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Author Topic: The Bleu Fey  (Read 5252 times)
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Silfer Darkflare
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« Reply #15 on: 03 July 2003, 09:58:00 »

Well, a compendium entry tells aobut something in general... your story sometimes sounds like you telling ABOUT the story, not THE story.

A fairlytale, as any story, has a plot. You just tell of these creatures, and how they were created. Like a compendium entry... "The people of *insert name* originally came from...* etc.

Do you see?


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Dirty DaVinci
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« Reply #16 on: 03 July 2003, 11:46:00 »

I believe I do, Silfer.  But one observation, if I may.  Tales like "Poitar and Shassyn / The Thergerim Cavern", the "Mermaid's Trail Myth" and "Two Brothers - A Sailor's Tale" (beautiful stories by the way), have a history of where the protaganists began, where the people were born, where they moved to, how they interacted with some people, etc before getting to the jest of the tale, the moral.  Do you not think because of the unusual circumstance of the puppets, that it would be better to outline a history of where and why?  

Don't misuderstand me, I see your point and I do think you're right.  The story should be more 'fairy tale' in description, but omitting the history of the dolls and going to just what they've done to become a fairy tale would sound, well, rather bland and directionless, no?  

For example: "Created in a freakish accident, they traveled with a caravan, emulating the members' habits and mannerisms.  Eventually, they reached a city where they learned to copy a local thieves guild and a church, where several puppets took to stealing while the other mannequins took the stolen goods and gave them to children as small gifts why they slept." Doesn't it seem to ask why they do things? Where they are from and how did they originated?  I mean, the other stories have the inherent idea of human origin, a natural family and birth, with a normal life until something extraordinary happens.  But these puppets don't have such a normal origin, or natural characteristics.  Wouldn't it be in their benefit to describe all that?

Well, anyway, that is just my way of seeing things.  But like I myself will admit, I'm no writer.  So I'll take the route pointed out by you and the others on the forum.  If you think it will be better to make it more fairytale like, removing certain details, I shall do so.  Just point the way...:)    

And let me take this moment to thank you, Smith, Art, Bard and all others who've given their opinion on the story.  I appreciate it!  Thanks!!!!  Successful or not, I've enjoyed working on this story thanks to everyone....

Edited by: Dirty DaVinci at: 7/2/03 19:52
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Smith in Exile
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« Reply #17 on: 03 July 2003, 16:04:00 »

hey, hey, don't thank like you are going to leave us!  

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Dirty DaVinci
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« Reply #18 on: 03 July 2003, 16:13:00 »

Not at all! I just wanted to say thank you! *LOL*

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Silfer Darkflare
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« Reply #19 on: 04 July 2003, 11:38:00 »

I see what you are saying... however, E.g. "Poitar/Shassyn" (which I have greatly liked, and commented) doesn't tell about "boring" things. It's a little hard to explain, but your story feels compendium style.  I am not saying you should drop details. However, maybe you are trying to cover way too much ground? How aobut making a story aobut this mage, and how he made these puppets, and then culminate with the "spiit transfer"? That way, the story would have a plot, or a morale, or something. (Thats just a suggestion, BTW)  And aobut you being no writer: We'll help you. People are not born writers.

BTW 2:I greatly appreciate the "thank you". Ava arthane


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Dirty DaVinci
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« Reply #20 on: 04 July 2003, 12:50:00 »

Ah, I see your point.  Less about the dolls wayside activities and more of the events which led to the creation of such, and their current attitudes.  I can do that!

Hehe.  I'm glad you're all willing to help me out.  I'm pathetic *LOL*  I guess there's a reason I'm an illustrator ;)

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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #21 on: 04 July 2003, 12:55:00 »

Ah yes, I guess what Silfer means is that you don't find elements in the story like direct speech or some sort of explicitely described action, but mainly how the puppets "lived" in general, more like you'd find it described in a lexikon than in a fairy tale book. It's written very well, no doubt, DaVinci, but different, and more seen from some sort of philosophical perspective than from a story teller's who might e.g. tell the story to make little kids feel creepy or something (whatever he tells, usually a storyteller wants to convey a certain emotion, which is in the center of the story). It looks a bit as if you had the concept in mind first before the story to it was added, and now the concept is still stressed too much a bit while the story itself lacks a bit. But I guess with a bit of polishing in this direction, this shouldn't be much of a problem. Know what I mean?


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"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Dirty DaVinci
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« Reply #22 on: 04 July 2003, 12:30:00 »

Hmmm....more like a fireside story made to inspire emotion in kids.  I think it can be done.  Let me see what I can do.

Edited by: Dirty DaVinci at: 7/3/03 20:36
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Smith in Exile
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« Reply #23 on: 07 July 2003, 16:29:00 »

DaVinci, I've sent you an e-mail with some suggestions concerning your text...

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Dirty DaVinci
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« Reply #24 on: 08 July 2003, 12:11:00 »

I got it Smith! Thanks.  I'm going to make the changes soon enough once I get my thoughts organized.  

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Smith in Exile
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« Reply #25 on: 02 August 2003, 15:44:00 »

what's up with this entry??? is it ready, is it not? is it ever going to be a part of the santharian library? or not?

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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #26 on: 02 August 2003, 15:51:00 »

I've mailed Dirty DaVinci if he's still alive yesterday, so let's see...


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"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
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