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Author Topic: Untilted - Eyasha-ie poem  (Read 961 times)
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Rayne (Alýr)
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« on: 26 March 2004, 00:12:00 »
Pretty standard.. abcb rhyme.. tetramtet, trimeter, tetrameter, trimeter... I didn't really do much with the meter, So it's kind of blah in that sense. I hadn't created a poem for a long time. No, no, no.. I mean just a poem on it's own, not for an entry (for all those people who are looking at me funny after looking at the Resonance Dragon entry. ^_^;; ).

Still Need a name. Help!

Untitled

The canopies gently rustle
With whispers of night.
Utengor’s pale moon sails above
In clouds it makes alight.

Far away is Foiros’ light
And distant are my dreams.
Sloping hillsides slumber soundly
Around the sleepy streams.

The darkling world is soft at peace;
But I am here, alone
Without a hope, without a pray’r
Or star to call my own.

Fatal desires churn in veins,
Though rage is boiled away,
To break my fragile mind and heart,
Never again see day.

And so hungry seem these shadows
That gather round my bed.
Taunting are the deadly demons
Chanting within my head.

Of tears and forgotten heroes,
Of nightmares and of shades!
Of scarlet hue, of shards and scythes!
And, O My Goddess, of the blades!

And as this one last silver string
Grows taut enough to break,
For frail are my soul and spirit
Adorned with scars and ache.

But now you are here. You have come.
My eyes close; I feel thee
Calming my tarnished sanity
Making the darklings flee.

Protect me in divine mercy,
Silent mother of peace,
O, Eldest Goddess of them all,
Who comes in harmony.

I lend my heart into your keep
As thou blessest my mind with sleep.

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"There is much misjudgment in the world. Now, I knew you for a unicorn when I first saw you, and I know that I am your friend. Yet you take me for a clown, or a clod, or a betrayer, and so I must be if you see me so. The magic on you is only magic and will vanish as soon as you are free, but the enchantment of error that you put on me I must wear forever in your eyes. We are not always what we seem..." -Schmendrick the Magician, The Last Unicorn
Bard Judith
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« Reply #1 on: 26 March 2004, 09:32:00 »
(Looks at Rayne 'funny', just to oblige her...)

Lemme help you with that middle English, hon!  It's the only nitpick I have about the poem (except perhaps that it builds in intensity for such a long time that only two stanzas of rest and comfort feel a little sudden for the ending...)   and I'm not completely comfortable with the grammar in the penultimate line...'your keep'?  Should be 'your keeping' but that doesn't work for the rhythm/rhyme... so perhaps something like "I know that thou my heart will keep" would be better...

If you are going to use 'thee' and 'thou', you've got to use them consistently, that's all.  Changes in CAPITALS below:



PSALM TO EYASHA

The canopies gently rustle
With whispers of night.
Utengor’s pale moon sails above
In clouds it makes alight.

Far away is Foiros’ light
And distant are my dreams.
Sloping hillsides slumber soundly
Around the sleepy streams.

The darkling world is soft at peace;
But I am here, alone
Without a hope, without a pray’r
Or star to call my own.

Fatal desires churn in veins,
Though rage is boiled away,
To break my fragile mind and heart,
Never again see day.

And so hungry seem these shadows
That gather round my bed.
Taunting are the deadly demons
Chanting within my head.

Of tears and forgotten heroes,
Of nightmares and of shades!
Of scarlet hue, of shards and scythes!
And, O My Goddess, of the blades!

And as this one last silver string
Grows taut enough to break,
For frail are my soul and spirit
Adorned with scars and ache.

But now THOU ART here.  THOU HAST come.
My eyes close; I feel thee
Calming my tarnished sanity
Making the darklings flee.

Protect me in divine mercy,
Silent mother of peace,
O, Eldest Goddess of them all,
Who comes in harmony.

I lend my heart into THY keep
As thou blessest my mind with sleep.


Nice sense of relaxation here, even if it is short!  Well done.:hug  
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"Give me a land of boughs in leaf /  a land of trees that stand; / where trees are fallen there is grief; /  I love no leafless land."   --A.E. Housman
 
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