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Arcuar
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« on: 08 May 2004, 02:19:00 »

Race Rhyme/Lullaby
Sung by children and mothers throughout Sarvonia

In Caelereth there are Men,
In armour and shield,
The Men are grand, unshaken
They, are, brave

In Caelereth there are the Elves,
In wisdom and smile,
They never think of themselves,
They, are, wise

In Caelereth there are the Dwarves,
With pickaxe and ore,
Which they so skillfully morph
They, are, proud

In Caelereth there are the Orcs,
In armour and sword,
For their master they will work,
They, are, strong


The Men so brave, the Elves so wise
The Dwarves so proud, the Orcs so strong,
They all have this in common
They, must, die


In Caelereth there are Hobbits,
In pipe and good meal,
They all have gentle habits,
They, are, kind

In Caelereth there are the Gnomes,
In science and maths,
They smartly study their tomes,
They, are, smart

In Caelereth there are Brownies,
In magic and life,
Rarely you find one frowny,
They, are, small


The Hobbits kind, the Gnomes smart,
The Brownies small, the Races low,
They all have this in common,
They, must, die


The God below, the world nether,
The laugh of Men, the wise of Elves,
They all went to Queprur´s realm,
They, all, died

Edited by: Arcuar at: 5/12/04 16:39
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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #1 on: 08 May 2004, 04:26:00 »

Could you explain the pianopart a bit more, please?

And somehow I had the impression, that an end  is missing - or is it continued with the other races?
Even such small lullabies have to say something.

A nice beginning though! :clap  

***Astropic of the day***
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path   that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"

Edited by: Talia Sturmwind  at: 5/7/04 12:27
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"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path  that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking,  breathlessly. ~Don Juan"
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Arcuar
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« Reply #2 on: 08 May 2004, 04:37:00 »

Yes, it's somewhat like "Sarvonia has lovely girls", but for children. Yes, perhaps I should add more races. And the piano part doesn't necessarily have to be shown in the site. It's merely a small guide for people to compone a piece about it. (Hint, Santharian componists? )

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Coren FrozenZephyr
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« Reply #3 on: 08 May 2004, 09:42:00 »

Hmm.. i don't get it, the lines have one more syllable compared to the piano key. (8 syl, 7 notes) Do you want the last note/acord to be streched/held? And is this meant to be in c major?

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Arcuar
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« Reply #4 on: 08 May 2004, 10:07:00 »

Uhh, yeah, what you said. No, but seriously, yes, this is in C Major. And A and the race name are tied together. I'm not a good musician, so I can use some help.

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Arcuar
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« Reply #5 on: 10 May 2004, 13:48:00 »

Okay, I removed the whole piano thing, could someone please look this over?

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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #6 on: 10 May 2004, 14:52:00 »

Arcuar, you can't compare it with the Sarvonian girls. There no end is needed, because every single stanca tells you something.

When reading yours, I have the feeling - yes, and now? Like if the end is missing, the final point the poem is heading to. It tells you nothing new so far.

***Astropic of the day***
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path   that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"

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"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path  that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking,  breathlessly. ~Don Juan"
***Astropicture of the Day***Talia's Long, Long List***
Drogo
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« Reply #7 on: 10 May 2004, 16:42:00 »

I agree with ja Talia.

Perhaps a final stanza including all of the races in it, or one that talks about something they all have in common despite their differences.  Just something to tie it all in you know?

Dirg'mystrume of the Helvet'ine Kuglim.  
Lord of the North

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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #8 on: 10 May 2004, 23:40:00 »

I might have a solution for you, however, you should get Rayne to check the rhythm as well, I think it is a bit off

The Man so brave, the Elf so smart
The Dwarf so proud, the Orc so strong,
They all have this in common
They - must  - die

***Astropic of the day***
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path   that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"

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"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path  that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking,  breathlessly. ~Don Juan"
***Astropicture of the Day***Talia's Long, Long List***
Arcuar
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« Reply #9 on: 11 May 2004, 03:32:00 »

All the races are described, I've added an ending. Anything you want, I got it. Is it good? *Bruce Almighty imitation* Good! Update: I even added the other races!

Edited by: Arcuar at: 5/10/04 11:53
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Drogo
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« Reply #10 on: 11 May 2004, 09:39:00 »

Just a quick note:  In the end of the one for elves you say "she was smart", you also say the samething in the last line for gnomes.  So I'd just change that up at least.

Dirg'mystrume of the Helvet'ine Kuglim.  
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Arcuar
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« Reply #11 on: 11 May 2004, 09:41:00 »

Edited

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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #12 on: 11 May 2004, 10:25:00 »

Arcuar, sorry, I know, I proposed it, but adding the other races doesn't make the poem better.

As I mentioned already: the rhythm. I'm  not a poem expert, and have not much in mind with iambus and dactylus, but I read the poems, and then it must flow. Sometimes I'm wrong, but Rayne points it out to me then.
Especially the seond lines are those I have difficulties with, I don‘t even know if the english there makes sense .  (HELP)

Second. As Drogo has pointed out, it is better to use either just he, or if you want to have she as well, make it evenly, better is to use just he.(Hey, and that comes from me, LOL)

Then singular and plural - don't mix it.
***************************************************************

let‘s see, how the rhythm goes...
(Main Races)

In Caelereth there was a Man,
-/-/-/-/
In shining armour and valor,
-/-/--/-
In Caelereth there was a Man,
He, was, brave

In Caelereth there was an Elf,
In beauty and happiness,
-/--/-/
In bea - uty and happiness
-/-/-/-/
In Caelereth there was an Elf,
She, was, nice

In Caelereth there was a Dwarf,
In pickaxe and hammer,
-/--/-
In Caelereth there was a Dwarf,
He, was, proud

In Caelereth there was an Orc,
In armour and his sword,
-/-/-/
In Caelereth there was an Orc,
He, was, strong
Don‘t use suddenly a his

(Small Races)

In Caelereth there were Hobbits,
-/-/--/- ???
In blowpipe and dart,
-/--/
In Caelereth there are Hobbits,
They, were, kind

In Caelereth there was a Gnome,
In science and maths,
In Caelereth there was a Gnome,
He, was, smart

In Caelereth there were Brownies,
In magic and life,
In Caelereth there were Brownies,
They, were, small

(Giant Races)

In Caelereth there were Gorbas,
In club and orcblood,
In Caelereth there were Gorbas,
They, were dumb,

In Caelereth there were Ogres,
In club and their teeth,
In Caelereth there were Ogres,
They, were, huge

In Caelereth there was a Troll,
In smarts and maces,
In Caelereth there was a Troll,
He, was, great

(Other Races)

In Caelereth there was a Mer,
In water and beauty,
In Caelereth there was a Mer,
She, was, wet

In Caelereth there were Móh'Sy's,
In fear and terror,
In Caelereth there were Móh'Sy's,
He, was, fear

In Caelereth there were Psyrpents,
In scale and magic,
In Caelereth there were Psyrpents,
They, were, scaled,

In Caelereth there were Ulvur,
In wolfskin and human's,
In Caelereth there were Ulvur,
They, were, fierce

(The End)

In Caelereth there were Nuvíc,
In life and in their death,
In Caelereth there were Nuvíc,
They, all, died

**************

To the last stanca:

It makes no sense as you have it now. Why are you saying were throughout the poem? If you tell a story of one individual, then were is ok, but now you seem to address the whole race, so why the past?

In Caelereth there were Nuvíc,
They, all, died

If sung by kids or mothers, does that make sense - They all died - when, why?

See my proposal

The Man so brave, the Elf so smart
The Dwarf so proud, the Orc so strong,
They all have this in common
They - must - die

This is pointing to the individual, not the race as a whole

Then if you change tense to the present it would be:

In Caelereth there is a Man,
In shining armour and valor,
In Caelereth there is a Man,
He, is, brave
......

The Man so brave, the Elf so smart
The Dwarf so proud, the Orc so strong,
They all have this in common
They - must - die

**********

If you keep the past

In Caelereth there was a Man,
In shining armour and valor,
In Caelereth there was a Man,
He, was, brave

.......
The Man so brave, the Elf so smart
The Dwarf so proud, the Orc so strong,
They all have this in common
They - had to - die ......doesn‘t fit

**********
**********

I would include such a stanza or a similar(virtuelly the same, altered to the races you just described) after each section

But then you have to add something why they died, and if you find a reason in a header.

***Astropic of the day***
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path   that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"

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"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path  that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking,  breathlessly. ~Don Juan"
***Astropicture of the Day***Talia's Long, Long List***
Arcuar
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« Reply #13 on: 11 May 2004, 10:40:00 »

Yet again, it was to be edited. Thank you for the comment

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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #14 on: 11 May 2004, 15:42:00 »

*SIGH*

You should at least take the advice given and go it over carefully! Change what is requested, such as tense and Plural/singular! I did a part for you.




In Caelereth there is a Man,
In shining armour and valor,
In Caelereth there is a Man,
He, is, brave

In Caelereth there is an Elf,
In beauty and happiness,
In Caelereth there is an Elf,
She, is, nice

In Caelereth there is a Dwarf,
In pickaxe and hammer,
In Caelereth there is a Dwarf,
He, is, proud

In Caelereth there is an Orc,
In armour and his sword,
In Caelereth there is an Orc,
He, is, strong


The Man so brave, the Elf so nice
The Dwarf so proud, the Orc so strong,
They all have this in common
They, must, die




In Caelereth there is a Hobbit(),   a syllable too much
In blowpipe and dart,
In Caelereth there is a Hobbit(),
He  is   kind

In Caelereth there is a Gnome,
In science and maths,
In Caelereth there is a Gnome,
He, is, smart

In Caelereth there is a Brownie(), a syllable too much
In magic and life,
In Caelereth there is a Brownies,
He is small

The Hobbit so kind, the Gnome so smart,
The Brownie so small,   forth part missing
They all have this in common
They_must_die



(Giant Races)

In Caelereth there is a Gorb     ,
In orcblood and club,
In Caelereth there  is a Gorb - ,
He is dumb,

In Caelereth there  is an Ogre(),
In club and ()teeth,
In Caelereth there  is an Ogre(),
He_ is_huge

In Caelereth there is a Troll,
In smarts and maces,
In Caelereth there is a Troll,
He, is, great


The Gorb‘ so dumb, the Ogre so huge,
The Troll so great,
They all have this in common,
They_must_die


(Other Races) the same corrections needed here


In Caelereth there is a Mer,
In water and beauty,
In Caelereth there is a Mer,
She, is, wet

In Caelereth there are Móh'Sy's,
In fear and terror,
In Caelereth there are Móh'Sy's,
He, is, fear

In Caelereth there are Psyrpents,
In scale and magic,
In Caelereth there are Psyrpents,
They, are, scaled,

In Caelereth there are Ulvur,
In wolfskin and human's,
In Caelereth there are Ulvur,
They, are, fierce


The God below, the world below,   ? the god below?
The scythe of time, the scythe of death,
They all did death to them, ???? English?

They, all must die


*********
You need still somebody to look this over with more English and poetry skills.
The second line of most stanza still hurt, the rhythm and the meaning. I‘m not sure about the English, for me it sounds wrong, but that may be my problem only.
Maybe you have to rewrite your poem totally.You don't have to take the stanza I proposed, it was an mere example!

It is difficult to do poems as nice as Rayne does. Rayne has a lot of poetry classes, English is her mother tongue, not to mention her talent. Not everybody can reach her level,  but we do have standards here, so be aware, that it might take some time, till we are satisfied.;)

You still need an idea  why this poem is told, what might have been the cause for its creation.  

***Astropic of the day***
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path   that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"

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"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path  that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking,  breathlessly. ~Don Juan"
***Astropicture of the Day***Talia's Long, Long List***
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