Do Not Whisper To The Wind

Rayne (Alýr)

Dreamress

Santh. Member

Gained Aura: 117
Offline

Offline

Gender: Female

Posts: 4.458

Do Not Whisper To The Wind

« on: 01 May 2004, 18:52:00 »

A.. thing.

First line is trochee in each stanza, the rest are iambic, save for the very last two lines.. I'm going to say the variation is for enphasis, but it was really because I didn't want "ev" and "er" on two different lines.

Do Not Whisper To The Wind

A poem/song often told to small children by the superstitous. Though this piece is often heard most often in human Santharian villages, it is believed to have originated from stories of the Forbidden Zone in Northern Sarvonia and dark places like the Water Marshes.

Do not whisper to the wind,
For wind winds far and deep,
Deep down into the shadow land
Where evil creatures sleep.
The echo of thy uttered word
Can wake them, make them creep!

Do not whisper to the wind,
For seething monsters hear;
The winds will carry monologues
To meet their careful ears,
And they will rise up from their tombs
To plague the world with fear.

Do not whisper to the wind
For demons know, they say,
Where rests thy sleepy, pretty head
When darkness swallows day,
And in the night they’ll come on thee
And steal thy soul away!

Do not whisper to the wind,
For evil’s waiting there
With anxious claws and open ears
Just listening to the air.
And waiting for a foolish child
To whisper unaware.

Do not whisper to the wind,
For beasts come leather skinned
With eyes aglow in sickly hue
And figures tall and thinned.
Thou may not, shall not, cannot
Ever whisper to the wind!

Edited by: Artimidor Federkiel at: 8/14/05 10:10


	Logged

"There is much misjudgment in the world. Now, I knew you for a unicorn when I first saw you, and I know that I am your friend. Yet you take me for a clown, or a clod, or a betrayer, and so I must be if you see me so. The magic on you is only magic and will vanish as soon as you are free, but the enchantment of error that you put on me I must wear forever in your eyes. We are not always what we seem..." -Schmendrick the Magician, The Last Unicorn

Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels

Santh. Member

Gained Aura: 139
Offline

Offline

Gender: Female

Posts: 11.541

Shendar, Shen-D'auras

Re: Do Not Whisper To The Wind

« Reply #1 on: 01 May 2004, 21:39:00 »

That's great Rayne!. I can't say much about the poetry itself (no schooling here, or I forgot what I was told), but I can imagine how the children whisper it to each other! Not so much a mother to their children, but older sisters or brothers (say 15) teasing their little ones(say 9

). Or weird old grandmothers to their grandsons....... I don't think it needs much of a melody, it really should be whispered.

***Astropic of the day***
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"


	Logged

"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"
***Astropicture of the Day***Talia's Long, Long List***

Bard Judith

Santh. Member

Gained Aura: 363
Offline

Offline

Gender: Female

Posts: 7.637

Dwarvenmistress

Re: Do Not Whisper To The Wind

« Reply #2 on: 02 May 2004, 00:58:00 »

Brrrrrrrrrr! (shudders deliciously)

Just spooky enough without being ... 'sick'. :devilish

Children enjoy scaring each other with this sort of thing around campfires and late at night in bed when they should be sleeping...

I'd make one small change in the second line. "Way down" is too casual for the vocabulary/tone of the rest of the poem. Repeating 'deep' instead of 'way' gives it a nice emphasis and makes the tone more consistent. Try it! The repetition is very natural there when you are speaking...

And the 'trick' in the last two lines is also totally natural; you don't even notice the slurred beats when speaking! Very well-crafted... :nod


	Logged

"Give me a land of boughs in leaf / a land of trees that stand; / where trees are fallen there is grief; / I love no leafless land." --A.E. Housman

Rayne (Alýr)

Dreamress

Santh. Member

Gained Aura: 117
Offline

Offline

Gender: Female

Posts: 4.458

Re: Do Not Whisper To The Wind

« Reply #3 on: 02 May 2004, 08:32:00 »

Changed "Way" to "deep" Thank you both for your comments! As helpful and kind as always.

Edit: I ound the picture who's name inspierd this poem:
www.epilogue.net/cgi/data...33&genre=2

One of Enalya's.

Edited by: Rayne Avalotus at: 5/1/04 23:38


	Logged

Talahir Elenaerion

Newbie

Gained Aura: 0
Offline

Offline

Posts: 23

Re: Do Not Whisper To The Wind

« Reply #4 on: 17 July 2005, 08:39:00 »

I've always rather wondered how a Shakespearean Sonnet could exist when I doubt Santharia ever spawned a Shakespeare.

I like this one. It's unique, easily memorized, and a perfect child's rhyme. Excellent work, Rayne. Truly excellent.

...So why hasn't this been accepted yet?


	Logged

Artimidor Federkiel

Administrator

Gained Aura: 511
Offline

Offline

Gender: Male

Posts: 22.621

Re: Do Not Whisper To The Wind

« Reply #5 on: 06 August 2005, 07:51:00 »

Seems this poem is over a year old by now and somehow it has escaped a site update yet. Still it is as good as on the day it was first posted methinks - pretty eerie and very effectively designed, Rayne at her best