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Author Topic: Armegeddon  (Read 841 times)
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Rayne (Alýr)
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« on: 04 November 2003, 01:13:00 »

I dunno.



Armegeddon

Cries of night resound
Among hysteric tress
And winds all angry blow
About the frightened leaves.

Through the chilly acid air
The blackened nightbird class
Across the dark and jaded sky
The pale faces moon so falls.

The stars come tumbling down
Like silver blades of light.
All gleam fades from heaven
On this final night.

The wind tower trembles
Tumbles down to shatter.
Voices are swallowed in black
As the masses scatter.

Cracks break through earth
And deep crevices gape
Fires burst from everywhere
The helpless forests to rape.

And everything turned to naught:
Each human, dwarf, and elf,
For Avá looked into the dark
And saw her Coór, herself.

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"There is much misjudgment in the world. Now, I knew you for a unicorn when I first saw you, and I know that I am your friend. Yet you take me for a clown, or a clod, or a betrayer, and so I must be if you see me so. The magic on you is only magic and will vanish as soon as you are free, but the enchantment of error that you put on me I must wear forever in your eyes. We are not always what we seem..." -Schmendrick the Magician, The Last Unicorn
Arancaytar Ilyaran
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« Reply #1 on: 04 November 2003, 17:15:00 »

A wonderful poem; I especially like the metre of the verses. However, there are some lines that don't, strictly speaking, fit that meter. Might just be intention, who knows?

Example
____/____*__/_*___/__*__/ (/ is stressed, * is unstressed)
"Through the chilly mountain air"

After most of the rest of the poem is in iambic (unstressed-stressed) meter. If you want a consistent meter, you might take out the 'the' there (and get 'through CHIL-ly MOUNT-ain AIR'). But then, the change might be intended?

Also, toward the end the meter is pretty irregular. But it also adds a sense of 'chaos' to the poem, fitting to the theme of destruction. Maybe just a matter of style...

Anyway, I can just repeat; great work here. I wish I could write poetry that well; mine always turns out crap...

Arancaytar Ilyaran



"He who quotes me is a fool"

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Rayne (Alýr)
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« Reply #2 on: 04 November 2003, 19:55:00 »

Your poems probably never get done because you're too busy analyzing them! :b

Chilly Moutain air sets up an unwanted focus with speicifcations. Besides, Mountain just doesn't have the connotation I really want. Originally this poem was really floaty and peaceful and I had to go back and change a bunch of the words to get eh connotation I wanted.

So, yeah. Maybe there's anothere word.. Bitter?

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"There is much misjudgment in the world. Now, I knew you for a unicorn when I first saw you, and I know that I am your friend. Yet you take me for a clown, or a clod, or a betrayer, and so I must be if you see me so. The magic on you is only magic and will vanish as soon as you are free, but the enchantment of error that you put on me I must wear forever in your eyes. We are not always what we seem..." -Schmendrick the Magician, The Last Unicorn
Arancaytar Ilyaran
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« Reply #3 on: 07 November 2003, 14:33:00 »

Sorry, did I write mountain where you wrote acid originally?

*shakes head at himself*

I don't even write well when I'm quoting!

Arancaytar Ilyaran



"He who quotes me is a fool"

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