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Author Topic: Untitled poem  (Read 810 times)
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Silfer Darkflare
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« on: 11 June 2003, 18:09:00 »

This came to me while listening to a song, namely The legend of dragoon Opening theme (It is a song from a game), and also inspired by this picture




This needs a title... and feedback, of course.

A bow drawn taunt on silver strings
Calling memories of forgotten things
Silent whispers, by noone heard
But depicting more than the spoken word

As the music draws me, I can hear a distant cry
Do you believe?
As I stand before you, I agree and I defy

Far away I'm standing, yet I hear your distant cry
I am waiting for you, if you still believe and try...

Far away, together we shall stay
Far away, my love
I hope we stay, when the darkness has passed away
We can find our way

Now the music passes, and the memory subsides
But I will not go on, I don't care what fate decides
And quite soon I shall be where Queprur resides
I await you... if you still believe in love


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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #1 on: 12 June 2003, 07:27:00 »

Sounds good Silfer! The pic fits as well.

But with a slight head ache and the hot weather, I'm a bit confused - is she with him, or away? (as I stand before you.. could this be a pic?)

And the last line - it has to rhyme, somehow..it is not an appropiate end for such a nice poem. No proposals though today

   * hides
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   * sides
   * tides
   

Edited by: Talia Sturmwind  at: 6/11/03 3:31 pm
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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #2 on: 18 June 2003, 15:08:00 »

Hmmm... There's not much to say about the first verse, it is very nice, has rhyme and content, and I like it. But I try to point out a bit the problems I have with the other verses.

The  lines of verse 2 are somewhat too much repetitive: "distant cry" (x2), stand (x2), believe (x2). I think this could be avoided, as it takes aways some effect built in the first verse I guess.

Verse 3 is also too repetitive for my taste: "stay" (x2) "away" only a few syllables from the rhyming word "way" (with the same root) also sounds a bit blunt.

Verse 4 has mainly the rhyme missing. Though it's obviously made this way to not rhyme at the last line, I'm not sure (as Talia said) if it's the best option here. Aside from that: If you look at lines 1, 2, 3 of this verse: they all end with the verb, and the rhyme is 3 times built on the verbs, which also is very unusual and a bit awkward therefore. If line 2 for example would be a noun the construction of the line would be different as well a bit and it wouldn't be that monotuous in rhyming at the end.

I also have the problem Talia mentioned: I don't 100% understand it...

Oh, and the whole thing needs a title!


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