Welcome Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?

gfxgfx Home Forum Help Search Login Register   gfxgfx
gfx gfx
Pages: [1]
Author Topic: Untitled poem  (Read 837 times)
0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
Silfer Darkflare
Santh. Member

Gained Aura: 1
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 2.477

View Profile
« on: 11 June 2003, 18:09:00 »

This came to me while listening to a song, namely The legend of dragoon Opening theme (It is a song from a game), and also inspired by this picture

This needs a title... and feedback, of course.

A bow drawn taunt on silver strings
Calling memories of forgotten things
Silent whispers, by noone heard
But depicting more than the spoken word

As the music draws me, I can hear a distant cry
Do you believe?
As I stand before you, I agree and I defy

Far away I'm standing, yet I hear your distant cry
I am waiting for you, if you still believe and try...

Far away, together we shall stay
Far away, my love
I hope we stay, when the darkness has passed away
We can find our way

Now the music passes, and the memory subsides
But I will not go on, I don't care what fate decides
And quite soon I shall be where Queprur resides
I await you... if you still believe in love


Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
Santh. Member

Gained Aura: 143
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 11.638

Shendar, Shen-D'auras

View Profile Homepage
« Reply #1 on: 12 June 2003, 07:27:00 »

Sounds good Silfer! The pic fits as well.

But with a slight head ache and the hot weather, I'm a bit confused - is she with him, or away? (as I stand before you.. could this be a pic?)

And the last line - it has to rhyme, somehow..it is not an appropiate end for such a nice poem. No proposals though today

   * hides
   * rides
   * sides
   * tides

Edited by: Talia Sturmwind  at: 6/11/03 3:31 pm

"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path  that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking,  breathlessly. ~Don Juan"
***Astropicture of the Day***Talia's Long, Long List***
Artimidor Federkiel

Gained Aura: 538
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 23.091

View Profile Homepage
« Reply #2 on: 18 June 2003, 15:08:00 »

Hmmm... There's not much to say about the first verse, it is very nice, has rhyme and content, and I like it. But I try to point out a bit the problems I have with the other verses.

The  lines of verse 2 are somewhat too much repetitive: "distant cry" (x2), stand (x2), believe (x2). I think this could be avoided, as it takes aways some effect built in the first verse I guess.

Verse 3 is also too repetitive for my taste: "stay" (x2) "away" only a few syllables from the rhyming word "way" (with the same root) also sounds a bit blunt.

Verse 4 has mainly the rhyme missing. Though it's obviously made this way to not rhyme at the last line, I'm not sure (as Talia said) if it's the best option here. Aside from that: If you look at lines 1, 2, 3 of this verse: they all end with the verb, and the rhyme is 3 times built on the verbs, which also is very unusual and a bit awkward therefore. If line 2 for example would be a noun the construction of the line would be different as well a bit and it wouldn't be that monotuous in rhyming at the end.

I also have the problem Talia mentioned: I don't 100% understand it...

Oh, and the whole thing needs a title!

The Santharian Dream Webmaster - Let Fantasy Dreams come true!
World Development Admin - The Forum where Worlds are born...


"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Pages: [1]
Jump to:  

[27 March 2019, 00:01:57]

[21 June 2018, 14:28:00]

[31 May 2017, 06:35:55]

[06 May 2017, 05:27:04]

[03 April 2017, 01:15:03]

[26 March 2017, 12:48:25]

[15 March 2017, 02:23:07]

[15 March 2017, 02:20:28]

[15 March 2017, 02:17:52]

[14 March 2017, 20:23:43]

[06 February 2017, 04:53:35]

[31 January 2017, 08:45:52]

[15 December 2016, 15:50:49]

[26 November 2016, 23:16:38]

[27 October 2016, 07:42:01]

[27 September 2016, 18:51:05]

[11 September 2016, 23:17:33]

[11 September 2016, 23:15:27]

[11 September 2016, 22:58:56]

[03 September 2016, 22:22:23]
Total Members: 1019
Latest: lolanixon
Total Posts: 144586
Total Topics: 11052
Online Today: 27
Online Ever: 700
(23 January 2020, 20:05:39)
Users Online
Users: 0
Guests: 24
Total: 24

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2005, Simple Machines
TinyPortal v0.9.8 © Bloc
Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!
Theme based on Cerberus with Risen adjustments by Bloc and Krelia
Modified By Artimidor for The Santharian Dream
gfxgfx gfxgfx