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Author Topic: Darkness Descends  (Read 3938 times)
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Drogo
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« Reply #15 on: 06 May 2004, 15:11:00 »

Okay, I've gotten some good comments on the Prolouge, for which I thank you all.

Any comments for Chapter 1?

Dirg'mystrume of the Helvet'ine Kuglim.  
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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #16 on: 08 May 2004, 00:54:00 »

I'll read and prepare Chapter 1 as well for the update (hope there's nothing majorly wrong with it, which I don't expect from you, Drogo...;) ). So comments will follow after I've checked it, currently I only miss a chapter title - got one perhaps?


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"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
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« Reply #17 on: 08 May 2004, 03:22:00 »

Ok, I've just read and prepared Chapter 1, Drogo... I've fixed a few minor things in the final text, like e.g. that the woman is named Mayes for the first half of the chapter and then suddenly turns to Maye in the latter half, so I updated all occurances with Mayes. Here and there I've fixed some typos and took the liberty to add an exclamation mark at some passages when Dael tells his story about the King and the Prince - I guess some excitement is quite in order;)   I also had to change the tenses at the paragraph when Dael examines the house more closely, as you suddenly use past tense here. Well, you've chosen an unusual tense for the story, the present tense, so it's quite easy to overlook such things...

Anyway, aside from such minor details, the story is coming along very well! I see you really have a love for detail and know how to tie in dialogues, background information and make things interesting, so it was a very enjoyable read! Quite a pity that we hadn't discovered much of your story-writing talents until now in Santharia (only at the RPGs), but hey, you're excellent at entry writing as well, so all in all, you're quite a multi-talent, Drogo;)  

Looking forward to another chapter! I'm curious what adventures Dael will encounter...


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Edited by: Artimidor Federkiel at: 5/7/04 12:02
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Faugar
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« Reply #18 on: 08 May 2004, 04:39:00 »

I just read the prologue too- great stuff Drogo! looks like its going to be an interesting story, and a good read :)  :clap  


       
     
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« Reply #19 on: 08 May 2004, 06:53:00 »

Just a small thing, Drogo: At the end of chapter 1 the sister greets with "Ummm, hi sis!" Well, I'd suggest to perhaps find a special form of greeting (other word, or a gesture), because "hi" sounds not very ideal for a fantasy-world.


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Drogo
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« Reply #20 on: 08 May 2004, 20:43:00 »

Okay, I just got rid of the "hi sis" part so now it reads, "Ummm, I see you brought company"  How's that sound?

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« Reply #21 on: 09 May 2004, 23:50:00 »

It's ok for now, though having special greetings for various cultures still would be a good idea;)

Oh, and I'd still need a final title for Chapter 1, currently I've simply called it "The Visitor". So if you have a better title, please let me know.

@All others: Go, read the story!


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Drogo
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« Reply #22 on: 10 May 2004, 11:14:00 »

To be honest I never even thought about giving an individual chapter a title.  So yea, that's a fine title.  I'll think of one for the next chapter.  It should be up this week! :clap

As far as a greeting goes, I agree, however I thought something like that would be less proliferant in a small, tight knit community.  So, you'll actually see it in the next chapter. :nod  

Dirg'mystrume of the Helvet'ine Kuglim.  
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