* 
Welcome Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?

*
gfxgfx Home Forum Help Search Login Register   gfxgfx
gfx gfx
gfx
Notifications & Notes
Masterplans/Projects
Dev Maps
Entry Templates
Picture Resources
Language Additions
Pages: [1]
Print
Author Topic: Untilted - Eyasha-ie poem  (Read 801 times)
0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
Rayne (Alýr)
Dreamress
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 117
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 4.466



View Profile
« on: 26 March 2004, 00:12:00 »
Pretty standard.. abcb rhyme.. tetramtet, trimeter, tetrameter, trimeter... I didn't really do much with the meter, So it's kind of blah in that sense. I hadn't created a poem for a long time. No, no, no.. I mean just a poem on it's own, not for an entry (for all those people who are looking at me funny after looking at the Resonance Dragon entry. ^_^;; ).

Still Need a name. Help!

Untitled

The canopies gently rustle
With whispers of night.
Utengor’s pale moon sails above
In clouds it makes alight.

Far away is Foiros’ light
And distant are my dreams.
Sloping hillsides slumber soundly
Around the sleepy streams.

The darkling world is soft at peace;
But I am here, alone
Without a hope, without a pray’r
Or star to call my own.

Fatal desires churn in veins,
Though rage is boiled away,
To break my fragile mind and heart,
Never again see day.

And so hungry seem these shadows
That gather round my bed.
Taunting are the deadly demons
Chanting within my head.

Of tears and forgotten heroes,
Of nightmares and of shades!
Of scarlet hue, of shards and scythes!
And, O My Goddess, of the blades!

And as this one last silver string
Grows taut enough to break,
For frail are my soul and spirit
Adorned with scars and ache.

But now you are here. You have come.
My eyes close; I feel thee
Calming my tarnished sanity
Making the darklings flee.

Protect me in divine mercy,
Silent mother of peace,
O, Eldest Goddess of them all,
Who comes in harmony.

I lend my heart into your keep
As thou blessest my mind with sleep.

Logged
"There is much misjudgment in the world. Now, I knew you for a unicorn when I first saw you, and I know that I am your friend. Yet you take me for a clown, or a clod, or a betrayer, and so I must be if you see me so. The magic on you is only magic and will vanish as soon as you are free, but the enchantment of error that you put on me I must wear forever in your eyes. We are not always what we seem..." -Schmendrick the Magician, The Last Unicorn
Bard Judith
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 365
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7.650


Dwarvenmistress


View Profile Homepage
« Reply #1 on: 26 March 2004, 09:32:00 »
(Looks at Rayne 'funny', just to oblige her...)

Lemme help you with that middle English, hon!  It's the only nitpick I have about the poem (except perhaps that it builds in intensity for such a long time that only two stanzas of rest and comfort feel a little sudden for the ending...)   and I'm not completely comfortable with the grammar in the penultimate line...'your keep'?  Should be 'your keeping' but that doesn't work for the rhythm/rhyme... so perhaps something like "I know that thou my heart will keep" would be better...

If you are going to use 'thee' and 'thou', you've got to use them consistently, that's all.  Changes in CAPITALS below:



PSALM TO EYASHA

The canopies gently rustle
With whispers of night.
Utengor’s pale moon sails above
In clouds it makes alight.

Far away is Foiros’ light
And distant are my dreams.
Sloping hillsides slumber soundly
Around the sleepy streams.

The darkling world is soft at peace;
But I am here, alone
Without a hope, without a pray’r
Or star to call my own.

Fatal desires churn in veins,
Though rage is boiled away,
To break my fragile mind and heart,
Never again see day.

And so hungry seem these shadows
That gather round my bed.
Taunting are the deadly demons
Chanting within my head.

Of tears and forgotten heroes,
Of nightmares and of shades!
Of scarlet hue, of shards and scythes!
And, O My Goddess, of the blades!

And as this one last silver string
Grows taut enough to break,
For frail are my soul and spirit
Adorned with scars and ache.

But now THOU ART here.  THOU HAST come.
My eyes close; I feel thee
Calming my tarnished sanity
Making the darklings flee.

Protect me in divine mercy,
Silent mother of peace,
O, Eldest Goddess of them all,
Who comes in harmony.

I lend my heart into THY keep
As thou blessest my mind with sleep.


Nice sense of relaxation here, even if it is short!  Well done.:hug  
Logged
"Give me a land of boughs in leaf /  a land of trees that stand; / where trees are fallen there is grief; /  I love no leafless land."   --A.E. Housman
 
Pages: [1]
Print
+Santharian Development   +Forum   +Santharian World Development   +The Santharian Library   +Untilted - Eyasha-ie poem
Jump to:  

Help, I'm a Newbie!
Search
Recent
Winter's Flame candle
by lolanixon
[27 March 2019, 00:01:57]
WANTED: Beta readers / comic fantasy
by Artimidor Federkiel
[21 June 2018, 14:28:00]
Gollum Pic
by Erutan Argon
[31 May 2017, 06:35:55]
Islands of Doranthakar, Southern Sarvonia
by Felsid Greytunnel
[06 May 2017, 05:27:04]
Am I too late?
by Felsid Greytunnel
[03 April 2017, 01:15:03]
Centaur Picture
by Noksz
[26 March 2017, 12:48:25]
The Guilds & Orders of New-Santhala
by Felsid Greytunnel
[15 March 2017, 02:23:07]
The History of New-Santhala
by Felsid Greytunnel
[15 March 2017, 02:20:28]
The Districts of New-Santhala
by Felsid Greytunnel
[15 March 2017, 02:17:52]
New-Santhala, Sangui Province, Southern Sarvonia
by Felsid Greytunnel
[14 March 2017, 20:23:43]
The High Fores picture
by Felsid Greytunnel
[06 February 2017, 04:53:35]
The High Fores, Vardynn Province, Southern Santharia
by Seeker
[31 January 2017, 08:45:52]
The Black Flame
by landon
[15 December 2016, 15:50:49]
Tales of Monsonius: That Fiend of Mine
by Felsid Greytunnel
[26 November 2016, 23:16:38]
Site Update 10-10-2016
by Felsid Greytunnel
[27 October 2016, 07:42:01]
The Santhran Lysmarin Hammerfeld
by Artimidor Federkiel
[27 September 2016, 18:51:05]
Armelite
by Artimidor Federkiel
[11 September 2016, 23:17:33]
Blazebushel Moss
by Artimidor Federkiel
[11 September 2016, 23:15:27]
Lightmoss
by Artimidor Federkiel
[11 September 2016, 22:58:56]
Search feature troubles
by Artimidor Federkiel
[03 September 2016, 22:22:23]
Stats
Members
Total Members: 1019
Latest: lolanixon
Stats
Total Posts: 144586
Total Topics: 11052
Online Today: 16
Online Ever: 700
(23 January 2020, 20:05:39)
Users Online
Users: 0
Guests: 16
Total: 16
Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2005, Simple Machines
TinyPortal v0.9.8 © Bloc 		Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!
Theme based on Cerberus with Risen adjustments by Bloc and Krelia
Modified By Artimidor for The Santharian Dream
gfx
gfxgfx gfxgfx