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Author Topic: Broken Heart  (Read 1002 times)
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Takashi Logan
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« on: 05 August 2005, 09:43:00 »
Broken Heart

My broken heart,
My broken self

Broken bones can mend,
My broken heart will not

Broken words can
Mend a person’s broken heart

Broken bones can mend,
My broken soul cannot

Your empty words cannot mend
A person’s broken soul

Broken bones will mend,
My broken soul cannot.
___________________________________________
Do not worry, i do not intend on commiting suicide

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Rayne (Alýr)
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« Reply #1 on: 05 August 2005, 11:20:00 »
Ok, so I just took the poem and first scanned the lines for meter. Then I went through and colored the words "broken," "heart," "bones," "mend," and "soul." Here's what the poem looks like now (pretty, ne?)


Broken Heart

My broken heart, (iambic dimeter)
My broken self (iambic dimeter)

Broken bones can mend, (trochaic dimeter + stressed syllable)
My broken heart will not (iambic trimeter)

Broken words can (trochaic dimeter)
Mend a person’s broken heart (trochaic trimeter + stressed syllable)

Broken bones can mend, (trochaic dimeter + stressed syllable)
My broken soul cannot (iambic trimeter)

Your empty words cannot mend (iambic trimeter + stressed syllable)
A person’s broken soul (iambic trimeter)

Broken bones will mend, (trochaic dimeter + stressed syllable)
My broken soul cannot. (iambic trimeter)


The meter's pretty uneven, as you can see, which is perfectly OK. Adding meter will merely give a poem more musicality, but it's necessary for a "good poem" (I hate that term). Couplets tend to assume either meter, rhyme, or both, though--hence forms like the Heroic Couplet.

You use a lot of repetition in this poem, which again, is fine, though it tends to be more appealing if there's some structure to it. Though the meter is weak, you still achieve sme rhythm through the repetition--but it's very erratic, which makes the rhythm very weak, and can lead to musical misunderstanding or a feeling of incoherence. I'm about to go on and quote Meyer's Law of Weakening Shape, but I won't unless you want more clarification.

My suggestion is to see if you can't organize your repetition to cause a more harmonious, coherent feel to the poem. You may end up finding that perhaps you don't need to repeat some of the words as much as you have thus far--which is great. Though the repetition of "broken" seems to loosely hold the poem together, it's reiteration causes "saturation"-- a desire for change due to a feeling of dissonance.

All just suggestions. I've studied poetry (especially Renaissance poetry [you could say we're in the Santharian Renaissance right now]) for several years now, so I have a lot of this stuff stuck in my brain.

Good luck!

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"There is much misjudgment in the world. Now, I knew you for a unicorn when I first saw you, and I know that I am your friend. Yet you take me for a clown, or a clod, or a betrayer, and so I must be if you see me so. The magic on you is only magic and will vanish as soon as you are free, but the enchantment of error that you put on me I must wear forever in your eyes. We are not always what we seem..." -Schmendrick the Magician, The Last Unicorn
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