.
A harmony like no other,
T'will play til days have gone.

Lines that connect:

There is poetry in nature Music floating on the breeze
A bird sings out a melody The beat moves through the trees

Dove's wings flapping in the air
A rustle in the leaves
Flowers nodding gentle heads Luring in Malise

An echo rings out through the fields The Glitra's peaceful tune
Golden grasses whispering
Sand shifting on a dune

All these things together Compose nature's perfect song
A harmony like no other T'will play til days have gone

The first and last stanzas are the only two that fully connect together. The others are making separate pictures, except in two lines of each. Thus, also giving my poem a format of its own.

Four lines that connect
One line
One line
Two lines that connect
Two lines that connect
One line
One line
Four lines that connect

Amuwen
May your heart float softly upon the breeze and the wind guide you on your path.

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