* 
Welcome Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?


*
gfxgfx Home Forum Help Search Login Register   gfxgfx
gfx gfx
gfx
Pages: [1]
Print
Author Topic: About a mouse.  (Read 1729 times)
0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
Fluffy Ramblers
Newbie
*

Gained Aura: 0
Offline Offline

Posts: 182


View Profile
« on: 11 July 2005, 10:09:00 »

One of the rare occasions, when I had both the time and the mood to write a poem.

High on the top of the roof of a house,
Which stood on the side of a large city square,
Next to the chimney alone sat a mouse
And shivered because of the cold nightly air.

And up in the sky, very deep in the dark gauze,
Right there amidst all the pale dots of light,
Just at the place where the big yellow moon was,
It saw a huge piece of cheese glowing bright.

The mouse was dreaming of leaving the roof tiles,
Of flying towards this oh-so-tasty dish.
In spite of the others' sarcastic and cold smiles
It never abandoned its most childish wish.

And so on this night our mouse decided
To finally gather its courage to fly,
Then, with slow steps - though with confidence guided -
It walked down the roof...
... and jumped into the sky.


-----
Squee! Narf! For the Cheese!
The ratty story

Edited by: Artimidor Federkiel at: 7/30/05 16:23
Logged
Arancaytar Ilyaran
Newbie
*

Gained Aura: 0
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 1.178



View Profile Homepage
« Reply #1 on: 11 July 2005, 13:30:00 »

Hey again Fluffy! Wonderful work!

Note that "despite === in spite of", but you would not use "despite of". So "In spite of" would be more accurate here. Everything else seems fine...

Does the mouse really fly? Or does it just bruise its nose? I'd be curious.;)  


If Fire is Earth desiring to be Wind,
And Water is Wind trying to be Earth,
What then is Fire wishing to be Water?

Santharia, a place of world creation and roleplaying.

Logged
Fluffy Ramblers
Newbie
*

Gained Aura: 0
Offline Offline

Posts: 182


View Profile
« Reply #2 on: 11 July 2005, 20:04:00 »

*smiles enigmatically*
Do you believe a mouse can fly?


-----
Squee! Narf! For the Cheese!
The ratty story

Logged
Arancaytar Ilyaran
Newbie
*

Gained Aura: 0
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 1.178



View Profile Homepage
« Reply #3 on: 11 July 2005, 21:19:00 »

In a poem? Of course...


If Fire is Earth desiring to be Wind,
And Water is Wind trying to be Earth,
What then is Fire wishing to be Water?

Santharia, a place of world creation and roleplaying.

Logged
Faugar
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 108
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 2.100



View Profile Homepage
« Reply #4 on: 13 July 2005, 03:00:00 »

Fluffy - I read your poem 2 days ago, and finally get a chance to say I absolutely loved it! I cant make any constructive comments about it, but wanted you to knoe I appreciate it. :nod  

Logged
Fluffy Ramblers
Newbie
*

Gained Aura: 0
Offline Offline

Posts: 182


View Profile
« Reply #5 on: 13 July 2005, 16:37:00 »

Aran, in this case it probably will fly. It's really up to you as a reader whether to give the poor animal a chance to have a bite of the moon or to be pragmatic and let it fall.

Faugar, an appreciation is more than enough, thanks.


-----
Squee! Narf! For the Cheese!
The ratty story

Logged
Rayne (Alýr)
Dreamress
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 117
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 4.466



View Profile
« Reply #6 on: 13 July 2005, 19:13:00 »

I think it's an absolutely adorable poem!

And of course the mouse flies!!

Logged

"There is much misjudgment in the world. Now, I knew you for a unicorn when I first saw you, and I know that I am your friend. Yet you take me for a clown, or a clod, or a betrayer, and so I must be if you see me so. The magic on you is only magic and will vanish as soon as you are free, but the enchantment of error that you put on me I must wear forever in your eyes. We are not always what we seem..." -Schmendrick the Magician, The Last Unicorn
Fluffy Ramblers
Newbie
*

Gained Aura: 0
Offline Offline

Posts: 182


View Profile
« Reply #7 on: 13 July 2005, 20:10:00 »

*smiles* This would make a nice signature.


-----
The mouse flies!

Logged
Thuja
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 2
Offline Offline

Posts: 820



View Profile
« Reply #8 on: 14 July 2005, 06:49:00 »

In the second stanza, second line you should take out the first "of".  Other than that a wonderful little poem.  I like it.

In this life the old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, and the young know everything. —Anonymous

Logged
Artimidor Federkiel
Administrator
*****

Gained Aura: 538
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 23.091



View Profile Homepage
« Reply #9 on: 21 July 2005, 14:17:00 »

Really lovely and funny, Fluffy! Great ideas and well realized...

Just wonder where we could put it - perhaps it could even be a lullaby, at least it has a theme, which is highly philosophical, and could still be a nice story told for children. - What do you think?


The Santharian Dream Webmaster - Let Fantasy Dreams come true!
World Development Admin - The Forum where Worlds are born...

Logged



"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Fluffy Ramblers
Newbie
*

Gained Aura: 0
Offline Offline

Posts: 182


View Profile
« Reply #10 on: 22 July 2005, 15:02:00 »

Thanks. Yes, a children's poem is fine.


-----
The mouse flies!

Logged
Pages: [1]
Print
Jump to:  

Recent
[27 March 2019, 00:01:57]

[21 June 2018, 14:28:00]

[31 May 2017, 06:35:55]

[06 May 2017, 05:27:04]

[03 April 2017, 01:15:03]

[26 March 2017, 12:48:25]

[15 March 2017, 02:23:07]

[15 March 2017, 02:20:28]

[15 March 2017, 02:17:52]

[14 March 2017, 20:23:43]

[06 February 2017, 04:53:35]

[31 January 2017, 08:45:52]

[15 December 2016, 15:50:49]

[26 November 2016, 23:16:38]

[27 October 2016, 07:42:01]

[27 September 2016, 18:51:05]

[11 September 2016, 23:17:33]

[11 September 2016, 23:15:27]

[11 September 2016, 22:58:56]

[03 September 2016, 22:22:23]
Members
Total Members: 1019
Latest: lolanixon
Stats
Total Posts: 144590
Total Topics: 11052
Online Today: 28
Online Ever: 700
(23 January 2020, 20:05:39)
Users Online
Users: 0
Guests: 29
Total: 29

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2005, Simple Machines
TinyPortal v0.9.8 © Bloc
Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!
Theme based on Cerberus with Risen adjustments by Bloc and Krelia
Modified By Artimidor for The Santharian Dream
gfx
gfxgfx gfxgfx